Ever wonder what goes through the mind of a female cheater? What caused them to stray, hurt their husband and break up their family. I hope my experience helps you better understand why women cheat.
I am a 40-something woman near the end of my divorce, and I am the one who cheated on her husband.
I have always hated the idea of cheaters. Sleazy, lying scumbags who were only out for themselves. Selfish egocentrics who were mostly men, with the exception of the soap opera vixen type. Certainly not a clean cut suburban mom like me.
As I have come to experience firsthand, sometimes there is more than meets the eye when it comes to infidelity.
I grew up with an unfaithful father. I knew without knowing from the time I was young, that my dad was a habitual cheater. The arguments in front of me and my sister stained my childhood and gave me an insecurity that I’ve finally conquered as an adult. I hated cheating and swore to myself (and my husband) that I would never be unfaithful.
I don’t condone cheating. It is toxic to a marriage and a family, immoral and myopic. And yet, I have done what I promised I would not do.
My marriage disintegrated slowly throughout about 15 of its 20 years. Looking back, I now understand the fatal flaws and I know better. But in my 20s when I chose the man I would marry and to be the father of my children, I honestly didn’t know what it actually meant to be compatible with someone. I didn’t comprehend the factors we’d need to cement our marriage into our twilight years.
I was looking at surface likes and dislikes, political party and our shared preference for Italian food. He was handsome, athletic and had a good job. Unfortunately, the facade was all there was. I was in a marriage without a friend. He didn’t ask about my work or my friends, sometimes didn’t say goodbye when he left the house. He didn’t want date nights with me, just the two of us. He’d say I should go with my friends, but when I did, he didn’t ask where I was going, who I was going with, and he didn’t say I looked pretty. I felt ignored.
I wasn’t happy and knew I’d never be. Still, I told myself this was the decision I made. I was married with two young children and I decided I’d make the best of it. I didn’t consider divorce. What I hadn’t realized is that over time I grieved the end of my marriage while I was still in it. I lay awake in bed at night crying, wondering how it was ever going to get better. He was next to me in bed, never a word to me never wrapped his arms around me, never asked what was wrong. Our sex life was rote and obligatory and from a standpoint of true intimacy, completely unfulfilling. I was incredibly lonely.
I talked to him, asked him why and told him what I needed. I tried speaking in a number of different ways, quietly, lovingly, matter-of-fact and angrily. I asked about couples therapy, but he refused. Sometimes he would make an effort and that helped restore my hope that we would be okay. But more often he was defensive and said I imagined all this, said I was overreacting.
So I threw myself into my children and work and ignored my own needs. I did this for a very long time and continued to put myself last on my own priority list.
Cheating on my husband isn’t something I planned
When I cheated on my husband, it wasn’t something I planned. I know “that’s what they all say” but it’s true. I certainly wasn’t looking for it. A friendship with another man grew into something that was not tawdry sex, but a renewed sense of happiness and hope. It evolved over time and wasn’t based on lust, but conversation, appreciation, and understanding. Things I hadn’t really ever had from my husband. As I told my best friend to help explain it, sometimes you don’t realize you’re in an abyss until you begin to see daylight.
For those who say I didn’t try – I DID, for the better part of a decade and a half. For those who will judge me, I understand and that’s your right. Again, I don’t condone cheating. If I had known what would happen and was aware of myself enough to understand what it all meant, I would go back and end my marriage before any infidelity took place. But I didn’t realize much of anything at the time, even as I was going through it.
For me and my situation, I truly believe it was inevitable and the only way things could have happened.
More from DivorcedMoms:
“sometimes you don’t realize you’re in an abyss until you begin to see daylight.”
So completely true. I didn’t cheat while I was with my husband, but had i close friend i fell for quickly after leaving and long before the divorce was over. When he turned out a worse narcissist and added emotional and physical abuse to the emotional of before, I escaped into a world where I COULD cope. I cheated on “the warden” (second abuser) until I could develop a plan to get out. ( Yes, the abuse was that bad.) Both had cheated on me before, a part of me was dead to caring if I cheated. I understand every feeling you had.
I often wonder how many husbands felt like we did, and did the same things for the same reasons. Are these men really horrible people or fathers? They are chastized like they are scum of scum, yet, are they really? I believe there are two sides to every story, and a lifetime of baggage can make you do things you never dreamed.
People are so quick to judge a “cheater” when they haven’t walked in that person’s shoes. Thank you for your story.
You have a dependency issue. You need someone to validate you and make you feel better. YOu need to go WITHOUT a partner for a significant period of time working on your own confidence and well being until you are happy with yourself. No one person can make you happy and its obvious from the way you describe yourself you are the source of your unhappiness. You need to fix it and then find someone, not try to find someone to fix it and ruin their life in the process.
Josh, I agree with you. It’s taken me a long time to understand that, but I’m finally looking at things differently within myself.
what bothers me about your article is the last sentence!
“For me and my situation, I truly believe it was inevitable and the only way things could have happened.”
you do realize how much infidelity hurts someone right? and ur husband might never be able to trust someone again! you had the choice when you realized you were falling in love with someone to break up with him, and leave him first!!
but realizing fully well how much it would hurt your husband you still decided to have sex with a full conscious of what you were doing, and im wondering what was gong through your mind at that moment? didn’t you think of your husband at all?
also saying its “inevitable” implys you had no control over your actions and i am wondering what you meant by it exactly? because it seemed like you wanted a back up to your husband and then you cheated!
what bothers me about your article is the last sentence!
“For me and my situation, I truly believe it was inevitable and the only way things could have happened.”
you do realize how much infidelity hurts someone right? and ur husband might never be able to trust someone again! you had the choice when you realized you were falling in love with someone to break up with him, and leave him first!!
but realizing fully well how much it would hurt your husband you still decided to have sex with a full conscious of what you were doing, and im wondering what was gong through your mind at that moment? didn’t you think of your husband at all?
also saying its “inevitable” implys you had no control over your actions and i am wondering what you meant by it exactly? because it seemed like you wanted a back up to your husband and then you cheated!
THANK YOU!!
Cheating is wrong, YES. I would divorce my wife in a heartbeat if she cheated on me. But this woman, while she was wrong, she had reasons that were understandable. She should have told her husband that it’s over when she knew the moment she was falling for someone else. I think here, she messed up because the situation was messed up. Husband was not there for her at all.
Bella,
Very well said. Nobody leaves a happy marriage. Not once. Not ever. If you think that they did, then you really didn’t understand.
My counselor told me that most who decide to leave their marriage have something or someone waiting in the wings that they can look to and say if I go through this, I will be OK. Someone will love me. For some men and women (like my ex-wife), they find that person and physically act before the marriage is over. For some, it’s that close friend. Never acting on it physically, but it holds out hope of what could be. Looking back on it all, I don’t blame my ex for needing a crutch to get out of our marriage. I just wish she had been brave enough to face it on her own, but she wasn’t.
I love how you cheating women are so eager to pay each other on the back. Your husband is not responsible for your feelings or your happiness. You are and only you are!
You could have been writing about my marriage. Total neglect and incompatibility. The difference is my ex-husband had the affair. Like you, I should have left him years ago. It may surprise you, but my ex-husband’s infidelity deeply wounded me. Even though we were not passionately in love, even though I was unhappy in my marriage, even though deep down I knew I wanted out, infidelity still crushed me. I believe that there is never an excuse for an affair. It is a selfish choice made by people lacking the integrity and courage to end things in an ethical manner. I think blaming a choice to cheat on a bad marriage is a total copout. A bad marriage is a reason to divorce, or if both parties are willing, to seek counseling. An affair just turns a bad marriage into a nightmare of epic proportions. It creates so much needless animosity, ill-will, and hurt. I hope people who are struggling in bad marriages decide to end things before setting off the infidelity bomb. I’m not sure there is ever a complete recovery for the families that have had to endure it.
Absolutely agree!
Couldn’t agree with you more. 15 year marriage down the tubes after ex-wife had her affair. I’m still broke ln 10 years later. I’ve gone from a complete monogomist to only engaging in non-monogomous relationships because I’ll never trust again. Oh well.. I guess I was born into this pathetic world by accident. So be it.
Good Luck!
I think you people all have it wrong. People cheat because life is boring and they want to get a little on the side to spice up THEIR life. All of these excuses mean nothing. If you asked all the women on Ashley Madison if they want a divorce, most will say absolutely not. They are after the thrill of naughty behavior. I’m 72 and wouldn’t cheat, but I have known tons of guys over the years that have. Sad really.
There’s a couple reasons a man checks out of a relationship. The biggest one is that his spouse lets herself go. The timing of the beginning of the end probably coincided with the advent of your children when you began to not bother keeping a body that he would be attracted to. Men’s happiness is directly proportional to the attractiveness of his mate. If the woman disrespects his man by gaining weight he will pull away both emotionally and physically. All the marriage counseling in the world can’t talk away withering attraction. And of course it’s easier for him to find a more attractive mate rather than try to change you or even address the ‘elephant’ in the room. I find it rather telling that your picture isn’t shown. And don’t feel guilty about cheating, I guarantee that you weren’t the first to cheat in that relationship. Especially not if he is as fit and attractive as you say. The man has options.
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Thank you for this. It’s so uncommon to hear from a female on this topic. Most people are so quick to decide your fate so to speak when it comes to adultery…never thinking about the whys or realizing it isn’t our place to judge those who make mistakes. We’re all sinners. Not excusing my bad behavior or my decisions…but I will say an affair is a symptom of a bigger problem in a marriage and never the only reason a marriage falls apart.
Just know that ‘needing’ someone to make you feel better is a problem that only you can solve. No one person can do this for you. Affairs and relationships can act be like drugs for some. Often, we choose someone that reflects our deepest insecurities and weaknesses. The fact is that you put up with someone that was unloving because you felt unloving deep down.
There’s absolutely NO excuses to have an affair!!! I don’t care WHAT the “situation” is!!!
Agreed. All we hear now from women is why it was ok to cheat. Give me a break. All of you cheating losers can make all the excuses you want. In the end it was all about you and your selfishness. The world would be a much better place without all the lying, cheating scumbags. You are a cheater and always will be…god help the new guy. He’s as much the loser in this thing as your ex. So what’s going to happen when this new lover of yours doesn’t fit the bill….on to the next and it will be ok cause you said so right? Keep pretending scum.
Agreed.
I agree that cheating is wrong but lying is wrong too. If a man acts a certain way to get the woman and then when he has her becomes a jerk we , she doesn’t have to stay put. Most of the “loyal”women I know attack vigorously unfaithful women but then after a couple tears forgive their cheating husbands and blame themselves for it. Poor things.
another oblivious female discovers things arent black and white like she always thought.
How do you not “know” you are going to cheat. What a bunch of BS. First of all, a married woman should not EVER be building close intimate relationships with male friends. There needs to be health boundaries which you don’t cross so you don’t start to become emotionally attached (whether a male or female). Second, I’m pretty sure you knew you were going to cheat when you decided to have sex. What you did was take advantage of your husbands trust. Okay, I get it, you didn’t have proper boundaries and made friends with this guy and slowly started to have feelings, but as soon as you started wanting to sleep with the guy you should have put on the brakes and ended it with your husband if you truly couldn’t work it out. What you did is horrible and I hope you get the Karma you deserve. Cheaters always “rationalize” their choice but the fact is you are self centered and put your own needs first at his expense to make your shallow self feel better instead of fixing the problem (through an intervention or divorce).
I’ve always read a mans side. It’s always easier for them because it’s seperate. Not really looking for something, just more. When I read about your father it was like reading my own past. My father cheated on my mother for 14 years. When I was younger I knew without knowing. When you’re older things click into place. There were many times my mother threw my fathers clothes outside and locked him out of the house. He straightened up and got it together when I was 13 or so. I’m 27 now.
When I was younger I used sex to fill a void. Didn’t realize it at the time. Anyone. Didn’t matter. I left state to spend a weekend with a stranger twice my age and didn’t tell anyone where I was going. Sort of calmed down after that. Then it was men that had a woman; girlfriend, fiancee, wife. It didn’t matter to me. I didn’t have sex with them for an emotional bond. For me they were safe. I knew they wouldn’t leave their woman for me. That wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted something safe, rules to follow. When I could/couldn’t text or call.
I have had a few relationships in my life and they didn’t last long. My first cheated on me. That was before I became a Mistress. Maybe that’s what influenced my decision.
There is no excuse for what I’ve done or do. I told myself I wouldn’t be like my father. Instead I’m the enabler of bad decision making. I don’t feel bad for what I’ve done. I’ve been confronted a few times by the wife and answered all her questions. Never got angry with them. Never demanded they leave him alone with me.
If a relationship is whole there wouldn’t be a want to find more. That is what I’ve learned from all my experiences. The number of men that said no to being unfaithful is greater than the ones that said yes. Even had a wife cheat on her husband at one time.
It’s human nature to seek out what you are missing. Why make friends if that weren’t the case? Cheating is seeking what you don’t have. If you had it you wouldn’t look else where.
This is my marriage. We have been married 20 years and I believe I have grieved the end of it for at least the past 8. I don’t love him. He is nice to me, nice to the children (most of the time), but there is no love there. We have been to counseling twice, but he says it is all my fault and refuses to do anything on his side. I have tried changing for him but I nearly went crazy, literally. So now I live for me. I feel much stronger. I am the cheater. I was looking for love, understanding, someone who cherished me and returned my love. It was not physical, but emotional. I am staying with my husband because of the children and because of finances. I can not work for several reasons, and I don’t want my children to be without their father. I need to find the strength and courage to leave, but I don’t know how. I know cheating is wrong and hurtful and I hope I can find a way to leave soon. Thank you for writing and showing me it will get better.
And do you think the person you have an affair with won’t eventually become the person where “there is no love there” in another 20 years? The good thing about a humans short lifespan is that it can only hold a certain number of disloyal spouses before croaking. All I see in many of these stories is a lack of memory of their spouses sacrifices for them througout time, and ultimately an inate inability for loyalty over time. Even towards the kindest, most caring, sacrificing, and exceedingly loyal of spouses.
“I don’t condone cheating.”
“But my own was inevitable.” (Read: I’m an exception. I’m not a sordid cheater.)
“I know “that’s what they all say” but it’s true.”
So you weren’t looking for it, but when the opportunity arose, you took it.
“A friendship with another man grew into something that was not tawdry sex, but a renewed sense of happiness and hope.”
Are you saying there was no sex, or that it wasn’t tawdry? What defines tawdry sex? Where was it not tawdry? Was it in nice hotels and not bar bathrooms… That makes it better? Who paid? Were you spending money that you could have gone to your family? You weren’t doing sexual acts with him you’ve never done with your husband? Most cheating wives do.
“For those who say I didn’t try – I DID, for the better part of a decade and a half.”
You’re a martyr and you sacrificed. Is that what you would like us to believe?
“I grew up with an unfaithful father. “
This part is sad. I’m sorry you were imprinted by the shameful actions of a selfish man. But it’s no excuse.
“But I didn’t realize much of anything at the time, even as I was going through it.”
Then you weren’t that unhappy. You just weren’t in the throes of an affair. You were in a real relationship with real people and real flaws.
“But in my 20s when I chose the man I would marry and to be the father of my children.”
Wait, it wasn’t a mutual choice?
“I was in a marriage without a friend. He didn’t ask about my work or my friends, sometimes didn’t say goodbye when he left the house.”
Really? Then what did you talk about? Sounds like rewriting of history.
“Unfortunately the facade was all there was.”
Ouch. This coming from a someone who was leading a double life.
“So I threw myself into my children and work and ignored my own needs. I did this for a very long time and continued to put myself last on my own priority list.”
And your husband was working hard every day to provide for his family. His reward? A cheating wife.
“I have always hated the idea of cheaters. Sleazy, lying scumbags who were only out for themselves.”
Well, you did lie. I asssume you did have sex with your husband and another man during the same time period. That’s sleazy. And you were only out for what made you happy, without regard to how it would affect your family. Therefore, if the shoe fits.
Janelle, you can dress it up all you want. You’re a cheater. Cheaters aren’t like what we see in the films.. they’re women like you. The ones who feel the need to justify their actions and make it seem as though they’d offered so much and recevied so little. Therefore, the affair is defensible and you’re still a good person. Not a bad mom, not a slut. Sorry Janelle, but unless you’ve done everything you could possibly do to heal the wound you’ve caused your husband, you’re not that great a person. Maybe he had some stuff to work on, but that will never excuse your actions. EVER. This piece reads like a “poor me” story, and does not relay the suffering you’ve caused others. In fact, it sounds exactly like every other “he didn’t pay enough attention to me” story.
Janelle,
First, thank you braving the slings and arrows and telling your story. It takes two to tango, and the surveys say that married men and women are just as likely to cheat, but the story is always about a guy cheating on his unsuspecting wife. Maybe it’s just easier to feel sorry for her.
My wife was out of town on a business trip and I was copying backups from one server to another when I found the pictures and videos (and eventually emails) from her phone showing her having sex with her married coworker. I’ve met the guy and his wife several times at company functions. The embeded time and location data told me how long it had been going on and where they had been including business trips (hers and mine), nooners, girls nights, and even in my bed. Things were not exactly great between us, but wow. If she had come to me asking for a divorce prior to seeing the images, I would have been very surprised.
My next disapointment was when I spoke with an attorney. She explained what no fault divorce was and that it meant that nobody cared. I should look at it as a symptom of a larger problem with my marriage. She said that in her experience women were just as likely to have affairs as men, but they delt with them differently. She also advised me to not wage a war with the info and that there could be repercussions on me if I did. I decided to keep the info between me and my wife. The kids, our parents, friends only know if she told them. If they wanted to tell this guy’s poor wife, it was on them. Not sure if they did, but I thing he’s still married and I know that he guy still sees my now exwife.
When confronted, she denied it and said that there was anything wrong. We were just in a bit of a slump, busy lives with kids and nobody has much sex at that point of our marriage. I was imagining things. She dug herself a giant hole before I showed her some of the evidence on her phone. She still thinks that that’s how I found out. Confronted, she went on the attack. Everything was my fault and out came a laundry list a mile long of my failings and all of the things that she’s tried but I didn’t care enough to pay attention to. She also comically deleted the evidence off of her phone and started denying it all.
Fortunatly for me, she moved out as part of a temporary separation while we worked on our marriage. She really didn’t work on our marriage. She grew even more hostile, continued to see her coworker, and eventually filed for divorce. She actually just beat me to it. I had all of the paper work complete and was just waiting, hoping things with her coworker would implode and she’d come to her senses or at least settle down so that we could end our marriage peacefully.
The affair was bad, but honestly, her refusal to share custody with me was a much bigger betrayal. Especially when I figured out how vulnerable I was. We could have coparented, she just didn’t want to or think that she had too. She wanted her old life, exactly as it was, just without me. It didn’t work out that way for her and she’s angrier now than ever. She’s the ultimate vicitm. She didn’t get alimony – not surprising. It’s pretty rare these days and she hardly fits the description of those who deserve it. She took me getting primary custody as her losing custody (we have joint legal custody). We live in a state where 50/50 parenting time and custody is almost automatic. Who doesn’t understand that if you are willing to fight, you risk living with what ever losing means. All she had to do was agree to joint legal custody and equal parenting time. I would have accepted any plan that respected each of us as parents. I understand that if dad is a wife beater or mom is a meth addict that 50/50 is not always best for the kids, but these days, who doesn’t understand that kids need two parents? I’ve heard accusations about people fighting custody plans due to money, and certainly that was a factor for her, she’s always been cash operated, but I think a bigger motivator for her was control. She was a control freak and micromanager as a wife, I guess it’s not surprising that’s who she’d be as an exwife.
Now that I’m back in the dating pool, trust is certainly an issue that I struggle with. Getting primary custody and a vasectomy has helped when it comes to trusting women when it comes to kids, but there’s still the infidelity thing. Cheating was very much about opportunity. How can I have someone in my life and give them the freedom that I know is necessary and trust that the end result won’t be the same. At this point, maybe even bigger than that is trusting my own judgement. Knowing what I know now, it’s pretty clear that the signs were right in front of me. Not just the affair. The marital issues as well. A few tweaks in time and who knows, maybe it could have all been avoided, and that’s on me.
This article is a joke….if you focus on what is GOOD about your spouse, you will see the man/woman that you want to see.
I’m so tired of the “I’m not happy” rhetoric. Your happiness resides in YOU and no one else. Men, women, and children all over the world are in deplorable situations (war, oppression, famine, etc. etc.) and MANY of them still live a happy life? Why?….Because they appreciate what the have and what God has given them.
I understand you were unhappy in your marriage, however, no matter what condition your marriage is in, certain personality traits must be present before cheating occurs. You must be a liar, not only must you lie but you must be good at it which doesn’t happen without practice. You must be selfish in order to lie well without your shame giving it away. You must be narcissistic in order to pander your justifications for the pain you’ve caused your sweet daughters and husband (whether you fancy him or not he’s still a human being who has suffered at your hands).
I have a theory for you, I suspect that perhaps you subconciously assigned a correlation between marriage and unhappiness due to your early exposure to a toxic marriage i.e. your parents. Your midlife crisis (which you’re the right age for) excavated all your emotional baggage and put your love for your family to the test.
Unfortunately, because you’re self absorbed (and an idiot). You fell for the unscientific correlation made by a little girl (you) decades ago.
This is exactly the same situation I’ve found myself in, minus the kids. My husband isn’t my friend, but the guy I’ve fallen in love with most definitely is (we were friends for 6 years before I fell for him).
One thing this experience has taught me is that I will never, ever feel judgemental about anyone else’s affair again. I have no idea what their marriage is like or how hard they worked to make it better, as I really did try with mine before realizing it’s dead in the water.
Thank your for this very honest post.
I am not going to judge you. It makes sense. I am not an advocate for divorce. Even in situations where adultery has occurred. When adultery occurs it means there are some major problems in a marriage. In this situation, that is exactly what the issue was. There were many talks about changes which needed to be made yet no action. I guess I would suggest a separation first. What I can tell you sometimes for men, we need a HUGE wake-up call before changes can be made. A separation may have been just what you and your ex needed to figure things out and work on yourselves until you both felt enough time had passed and your relationship was finally headed down the right path again. No, separation doesn’t always work. But in many cases it has. And, it is not something you both have to agree upon. You could have just left and began the separation.
You really are a contemtable tramp – using every excuse on how you tried so hard. ” Now I konw better” – what garbage – that’s just a justification for being an adulterer. You grew up with an aduterous father – another excuse. None of this makes your sluttish betrayal OK – you’re just trying to mollify youself and convince yourself that it’s OK to be a fricking indecent pig.
Your new tramp-based relationship is doomed to dismal failure. You are sickening.
Cheating is ultimately a matter of choice. Every human being is born with a will power to choose. I have read countless comments, some that justify the cause and some against. It is an insult to make any excuse whatsover whether men or women to say it was inevitable that one cheated. Knowing or unknowing, in the end you still do possess the will power to choose such painful scarring event of cheating. Cheating in itself has consequences to both the cheated and the one who cheats. The ultimate result is death of a love relationship. The violation of the vow in marriage is a death blow worse than death because it lives with the affected person longer than intended. The affected spouse will suffer low self esteem for some years before they pick up confidence again. I urge all who will read this to think with your brains and not with your emotions. You do possess the will power to walk away. You do have the self control inside you. Dont do it. Its a cancerous wound that is very undesirable.
I have been told by my wife that these were all the reasons she left me and none of them are true. She is a disrespectful narcissist who used me as a meal ticket and dumped me for someone more fun. Now she’s playing him. Horrible divorce, she screwed me out of every dime she could and expected me to keep helping her along as if her leaving was my fault and I owed her.
I worked hard, took us on trips when we could, never expected her to work, was caring, sharing, loving, and appreciative and she just took me for $60,000.00 ride as soon as her boyfriend left his wife. I know she has been playing him and running around with other guys behind his back. Everything she did to me will be done to him in time.
She just tried to get me to pay for her insurance. I called her a vicious, seditious little rat. She hit me.
While I commend you for sticking it out as long as you did and exhausting all of your efforts, you have failed to recognize on significant flaw in your justification of cheating, which I will get to in a minute. This sounds like the story of my STBXW. “Just a friend” turned kissing partner turned oral sex partner turned… well I don’t really know she’s out of the house/my life now. Claims I neglected her, which is partly true but not like she makes it out to be. Anyways, I took all the blame for the deterioration, not the cheating because that is a personal choice, but after some time apart I did some heavy thinking and reading. The real reasons we broke up is because we are not emotionally compatible, she is a compulsive liar and hides her feelings, I don’t receive her feelings well and become confrontational which triggers her anxiety. We lived entirely separate lives, I am too independent and she depends on others for her identity and state of mind (which worked until she got bored with me and found someone else). We’re both mild narcissists which I am coming to terms with and working through, don’t know about her though. I was actually the one trying to glue the peices together with councilling and resources but she decided to take the easy way out.
But here is he biggest reason we are divorcing, the reason I can never take her back, and the reason she ended cheating and provoking our divorce: the inability to muster inner happiness. I realized, and should have from the start, that she was simply not passionate about anything in life. No hobbies, no craft, no interests, no nothing. Since high school she had gone from boyfriend to boyfriend, always having another lined up when she stopped getting what she needed from the last (serial cheater?). And she just lived her life like that. Go to work, go to school (which she was very gifted at but just passionate about), come home, wait for happiness to magically come to her, look to relationship, go to bed, repeat til it doesn’t work anymore. In all my reading and relationship research I came across one very powerful consensus from reputable therapists and psychologists and that is a healthy relationship is based on two secure, individually happy people simply coming together and sharing their lives. But women like my STBX and you are unable to make themselves happy, as a single human being. You rely on other people, significant others to do it for you and when they inevitably don’t (because it’s not their job to), you bail out the next. Women like you have a very immature perspective on love, what it is, what it means, and what it should and should not provide. It all has to do with subconscious self loathing, but if you can’t love yourself then how do you expect anyone to love you? Women like you will never find a happy, lasting relationship until you realize this and do something about it. And you will leave a trail of broken hearts along the way. You really should spend some time single, figure yourself out, learn how to create your own happiness for the sake of all the future men in your life.
Early love is not true love, it is infatuation, your brain making you high on live drugs. True love is what comes after infatuation that keeps two people together and it is a choice, it requires work, and sacrifice. And apparently can be very rewarding but I wouldn’t know because my other half decided to bounce around to different love highs. The ILYBNIL crew are childish women waiting around for something a Disney movie promised them when they were a little girl. Happiness is also a choice, you must go looking for it and you must create it yourself. You must be active in your search for if. Nobody can do that for you (not forever at least). The sooner you realize this, the sooner you’ll stop chasing pipe dreams and who knows, you just might meet the love of your life. Good luck to you.
Dude – brilliantly written. I come from a similar relationship and inner happiness was never an option with her. She put me on a pedestal and when I couldn’t satisfy her every emotional needs – she looked elsewhere. Her happiness now is money and material possessions and status as she married her dentist who she works for. She is putting all her focus into that and ultimately that too will explode.
Want to say…… I could have written it. Word for year. I went through the article year by year as the marriage never became more than what you described. I also wish I had left before the infidelity. I take full responsibility for crossing the line. I wanted desperately to have a marriage. I am still married. I have had the same long term relationship. I have done the cancer battle. And took it like a punishment.
If if I could scream from the top of my lungs, it would be to the husband that ignores me. That didn’t like me. That didn’t respect that I wanted date night. That laid next to me as I cried and gave me sex like it was a chore.
What at do I want. Approaching 60 now and still want date nights and pillow talk. With the man I married.
What I hear is your ex-husband was a deadbeat and you tried like hell to keep the marriage together. You were giving 100% and your ex was giving 20%.
Its widely accepted to cheat now. Normally the guy is the one who cheats. When the woman cheats – just claim emotional abandonment and neglect and it makes it all ok.
Speaking from experience – the emotionally attachment that you place with your lover started long before any actions I’m sure. Emotional adultery for woman is far more pleasing than a sexual one. Betrayal is betrayal.
Oh come on. If a dude wrote that, ” I would say, ‘Bro, you are full of crap! You cheated on your wife man. Dont’t give me that inevitable junk!” You don’t get a pass either.
Even in your half – ass apology, I still see a ton of blaming your ex-husband. He didn’t do this and he didn’t do that. I was lonely. I would have ended it before having another man slip one to me. You make me vomit. This article screams – if your expectations are not fulfilled – then leave…..break up the marriage…..the family….let the kids wallow in the pain forever. Narcissistic approach.
I thought this article was going to reveal some learnt insight into cheater thinking, their justifications, rationalisation, and cognitive dissonance, but no, more of the same predicable narrative. Nothing learnt. In order to have an affair you have to lie, deceive, manipulate, gaslight and a project a shit load of blame shifting and rewriting history.. Affairs also have a underlying resentment element to them, they are also about power and control. Some one has all the information about the affair (the cheater) and someone doesn’t (the faithful partner), there is a power imbalance, keeping information from your partner about an affair is controlling the narrative and taking away their power to make informed choices. Not giving someone their truth about their own reality is a mind fuck of epic proportions. Abusive, emotionally and psychologically, yes, unethical, definitely..
Also, let me just yawn at the unmet need defence. I’m sure your husband who was in the same relationship had his needs unmet too based on your article, however ,he didn’t cheat. Why? if the marriage was so terrible. Maybe that’s to do with character. Shame you didn’t really learn anything from the affair other than how to justify and rationalise it. You can be in a bad marriage and not cheat, you can be in a good marriage and be cheated on. Cheating is a choice with a dark underbelly of what is needed in order to see it through. It’s not Hollywood’s version of two starstruck lovers walking off into the sunset, in real life, it much more devastating and destructive than that.
I am not divorced and I have not cheated on my spouse but I experienxed this loneliness for 7 years and was plannwd on xrossing the line. A day came when I realised why I was feeling this way and ended the “friendhip”. My husband found out and asked me for a divorce.
We are not divorced but it was a struggle to understand why, as me this guy never had a physical interesction. We spoke on the phone, exchanged photos etc. Simply put, he made me feel wantess and sexy. Alot of tears wsde shared as my husband made me feel that i was the bad one. Until i finally put my foot down and told him i would not accept it.
So fat forward 2 years, our marriage haz evolved. And we seem to be having a sort of open relationship. However, it has only been other women for me. Recently, I reunited with an old friwnd from high school. I want to sleep with this peeson but not have a relationship. My spouse doesnt think I could handle it because we agreed that he could sleep with someone else also. For now he does not have a candidate.
I am afraid he is baiting me and looking for a way to get out the marriage somewhere down the line.
You don’t get naked doing the dumpty dance with a “friend” by accident.
Thanks for sharing your story. Every cheating story is same but yet different, Just like all of us. We cannot and shudnt judge. If someone feels the need, they deserve it. Yes, there will always be a right way to do things, but we don’t always can. Because we are emotional beings. And we are conditioned in certain way. Everybody is different.
If you feel you don’t want to sacrifice your happiness, then well, you shouldn’t . Staying in a relationship when you don’t want to, is also a cheating (you are cheating yourself). And while maintaining a healthy relationship is important and we do need to adjust many times, it should be from both ways, then it is beautiful. Otherwise it becomes toxic. So, lets not judge. Let the men and women be free. Take care of your own emotions and help your partner to be independent too. Don’t be scared to calling it off. Its ok. Nothing lasts forever 🙂
We all deserve love.
Every one of these stupid articles written by a cheating woman are all the same it’s so pathetic. “I didn’t know what love was or if I was even compatible with my husband, but I strung him along for years because I’m a people pleasing avoidant coward. And that’s why it’s his fault I handed him the worst trauma he’s ever experienced.”
All of you make me sick, the level of self gaslighting you engage in. Grow up! Take responsibility for your life and your choices and stop pinning it on the man!
I agree with the last post. There is no excuse for hurting someone so you get some dick/emotional love that you’re been craving. If you blame someone else for YOUR cheating behavior that’s a problem within you, and only you. If you expect your significant other to make you happy 24/7 you are been watching too many Disney movies/cartoons. From the bottom of my heart, I hope you go through the same horrible experience that you put your significant other through so you can have some fun.