Can relationships based on infidelity last?
Had you asked the girl I was 9 years ago this question, as I was entering into marriage (and of course having it all figured out at the ripe old age of 21) I would have given you a resounding NO and rattled off the reasons I knew to be true.
Of course, a relationship founded on lies and secrets could not be healthy. How could you ever expect someone who cheated with you to not cheat ON you? Would you always be suspicious of them and would they be suspicious of you? These reasons, of course, would lead any rational person to say “no…there is no circumstance under which an affair can lead to a healthy relationship.”
Fast forward 9 years. I am at the end of my marriage, have 3 children, a home, 3 dogs… and while I definitely still have a lot to learn about life, I will say I am nowhere near as jaded as I once was with the illusions of what marriage would be.
We failed at marriage in just about every way possible, all leading up to me saying “enough is enough,” I want a divorce when it came to his substance abuse and… in the end…falling in love with another man. This is about the man (let’s call him 40) that I have fallen head over heels, getting hit by a freight train, madly in love with and whether or not we will be able to translate a relationship started while I was still married, into a happy, mutually respectful, healthy relationship. The logical, college-educated part of me says absolutely not.
However, let’s just play devils’ advocate here. What if…in spite of the circumstances, and in spite of the underlying potential jealousy issues, we manage to make it work?
And, not only make it work but have the kind of love I once thought did not even exist. Does that mean that it is possible to trust someone you know is capable of adultery? I know myself and I know my heart. I know that what I did was not something I should have done. I should have done the brave thing and left my marriage before starting a relationship with someone else. I could have spared more feelings by leaving when I knew I wanted to. But I didn’t. And now I am left with a bit of uncertainty about the future of my relationship with 40.
Adultery is a messy business. I would say to anyone that is considering an affair, in the middle of an affair, or just getting out of an affair, really spend some time looking at the reasons for your actions. I think the answer to whether or not you can make a healthy relationship out of an affair lies in these reasons.
If you were cheating just for the excitement, or just to get back at your spouse for their prior bad acts…odds are you aren’t looking for a healthy relationship to come out of it anyway. I do think there is an exception, though. I think that there are times, such as when your marriage is essentially over, and you are just in limbo mentally and emotionally when a relationship that begins with an affair can end in a happy relationship.
I know this is not the most popular opinion to hold. Infidelity is typically met with a great deal of opinion and judgment, and very rarely are any exceptions made in regards to how the general public views a “cheater”. But I would suggest, before rushing judgment of the woman you work with or know from your child’s school, that you take a moment to consider what could have led her to have an affair.
You most likely do not know the story of her marriage, and you do not know what sins were committed by both parties. If she does make it work with the man she had an affair with, good for her. Maybe her ex has forgiven her and she has forgiven herself. Maybe she has asked God for forgiveness and she is working to mend that relationship as well.
As for her and her new man…the best they can do is listen to their hearts and trust one another. Here’s hoping the love 40 and I have for one another will be enough to weather the storm we created. I am looking forward to calmer days ahead.
You may find this surprising, but I do understand where you are coming from. It is not my place to judge nor anyone else as to the matter of your marriage and what happened. Nor am I condoning your actions.
Though many extramarital affairs are for physical reasons and to get back at their spouses, there are some (not many) that end up being a golden future together. You wonder if your relationship outside of your marriage will turn into a happy, mutually respectful, healthy relationship. It can if both of you are committed to each other.
Do not let the naysayers say it can’t work. Do not let the statistics for second marriages dissuade you. Naysayers do not know your whole life story. Statistics only predict trends, but cannot determine your future with the man you “have fallen head over heels” with.
I look forward to hearing what happens with your new man.
I appreciate your comment. Just wanted people to understand that when it comes to divorce it is hard enough. Adding blame and guilt and judgment does nothing to make the situation better. Have to learn from our mistakes and move on. Thanks Dan!
so how is your ex feeling? My ex ripped my heart out.
She cheated and her wonderful new man, molested our daughter.
but don’t worry, I can’t take much more. I will be ending it all soon. Hope you someday know how you hurt someone you were supposed to love. Someday you will see what you did to your ex and your kids.
Your new man is not worth the dirt on your ex’s boots. So you think he is an alpha. he is a cheater that has no morals and you both destroyed a family. someday you will see what really your new bad boy really is, a really bad boy.
Keep him away from your kids.
Claire,
My “40” found this article, and had actually asked me if I was moonlighting as a writer for the HuffPo. The similiarities are uncanny, and it was like reading something I would write, almost word for word. I already your article about how your emotional affair turned phsyical. 95% of the general population would categorize us as homewreckers, and I not necessarily proud of what I have done, but sometimes life hands you your soulmate in the most unconventional way. Your soulmate is suppose to be somene that truly deep down betters you, all the while you better them.
Thank you for your openess about a situation, a situation that mirrors yours almost exactly, that I am infact in the midst of myself. I know that without him I wouldn’t have found the light that once filled my eyes, or the laughter and happiness that filled my heart. I wish you two nothing but happiness. Statistically we aren’t suppose to succeed, but screw stastics, I have always considered myself an outlier anyways.
This is all self-centered justification for being a bad person. You made these choices. You decided that lying and breaking your vows was ok because you wanted to do it. Eventually, things all come back around and when they do and your on the other side of this, I hope you can romantically justify it then. Those same vows that you and your new man so easy ignored and abandoned in regards to your exs are now no more than words as you both know how easily you both will cheat and abandon your commitments.
All I can say is my present wife is the woman I had a very hot affair with. I divorced my first wife for her thinking we were totally meant for each other. Jumped right in moved my 2 children and her son together. Fully thought this was meant to be. Long story short, I worked my butt off to give her anything and everything she desired. After 8 years of marriage I was in a very sever accident and yes I made it through it but am 100% disabled. But other then not being able to work anymore certain things still do work. She decided to have an affair because I couldn’t give her all the things I used to. So again long story short she has tossed me to the curb and just tells me she doesn’t love me anymore. All of this is just to justify in her mind than she is totally right in screwing an other guy while I was going through major surgery and just trying to servive. I guess she never ever loved me and it was all about the finances and what was in it for her. Guys any woman the cheats with you is just a loser and only care about whats in it for her!!!!! God help you when things get tough!! She just cuts and runs to the next guy stupid enough to think she loves him!
Hi Kelli
Thank you for the kind words! You could moonlight for HuffPo…love your writing style! My situation is not one I would recommend because it is so incredibly difficult…but I also know it happens more often than most people admit. I regret I didn’t handle the end of my marriage in the way I should have but I think my ex has forgiven me and knows he was not exactly perfect in the marriage himself. I will never regret finding the love I have found in 40. I was just hoping people in a similar situation would take comfort in knowing that they are not alone and it can be ok. Forgiveness is key and is what I’m working on now. I wish you nothing but the best and thank you again for commenting!
An affair demonstrates who YOU are, pure and simple. If you are not happy in a marriage or a relationship, you can make a choice to end it. Yet you chose to have an affair. Pure and simple it is your character flaw, and a major one
Claire,
Just wanted to tell you that yes, it is possible to find long lasting love and peace with the man of your affair. I was miserable in my marriage of 17 years and was only staying for the kids. But I then met the love of my life. He too was married. After both of us spent a year navigating messy divorces, we are now a happy, loving family and I don’t regret for a second my affair or divorce. My kids are happier too and they see now what a loving relationship is all about. Best wishes to you and your future!
Amy – how long have you and your partner been together now?
Amy – how long have you and your partner been together now?
Amy – how long have you and your partner been together now?
Sorry about posting the same question 3 times….
Amy
I’m happy to hear you found happiness. I knew in writing this I would be met with some criticism but I have to say I have also been happy to see just as many people come forward with their stories of happily ever after. I knew based on statistics it was impossible that all the people who condemn those who have an affair haven’t had one themselves. Fact is it happens more often than anyone would care to admit. I don’t recommend it and given the chance I would meet 40 in a more ideal time in my life but still don’t regret what I have found in him. I wish you many more happy years and thank you for your comment!
Thank you, thank you for writing this. I thought adultry was unforgivable. Who would ever cheat on their spouse? Marriage to one person for life is what you do, right? But then I cheated. I am the one who had the affair. I know my reasons don’t matter, it’s still wrong, etc. but my marriage has been over for the last 8 years. I don’t think I have ever read an article from a woman who cheated who actually has a happy ending. I am deeply in love with the one I cheated with, and he is truly in love with me. He even talks of “when we are married.” After being miserable for so long, I really appreciate hearing that it IS possible to be happy again.
What about the kids? I too could’ve written this article. My husband knows I’m on my way out. Doesn’t know about my 40… I’m terrified someone will tell my kids their mom is a slut or something. My 40 and I are doing this. We wish we had navigated this differently but here we are and we have to finish our endings. He’s well on his way. I’m so scared for the children. Someone give me some love please! How did you handle it- disclosure, conversations, etc? They’re under 10.
I think your children will understand why you had to do what you had to do. My mom moved with another man (my dad was the biggest douche bag to her, she is the most amazing women ever) and at first I felt really emotional about. But then j saw how happy my mom was and I saw what real happiness look like. Its better for your children to be grown on a happy environment than seeing you miserable your whole life.. That’s my opinion though.
Your “40”?? What the HELL is that supposed to mean? Is that lady speak for the forty guys on the cock carousel you are banging on the side or something? Oh anyone who just walks away from their kids just to pursue an affair because of “tingles in their vagina” is a piece of garbage and deserves to be resented by her kids FOR LIFE! When you are in old age alone in your convalescent bed you will realize that when mess with matches everythings reduced to ashes.
Sandman – I don’t have any sympathy for her either, but you can take heart. There are some good women out there who wouldn’t take you for a ride. They do exist.
You do not deserve love or sympathy “lady”. Women like you are why the divorce rates are am high because you are selfish and immature and never took your vows at your wedding as anything more serious than fortune cookie wishes. Men are now realizing what a bad deal marriage is because of women like you and boycotting marriage. The Red Pill is spreading and men are waking up to female hypergamy as it is simply part of their nature. Destroying commitment and love because the grass appears greener on the other side. The very best thing that can happen is for males to read these stories and realize the distrustful and manipulative nature of women, boycott marriage and be MEN GOING THEIR OWN WAY and take THE RED PILL. A red pill a day keeps the divorce lawyers away.
Thank you for sharing this article. I think adultery is a bad idea, and usually destructive to relationships and the children, even if the relationship is already in bad shape. I see enough as a family lawyer to recommend against anyone doing it; there are usually a dozen reasons or more, besides any person’s morality, why it’s a bad idea. That said, my wife and I have been married for almost twelve years, and we adore each other — and we were both engaged to other people when we initiated our relationship.
How can you use a cheating spouse/ex-partner in family court in your argument of custody?? It’s what split my family up. We’re using split custody thru a mural agreement but I feel one thing doesn’t go her way an she’ll go the court route. She’s the one who cheated as well.
How is your affair doing now?
Ex cheated and left for another man 16 yrs ago. He dumped her within 1 year our divorce was final. As far as I know, she is growing old now childless and alone.
The kind of man that pursues a married woman? Why would anybody think he wants anything but NSA sex? He got what he wanted from you. You got your family not destroyed but nuked. Don’t expect your ex and the father of your children will be very fond of you.
In fact the only thing I wish for my X is to die, so I can piss on her grave, and I have a new family now.
We’re happy and going strong almost two years later. Oh and just to clarify shortly after the divorce I discovered my ex had been on countless dating websites during our marriage. Assuming you have all the facts about someone else’s marriage is a tricky thing for future reference. But sounds like you’re happy now and thanks for asking.
Two years is too little time to really understand if you’ll go the distance, if that is indeed your goal. Without making excusing your ex husband, I have to say that justifying your own affair by deflecting the blame doesn’t speak well of either your or your significant other’s character.
Understand that I’m not making a judgement call but reflecting upon the sad state of affairs of the world we live in. It is particularly sad when the pursuit of happiness trumps the pursuit of goodness. I daresay you would still feel justified in your cheating if your ex had been a man of good character and one who treated you well.
Just wanted to add a little wisdom from the ancients. If they do it with you they’ll do it to you
Claire, if this relationship is what you want, I hope it works out for you both. But, two years? How many years were you married before it fell apart? Two years is a drop in the bucket compared to forever.
How convenient that you “found” your betrayed XH on dating sites. It’s the irrefutable proof backing up your earlier claim that your XH ‘probably’ cheated on you. First. Now your affair isn’t*so* bad, your EQUAL. 😉
You a Christian? Last time I checked this was one of 7 deadly sins for which you rot in Hell for eternity. I wish you a good judgement day. Oh, and stoning is the kind of punishment the Bible advocates for infidelity.
How does someone hang onto that kind of anger for 16 years? Also, if I even dated a man that angry at his ex, there wouldn’t be a second date. Anyone that angry still cares and although you may have a new family, if you no longer cared about your ex, you wouldn’t care where she was or what she was doing. You want her dead so you can piss on her grave? Why not turn that negative energy you feel toward your ex into positive energy and focus it on your new family?
Claire,
Are you two still together? If so, have you moved in together?
I had an affair and divorced my husband to be with the other man. The relationship lasted about 3 years before I found out that he was seeing other women while professing his undying love for me. He dumped me when I found out thetruth. Apparently it was all a game for him.
Needless to say I was devastated and only then took the time out to contemplate on all my life’s decisions. I left a good, kind man for someone else only because I thought I could do better. Hindsight, I can see the mistakes I made in not cherishing what I had. My ex husband has moved on now and while I feel good about the fact that he was able to work himself out of the funk and move on to a good relationship, I cannot begin to come to terms with my own poor behavior and how I treated him. I’m filled with a lot of regret and am full of remorse for bringing down so much pain on a man who had given me so much. I feel ashamed that I didn’t put him or my kids before temptation and if I could go back in time I would make sure that I let him and my kids know how much they mean to me
Actually Anne, its never to late. Yes, your choice ended the marriage. I believe at this stage once a pickle, never a cucumber. But your ex and kids were forced to find closure because you wouldn’t/couldn’t provide it. It might be positive for all parties, even if the communication is painful.
I hope the betrayed ones find someone with morals and who truly love them for the people they are…. u mightve done them the biggest favor of their lives by leaving them…. heres to them finding someone who truly loves them
I ain’t buying what this article is selling. Because one can do a thing doesn’t mean one should do a thing. Infidelity is a CHOICE. The other party didn’t drive you to do anything. You looked at options and choise to get involved in a new relationsip and cheat the existing relationship of effort and commitment. In fact, justification in cheaters minds is somehow the betrayed spouse is flawed, abusive, etc., such that the situation is untenable. You need to own your nonsense and forget about validation of your choices.
Adultery is a sin against the spouse, God and a persons own flesh.
True.. Adultery is sin, but so is the other 9 of the commandments that we face. The thing we have to remember is it’s between God and the person committing the sin. He LOVES the sinner, but hates the sin.. So remember, let he who is without sin, cast the first stone… We should all be thankful that through all of our sins God sent HIS Son to die for us, so that we may have hope, and forgiveness. So yes, adultery is a painful act for the family, it can be forgiven. Between all sides. God is good.
i was married with one child, unhappy with my husband and made the decision to cheat. I was completely in love with my affair partner and we both knew we wanted to be together. I began divorce proceedings immediately and my new man stood by me through the divorce. Once divorced we married. Beautiful wedding and eventually had a beautiful child. Life was going along as one would expect, wonderful home, great kids, family vacations etc. then suddenly in year 9 of the marriage I found out he was having an affair with his secretary. She was 23 and “his soulmate”. He made a lame attempt to stop seeing her but ultimately could not. I was absolutely devastated! At that point I cut my losses and divorced him. During the divorce proceedings it came to light that he had also cheated several times earlier in our marriage.
I have been divorced for a few years now, and things are going well. But I have to say, after all I have experienced, that the foundation that we built our life on was weak due to how we came together. I certainly believe leaving one relationship and not healing from the broken one did not help either. With all of the initial passion and emotion along with wanting everyone to know he was indeed the right one for me (so the affair was justified) I rushed into a marriage with a man that deep down I did not know.
So Claire … It all may be great now and it all may be great in 5 years … but one day you may look up and the entire relationship is crashing down around you! I do feel that I now know that affairs are never justified. The mature behavior is to deal with your problems in the marriage and if you are still unhappy get out. And then take time to find out what happened before jumping into a new relationship.
Good luck Claire!
Yes I would like to meet up with you am at the laquinta inn
The “adulterous partners” who think they are justified and will live happily ever after with the scum they chose…good f**king luck with that. What goes around…will come around…you think that you met your soul mate in unforseen circumstances…how about the spouse left with the broken heart..devastated by selfish immoral people…scum who shouldnt be in society…WOW…have you got the balls to say it’s alright…hope it never happens to you…you don’t have to your life torn out from under your feet…heart broken into pieces snd children screwed up…and family members hurt…YOU ARE SELFISH INDIVIDUALS!!!! Can’t wait till people like you…get what you DESERVE.
I’d love to hear an update. How is life with your affair partner?
http://www.chumplady.com/2016/06/ubt-affair-will-turn-healthy-relationship/
Your article was put through UBT. Enjoy!
If you were that unhappy in your marriage why didn’t you get out BEFORE finding someone else? Finish what you have before starting something else. Cheating means you have a lack of integrity, morals and ethics – period. I don’t care what the reasons are it’s black and white.
If you think that your “special” and you’re going to beat the odds, I’ve got news for you – it’s not going to happen. Cheaters, cheat and they don’t stop cheating. Time will provide proof of that for sure.
wow, just wow. nothing like jumping from one relationship to another without a chance to heal yourself. nothing like lying snd cheating.. sorry, you do not deserve happiness out of ths mess
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I’m not saying whether your actions were right or wrong. But, I do understand that people get unhappy when they married the wrong person. Sometimes people tries to make work out, but if you’re not compatible for each other no matter much you try it’s inevitable…
The fault is not ending the relationship before starting another one, but that all fell to circumstance. All this people will say that you should’ve ended your marriage first, but it’s not your fault that you fell in love. I’m pretty sure if the circumstance happened to them they wouldn’t know what to do either. Each person’s situation is never the same that’s why people shouldn’t judge.
Good luck with you’re endeavors and hope that everything works out.
Best regards
John, you are SO wrong. If I fell in love with another man while married, it would be no one’s fault but my own. It takes effort to fall in love, to tell someone they aren’t responsible for the effort is irresponsible and victim playing. I was married to a man for 18 years and miserable the last ten. I had plenty of opportunity to “fall in love” with another man. Heck, I had a huge crush on my neighbor who was more than willing to take it to the next level. I said NO! Why? Just because I was unhappy, I didn’t have the right to engage in an activity that would harm my husband and my children. Plus, I had made a vow the day I married him. It’s called the difference between integrity and character and selfishness. Her actions were wrong. I have no problem telling her and you that.
The New User Speaks, I’ve been reading all of the comments and I have noticed the unraw and the uncut comments and first and foremost I salute those comments… Then on the other hand I noticed the Justifiers comments and it is so sad and I’ve came to a conclusion that their definitely the ones that have caused pain and misery to a person that they once loved and made Vow to God and that person… And I will start by it is absolutely wrong no matter what the circumstances were…. I am not judging anyone that Gods Job not mine… May God have mercy on your Soul… I experienced the same situation.. I wasn’t the perfect Husband but I did not Cheat, I wasn’t abusive, I wasn’t a drug addict, nor Alcoholic, I was insensitive, I was a Grouch, I couldn’t hold to a job, that’s just a few of my flaws…But I had the best intentions, I wanted nothing but the best for my family… I was so in love with my lady that I used to think that if I died before her instead of me worrying where my soul will be eternity I was more worried about who’d she be with after I was gone… I know it’s terrible…. But as time went on we came to rough spot. It started with lies, staying out all night, sex deprived, I never in my life felt so low but through all the pain I still had hope.. I took what she was doing to me because I love her so much til the day came and walk away from telling me she wants to be by herself, to find herself.. She found a place and this mysterious guy was already staying with her. I found this out through my three kids.. And that particular day will live with me forever…. But my personal message for those who are going through this listen to me I am speaking facts, I am speaking from experience… Yes it’s hurts, your lonely, your miserable, been there done that, people always would tell me it’s going to be alright or you have to move on, I always found myself pissed off because I didn’t want to hear that at the time.. But look at me now almost 4years.. Pain will teach you so much, and you will learn so much about yourself… Being at this stage in my life I have learned and I have no regrets, I am not financially where I want to be right now but I am getting there…… It’s a hard situation some people heals better/faster than others but I can guarantee you this it does get better over time…. may God bless you and situation
OP didn’t say that addiction was a walk in the park. It’s a choice just like having an affair is a choice–with each chooser having to deal with the consequences come what may.
OP didn’t say that addiction was a walk in the park. It’s a choice just like having an affair is a choice–with each chooser having to deal with the consequences come what may.
Thank you so much for sharing, Claire. I enjoy your positivity, openness and perspective. Would love to see an expansion on this – specifically what have you found to “work” and not work” in this relationship and what do the ground rules look like?
“A loved one battling addiction is always hard.”
Lady, you don’t love your ex. If you did, you wouldn’t have hurt him even more. As if the addiction is a walk in the park. Narcissist. What a joke you are. All about yourself, and yet, you still claim you love him. What a laugh.
Wow.. That is a story similar to mine. I have been married for 26 years, and recently decided to end things based on his drug addictions. I would have never even considered leaving, but enough was enough. I got tired of him putting his addiction ahead of me, and decided to end things with him. I found myself falling for another through all of my devastation of dealing with his addictions. And I too recognize that I should have waited before I began talking to the other person in my life, but it happened, and now I am working on trying to figure everything out. The other person tells me he loves and cares for me as much as my spouse does, so I am in a triangle of emotions. My spouse does know about him, and I was never hiding it from him. I feel bad about the way it came about but then that is feelings I am working through, and will need to work everything out with My God, and my ex (not fully, but I consider him my ex) and myself the forgiveness. Anyway, just want to let you know I’m hoping for the best for you.. A loved one battling addictions is always hard, and you do come to a point in your life when you just can no longer do it again. I hope the best for your loved one to recover, as I hope the same for my loved one. I know that my trust in him is broken, and I have difficulty seeing past this, and it’s still fresh for me, and since the other dynamic is I brought someone else in the mix, which wasn’t the right way to go about it, but it happened.
I broke up with my boyfriend almost 3 months ago. Within a week he had a new girlfriend. He told me he just wants to be friends i agreed but could not get over him, I felt like I lost my one and only true love, my situation became a bit complicated and a bit different than the “normal breakups, ”but thanks to Robinson.buckler@yahoo. com for bringing my lover back to me,…when i first contacted him, i was very unsure if a love spell can bring my lover back… But after such a long time of loneliness i decided that Mr Robinson buckler should do a love spell for me to get my lover back. Well after Mr Robinson cast the spell and told me what to do, within few days my lover came back feeling so sorry for living me lonely for 3 months, the love spell was so amazing that i could not believe what was happening. my lover came to my house and asked for reconciliation… he now shows me love more than before thanks
2.5 years since wife started sneaking around with affair partner (months later she moved out and then months later filed divorce). They just got married. We were together a decade before that, and after the affair she never had a single honest conversation with me. Ran an aggressive and false smear campaign to socially insulate herself from judgment.
Some people like to say adultery and abandonment is just one or two sins. But it’s many. Deception, lust, malice, self destruction, theft, grievous harm to spouse, generations of increased rates of psychological and behavioral problems, destroyed relationships, and loss of faith are all real consequences of abandoning a spouse in an affair. There are more. Let’s not sugar coat this by even bothering about whether one nice side effect is ‘happiness’ or some good feelings amidst all that chaos and destruction.
I don’t agree on these affairs,they hurt everyone around them.Think of your kids and the person you loved for years. I call it selfishness but I do believe got has his ways on people that commit such audultry. What ever happened to true love never dies and if it’s dying lets work on it for the sake of your loving family.Peolple wake up,don’t be looking for excuses for cheating.You will answer to a higher power at the end.
love piece from a loving man that lost his wonderful wife to some dirt bag.
The Rabbit.
Statistically speaking, your new relationship will have a significantly less success rate than your first one. Trust me, it’s eventually doomed. Just give it time.
First of all – Marriage is A CONTRACT – if the spouse is a Loveless, Sexless MArriage the “Love and Cherish” Conditions is broken and the Contract is Nul and Void.
Society tells us “Adultery” and “Cheating” is a crime – well hang on a second. If the Marriage is a zombie of Two Room Mates sharing expenses and children, is that really a “marriage”?
Life is too short to be miserable. To Hell with what “society” has to say. If two people Fall in Love then yes that will morph into a “Loving Attachment” or other long term love relationship but if they are willing to WORK AT IT and do not make the mistakes of the prior marriage – you know like learn to Trust, Admire, EMPATHIZE and again WORK AT IT (Labor of Love literally) then YES IT IS POSSIBLE.
When people “Fall in Love” it is rarely or I would say NEVER a choice – the million choices come afterwards and God Willing they have learned from their mistakes and a bit wiser and yes can make it happen.
If you are married and you, “fall in love” with someone other than your spouse, it IS a choice!! Falling in love with someone takes effort. You don’t walk out your door one day and “fall in love.” If you are putting forth the effort to “fall in love” then you are making a CHOICE to do so. And, I’m going to assume that when you married you made a VOW to the person you married to be faithful. You didn’t just sign a contract you made a promise with intent. If a marriage is a zombie of two roommates then, it’s time to get a divorce and then find someone new to “fall in love” with. Just because someone is unhappy in a marriage doesn’t mean they have the right to play with the feelings of their spouse or children. To have an affair in order to exit a bad marriage is the cowards way out and shows severe lack of character.
Now, thats what i call a racional assertive answer…Thank you for sharing those thoughts with us.
Amanda speaking like wise and true queen…. Cowards that’s what they are….like you said sweetheart if you are unhappy get a divorce then pursue the new lover… Point blank period… If you choose to pursue that new love,then fall in love then divorce 99% it won’t work most are fooling their self’s , and trying impress their surrounding as if their the perfect couple and the new love is the best thing that ever happened to them…. Disaster,Disaster,Disaster, is the outcome…
Pudintain
People do not “fall in love”. Love is a choice. One can choose not to “love” a person that is inappropriate for all kind of reasons. How about falling in love with your under-aged student? Or your sister’s husband? How about your married boss?
Here’s some honesty people do NOT like to admit: most people who cheat with a married partner are 1. lonely, 2. lazy 3. lack a strong moral compass.
A person who has a strong circle of family and/or friends, who is willing to seek out a single partner available for dating and who has a strong moral code just will not allow him or herself to be dragged down the empty and painful hole of dating a married man or woman. The other woman or other man loses at least 95% of the time. And if you do “win”, all you get is a cheater.
You are correct, marriage is a contract and getting a divorce is what makes it null and void. Making a unilateral decision to imagine that contact is void blaming your spouse for stinky farts does not make it void. It makes YOU a cheater looking for excuses. Don’t like your marriage? Get a divorce. Then do orgies or find someone new. It is really simple
There are many ways to betray a person. It is fascinating to me how many bitter, nutty posters are ranting about “cheating” while completely ignoring the whole drug abusing spouse part. Think about the kids blah blah, yeah because staying with a drug addict is the key to raising happy, healthy children. The mom of one of my best friends had an affair and married the affair partner 30 years ago. My friend says her stepdad was the best thing that ever happened to her bc he is such a great guy when her own biological father is a manipulative addict who only brought chaos and emotional abuse to her life. So basically this author’s “sin” is one of timing, in that she transitioned out of an unhealthy relationship into a healthy one with some overlap. Shame on her for not being clairvoyant. I get that socially demonizing people makes jilted lovers feel more empowered, but give it a rest. People sometimes marry the wrong people, marriages fail, and there isn’t a villain to blame. If you happen to meet the right person at the wrong time, that is more a matter of unfortunate timing than character defect.
Modern American women are worthless… Everything about the modern marriage reeks of responsibilities for men while giving her all the benefits. Even a marriageless relationship is worthless with children, because the state will enforce slavery on him, while refusing to give women equality of men. Modern marriage is a joke. Western women are a joke. They’re the most spoiled women in the world, but yet still complain, while offering absolutely nothing.
lived this story from the other side. Married young then wife falls for mr 40 literally 14 years older than her . She destroyed our family , we also had three young children , she is marrying her guy and I’m left with a lot of healing to do.
Claire, I’m curious. How have your kids handled everything? Do you ever regret it? Are you still with 40?
I wondered the same thing….
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I was once a person that believed affairs were sins only committed by the most selfish or socially sick people alive. I couldn’t understand why those in unhappy marriages wouldn’t just break it off with their spouse (only after intense marriage counseling) and get a divorce prior to searching for a new partner. I never cheated on my spouse while we were married, but a situation came very close to that before I let myself acknowledge that after twenty years of marriage I had completely lost hope, had no respect for my husband, and didn’t have an ounce of fight left in me to see it through another single day. I had been in counseling, we had gone to an intensive marriage retreat, and I’d had many heart to hearts with my spouse asking him to get help with his anger issues. His anger/communication issues were affecting every aspect of his life but he refused to acknowledge it. The realization that I was so close to having an affair made me realize my marriage was over. I filed for divorce and let myself escape from a very unhappy relationship.
Interestingly, my MIL, who’d ended her marriage to my exes father while in love with her affair partner, initially told me I was selfish to end our marriage. My ex and his dad are much the same, so she was unhappily married for similar reasons. But despite her infidelity, she judged me as selfish because our son was a child and her children had all been in their late teens/college age.
Her second husband loved her deeply and she loved him deeply. They were best friends who took very good care of each other. They were married for over 25 years before he passed away from cancer and she lost the love of her life.
My ex and his siblings never really recovered from their parents divorce and their mom’s infidelity. The pain continues to affect every holiday, milestone, and relationship within the family. My MIL and FIL continue to blame each other for the pain.
None of us would argue that infidelity is far from the best way to end an unsalvageable marriage or start a healthy one, but I would argue that the more important issues are how these events are handled. In my opinion, if my MIL would have taken ownership for her choice of infidelity and treated all of her kids and ex with respect, offering and asking for the forgiveness that was needed, the family could have adjusted and possibly ended up even stronger.
Judging others, in my opinion, is the greatest poison of all. It creates a false sense that the way you’re living your life (sins and all) is justified while others choices are the cause for all your pain. Judgement is a very weak position to put yourself into because it leads you to believe that your faults are less damaging to yourself and others than those whom you are persecuting. You then deny yourself of the opportunity for the personal growth that leads to happiness. The happiest people I know cast no stones. They know they are blessed if their life circumstances have not lead them to the sinful decisions that our society have deemed the most disgraceful. They pray for those who have hurt them, they forgive them, and prayerfully work to create a life of happiness for themselves.
I have seen infidelity ruin people and families and I have seen it save people and families. And sometimes a little of both. We are all sinners and we are all broken. It’s how we handle the situation that makes the difference. We can only control ourselves. That’s where the love, healing, and growth has to come from.
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There are some very hateful, judgmental and bitter comments on here. Unless you are walking in someone else’s shoes you don’t really have a right to judge them. Not knowing the full facts of a person’s circumstances and what they’ve been through then judging them is incredibly simple minded. Anyway, I find it a bit funny that people are on here throwing hate and being hurtful to others about being hurtful to others.
I’m leaving this story not knowing if anyone will ever read it since the latest post is over a year ago, but I need to get this off my chest.
I am the other man. I was approached by a friend of mines wife a year ago because her marriage was falling apart. He was cheating, had moved into another house, and basically separated himself from entirely. We started out just talking about her marriage as friends and I gave her friendly advice, trying to build her self esteem and let her know she didn’t deserve this.
After talking friendly for a few months, and her talking repeatedly how she was going to end the marriage we started flirting and eventually ended up seeing each other and becoming involved romantically. We instantly clicked and have so much in common. And for the next few months our relationship flourished while she reached the height of a potential divorce and at one point had given him his house key back and had divorce papers drawn up.
About this time is when her husband changed jobs to one that was more local and away from his convenient affair. So he started to try and reel his wife back in because his affair was no longer available like it had been. She started to fall for the fantasy that he was being genuine about wanting her again and she, for the first time began to waiver with her decision to get divorced.
By this time she was torn between the two of us. Over the next few months our time together started to dwindle and her time with him was increasing. I felt her pulling away from me and tried to talk to her about this only to be met with her trying to convince me she was just trying to work this divorce out in her head. I had already fallen for her because I feel our connection was extremely strong I just didn’t know it yet.
Fast forward to now… For the past two weeks I have been hanging on to hope that she actually goes through with a divorce. She stood me up about eight times when we were supposed to be together for the night and she ended up staying with him. After the most recent time I blew up and realized from the hurt how I truly felt about her. I confessed my love and gave her back some gifts she had gotten me along with a 9 page letter explaining that I needed to break away from this and remove myself from the equation because I couldn’t take the pain anymore.
She was crushed by the thought of allowing things to get to this point and assured me she only needed one more reason to jump start the divorce she says her gut is telling her needs to happen. Only all this does I keep me hanging in and holding on to hope. I agreed to give her a week to make a decision. To either crap or get off the pot. However our area was bombarded with rain and her house was being threatened by flooding so i told her I would give her more time.
After waiting for another week, and her having to live with her husband while the waters recede, I decided I needed to step away from this and move on with my life. Today I left her a gift for her daughter and another long letter explaining why I had to walk away. We locked eyes and both of us teared up. I told her in the letter that I would love to be a part of her future if she ever went through with the divorce and broke out of the cage he has her in.
They dont have kids together. They have been married for nine years and separated for four. He is a good friend of mine and I know how he truly feels about her. He is only trying to keep her on the porch so he can resume future affairs when they arrive. I have told her this. I don’t hide anything from her. He even told me he couldn’t live with her because he didn’t like her daughter. Yet his wife loves his son like her own.
There are so many reason for why she should leave him. And she knows this and told me frequently. She still says her gut is telling her to move on, and I don’t think she ever will. I let her know I was cutting all ties with her, blocking her on messenger and unfriending her on FB. She still has a decision to make about her future, but I’m crushed because I cannot have contact with her now and am wondering if I will ever hear from her again. Being the other man is tough. And I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t pursue her. I never would’ve crossed that line with her if I thought she wasn’t eventually getting divorce. The entire thing is unfair to me and I feel like a fool. I know she is my soulmate and even though she doesn’t express feelings or emotions very well and hasn’t really ever told me what I mean to her I know she cares about me, but I don’t know to what extent.
Long story short, I fell for the right woman at the wrong time. And only time will tell if we end up together. I hope so, and know that her and I would flourish because she has never been treated the way I treated her. The question is will she ever get the courage to break away from an unhappy security to take a chance on a happy uncertainty.
You aren’t “the other man.” That is not the role you played in her marriage. Her and her husband were separated before you came along, you played no role in the separation. Your in love with a woman who still loves her husband. You need to step back and do an internal inventory and figure out why you are willing to accept so little from someone you love. Why did you choose to become involved with a woman who wasn’t available, was already taken? You’re where you are because you don’t feel you are worthy of a woman who is free to love you and commit to you. Why is that?
I guess I also have a “40” as well who also happened to be my first love. I have known him since I was a child and fell in love with him as a teenager. Then we got older and went our separate ways and I met my oldest child’s father at the age of 20, who ended up getting abusive and controlling. I was very unhappy and tried asking him to leave and ending it but he was very persuasive and persistent and I was honestly terrified and intimidated by him. I reconnected with 40 who also was in a relationship and we started cheating on our partners. We had met up one day and sparks went flying as if we never missed a beat. He started encouraging me to leave my ex which I ended up doing but he didn’t break up with his girlfriend. With us both so young and conflicted, we decided ending things was best.
Years later I meet my husband and things started out like they usually do in the beginning, effortless. He cheated on me while I was pregnant and I was trying to move on and forgive him but then he also started getting disrespectful and untrustworthy. He was very insecure he also made many terrible financial decisions. We were starting to not only drift apart but we weren’t getting along either and it was even starting to effect our sex life. I started to question if I still wanted to be with my husband or just give up the life we built and start over effecting our finances even more and our children. Although, I hadn’t forgiven him, I chose to stay because I believed we could get through these obstacles, after all, we had been through so much together. Then I run into “40” at my old neighborhood and we once again reconnected on social media. Who am I kidding, I knew immediately that the feelings I had for him were still there upon starting to see him again. But this time was different because I believed at the time that I loved my husband and didn’t want him to get hurt. Once again, it was a little troubling to start this cycle with my “40” again because of how it ended the last time. I knew that I had to make a choice and weighed out all of the consequences of my actions because I was starting to feel so guilty and just wrong even though being with him felt so right. Being deceptive to my husband was eating away at me but I couldn’t face him which made things worse because he ended up finding out when going through my phone.
By no means was I seeking revenge in cheating. I had been really trying hard to fight it by trying not to allow myself to be so weak.The difference in his cheating and mine was that I actually fell in love with the person I was having an affair with all over again. However, I had to come to the realization that my marriage was already over, I just didn’t have the strength to end it. As far as 40 and I, we are in love and I don’t think that could possibly change because I love everything about him despite his minor imperfections, he’s all I think about, and we have been deprived of one another long enough, I don’t want to go another day without him. However, we are taking things slower before committing to one another especially since I’m coming out of a 7 years marriage.
I am not some type of advocate for cheaters and adulterers everywhere. In fact, cheating is unethical, it should not be the answer, and divorce is always a painful process. It’s not a joke and decisions like this should never be taken lightly. One common misconception: Not all people who have committed this act are whores, selfish, or promiscuous. Sometime these decisions take place because of some deeply rooted issues within the relationship that people oftentimes ignore and go unresolved. People who commit adultery are humans who went about things the wrong way instead of working on themselves and their marriage. Furthermore, if you make this mistake, you need time to heal and forgive yourself. You will also have to decide what it is you want and stick to it. Whether or not your partner forgives you or moves on, you have to be honest with yourself about what lead you there and begin to make different choices that prevents mistakes like this from ever happening again.
The only thing you know for sure about “40” is that he is a man who will screw another man’s wife. And, the only thing he knows for sure about you is that you’re a woman who will screw another man while married. That will be the issue that will end your relationship eventually. It isn’t built on a foundation of trust but a foundation of betrayal.
I know more about 40 than my husband knew about the bimbo he cheated on me with. You know nothing about the situation and you don’t sound like any expert. You just sound like a hurt individual. I hope you also can heal or you will push your partners away or into the arms of another man or woman with your repulsive behavior.
I’m not a hurt individual. In fact, I’m a very contented and happy individual. I’ve never been touched by infidelity. I didn’t cheat and neither did my ex. I’m just someone who has known quite a few couples who had the foundation of infidelity as their relationship. None of those couples are still together. One or the other cheats again and BAM the denial has to be faced. I don’t partake in repulsive behavior. My partner and I met after our divorces were final and we had healed. We have a healthy relationship that isn’t founded on the betraying others. I think you accusing me of repulsive behavior may be an example of transference of your behavior onto me.
If all you from my story that I’m a woman willing to screw someone while I’m married than yes you appear hurt or just judgmental. I was faithful to my husband up until the point I found out while I was pregnant that he cheated with a prostitute and had been running a prostitution ring without me knowing. He thought he gave me an STD. The trust had been broken and so was our marriage. I never completely got over all he has put me through so I refuse to take full responsibility for the destruction of our marriage. Your comments appear insensitive and not very insightful instead assumptive. How exactly are you qualified to speak into my situation without knowing the full dynamics or asking questions.
Consequence consequence consequence… Something screams selfish here. A husband, THREE kids? That’s a tall order, Missy. A tall, tall order that you just did.ped on someone that was supposed to trust you. Did you try to resolve his drug problem? See a therapist or even a divorce lawyer? You’ve abandoned a family you created for a love fantasy. For a happily ever after. I dearly, dearly hope your ex is okay. That could NOT have been good for his issues, finding out you cheated and lied.