For as long as I have talked to divorced people about their co-parenting situations, I have heard frustrated complaints about the “Clothes Wars!” If you have shared custody of a child, you probably know what I’m referring to, and there’s a good chance you have your own tale to add to the collection. Who knew that socks or a child’s shirt could cause so much strife?
The Clothes Wars, as I have witnessed and experienced them, include any one (or more) of the following infractions:
A child being returned with no shirt and only one shoe; so, essentially, half of an outfit was lost to the black hole, and a decent pair of shoes were separated. What’s the kid supposed to do now with one shoe, and what the heck happened to the rest of his clothes?
Children would be dressed in decent outfits for school, then returned in crap that was at least two sizes too small and ready to be donated to a thrift store. After several occurrences of this scenario, it was determined that our clothes were being used to create a new wardrobe at the other parent’s home, and we were receiving all of the castoffs.
Brand new shoes that were, admittedly, a funky color that the child picked out herself were thrown away by her grandparent because she did not personally care for them- never mind that she wasn’t the one who purchased them and the child liked them!
Brand new shoes were, within two weeks of purchase, “eaten” by the other parent’s dog, so he was returned in November weather in his older (by 5 years) brother’s shoes that were ridiculously too big. This occurred late evening on a school night, so his other parent just expected him to be sent to school in clown-like shoes or for us to go out and buy new ones before the next day. No apologies, just a problem dumped in my lap to solve!
Children returned multiple times in wintertime without their coats.
So, after numerous instances of wanting to pull out hair after losing nice items, these are some of the many strategies we’ve adopted in our household:
1. Every article of clothing is labeled with an initial to indicate which parent’s house it came from. I don’t worry about labeling the other parents’, I just make sure there is a clearly visible initial in permanent ink inside each garment that belongs to our home. I don’t worry about underwear and socks, but you bet all jeans, shirts, coats, and others are branded!
2. Whatever a child wears to our home is what he or she will wear when they return to their other parent. Period. I’m sorry if mom sent a child who wears a size 16 in size 12 jeans that won’t even zip up. The days of filling someone else’s closet with clothes I worked hard to buy are over! If a child complains that they don’t like a particular item or the way it fits, they are encouraged to tell the other parent that it’s time to retire that piece because it is not our item and we do not have the authority to dispose of it.
3. When we have quick turnaround from when a child comes to us and when they will return to the other parent, we do keep extra clothing to fill the need. Any extra clothing of other parents that have accumulated at my house are kept in a special basket, and the night before they go back we assemble an outfit for each child from what we have that belong to that parent.
I won’t lie, sometimes the stuff is not my cup of tea, but their other parent thought the garments acceptable. It’s not my place to sort through things based on how appealing or well-fitting I think they are because I didn’t buy them or select them. I tell myself I’m playing devil’s advocate and not disposing of crap because it’s their property; but, I suspect the kids are purposely sent in crap in hopes of getting something better in return.
4. We lay partial responsibility on the children to remember needed items. The youngest is ten. We feel that all of them are mature enough to recognize that shoes are needed to attend school (or to leave the house), or when it’s snowing a coat is necessary. Yes, in a perfect world an adult parent would make sure that kids always had their schoolbag, sport’s equipment, shoes, and coats; but, in our world there is no guarantee of that! So, we emphasize to the kids over-and-over that they need to be sure to grab these items because we won’t necessarily drive 40 minutes to retrieve something they left behind, nor can we expect their other parent to.
Additionally, we remind the kids that if they want shoes, musical instruments, coats, and other items to remain in serviceable condition, they can’t leave them laying out on the front porch or where a pet will chew them up! I would like to think that an adult would make them hang up their coats or feel a sense of responsibility when their animal destroys something; but, it’s better to be safe than sorry!
Yes, we have heard the argument that the clothes are the children’s, so they should go where the kids go. If I had any reason to believe we could expect comparable clothes for the ones we send, I would be willing to play that game. As it is, I know I can expect the kids in our home to come to us resembling street urchins whether we send them in nice clothes or the clothes they came to us in.
Apparently there is a closet somewhere holding down one of the corners of the Bermuda Triangle, and anything nice I have ever bought and allowed to enter that home is sucked into the great unknown, never to be seen again!
Most of the kids are very compliant and understanding that an outfit is their other parent’s, and that is what they will go back in. They will always return clean and in equal condition to how we received them. My step daughter does not care for the arrangement and thinks that it’s stupid that she has to wear her mom’s clothes. I wish that these extra steps weren’t necessary, but after years of being part of the Clothes War, we have found that these strategies keep us from losing everything we provide for the kids and help to make sure the kids have what they need, when they need it.
I think it’s an important step for the children to recognize that we will treat their other parent’s belongings with care and make sure that their property returns. This has helped the kids to correctly focus their suggestions about the clothing to the appropriate parent. I will wash clothing that she has marked “mom”, but I’m not going to address criticism for how dorky or small each item is. I will do my part to work hard to earn decent clothing for them to wear, but I feel that I also have the right to protect them.
FAQs About Clothes Of Children Of Divorce:
Do children lose clothes visiting the other parent?
Don’t be surprised if your children keep losing their clothes after visiting the other parent. It’s common for children to leave a pair of shoes, shirt or jeans at one parent’s house between visits.
How to keep children from losing clothes between visits?
Mark with a permanent marker all clothes to indicate which parents house it came from—if you want children not to lose clothes between visits. Keep extra pairs of sox and underwear if you find keeping track of it frustrating. And do not go through the trouble of marking the clothes the other parent bought.
What to do with children’s clothes the other parent bought?
Keep them separate from clothes your children wear when with you—preferably in a basket. Use them as a pair for each child when they go back even if you don’t like them. The other parent considered the garment worth wearing, let them deal with it.
Should children be responsible for taking care of their stuff?
You should tell children that they need to be responsible for their stuff; they should remember what needs.to be carried along between visits. In a perfect world, a parent will make sure children have their school bags, shoes, clothes and other things at hand at all times.
As a step mum I too am experiencing the clothes war. Bermuda Triangle doesn’t even begin to describe it! It’s so frustrating and my SD’s Mum has now suggested we “share” clothes between the houses. Basically, that’s her way of saying she has no money to buy anything new or decent, and can we do that so she doesn’t have to. My immediate feeling is no because we will end up with nothing at some point, however I am going to ask her whether she can afford to buy anything new and see if I get lied to (usual). Your article resonated greatly with me, and I’m glad I’m not the only one who has these issues. Some of my friends think I’m being unreasonable but why should I work my butt off to clothe her daughter in good clothes when we get sent the tat!
This is bizarre. The writer is a total narcissist. Does she not have any notion that the clothes are personal belongings of the children? They’re not “her” clothes. That is just the wrong way to think. I feel like this would damage kids… having to be told even your clothes are not really your own but actually belong to your mother.
As a father that totally struggles with this when I do make a point of getting a good range of things for my two kids in shared parenting this article also made me feel that maybe it’s just me thinking that this behaviour is totally screwing with our kids brains and emotions. Clothes shouldn’t be such a big deal and we should embrace a fact that the child has a saying and is a human being with his own personality! Sure we should try to take care and send things back every now and again… But ultimately the child should feel their parents aren’t yet fighting about something else.
It is obvious that this parent needs to take a parenting after separation course, because you are absolutely correct. This behavior and stress over clothing is damaging to a child’s psyche. Clothing that is bought for the children belongs to the children, and if you notice that the child may be going without in the other home, step up for the child. This behavior from the parent is incredibly toxic and it’s sad that this article can even be referenced as “war”. Bing!
I completely agree with the author and totally understand. I guess some of the commentors don’t understand how expensive it is to replace every outfit of clothing you ever buy. Just think of weekly exchanges as being 52 outfits a year that just disappear to the other parent’s home and never return.
Hold the adult accountable then. All I hear while reading that is “me me me me mine mine mine mine” with zero thought of the child and how it makes them feel to hv two completely different lives. It’s hard enough developing a sense of self without being able to wear what you want because Mom bought it and your going to Dads. Selfish people. Adults putting themselves before the child.
1000% disagree. These are the child’s/childrens belongings. I find it selfish of all adults involved to consider their children’s belongings theirs. How is a child supposed to develop a sense of self if everything is either mom’s or dad’s? What a bunch of jerks who see the child as an extension of themselves and not as an individual. Do you consider the child’s mental health and development at all? Or it’s just ME ME ME MINE MINE MINE.
Thank you so much for this article! The sad truth is that one does not simply “hold the adult accountable” when dealing with a high-conflict individual (sociopath, narcissist, borderline, antisocial…), who unfortunately uses otherwise trivial things like clothing as a means of controlling, distressing, and nickel-and-diming the other parent. The high-conflict parent often uses this to force otherwise unnecessary contact and continue to harass and manipulate the other parent. Having experienced this firsthand, I can attest that the author’s solution (recommended to me by a parenting coordinator no less) is sometimes the only viable option. It is unfortunate that the victimized parent’s response to the high-conflict parent seems narcissistic to the uninitiated. Enough is enough. There comes a point when the control tactics and gaslighting become far more damaging to the child(ren) than whether they have extra clothes. If they really like certain clothes, they can have the same at both places.
Completely agree, mum refuses to hand back uniform for the children that fit the children. Mum will happily send the children to school in uniform that is 3 sizes to big or too small, we bought uniform that fits the children and she refuses to hand this back so we have no option but to constantly ask for the uniform to be returned, which she refuses to do as it is the only control that she has not, as court took all the away from her as they clearly see the person she is. Its the children that are suffering as mum is using them as a weapon to play her games and controlling.
Our oldest will ONLY wear items that were given to him by his bio-mom. He will not wear clothing, shoes, underwear, etc. that we bought him, even if he picks it out. The clothes that he chooses to wear are second hand items too big, with holes and are faded/funky. He has come home multiple times wearing his step-dad’s clothes. It’s really disheartening. We keep the items in a separate bin in the closet. We return all the clothes when they have large breaks. We are court ordered to have outfits, but mom won’t abide by it, even after posting reminders in the parent talking app. It’s dumb that articles of clothing can cause such an emotional response and can also be a complete sign of rejection; knowingly or unknowingly.
Those who are calling the writer a narcissist need to check themselves. Clearly they are coming from the privileged position of not co-parenting with a greedy psycho. When the other parent has had a huge cash payout and gets healthy child support cheques every month and sends the child in threadbare hand-me-downs that are a couple of sizes too small? Every time?! And I won’t even mention shoes. It might seem petty but it can become expensive when you have already supplemented her lifestyle and she is refusing to share any of the money that is for the child with the child. We wash and return in the clothes as per arrival as well. It’s easier this way and the child knows he has belongings of his that stay with dad and belongings of his that stay with his mother.