Let me paint a scenario. You’re married and there are no serious problems in your marriage. You fly off to, say, Toronto, for a business trip. While there, you meet a guy you find incredibly handsome and you’re drawn to him. Thing is, he’s married with a young son. Oh, right, and you’ve got a husband at home waiting for you. Oh well, hormones can’t be controlled and you have an affair. Turns out, you fall for him. Hard. You two are in love and you both leave your spouses and eventually marry. Several years later, and after four children, you find out your hubby is cheating on you. You’re hurt, devastated and feel betrayed. It is painful beyond belief. You’re not eating or sleeping. Your children are confused. Where’s daddy? Why is mommy acting so strange and sad?
But, while this whole thing is awful, should you be surprised? And how sorry should your friends really feel for you? You destroyed the man’s prior family (and your own), after all. Truth is, most of your friends (behind your back) felt sorry for the spouses you both ditched and the pain you caused them (not to mention the pain inflicted on the innocent child left behind).
This is the story of actors Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott. And so many, many other couples. You probably know some yourself. Maybe you’ve even found yourself in a similar situation.
But the reality is, when you marry a cheater, then you have a husband who is a cheater. And, even worse, when you were part of the whole “cheating” thing, it’s just karma. Sucks, doesn’t it?
A friend of mine did something similar. Let’s call her Jane. Jane fell in love with Zack. The problem is that Zack was married. They embarked on a torrid and drama-filled affair. Zack eventually left his wife, who was devastated by the split. Zack and Jane eventually married and they now have three sons. Sound heavenly? It’s not. As one might expect, Zack has side lovers all over the place. He’s a chronic cheater and everyone knew it pretty much throughout their relationship (except Jane who chose to look the other way until she couldn’t). One day, Jane caught Zack in flagrante delicto with his best friend’s nanny. It was awful for Jane. She stopped eating or sleeping and got on Prozac. Zack promised to end the affair with Nanny and he sort of did but not really. And Jane doesn’t know (or at least pretends to not know) that Nanny isn’t Zack’s only lover. There are lots more, including the co-worker who gives him frequent blowjobs in the company bathroom. (Zack tells his best friend everything and, in turn, the best friend tells everyone else. The stories are quite entertaining and very pathetic.) I feel for Jane. Sort of. She married a serial cheater. She got exactly what she bargained for.
Ladies, when we knowingly marry (or date) a douchebag, then we have a douchebag for a partner. Sound good? Not in my book!
The trick is to get to know a man well enough over a period of time to ensure that he’s a good guy. Because if you’re willing to commit to a man you already know has enormous character flaws, then set your expectation for that relationship really low. And even then, know that he’ll still fall far below even your lowest expectations.
So let’s go back to Tori. I watched her latest reality show, True Tori, on the Lifetime network and it was painful. Raw and awful, true hell. I’m actually Team Tori. I’ve always liked her. I grew up watching her guest on some of my favorite TV shows, like The Love Boat and Vegas. And, of course, the original Beverly Hills 90210. I purchased her book, sTORI Telling at Costco and really liked it. I understand what it’s like to raise children and (try) to hold it together when a marriage is falling apart. It’s horrid. Listening to Tori’s husband blame not enough sex for his cheating is disgusting. For years, if the tabloids are believable, Tori has had huge trust issues with Dean. She has feared from pretty much Day 1 that he would cheat on her.
Um, duh?
And what does she do? She has four children with him.
What the hell.
My whole point is this: If he cheated with you, he’s going to cheat on you. If that doesn’t sound cool to you, then run for the hills.
Run for the Beverly Hills!!! I loved your post this morning. Seriously, while this is terribly sad, this is no surprise. Once a cheater…ALWAYS a cheater! Totally sharing this!
Great post. And these same lessons apply to other aspects of our partner’s character. If he cuts corners with the truth before marriage, he’s likely to do so after. If he’s willing to take your money and not spend his own, don’t expect a different result after dancing at the wedding. What we choose to NOT see with those rose-colored glasses on will likely come back to bite us in the butt. Character is character, and we need to open our eyes and pay attention.
D. A.
I was/am Jane. I don’t think my ex was a serial cheater but he had been talking about this lovely girl he met at a work function. Two years later after years of fertility treatments and a set of one year old twins I was discarded for someone 11 years his junior. She is known to sleep around with married men in their industry and my ex wasn’t the first just the first to leave his wife for her. I have heard rumours of her cheating on him however after three years (probably more) of dating they are living together. He doesn’t pay support and I had to take him to court to pay however it’s my fault he is poor (He makes six figures). He bails on the kids if there is something better going on like her birthday and lie to me saying he is visiting his dad. I could go on and on about excuses he makes up. He is, however, happy to take them if he has a borthday party or family function so he can show them off. Mutual friends have sided with him as he has much more time to spend with them – sees his kids once a month – and he tells them that I’m just a gold digger. He is late paying daycare almost every month, but that’s my fault. He does lots of volunteer work including raising money for three children of a deceased friend of his yet feels money supporting his kids is a burden. I am very lucky to have a select few friends and family members who have stuck by me. I am a single mom raising four year old twins – whom I adore – whilst getting my masters to ensure they are provided for properly. I am trying to raise thoughtful, empathetic, intelligent citizens while hiding my pain. I’m a mess and not sure how much longer I can go on being vilified and abandoned for being cheated on and fighting for support for my kids. Just needed to get that off my chest.
patiently waiting for karma…..
AC: I am so sorry to hear your story. Be strong and hang in there. Some day you will have healed and he will still be himself– a man who was willing to destroy a family. Karma is real and character flaws don’t disappear.
I’m now divorced due to my husband’s TWO long affairs!
And after 7 yrs of shenanigans with his second mistress he finally marrried her at a water park without even telling our 3 kids and me in advance- he told the kids later on that it was to get on her health insurance.
My ex is now her 4th husband and both of them are serial cheaters. Thriving on secrecy, schemes and lies- Good luck with that!