Every Woman's Online Dream Date Profile
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April 20, 2015

I'm so over online dating. And by online dating I mean free sites that are easier, cheaper (obviously), and full of bottom feeders.

How hard is it boyfriends? Seriously.

I get that you love to hang glide, rock climb, drive a crotch rocket and  live in a tree house. Not any girl wants that. O.K some do, they are out there. Good luck.

You claim to want a fit, athletic woman. Really. I don't have time to be that, with all the emotional eating since not finding a guy who has written this dream profile:


(Picture here will be of a shirt-wearing, happy-smiling man not on any type of equipment.)

Hey girl, (yes, I stole that from Ryan Gosling memes, because should you want him more than me I get it).

I am a happy-go-lucky man with a boat load of cash. And, I don't feel for one minute that woman are gold diggers.


Women deserve to be pampered with more than love letters and hand stirred chai lattes.

I will fund your shopping because you have hard days. I want to be the credit in your debt. When you look down upon your adorable shoes, I want you to think me, not Jimmy Choo.

You are the one thing, did I just call you a thing? I hope you noticed and are incredibly offended. Because I would never call you that. You are a beautiful angel-fairy flower from heaven.

Every morning I breathe in all your curves and that gorgeous chin. I think to myself how lucky am I to have a woman that eats.

When I walk in the woods and climb mountains, jet ski and all that exercise stuff, you are nowhere near me. I've already arranged a weekend vegan-spa getaway for you and your best friends. Cause I get it. You save the world each and every day when you manage to keep your hands off your own self.

I don't want you ever to suffer. I will pour your wine at 4 pm every day. It will be a Cabernet from our vintage collection, obviously. And don't you ever expect to cook dinner. We will have a chef. And yes he's young and hot. Before you even wonder, he knows how to make the best creme brulee on Earth.

I myself, if I can talk about me for a second, love poetry and reading it to you before bed. I love morning sex, because at the end of the night you are tired and should just rest.

I find shampooing my woman's hair a turn on, along with folding her intimates which I washed by hand.

Can I just say I also believe in having big arms to wrap around you. I work out only to be strong for you, and a trophy who walks beside you.

I was raised well, and have sixteen sisters. Meaning I know every possible combination of women's mood swings. I not only can share a bathroom, I build one just for you. Soaker tub check. Toilet in separate room. Of course.

I love surprises and assume you do too which is why I have a have a subscription to all the food of the month clubs out there. And of course lingerie of the month which you choose to show off or not.

We are going to have so much fun together. Antique shopping, shopping in general, going to our favorite museums, finding matching wind breaker jackets, and of course lying on every hot beach we can fly to in my private jet.

Yes, I got a vinyl sticker big enough of your name for the side of my plane.

Please Message me even if you just want someone to shop with.

Dreaming of you.




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