I’ve been sort of following Gossip Girl star Kelly Rutherford’s child custody battle saga. I say “sort of” because hearing about any custody battle, after barely surviving my own, makes me want to crawl into a bomb shelter.
I don’t know why Rutherford’s judge granted her ex the right to take their two young children to live with him in Europe. I’m not going to speculate on what she might have done to lose custody or whether or not the judge is biased towards fathers.
But when I read the latest on Rutherford’s court case, how the legal fees and airfare to visit her kids have virtually bankrupted her, when I saw the photos showing how much she’d aged — not so much aged as worn soul-tired and heartbroken — in just a few years, I couldn’t help but wonder:
Are custody battles worth the fight?
* * *
One afternoon shortly after I commenced legal proceedings to retain joint custody of my son, I sat at a conference table across from my attorney Sidney. After discussing specifics of my case, in particular the personality and financial profile of my ex, Sidney put down his pen and looked at me.
“You are not going to win this. You should give him sole custody of Luca.”
“I can’t!” I gasped. “I can’t give up custody of my son!”
Sidney gave me a patient smile.
“Do you really think the judge would take away my custody?” I asked. “I mean, doesn’t a mother have to be, like, a crack addict to lose custody?”
Sidney uttered a line that perfectly sums up the travesty otherwise known as family law:
“You don’t go to family court to get justice. You go to get answers.”
I didn’t like that answer. So I asked my then-therapist, who specialized in high-conflict divorce, what she thought about my situation.
“I’ll ask you what I ask all my other clients,” she said. “What’s the worst nightmare you can live with?”
“What? What does that mean?”
She gave me the same patient smile that Sidney did.
“Think of the worst nightmare you can live with. Because that’s what you might get if you go to court. You’re better off now giving your ex everything he wants.”
I didn’t like that answer either. Nor did I like the answer Atticus’s friend, an appelate lawyer, gave him about my case.
“Louis says you’re going to lose,” said Atticus. “Prince has too much money and he’s the kind of guy who won’t stop fighting. If he gets a verdict he doesn’t like, he’ll just appeal. We need to throw in the towel. Now.”
Atticus had actually been the one who convinced me to fight for custody. It had taken all the stamina I could muster to high-jump over my reluctance. Now that I was in the ring, I wasn’t prepared to take off my gloves.
I consulted with Sarah, a smart blonde forensic psychologist often hired to weigh in on celebrity custody cases. I had seen her a few times before, and she had encouraged me to try to retain custody.
But this time, after hearing about Prince’s latest Ninja moves, she said very gently:
“You should give Prince everything he wants.”
“I can’t!” I practically sobbed.
“I’ve seen what custody battles do to people, Pauline. Financially, psychologically. And in your case, at the end of the day, I’m not sure what you’re going to get out of it.”
I still wasn’t ready to quit. Until a few weeks later when I told Sarah who had been appointed as our custody evaluator.
“I don’t trust him” she said. “He doesn’t understand Parental Alienation, and he’s lazy. You don’t want the judge reading his report. Get out now.”
This time I listened. I had lost six figures, ten pounds, and hundreds of brain cells. Luca was being ravaged in the parental cross-fire. So I settled. I gave my ex what he wanted: essentially full custody of Luca and — due to my inability to pay for a forensic accountant — no child support payments.
I was officially living the worst nightmare I could imagine.
* * *
In hindsight, I believe the advice that had been impossible to stomach was the advice I should have followed all along. I was fighting a fight I couldn’t win, and I got tromped before I reached the finish line.
Ironically, and perhaps karmic justice-ly, giving Luca to Prince brought my son back to me. When I got myself out of the equation, Prince realized he couldn’t handle Luca on his own, and Luca realized I wasn’t so bad after all.
And me? I can honestly say I “won” by “losing.” I learned to detach from the toxic struggle in which I’d been locked since the beginning of my marriage to Prince. While I would never suggest other single mothers forego child support, in my case not being financially dependent on my ex has been liberating: Prince has lost his primary leverage source and I don’t have to grovel for the check every month.
Given that I rebuilt my relationship with my son by giving up custody, it’s easy for me to look back and say my battle wasn’t worth the fight. There are times when parents have to fight: when their children are being abused by the other parent, when one parent wants a moveaway order, or when that other parent is sociopathic.
Absent these circumstances, I’m not sure that any custody battle is worth it. Kids are always sucked into the vortex of conflict and the richer, crazier parent is usually the victor.
I couldn’t have known any of this two years ago. But if I were advising others contemplating a custody battle, I would ask them this:
Are you fighting a fight you can win?
It’s awful and I can’t imagine what you went through. I recognize that ‘primary leverage source’ comment and hate the feeling that I get when I realize how much Stanley has the upper hand just because he makes more money. There are no easy answers but I am so grateful that you and Luca have re-established yourselves.
When it comes to the big “D”, are there any right answers? As trite as it sounds, you lose an arm in the woodchipper but then realise you’re lucky. You could have lost an arm and a leg. Unfortunately, it isn’t about what’s fair. It isn’t about justice. And it isn’t about truth. It’s about minimising your losses and getting out in one piece.
I watched a video of a Japanese couple pointing to an empty foundation. The tsunami had washed away their house and everything they owned. They had nothing left. But they were still alive.
Despite the losses, life still serves us up some surprises: Luca comes home.
All the best to you in your world. wb
Great post, Pauline. You make some excellent points and give important weight to what should really be considered in a custody battle. I think your advice is solid and I concur. If you can’t afford (emotionally, financially, physically) the legal battle don’t engage. Although it is hard to imagine giving up custody rights, in the end children see and spend time with who they want not necessarily what a court document says. The children pay in the end both financially (their education funds) and emotionally. Here in Canada though, we cannot negotiate child support. I’m not sure that is what happened to you but if you share custody child support is paid by each parent. I guess if he has sole custody then he wouldn’t pay but he still would for your daughter, and I hope he did!
Thanks for sharing your experience.
Nope — doesn’t pay for my daughter either! But his family does pay both kids’ tuition, which I’m grateful for.
Wow. I guess that is a form of support but not from the father. But it’s wonderful that everything has worked out for you and Luca (after a lot of turmoil and struggle no doubt).
thanks, Lisa!
Perhaps a disclaimer should be at the bottom of a marriage certificate or for that matter at the bottom of a birth or adoption certificate in the event of a divorce or a custody battle that states “In the case marriage ends, all children from said marriage are subject to live with either parent at the event of a divorce or break up of the parental relationship. There is no guarantee that either parent will have whole, half, or even partial custody of child once divorce is imminent, unless the parent has a really good lawyer, who charges more per hour than one parent makes in a month. The chance of obtaining custody of child is pretty much null and void. The judiciary makes no claims, promises, or guarantees about who your child will live with and expressly disclaims you as a parent. While judiciary is qualified for criminal, property, contract, regulation of trades and professions, malpractice, partnerships, corporations, personal injury lawsuits, workers’ injury claims, traffic violations and registration of motor vehicles, it has no business in the termination and dissolving of your family. Thus, the judiciary is not held responsible or liable for taking child(ren) and giving child(ren) to other parent who needs supervised visits, and/or is a sociopath, or a narcissist. Rarely, but more often than not, with prolonged use of the judiciary system to handle your divorce and custody matters, side effects may occur such as, sleepless nights, headaches, and an empty bank account.
Brilliant.
This one is so close to my heart Pauline… tears are welling up. I gave up too. Same reason, wealthy, sociopath, narcissist, ex who plays dirty and stops at nothing. I felt like such a failure to my son and to myself, and to my youngest son. How could the court not see what a great family I have with my husband and my youngest son, and how important we are to my oldest son? He adores his little brother, and my husband (his stepdad) as well. I worried what people would think of me. How could a mom lose residential custody? How could a guardian agree that my kid should move 6 hours south of me, while his dad goes to graduate school? Reading the recommendation of the guardian seared my heart like nothing else with its “should move to Atlanta to be with his dad,” “liberal visitation schedule,” and such. Now, I wish I would have saved some of that money I spent, and heartache I suffered to just let go. I hope I can build my relationship to be as strong as you’ve been able to with Luca. My son is constantly reminded by his father that I’m not smart enough, and that I’m not capable enough. I hope someday he will see how wrong his dad is. I hope someday he gets the chance to know me for the good person, and loving mother that I am. I also hurt for people in this situation like I never did before, because I know. I don’t wish this to happen to my worst enemy, but if it happens, I pray for their ability to find peace in whatever it is that happens and for them to know that it’s okay.
I’m living proof that these ruptured relationships can repair themselves. Wishing you all the best.
It gives me a ton of hope, Pauline… so, thank you for sharing.
An excellent article, packed with truth, compassion and wisdom! Thank you Pauline!
Thank you for posting this, although it was a tough read, as I have just initiated a custody battle including 4 pages worth of contempt charges with my ex after 7 years being divorced. I am having a difficult time wrapping my mind around the possibility that I may eventually wind up having to tuck my tail between my legs, however I feel somewhat confident in my case in that it is mostly open and shut (I hope) and I have gotten the impression our judge is less than impressed with him. Still, like your ex, my ex’s family has lots of money and they have no problem funding his legal battles where I am concerned, so I am still reluctant and fearful. I hope everything works out in the end. So glad to hear that despite your struggles, your story has a mostly happy ending.
You poor darling, you really have been through the mill and back. I hurt for you in all those words, and then the knowledge of your first husband dying must have stirred up a lot of long lost and forgotten feelings that surfaced again. Divorce is hard, and then custody battles even harder, but you seem to have retained your sanity in spite of it all.. not sure I would have done.. I shared those feelings of first getting together and then the realisation that he never would change and it was going to get worse and worse.. so now he has died.. just thinking of your efforts to be calm and kind for your children who loved their dad despite his failings.. I am sending you hugs and best wishes, for the hurt that the memories have left you.. janzi from across the pond..
Hi Jeannine — thank you for your comment about the custody issue, but the person whose ex is dead is Ina Chadwick, who wrote a guest post for me called “Death of an Ex.”
I am very sorry for your ordeal. I think it is important to note that in Rutherford’s case, the judge felt she was actively undermining the children’s relationship with their father, and this is why they were awarded joint custody but residence with the father. The father lost his visa due to Rutherford’s allegations that he was selling weapons and drugs, and his visa is denied while those are investigated. If you look back over the history of their relationship, there are hints that Rutherford may be unstable. An important thing that judges weigh is whether parents are supporting each other.
I just “gave up” my custody battle for my 18month old son yesterday. I like how you said you really won by losing. Everyone thinks I’m insane/selfish/being manipulated by giving my ex sole custody. He can call it whatever he wants, he can have my child support money, he can tell everyone I “gave away” my son, but he can never take away my birth experience or special bond I have with my baby.
I too thought, “Wait, I’m not a crack whore, I’m not an alcoholic. I’m a loving, young, 26 yr old mother. Why would a court decide anything but me!?”. But its foolish to assume that a court cares about your family. My ex has unlimited money and even deeper than his pockets is his all- consuming will to “win”. Its toxic and I’m so grateful everyday to breathe easy and live fully.
Thanks for writing all this. It helps me a lot.
Moms all are writing the same thing. I think the issue is they say “take away my child support money” but they don’t say that to the DAD. So they go to court to fight over payments for a child that is a HUMAN while wondering why they have conflict in their lives.
If you want peace, don’t try to take money from another human. Settle it down the middle- 50/50 and no money exchanged and there is peace. Be responsible for your own happiness and finances and it’ll be much easier.
Larissa, wrong. Many states do not allow parents to “waive” child support, as parents cannot negotiate the “financial welfare of the child”. It is a simple calculation based on the gross income of both parties, up to 35% for more than 2 children until the age of 23 (if full-time in college).
There are also additional costs for health/dental/therapists/extracurriculars on top of that. The judge decides, not the parents. Also, either parent can go in for a modification regardless of what was agreed upon, keeping the cycle of court hell going forever.
Anyone who criticises you for your choice doesn’t get it. I got your back, Sister.
Pauline, I’m sorry for your struggle and I want to thank you for sharing all of it. I have been battling with this decision and its really taken a hold of everything in my life. A sociopathic ex who comes and goes and expects to make all the decisions for DS and a voluntarily absent other ex (DD) …then my own cancer diagnosis this summer. I have been fighting to provide my two wonderful kids with stability, routine and love and its becoming evident my mental and physical health are suffering. I have no family close by to help and I’m starting to believe that sending my children to live with their fathers might be the best choice. Not as an act of spite, but desperation. I can’t do this on my own anymore.
Stories like yours make me furious. No one person should have that big a cross to bear on her own. Put on the oxygen mask, Jenna. Really. You can’t help your kids if you’re gasping for air. Wishing you all the best.
This is a hard read and very close to my own personal experience right now, I have been fighting a custody battle with my ex for 5 years now. It is the same in the fact that his family is beyond wealthy and have all the money in the world to keep this train going. Her father is mentally ill and has been proven to be an unstable parent by way a court ordered psychological examination, however he is appealing it now, even though he requested the examination. at this point I am losing my sanity, my ability to function properly even in day to day life, the stress is eating me alive. I see my daughter suffering and feel helpless because even after spending every last cent of my savings (our future) I am still in court and still have no ability to protect her from this narcasist. I live in a city that we were married in, I have no family or support here so I am battling this out on my own. Its come to a point where i cant mentally handle the situation anymore and I have applied for a relocation order to take my daughter home with me but because I have not been functioning well I havent been as thought out and organized as i have been in the past for court and fear I dont have enough evidence that I am suffering and need to go home, at the same time I sure as hell dont want to say I am mentally unfit as well to care for my daughter. I fear in my next court apperance I will lose my daughter to him and maybe, like you have said, this is the best case scenario, I know he would fail soon after but to put my daughter through that to prove a point kills me inside and makes me feel like the worst mother in the world !
Krys, I’m sorry about all this, and I know how hard it is not to have family around to support you. It really feels like a living hell when you’re going through it. Eventually you do get through it, though. I would never advise anyone to give up custody, but you’ve got to put the oxygen mask on and only you know what decisions you need to make in order to do that.
I am currently in a custody battle with my ex of 7 yrs, sounds so similar to Frannie’s story above. I’m being forced to put a value on my children’s lives. I’ve fought so hard to become an independent single mother and now I risk losing my children (emotionally) and my livelihood.
There is no justice, simply war by attrition.
Again, offer to waive child support, make your own money and keep your kids.
Ends the game. If you don’t want to put a value on your childrens’ lives, stop asking for money from their father and he will probably stop fighting you and you can move on.
Let me guess, Larissa you must be married to a man who has to pay child support. Pissed over not being able to spend all his money on yourself? Get over it!
I can relate to many of the painful stories here. The father of my children (and fighting to be my) ex-husband have been through a two year battle. Since I didn’t have evidence of abuse or drugs, after he filed for full custody originally – I thought it best to not fight and settle on 50/50. As we were deemed high conflict and there were issues of abuse raised on both sides and I raised issues of substance abuse several recommendations and safeguards were added to the custody order including use of a Special Master, co-parenting counseling, drug evaluations and parent child evaluations (that one was for me, I thought it would prove my innocence but learned it was just one more opportunity for my ex to control the situation.) We went through therapists, drug counselors, custody evaluators, lawyer, police and even child protective services. My ex claims I am the abusive one and alienated our nine year old son to the point where he would get so angry with the stress of the conflict of being in the middle that he would leave me with bruises. I have had temporary full custody of the children for about a year now, because my ex assaulted me, was convicted of felony drug and distribution charges and continues to fail court mandated drug testing. Yet, the fighting continues. I have a protective order but it is pretty useless. He will follow us to public places to interact with the children – the police don’t get involved because I can’t prove that it isn’t more than coincidence. With the kids there involving the police just puts them in the middle. He harasses me via email, I have blocked all other communication channels but have to keep that one open at the request of the Special Master because the custody is temporary and he needs to be informed of the legal custodial decisions regarding the kids. ( Even she has made a recommendation now an order that he isn’t to email me directly.)I receive no financial support and I had to pay for the evaluation and the drug testing because he was unemployed due to his participation in drug court.
Even with all the evidence against him he still takes me back to court and had hired yet another attorney to fight me in court and in the public with friends and family I am the mentally ill, abusive woman who he had to take care of and now has to protect his children from. I stole the children from him illegally.
My point is that I wish the fighting would stop but I don’t know how. If I give him full custody I am putting me children in danger physically and emotionally he would remind his kids daily of their evil mother and that he fought for them to protect them from the truth all along.
Kelly Rutherford just lost again (August 2014). I don’t think that there were any major issues initally, other that the dad had primary custody because of Kelly’s acting schedule and then he lost his visa and couldn’t stay in the country. He petitioned to move with the kids, and it was granted. Unfortunately, it happens all of the time. Move aways are especially brutal because there really isn’t a comprimise available. It’s winner take all.
She had the kids for the whole summer and spent it fighting to avoid returning them. She’s broke and was representing herself. I think its awful when parents move with the kids (against the other parents wishes). My husbands ex fires that threat off occasionally and it rattles him to the core. The thing that I don’t understand is why Kelly doesn’t just adjust and make the best of it. I know that it sucks and I’m sure at this point she really hates her ex, but she’s spent a lifetime of airfare on appeals and if she wins, the only thing she is doing for her kids is swap which parent they miss.
I worked for lawyers for 10 years, and this is what I learned: In divorce cases, if there are children involved, the only ones who win are the lawyers.
i am in a custody battle now that I probably won’t win. But, if I don’t try, I will never live with myself. Either way it’s going to kill me. Literally. I don’t want to live without my children and no human being..especially the mother who was home with them full time for 7 years should face losing custody because the ex decides he likes someone else better and he’s s lawyer with more money.
I won’t stop fighting until my last breath. I tried stopping and could not function and the children cry and beg at every visit. Their father is doing this for himself. In order to not pay child support. If I don’t keep fighting I don’t want to live. Not without my children. And I won’t stay in purgatory for the rest of my life.
Just getting ready to file the next motion and this is going to kill me also. He will come at me with everything he’s got. The stress will kill me. I’ve gained 60 pounds. Aged so much my friends don’t recognize me. Now have high blood pressure.
Either way I am screwed.
bjt the idea of NOT fighting for my children is a fate worse than death.
Honestly? If I don’t get custody? Im dead within a few short years. I just won’t want to live. I won’t kill myself, but I will lose my will to live and be dead early.
Why don’t you just waive child support and let him go?
Or are you also fighting for the child support?
If it’s not about money, take money out of equation and keep your kids. Super simple.
i am going thru something very difficult. 22 years of marriage
To a self absorbed narcissist – finally got divorced 2 years ago only to bring me back to court as soon as the 2 years past so he can fight for custody of my 3 children. Throughout our divorce back in 2015 he’s been brainwashing and telling my children how bad of a mother I am and has been gone as far to tell them and show them pictures of my so called affair. Already moved on and remarried he’s still telling my kids things and has told them my new children ages 3 and 1 that they aren’t their “real” siblings. My 16 year old daughter went to visit dad and decided not to come back. She’s been gone for a year. Went for summer vacation and never returned. I get the silent treatments no replays or texts, random calls about things she needs from her room. I spent months crying myself to sleep waiting for her return. She says dads a better parent. And that I’ve made mistakes and I’m not responsible. She doesn’t like the fact that I remarried. Her father constantly played the crying victim to her. I got served with papers last week that he’s taking me back to court. I’m sure he’s trying to avoid child support.
same I am curious the outcome