Despite having had five attorneys, two mediators, three judges, and two custody battles, sometimes I get swept away by a wave of optimism. I’ll hear the story about the judge who ordered the rich deadbeat dad to sell his ancestral family home in order to pay child support, and I’ll start thinking, not only does justice get served in family court, but that justice could happen to me!
This is dangerous thinking, folks. It’s like believing the bad boyfriend who texts you six months after he vanished from your life promising that this time things would be different. It’s like giving your sobbing kid yet another quarter for that claw machine praying that this time the claw will grab the orange beanie baby. It’s like buying a lottery ticket and imagining how nice the sand would feel under your feet in the French Riviera because people actually do win the lottery, and perhaps that person could be you!
Well, yes, it could be. And it should be, perhaps. But the reality is that it probably won’t be because family law is a byzantine, broken system that serves up answers but rarely justice. Or even common sense. Below are six reasons why family law fails families and enables people who think they’re too important for rules.
1. Expecting people who can’t co-parent to co-parent.
Recently, I took a day off work to go to court-ordered mediation. The mediator told me my ex-husband and I needed to learn to co-parent. I responded that that would be great, but that not everyone can co-parent, especially those who have had a 10-year-long high-conflict divorce. She told me we needed therapy. I said we’d been to umpteen child and famiy therapists over the course of ten years, and that I was a therapist to boot, and we still were not able to co-parent. Then I asked her what she would suggest. She looked down at her desk, shuffled some papers, and replied: “therapy.”
Yeah. Go to the hardware store and come back with some milk, lady.
2. Enabling rich people not to pay child support
Because I write about being divorced from a wealthy ex who hides his money in order not to pay child support, I get contacted regularly by people in the same situation. I have heard far too many stories of real estate barons, CEOs, and high-powered executives who, through various machinations, get away with not paying child support. They remodel their McMansions and schuss down the slopes in Gstaad while their exes work two jobs to keep a roof over their kids’ heads.
In my case, my ex’s wealthy parents have enabled him to remain gainfully unemployed while owning two homes and traveling around the globe. I simply do not understand why my Ivy League educated ex isn’t forced to get, like, a job, or to liquidate a fraction of his millions in real estate equity to pay child support so I can afford a decent apartment with a bedroom for both kids. It’s an easy solution to a lousy problem. But as my attorney said, “judges don’t care about what you need. They only look at what you can get.”
Which, in my case, is nothing.
3. A “fair and equal” split that is anything but fair
It is ridiculous to insist that parents with vastly different means split children’s expenses down the middle. No parent who makes $50,000 a year should be expected to pay the same amount in school and medical expenses as a parent making $500,000 a year. The split percentage should be based on each person’s income, not this ludicrous 50-50 notion that doesn’t take into account each parent’s income.
4. Forcing a child to live with a parent who scares them
I have gotten way too many e-mails from people telling me that a judge gave joint custody to an ex with multiple restraining orders and arrrests and DUIs. Or an ex who tells the kids she’s going to kill herself if they visit their father. In my case, I have an almost 17-year-old son who’s so gaslighted by his dad that he worries he’s “psychotic” — and yet, I’m a bad mother for not traumatizing my child further by tying him up and depositing him in an hysterical heap on his dad’s doorstep. I even heard from a father whose 16-year-old daughter was sent to juvenile hall because the judge thought she shouldn’t get to decide where she wanted to live.
These kinds of travesties happen all the time in family court, a system — theoretically — designed to serve the best interests of the children. How then, do these travesties continue to happen? Read on for that answer.
5. Too many family law professionals are poorly trained, burned out, corrupt, or incompetent
Family law is the best thing that ever happened to people with personality disorders. It gives them a never-ending open forum in which to bamboozle parenting coordinators, guardian ad litems, and judges. It gives people who live to fight carte blanche to terrorize their exes and their children. As a therapist, I am flabbergasted by the ignorance of mental health professionals who can’t spot a personality disorder and understand what living with a narcissistic ex does to children. Or by the laziness of custody evaluators who pocket their fee without bothering to educate themselves on parental alienation or interview all the collaterals. Or by judges who aren’t fit to be judges. When I asked my attorney if she had the skinny on our new judge, I was told: “she’s a loose cannon who hates family law.”
And these are the people who are getting paid to protect the best interests of the children.
6. Family Law maintains an unlevel playing field
Family Law doesn’t address, or even acknowledge, power imbalances. This means that the richest, craziest, meanest people usually triumph. They triumph because the other party doesn’t have money to pay a lawyer, may not feel equipped to represent herself, or is so beaten down she just throws in the towel.
Family law does very little to enforce orders or deter litigious people from filing yet another lawsuit. It’s a mystery to me why judges can’t come up with effective consequences. Wealthy exes should have to pay 100% of the other party’s legal fees. Child support dodgers and court order evaders should not be allowed to register their cars or leave the country. These are two very simple ways to level an uneven playing field and manage down high-conflict divorce.
Finally, every person affiliated with family court should be trained in the assessment of personality disorders. Until family law professionals can regularly identify high-conflict personalities, and come up with strategies to contain these inviduals, they will continue to damage lives and ruin childhoods.
And don’t forget just plain old human nature. I wonder if a judge looks at your son and envies him his wealth and luxury lifestyle. The judge has a chance to stick it to a kid who doesn’t know how good he has it. Face it, most adults are not going to sympathize with Luca. They are secretly jealous of him. Doesn’t Luca have an older stepbrother by his stepmother? I bet that his stepbrother stays on Prince’s good side in order to keep the wealth for him and his mom flowing. Just a thought about how judges who aren’t wealthy might view Luca.
Hazel, the older stepson is like the son Prince never had. That family is all about the money. And, yes, I think most judges will see Prince as a very devoted father and Luca as a child indulged by his mother.
Yikes. That is the most straightforward, totally true article I’ve ever read on divorcing someone with NPD and money. Go to the hardware store and come back with milk. Exactly. You have to wonder how it’s even possible that these people get these jobs in the first place? I know that we’re not the only two people on the planet going through this. How is it even possible that she can think “well…you should just do it.” You should point her to this website. In fact, DivorcedMoms and the Perils of Divorced Pauline should be required reading for all people who want to specialize in divorce. It’s enlightening.
Thanks, Liv — I actually think Divorced Moms should be required reading for family law professionals. Maybe we’ll start a revolution!
Thanks, Liv — I actually think Divorced Moms should be required reading for family law professionals. Maybe we’ll start a revolution!
Pauline,
That is awesome news! I agree about being “noisy”. I have and think every mom going through this needs to write their Justice Ministers, MLS’s, Premier (in Canada – not sure if this is a Canadian site or not). I did not think about law professors though. I am going to write them this week as well as the Healthcare Mental Health board, and child services. Thank you so much!
Pauline,
That is awesome news! I agree about being “noisy”. I have and think every mom going through this needs to write their Justice Ministers, MLS’s, Premier (in Canada – not sure if this is a Canadian site or not). I did not think about law professors though. I am going to write them this week as well as the Healthcare Mental Health board, and child services. Thank you so much!
Pauline,
That is awesome news! I agree about being “noisy”. I have and think every mom going through this needs to write their Justice Ministers, MLS’s, Premier (in Canada – not sure if this is a Canadian site or not). I did not think about law professors though. I am going to write them this week as well as the Healthcare Mental Health board, and child services. Thank you so much!
This is the most acurate picture of my custody battle with “N”. Love that statement “Go the the hardware store and come back with milk.” How do we get this stuff to the Judges, Lawyers, counsellors, teachers, enforcers, etc.?
Hi Bernice — I just heard from a law professor who said she’s going to assign this article to her class, since they all have questions about the efficacy of family law. I do think we need to educate family law professionals. If people are noisy enough about family court reform, perhaps law schools and family court judges and custody evaluators will be trained in strategic ways to manage high-conflict divorce. The problem is: less money for the lawyers.
Pauline,
That is awesome news! I agree about being “noisy”. I have and think every mom going through this needs to write their Justice Ministers, MLS’s, Premier (in Canada – not sure if this is a Canadian site or not). I did not think about law professors though. I am going to write them this week as well as the Healthcare Mental Health board, and child services. Thank you so much!
This happens ALL the time – I want to go to every high school girl and warn them “WHO YOU HAVE CHILDREN WITH IS THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION YOU WILL EVER MAKE!” It will effect you and the children you will love more than anything in the world more than you can ever imagine. Why are we not taught how to choose more wisely, it is so sad. Every girl should read this site BEFORE she has children. I wish I had.
Sigh. As accurate and right-on-the-nose as this article is, it’s extremely disheartening and depressing. (No discredit to the author, I’m sure you all know what I’m feeling in this exact moment.) I agree Claudia, I just want to grab ahold of teenagers by the shoulders and tell them to THINK THINK THINK about who they have children with. It will affect your life more than any other decision you make, EVER.
I am completely in agreement about the imperfect system of family law. Especially when it comes to known abusers with records still getting unsupervised access to their children–and also dodging child support to boot.
I was luckier than some, because I had an attorney who understood the dynamics of abuse, but attorneys practicing family law who have that level of understanding and training are few and far between. It’s like going to get eye surgery from a foot doctor, of course you’ll have a high chance of going blind. 🙁
OMG…every word. So true. I never realized how little freedom you have after divorcing a narcissist. It’s almost like the system helps them keep you in the same cage you fought so hard to get out of.
Ha ha most of the so called professionals have personality disorders!!!
As a participant in a high-conflict 5 year ligitated divorce AND am a CPA as a Forensic accountant (new career change during my divorce) I was clearly dragged through hell and back. I have alot of comments and responses to your article. I fought for what was right and can relate to much of your article and there is a cost to all involved. My experience both personally and professionally enables me to manage my clients and give them a better understanding. I’ve lived through and have seen it all. I completely agree that the family law professionals need to be educated to deal with high-conflict cases where co-parenting isn’t possible. At the same time, the parents need to be educated to handle and be given tools and suggestions how to handle circumstances that only those who experience it first have, can empathize and relate. I am currently preparing for a speaking engagement to address the issues of high conflict at a SoCal Bar association venue. A first step to educate.
I am an attorney that does a fair amount of family law. There is a lot wrong with this article and also the comments. I could do a six point article about it but I’ll just give one example: so, so very often we have divorces where both parties are claiming its objectively wrong for the children to be around the other parent and (almost) always they’re both wrong. Sometimes they’re right but where exactly are we, as professionals, to draw that line?
Ben, I would think that, that is your job as a divorce attorney…knowing where to draw the line. Most attorneys I know view divorce as nothing but a business transaction but it isn’t and the emotions involved can’t be ignored. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with this article or the comments. What is wrong is some attorneys unwillingness to see divorce for what it truly is and put the effort into the process needed to protect a client.
Another example: you, the parent, apparently did not know this person well enough before having children with them to know how awful they would be. How can we, in the limited time we spend with these people, be expected to understand?
Ben, how can you know, in the limited time you spend with people? You are in a better position of knowing than we were when we married what we thought were good people. You are seeing what we didn’t see for years…the absolute worst of that person. Being in your position gives you the advantage we didn’t have. Here is a suggestion for you. Next time you have a family law client who shares with you the abhorrent behavior of a spouse, don’t be too quick to dismiss their complaints and make it your business as an attorney to make sure your client and the children from the marriage are protected. Regardless of whether that client is a woman or a man.
This article is on-point with everything I’ve been through this far. The divorce lawyer who commented below obviously has never had the privilege of being in our position. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
in 2000, when I wanted out of my nightmare marriage full of verbal, emotional, financial, and sexual abuse lasting 28 yrs, I had no money because my wealthy husband had every account in his name, and I could not know how much money he had. I was for years forced to sign tax returns without seeing them. All I knew was that he said he hadn’t hidden money in the Cayman Islands. His saying that disturbed me but I felt helpless to uncover the truth. He had contacts within organized crime, and had threatened me during the marriage.I had learned to be dependent on him, and suffered from Stockholm Syndrome, and I was later dignosed withPTSD. I had no money for a lawyer, and settled for mediation. I was led by a man I did not know into accept alimony for only 8 yrs despite my having not worked since 1973 because my husband did not want me working. I was 52 years old and was mentally ill. The woman at the mediation knew that I was sick, but allowed the travesty to go one. Not long after I was found to be mentally disabled. The IRA I received was still held with my husband’s broker who lost most of it, and when my ex cut of alimony in 2008, I was unable to live on what was left and the IRS took most of what was left. I ended up on early Social Security at poverty level, and Medicaid because of my mental condition. My ex remarried to a wealthy woman, and lives in a country club. I live in poverty, because no one protected me from the fraud in the mediation.
Wow, you’re right on spot! I’m am so tired of losing to a lying narcissist! Even if the truth is in numbers right in front of them, I don’t even think they look at it. My daughter is the one who’s suffering and can’t understand why I can’t fix it! So heartbreaking! Twice it’s cost over $30,00 and I’ve gotten no where
Wow….this article is perfect…esp. when it comes to expecting 50/50….my ex and I decided I would put my career on hold so he could have his military career while living overseas…he then decides to run off with the woman he was having an affair with…so I am trying to get back into the career field after 13 years and even with a BA and military experience the job market is hard and I make less then 20K a year working…my ex and his mistress are bringing in over 120K a year and yet he has fought child support and pays pennies. Splitting 50/50 medical is hard esp. since I have to pay for everything up front while he has 60 days to reimburse me. Its just very wrong.
The article on “6 Ways Family Law Makes a Bad Divorce Even Worse” on the Divorced Moms website sheds light on the difficulties and challenges that many individuals face when dealing with family law during a divorce. The author provides a comprehensive overview of some of the key issues and stresses that arise when navigating the legal system in the midst of a divorce, such as the financial and emotional tolls, the complexities of child custody and support, and the challenges of dealing with uncooperative ex-spouses.
The article highlights the importance of seeking out knowledgeable and experienced legal counsel in order to navigate these challenges and minimize the negative impacts of the divorce process. Overall, the article serves as a useful reminder of the many ways that family law can complicate an already difficult situation and the importance of seeking out support and guidance to minimize the fallout.