There is no set schedule when it comes to getting back in the sexual saddle after divorce, and taking your time is something you should never apologize for. You will get back on the horse one day, and it will be a good thing.
If you’re newly divorced, chances are it’s been a while since you had your socks rocked, as your parents use to say. Sex is a vital part of rediscovering who you are and can be a reminder that there is fun to be had.
Before you jump into bed though here are 10 questions you need to ask yourself and your potential partner.
1. Are you prepared?
Just like your mama always told you, you cannot rely on the other guy to have the necessary precautions. So buck up and make a visit to your local drugstore and stock up on supplies. This means condoms, yes, but don’t forget to think about things like lubricant or other aides that can help things go smoother.
2. Have you been tested?
Bet you haven’t had to think about STDs in a while. The reality is they are still out there, so do yourself, and your future bedmate a favor and make an appointment to get tested. And know that even if you do test positive it does not mean the end of your sex life. Have a frank talk with your doctor about what do, and how to prevent anything. It may seem obvious, but you might be surprised to learn some new facts.
3. Has he been tested?
No one likes to ask this question, especially if it’s in the heat of the moment. So don’t wait and ask ahead of time. If it makes it easier you can do this via phone call or text. It’s just as uncomfortable for him as well, but both of you will be glad you had the discussion ahead of time, and are prepared.
4. What do I like?
Thanks to the amazing world of online porn and the popularity of books and movies such as “Fifty Shades of Grey” it’s much more common to talk about what you’re into ahead of time. This is a good thing, as it means there won’t be any surprises in the heat of the moment. Don’t be afraid to say what you are into, whether it’s hair-pulling or something rougher, and also what you draw the line at.
5. Where am I most comfortable?
This means literally locations you are willing to do the deed. His place, your place…his bedroom, your bedroom…when the kids are in school or at their dad’s…a hotel room…sounds silly but thinking about this ahead of time will allow you to realize that while you may have been comfortable with a quickie on the sofa with your ex while the kids played in their rooms upstairs, it might take a while to reach that level of comfort with a new partner.
6. What do I regret?
Think about the last few years of your previous sex life. What did you regret most? Trying out a particular fetish? Never indulging in a certain fantasy? This will be your chance to either never do that again, or finally, find out what it feels like.
7. What should I wear?
More than likely this will matter more to you than your guy, but we women know the right outfit can boost our confidence in ways nothing else can do. So take the time to find the perfect bra or panties, indulge in that certain scent and know that even if the guy never sees it, you will, and making yourself feel good matters.
8. Am I rushing it?
It’s tempting to take advantage of the chemistry you might feel with your new guy. But don’t rush it. And don’t feel pressured to have sex in order to maintain a relationship or connection. The reality is you will have that physical connection with a thousand guys, so don’t rush into bed without making sure it’s what you really want. Women tend to place more of an emotional connection on sex, so remember that.
9. Am I comparing?
Do yourself a favor and do not compare one sexual partner to another one. They will never be the same. And comparing them, especially while in the middle of the actual deed, will be distracting and rob you of some of the pleasure you have so deserved. Just like no two children are the same, neither are sexual partners. Which means you may find yourself liking one technique or position more with one partner than the other. It does take two to tango, so don’t start comparing and looking for trouble.
10. Is this what I really want?
Peer pressure is real and doesn’t stop when you leave high school. Don’t let yourself feel pressured by your partner, your friends, society, what you see on a tv screen or read in a book, or more importantly your own anxieties. There is no set schedule when it comes to getting back in the saddle, and taking your time is something you should never apologize for. You will get back on the horse one day, and it will be a good thing. Just remember to ask yourself (and your partner) the other nine questions and you will end up having a good time no matter what.
[…] people run right out for the first warm body upon divorce and others run away from the idea of sex. But even the most eager of “beavers” so […]