If you’ve ever wondered why the mere mention of your ex’s name still drives you crazy, it’s because you haven’t emotionally healed from your divorce yet!
Many divorced moms are under the impression that if enough time passes after their divorce they would eventually get over their ex and naturally want to move on. Unfortunately, this could not be further from the truth! If you haven’t invested the time or energy into healing your stressful or painful emotional triggers from your divorce, then you might find yourself stuck in dead-end conversations, always reacting negatively towards your ex and unable to move on to a better life.
Here are 10 ways to tell if you have NOT healed from your divorce…
Do you feel negatively triggered ie. angry, resentful, or jealous when you hear your ex’s name? If you’re having a hard time carrying on a conversation without having the desire to drag your ex in the mud every chance you get, then that’s an obvious sign that you’re still emotionally charged by him and have not healed your heart.
2. Do you feel stressed, anxious or afraid when you have to see or talk to your ex? If you lose energy to any experience that causes you stress, fear or anxiety whenever you communicate with your ex, then that’s another sign that you need to restore your self-confidence and heal your emotions.
3. Do you find yourself addicted to the divorce drama; unable to stop talking about it? Ironically, you would think people would stop talking about the things that cause them pain. However, emotionally-wounded divorced moms often become addicted to their stressful experiences as a way of getting energetic sympathy from other people.
4. Do you believe your ex is completely responsible for the breakdown of your marriage? Often the emotionally-wounded spouse who is on the receiving end of the divorce will position themselves in a place of denial as a way of coping with the shock and stress of divorce. This becomes their emotional “safe place” by believing their ex is the one completely responsible for the breakdown of the marriage in order to avoid taking any responsibility for their part in the failed marriage.
5. Are you comfortable in denial and not willing to speak about your marriage problems? Stepping out of denial would mean having to face the truth about the imperfections of your marriage. It’s also a means of avoiding any responsibility for the “red flags” you may have noticed during the marriage but turned a blind eye to instead of addressing the issues. So, if you’re purposely staying in denial to avoid any shame or guilt you feel now for neglecting to address your relationship problems when you had the chance, then you still need to emotionally heal so you can forgive yourself.
6. Do you feel anxious about a future without your ex’s support – financial or otherwise? It’s not unusual to develop a “co-dependent” relationship with your spouse during marriage. Many couples tend to fall into roles that predict certain behavior; ie, women managing the home and children and the man managing the finances and repairs. As archaic as that may seem in today’s liberated society, this choice of role-playing is still common in many marriages. If this was your marriage situation, you might feel apprehensive now as a divorced mom having to contend with the responsibilities that were once your spouse’s. Especially, if you have a fear of being an independent divorced single mom.
7. Do you take every opportunity to say negative things about your ex to others, particularly your children? As the saying goes, “wounded people wound other people”. If you catch yourself slandering your ex every opportunity to get or enjoy spending unnecessary time in court creating smear campaigns about your ex, then it’s obvious that your time needs to be redirected towards self-healing instead. Nothing good will result in trashing your ex, especially your children. In fact, you only run the risk of having all that negative energy backfire on you one day. So please avoid that temptation and focus on improving your emotional health instead!
8. Have you developed a mistrust or hatred towards men as a result of your divorce? It’s not uncommon to negatively target all men for the pain and suffering you endured as a result of your divorce. Psychologists call this, “displacement”. Displacement is a psychological defense mechanism where a person redirects their negative emotions from their original source (your ex) towards a less threatening recipient (other men).
9. Do you feel justified in saying you’re the “victim” of your divorce? Positioning yourself as the victim in the divorce is a common strategy for the partner who never initiated the divorce. Playing the role of the victim, especially for an unreasonable amount of time after the divorce, is fear and an obvious indication that you haven’t emotionally healed from your divorce yet. Ways to identify if you’re stuck in the role of the victim are an unwillingness to move on or start a new relationship, or spending time finding ways to continuously punish, control, guilt, or hurt your ex.
You have not or will not forgive your ex, or others that contributed to your divorce. Remember, forgiveness is for your benefit, not your ex’s! The ability to forgive someone who hurt you requires emotional intelligence, confidence, and emotional strength. These qualities can only be obtained through positive energy and a willingness to relinquish the power you have over another person who you believe has “wronged” you. If you’re holding onto the unforgiveness card as a way of empowering yourself whenever you experience pain or disappointment from your ex, then this is a clear indication that you’re not emotionally ready to forgive and need to emotionally heal yourself.
So, if you find yourself identifying with even one of these 10 scenarios, then
*MY COACHING RECOMMENDATION to you is…
“To start believing that you deserve to be happy and re-direct your time and energy to improving your emotional health instead of self-sabotaging!
14 years on from when the ex walked out (seven years post divorce), I can relate to a couple of the points above However, I don’t agree with forgiveness NOT being for the benefit of your ex – it IS for their benefit, in my view. It’s there to make them feel better, for them to realise that they are forgiven and that that forgiveness absolves them. I am sure it helps many who have been wronged to move on with forgiveness but not me. I live my life well enough now, but the hurt goes too deep for me to consider forgiveness – he took everything away from me. It is far easier for me to ‘let it lie’, than to bring myself to forgive, as bad or as unhelpful to me as that sounds.
Rita Roberts says
Hi Sasha! Thank you for sharing your honest feelings. I completely understand why you feel that forgiveness is for the other person. Many people believe that as well.
So did I until I got truly got happy and no longer cared what he thought or did anymore. There’s a personal freedom that I can’t explain when you finally choose to release him and your past! Otherwise, you just stay emotionally stuck as “his victim”. As an energy healer, I can tell you that every single negative thought, word, action we do costs us our valuable energy. Every time you think, talk or interact with your ex, you continue to feed him YOUR energy! Sasha, I can tell there are still some painful memories for you that run deep but remember this truth about your energy each time you feel tempted to give more of your energy to him by not forgiving him and letting him go. Because the very best “revenge” you can inflict on a hurtful ex, or any other energy vampire, is to become a strong, empowered divorced mom who has become the very best possible version of herself and has happily moved on with her life! Energy vampires hate that….!