When it comes to custody, the Internet is full of half-truths and muddy information. Google the word “shared custody” and you will find some articles stating that it means joint custody and equal parenting time and other articles stating it means equal parenting time, but not joint custody, and still others that claim it means joint custody but not necessarily equal parenting time!
What Shared Custody Really Is
There are two aspects to custody: legal custody (which is your right to make important parenting decisions regarding your kids) and physical or residential custody (which where your child lives and spends his/her time.) “Shared” custody typically refers to physical custody: it means that two parents share approximately equal time with their child. Put another way, it means that a child spends roughly equal amounts of time living with each parent.
Is Shared Custody in Your Child’s Best Interest?
Like every good lawyer, I will tell you that the answer to that question is: it depends. It depends upon how old your child is, what your child’s temperament is, and how far you and your ex live from each other. In general, traditional wisdom states that the younger your child is, the less emotionally secure your child is and the farther you and your ex live from each other, the harder shared custody will be on your child.
Here are 5 reasons shared custody might not be in your child’s best interest.
1. Young Children Are Not Ping Pong Balls.
Bouncing from one home to another can be extremely disruptive, especially for very small kids. Infants, toddlers, and even young children, who shuffle back and forth between their parents’ houses often have no real sense of “home.” They often have difficulty adjusting to shared custody, and may feel like they have “Mom’s house,” and “Dad’s house,” but no home of their own.
2. Having Two “Homes” Places Added Stress on Kids.
It forces them to keep track of everything they own all the time. Trust me, that never happens. Inevitably, your kids are going to leave their favorite shirt, or their soccer shoes, or their homework at their other parent’s house when they want or need it. Unless you have enough money to buy your kids two sets of everything, you better be prepared to make a lot of last minute runs to your ex’s house to pick up what your kids forgot.
3. Unless You and Your Ex Live Very Close to Each Other, Your Children are Going to Spend a Lot of Time in the Car.
Commuting is not fun for anyone. Its even less fun when you are a child and have absolutely no voice in the matter. Having to constantly travel back and forth between two homes (especially if you are doing it every couple of days) wastes an enormous amount of time and energy.
4. If 50/50 Parenting Time Just Means Your Kid Spends More Time in Day Care and Less Time With a Parent, That Doesn’t Make Sense.
If one parent has a crazy work schedule, but wants equal parenting time, what really happens is that the kids end up spending a good portion of their scheduled “parenting time” in daycare, after school care or with babysitters, rather than with their other parent. Having “shared custody” in this situation is clearly not about trying to do what is best for the kids. Shared custody only works if both parents actually spend their parenting time with their kids.
5. If Parents Don’t Get Along, Shared Custody is a Nightmare.
Studies have repeatedly shown that the one thing that damages children the most is conflict. If you and your ex are constantly fighting, and can not agree on anything, then trying to equally share parenting time, decisions, and responsibilities is going to do nothing more than throw everyone into never-ending battle. It will be exhausting, stressful, and destructive.
Is Shared Custody a Bad Idea?
Again, the answer to this question is: it depends! Study after study shows that children do best when both parents are involved in their lives. Studies also show that the amount of time children spend with a parent affects the quality of the child’s relationship with that parent. So, even though spending equal time with each parent may be stressful, difficult, and expensive, if it means that your child will have a deeper bond with both parents, and will be happier, more well-adjusted, and more successful in life in the long run, then sharing custody makes all the sense in the world.
But, there is one HUGE problem with this entire discussion.
The Truth About Shared Custody
“Custody,” whether you’re talking about shared custody, joint custody, sole custody, physical custody or anything else, is more of a discussion about the PARENTS than it is about the CHILDREN.
What is in the best interest of your children? Here is the truth: I don’t know! And neither does your lawyer, or the judge, or your friendly state legislator! Oh, we all probably have an opinion about it. But who is to say that our opinion is right?
If you want to know the truth about shared custody, the one single truth that I know for sure, it is this: Every case is different. Every child is different. Every family is different. Shared parenting time may allow one child to flourish and cause another child to flounder. Armed with the best intentions, and the latest research, the “officials” involved in your divorce case may end up doing things that are not even close to being in your children’s best interest.
What’s the best solution? Make the decision yourself. Listen to your children. Focus on your children. Put your own ego aside. Talk to your ex. (Yes, I understand that this one is hard. But doing the hard things is what being a good parent is really about!) Be willing to make mistakes, and then to do things differently. Maybe shared custody will work great for your kids. Maybe it won’t. Maybe it won’t work now, but may work when your kids get older. Who knows? The truth is, you probably won’t know either until you try.
For more divorce advice and information from Karen Covy go to http://karencovy.com.
FAQs about Shared Custody:
What is shared custody?
Shared custody relates to physical custody of the children and often means roughly equal time for each parent. There are two kinds of custody: legal custody, which grants parents the right to make parenting decisions regarding children; and shared custody or physical custody, which determines where your child lives and how he spends his time.
Is shared custody in your child’s best interest?
How shared custody works out for your child depends on his age, temperament, and the distance between you and your ex’s residences. Younger children are emotionally vulnerable and will have a hard time adjusting to shared custody when you and your ex live far from each other.
Is shared custody difficult for little kids?
Children often have a hard time developing a sense of home when they shuttle between their parents’ residences. It’s emotionally unsettling for children when they can’t identify their own home while visiting their mom’s house and dad’s house.
Is it easy to manage children in shared custody?
It’s easier said than done when you try to manage children in shared custody. Unless you have two sets of everything for your children, you would be shuttling between your and your ex’s house to pick up what your children forgot. The homework for school, a pair of favorite shoes or jeans—the stuff your children need at all times—can’t be left at the other parent’s house. Like it or not, it’s a time consuming exercise for everyone involved.
What happens if my ex doesn’t have time for shared custody?
It’s important for parents to spend their allocated parenting time with children when they have shared custody. If one parent has fought for equal time to satisfy his or her ego despite having a busy schedule, the children would have to spend their time at daycare or babysitters.
Will shared custody work if I have conflict with my ex?
You will end up damaging your children if you opt for shared custody knowing you have serious conflict with your ex. Conflict means your children would feel stranded when you litigate every other issue. It’s a recipe for disaster, stress and exhaustion for you and the children.
Does shared custody benefit children?
Shared custody does benefit children as indicated in several studies that children need both their parents for better upbringing, especially after divorce. The longer a child spends time with a parent, the better becomes his or her bond with that parent. Children will have better care, better skills and peace of mind when both parents spend equal parenting time irrespective of the cost and challenges involved.
I went through this argument with my exwife. I couldn’t imagine a future where we didn’t coparent as equals. She was confident that those arguments were valid because she was sure that she’d be the custodial parent. I saw her position as eliminating me as a parent. I’d get to keep my dad title, but you can’t parent twice a month. It’s a tough sell in a state where 50/50 parenting time and joint legal custody is almost automatic. She was confident that the parent with significantly less parenting time and rights wouldn’t be marginalized or eliminated, but didn’t believe in it strongly enough to voluntarily be that parent. I asked her what would I have to do to make her comfortable enough to be the non-custodial parent. She had no answer. In the end, she got what she asked for, but not what she wanted. I was awarded primary custody and she has the kids every other weekend.
I can tell you that she no longer thinks the plan is a good one and is mad that I won’t transition to 50/50 parenting time that I orignially offered. I would, but I don’t trust that it’s not a ploy to eventually reverse custody. I never say no to her request to do something with the kids, but that’s never enough for her. She’s angry and feels wronged (there are huge societal pressures on non-custodial moms) and gets hurt at every turn and subsequently lashes out. I guess a custody plan on it’s own won’t end conflict. It really bothers her when the kid call coming back to my palce going home. Wasn’t that her original point? The kids feel like they have a home.
Raiel,
I am so glad that your kids are doing well. Now is when you actually have the toughest job ahead of you, which is REALLY putting your children first, especially when you are not sure whether your ex will do the same. I would love to tell you that her requests to spend more time with the kids are really about the kids, and are not a ploy to reverse custody, but I have no idea what her motives are. Maybe they are altruistic. Maybe not. Or maybe, they are mixed. Time will tell.
What I do know is that you are right: there is a HUGE stigma about being a non-custodial mom. She has to be in a tremendous amount of pain. You need to be sensitive to that.
The best thing you can do for your kids is to help and encourage them to have a good relationship with both of you. Never speak badly to the kids about their mom. Encourage them to spend time with their mom, and do your best to get along with her for the good of the kids. You will never change her, or how she feels. But, hopefully, in time, if you treat her with sensitivity and respect, she will become less angry. If that happens, I’ll bet that your parenting schedule will naturally evolve into something more equal, especially as your kids get older. If not, it may stay like it is. Whatever happens, what is important is that both of you stay active and involved with your kids, and that you work together as parents to do what is best for them.
Karen,
I’m doing my best. The kids are doing well, especially now that things have settled down.
For now, I say yes to all requests for time and no to almost all extra overnights. I’m hoping that eventually I’ll be able to trust her motivations and add more overnights. The kids have unrestricted access to their mom as well. Her apartment is only a mile away and they have iPhones and Laptops with Skype. I never speak badly about her and haven’t share any adult details. I made a decision early on not to share a lot of it with my family. The only people who know she was having an affair with her married coworker are the coworker, me, her, the custody evaluator (only because she brought it up) and our lawyers. People like to talk and once you the Genie out of the bottle, it’s hard to put her back in. Besides, I live in a no fault state and while it was a pathetic move, it really was a symptom not a cause. If she had come to me for a divorce before the affair, would have rattled around in therapy for a while, but the end state would have been the same.
Thanks for you Blog. Lots of interesting insight to be found and pondered.
This is interesting. I recently ran into a similar issue. My ex and I managed to get along for the better part of a year…until he met his current girlfriend. All of a sudden, we needed to be more divorced and shouldn’t be talking. He also decided we should split custody 50/50, even though we’ve never split childcare responsibilities 50/50. I’m currently in the middle of a battle where he’s throwing around a lot of accusations. I am prepared though, I have journals, calendars, and I have kept every text message from every device since 2014.
My advice to anyone considering divorce, or at any point in the process, prepare yourself for the inevitable. Keep everything because it WILL come in handy later. They can’t explain away text messages or emails. You can’t be accused of things you didn’t do if you have proof you didn’t do them. You can also prove anything they try to dismiss. I cannot stress enough how important it is to keep track, even when things are going well. Keep detailed logs. Keep things in writing so you have documentation which can save you a lot of heartache.
All of that said, it’s impossible to stay completely calm through these events. I wish I had some advice on how to stay calm and confident. That is something I haven’t yet figured out.
I’m wondering if the author has had continued success with her ex. My ex agreed to a similar situation and I felt guilty, assuming he would continue to be cordial with me. When he met his girlfriend, his attitude changed and he no longer wanted to work with me. He has not supported our children financially outside of whatever happens in his home.
I would caution anyone to trust someone when they had an unhealthy relationship to begin with. I would encourage women who are considering a similar situation to protect themselves and their financial situation by including provisions which enforce support and that they not be afraid to file contemp charges in the event their ex decides he doesn’t want to be financially responsible for his children.
Unfortunately you have a good point. If you and your ex don’t see eye to eye on parenting issues now, and you are always fighting, don’t think that when you are trying to share parenting after your divorce, life is suddenly going to be all rainbows and kittens. It’s not.
Even if you have a decent relationship with your ex after your divorce, that, too can change after he becomes involved with someone new.
No matter what, though, your ex has a responsibility to his kids. Unless he has lost his job, been hit by a bus, or suffered from some other unforeseen calamity that prevents him from earning a living, he is bound to pay the child support he was ordered to pay. If he doesn’t you are well within your rights to take him back to court.
Of course, doing that will likely affect your parenting relationship with him. But, if he no longer wants to work with you anyway, it sounds like your relationship is already suffering.
My ex has not paid court ordered child support since the day we left court 3 years ago. I’m just afraid to call it back to court bc it will make things so nasty between us & I absolutely hate how hard/sad/expensive the court experience is. He knows this though & I feel like an a-hole bc it’s not fair.
The court experience is hard/sad/expensive. Unfortunately, you can’t change that. But, that’s why staying out of court makes so much more sense. At the same time, beating yourself up for not going back to court doesn’t help. At some point, you may decide that going back to court will be worth it. Until then, focus on your kids, and appreciate yourself for being strong enough to get through this!
I did all of this. Save yourself the, well some, heartache. I spent a lot of $ on “the best” attorney that I should have been just saved for college fund. I’m not saying don’t get one, just be aware that the 50/50 thing is what judges are pushing for even if that was not at all what your babies/kids were living. If you are unfamiliar, as I was, I recommend looking online or even better going to a few court cases (in AZ anyone could just observe but idk) bf you do anything. I SO wish I would have. Because it was insane, absolutely insane to me. And I hear it all the time now. Even if there is physical/substance abuse. Most likely they will just have to get some counseling. Good luck. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It sucks.
I’m in AZ with a situation coming up that sounds similar to yours. Would you be able to give me any more information somehow, as I am preparing to get legal counsel?
You make some good points. And you’re right. It does suck. Things don’t always work out badly, but sometimes they do. That’s why staying out of court and settling amicably with your ex usually makes the most sense. At the same time, not everyone can do that. Sometimes settling anything with your ex is impossible. So you just do the best you can.
I’ve listened to many children express their views about bopping back and forth from one household to another. I’ve seen that two people who no longer want to live together, parent together or share together often times forget that it’s not about them in divorce it’s about continuing to care for and raise the children they made together. Their children see the bickering, loss of self control and arguing going on between their parents before the divorce and then, see it in the halls at the courthouse, at drop off and pick up and those children only want healthy, constructive attention from their parents and not to feel like the cause of all the problems between the parents. I support mandatory child psychology classes for all parents prior to finalization of divorce. Isupport having them take tests to show the court that they understand, at least with a passing grade, the psychology of a child and how divorce affects them at a particular age. Knowing how children will perceive what’s going on is necessary. Children are excellent observers of situations but lack the skills to interpret why. Most parents fit in to the same category. Food for thought.
IM CURRENTLY GOING THROUGH A CUSTODY BATTLE WITH MY EX PARTNER. OUR SON IS BARELY ONE. HE CURRENTLY SEES OUR SON TWICE A WEEK AND EVERY OTHER WEEKEND NO OVERNIGHTS YET. HE WILL SOON HAVE OVERNIGHTS OVER THE WEEKEND. HES TRYING TO REACH 50/50. HES BEST INTEREST ISNT OUR SON, ITS MORE ON HIM HAVING TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT. HE REFUSES TO COMMUNICATE IN ANY WAY REGARDING OUR SON. IM NOT SURE WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO GO ABOUT IT, TRYING TO AVOID HIS REQUEST FOR 50/50 AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE.
i understand where you’re coming from completely. A child’s needs change dramatically over time. What is good for a one year old child is not the same as what is good when a child is 3 or 5 or 10. The problem is that when your baby’s father won’t communicate at all with you about your child, that makes everything doubly hard. I would suggest three things. One: talk to a good family lawyer in your area and see what your options are. Two: see if you can get your ex to go to counseling with you so that you can find a way to communicate about your son. (NOTE: The purpose of the counseling is ONLY to establish a way for the two of you to co-parent effectively together for the benefit of your son. It is NOT to rebuild the relationship. If your ex knows that, it might be easier to get him to go.) 3. Start using one of the parenting apps like Our Family Wizard or Co-Parently. There are a bunch of them. They are designed to make communication between parents easier. If your ex won’t go to counseling, won’t use a parenting app and won’t communicate with you about your son, ask your lawyer if that can be used against him in your custody battle. Remember, the focus of all of this should be on doing what’s best for your son. Hope this helps!
This is a terrible article. Children have two parents and have the right to equal time with both. Theyre is so much evidence to support how equal time with both parents is so much healthier than unequal time. Having unequal time completely encourages fighting between the parents because all too often child support is involved. The children are used as bargaining chips for money. Take that factor out and there is very little left to argue about. Just read the studies on equal time. Read the studies on the uptick in suicide, school dropouts, and depression in children without equal access to both parents. Working about car rides and daycare are terrible arguments when steering emotional bonds with both parents are sacrificed for money and power (the child lives w me most of the time and so I make the rules and I’ll take your money thank you very much).
I’m in favor of 50/50 parenting time after divorce if it is in the child’s best interest. As the article stated every situation is different, every child is different. I had one child who would have flourished in a shared custody situation and one that would have had severe problems. Their father wanted nothing to do with sharing custody so it was a moot point. I’m not in favor of presumptive 50/50 custody which is what I believe you are arguing for. Custody isn’t about the parents it’s about the child and it’s our responsibility to make decisions that benefit each child and not make rules that could be detrimental to some children. The fact that you brought up the subject of money causes me to think that is what it boils down to for you. The issue isn’t about money and power, it’s about loving our children and doing what’s best for them. Any parents who is concerned with that isn’t going to think twice about the money.
Multiple studies show that shared parenting yields better outcomes for children; even when there is high conflict between the parents. A child needs the influence of a father and mother for proper development. In addition, several studies show that when young children maintain a consistent schedule living in two homes, they thrive. Consistency is the key.
2 homes is fun
Parents help pack
Less than a mile away
Both work full time
There’s less conflict
Medical Profession informs Judicial System that Present Day Child Custody Laws are actually “Child Abuse”!
Please see the following:
“” I (Craig Childress, Psy.D.) was court-ordered to conduct an assessment surrounding family conflict. I traveled to conduct the assessment, nine hours over two days, with various members of the family.
I want to share with you the opening paragraphs where I describe the scope of the assessment. Assessment reports always start with describing the scope, the referral question to be answered.
This scope of the assessment was a little different. The court order was that I conduct both a 730 child custody evaluation and a clinical psychology assessment to develop a treatment plan, those are two separate things.
I want to share with you my response. I want to make absolutely clear my position – I’m not interested in child custody, I’m treatment.
Here is word-for-word cut-and-paste regarding the scope of the assessment.
——————–
Dr. Childress was court-ordered to conduct both a 730 custody evaluation and a clinical psychology assessment of the family to develop a treatment plan for resolving the family conflict. These are two different types of assessment to differing referral questions.
I must decline the 730 custody evaluation component of the order in compliance with Standard 3.04 of the ethics code of the American Psychological Association for Avoiding Harm. To restrict either parent’s time and involvement with their child for any reason other than child abuse would harm that parent, would harm the parent-child relationship, and would harm the child, and would therefore violate Standard 3.04 of the APA ethics code for Avoiding Harm.
The only allowable recommendation for child custody consistent with Standard 3.04 is that, in the absence of child abuse, each parent should have as much time and involvement with the child as possible. In the absence of child abuse, parents have the right to parent according to their cultural values, their personal values, and their religious values, and clinical psychology does not infringe on those fundamental rights.
Furthermore, compliance with Standard 3.04 to avoid harming anyone can also be achieved from a treatment oriented approach that provides a plan to restore healthy family relationships within the family and that resolves the family conflict that surrounds the children’s visitation and bonding with their mother, father, and extended relationships to the broader family. The scope and focus of the assessment and this report will be toward a treatment plan that restores healthy family relationships, with the custody recommendation that each parent should have as much time and involvement with their children as possible.
Any additional custody and visitation decisions go beyond the scope of this assessment and treatment plan, and this report will restrict itself to developing a treatment plan to resolve the current family conflict. Any additional custody visitation schedule questions will need to be addressed separately. From a treatment-oriented perspective, it is recommended that custody visitation be addressed in collaborative dialogue and negotiation between the parents with the family therapist (who will be recommended in the treatment plan), with the goal of reaching out-of-court-agreements.
_______________
Craig Childress, Psy.D.”