You need a long-term strategy for managing divorce stress that doesn’t involve alcohol.
I wish I could say that I had one of those divorces where we both agreed that we were better off apart and where we worked together to create a new version of our relationship, but I didn’t. And as I crawled through it, I learned (sometimes I learned in the hardest way possible). But oh how I wish I’d known what I learned along the way before I even filed for divorce.
And if you now find yourself in the same overwhelming place, know this, it won’t always feel this way. Yes, ending a marriage is messy and, yes, it is hard. Growth and change usually are. Now that I’m on the other side, though, here is what I would say to that woman I was on the day I gathered all of my courage, poured myself a drink and asked my husband to leave.
5 Things I Learned After I Filed For Divorce.
1. Imagine how difficult this will be. It is going to be 100 times tougher. Do it anyway
When I filed for divorce, I naively thought the hardest part was over. What could be worse than the last few years of my marriage? I was surrounded by anger and I felt like I was on my own with my children most of the time anyway. I truly thought my husband and I would spend some time talking about finances, setting up a schedule for our children and that would be it.
Instead, I ended up with a high-conflict divorce that dragged on for about two years from the day I asked for a divorce until the day we signed the papers. And my story is not unusual. As I began to talk about divorce with others who had gone through it, I learned that for most people it is a complicated, difficult and emotionally draining process.
I’m not sure anyone can truly be prepared for the experience of having someone who was supposed to be your partner in life turn out to be the person who wants to hurt you most, but if you are getting divorced you need to at least consider that this may happen.
Hurt changes people. Hurt makes people lash out in unimaginable ways. Expect this. Do your best to protect yourself, and forgive him or her for it (if not for your sake, then for your children’s). But don’t let this scare you.
If you have taken the time to think your decision through and know it is right, then you have to keep going. And one day when this is over, you will look back and see past the difficulty. You will see the value of this experience. As hard as my divorce was, it was the right decision. Don’t let fear stand in the way of the life you’re meant to create.
2. Wine is not a coping strategy.
Moms and wine go together like… well, moms and wine. This message is everywhere. It’s on shirts, social media and in magazines. It has become completely acceptable in our society to drown our stress in “Mommy Juice”. But going through a divorce is not the same as a rough day of wrangling kids at the park. You need a long-term strategy for managing stress that doesn’t involve alcohol.
When I was married, my drinking consisted of a few glass of wine on an occasional Friday night, at weddings, and on holidays. As my marriage deteriorated and in the early days of my divorce, it was easy to pour a drink at the end of a hard day and relax for a little while.
It was the only time that the knot in my stomach, the anxiety that ran through my body, would disappear. But it only made me more tired and irritable the next day and that didn’t help.
So what did help?
For me, it was about establishing a routine of self-care. In the mornings, I tried my best to wake up before my kids, pour a cup of coffee and replace social media with 15 minutes of reading, followed by a few minutes of thinking about what I was grateful for. Then, every night, no matter how tired I was, I would fill my tub, climb in with a cup of tea and listen to audiobooks like Gabrielle Bernstein’s “The Universe Has Your Back”. I soaked and I breathed and I listened.
This was new for me. I hadn’t been much of a bath or tea person before, but I was desperate for a new approach. And I realized that I began to feel better. I added in running when I could and noticed that on these runs, I could worry in a productive way and felt lighter by the end. Running, baths, and gratitude may not be for you, but it’s important to find something that is, whether that be yoga or journaling or dinner with friends.
It can be hard for parents to make themselves a priority and sometimes self-care can feel like one more thing on a single parent’s never-ending “to do” list. And, believe me, as a working single mom, I felt like I never had enough time in the day to get everything done.
But taking care of myself for 20 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes at night made a noticeable difference. I was better able to handle the day in between and be more present for my children. My time seemed to expand and it minimized the impact the emotions surrounding my divorce had on our daily routine. It’s amazing how much more you are capable of when you are not hungover.
3. Even if you don’t think you need time to heal, you do.
For many people, divorce is a significant and traumatic event that requires recovery time. I learned this the hard way. When my ex first moved out, I thought that was it. I thought I was fine and ready for the next phase of my life. And I wanted the next phase to start right then. Old life gone, new life in its place. It’s understandable.
I had been in pain long enough and all I wanted was to feel happy NOW. I wanted to enjoy the life I had. I don’t think I fully realized how much I had been through in the last few years of my marriage and the toll that took, though. I did know that I didn’t want to repeat my mistakes; I never wanted to find myself in the same place again. And sometimes, to heal something and to be ready for what is next, you will find yourself in the perfect situation to bring everything to the surface.
For me, this was a new relationship with someone I deeply cared about. But it didn’t last. Had I taken some time first to process the ending of my marriage and to get stronger before starting something new, it might have worked out differently. And while I don’t have many regrets, this will always be one of them. Even if you think you are completely fine and are ready for the “next big thing”, take some time for yourself first. Process the ending of your marriage. Don’t rush into the next phase. It will wait for you and it will be better if you are ready for it. Heal first.
4. People will talk about you. They will believe things that are not true. Do not give them your power.
I’ve always been one of those people who cares what other people think much more than I probably should. This is not a good thing when you are going through a divorce. On some level, I expected people to judge the divorce itself. What I wasn’t prepared for was for them to judge me.
I had been through a lot in the last few years of my marriage. I knew I had searched for a way to keep it together. I knew that what was happening was not normal and that I would not want it for my own child. But once I left, I was still caught off guard by the stories that were spread.
I had kept the details of what went on in my marriage private and I was shocked by the way other people filled in the blanks. At first, I wanted to defend myself against each and every one of the rumors I heard. “That’s not true!” my insides would scream. “I was there!” Social media was the worst. It took everything in me to not comment on my ex’s passive aggressive posts that I knew were directed at me. There comes a time though, when that sense of the truth, of having been there and of knowing what actually happened, will have to carry you. I realized, and you will too, that you can’t fight it. Your energy is worth more than that.
5. You will never have your “normal” again.
But that’s okay. You’ll create a new normal. It might not always involve waking up with your children on a holiday or being on the family vacation, but try to remind yourself that the old “normal” wasn’t great either. And with any luck, you will find a person, THE person, YOUR person, to share this new normal with. If you are even luckier, you’ll discover that you are whole without someone else. You are enough. And you are getting a second chance. Work hard to learn from this experience. It has a lot to teach you.
Great piece. I identified with each of your points, especially, “it’s going to be 100 times tougher than you imagined.” True. Four years later, I can honestly say, it was worth it.
Thanks, Tina! So glad the piece resonated with you.
“I’m not sure anyone can truly be prepared for the experience of having someone who was supposed to be your partner in life turn out to be the person who wants to hurt you most, but if you are getting divorced you need to at least consider that this may happen.”
the sense of betrayal is simply incomprehensible to people who have not been through it. the one person in the world you thought was with you, on your side and protecting your back, turns out to be the one person who WILL hurt you, with no regrets, more than you ever imagined was possible.
I agree. This was one of the toughest parts for me, too.
Sara this is an amazing piece. Well done discribing some extremely curtial parts that we all go through. Self healing and awareness are the key to a healthy, happy, existence after life changing decisions. Congratulations on finding your way and a better way for your children. We are all better because of that!!!
So glad to hear that you connected with this piece, Walt. It definitely is a process and all we can hope for is to come out the other side having learned from the experience. You said it perfectly when you said, “Self healing and awareness are the key to a healthy, happy existence after life changing desicions.” Thanks for sharing your thoughts here — it means a lot that you took the time to do that.
Hi Sara, I went through a divorce as well., this is so accurate and a great read for anyone going through the painful process themselves.
Thanks, Jenna! Sorry to hear that we have the shared experience of divorce, but glad my piece resonated with you. I appreciate your taking the time to commmeng here, as well.
I too cared far too much what people thought. Those with whom you are closest to will know the truth and will stand by you. There’s just an inherent ugliness in divorce, and probably the vast majority of us never dreamed we’d end up here. I know I didn’t. I’m better off though, given the circumstances. Also, I agree — a bath and hot tea is the best!
Thank you for sharing your perspective here, Mark, and for providing us with additional resources to consider.
Yes to all of this, Rhonda! It IS hard when you care about what others think, but this is also a really good way to learn to get past that, right? (Not that I’d recommend it, though!) Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
“Hurt changes people. Hurt makes people lash out in unimaginable ways. Expect this. Do your best to protect yourself, and forgive him or her for it (if not for your sake, then for your children’s). But don’t let this scare you….
I expected people to judge the divorce itself. What I wasn’t prepared for was for them to judge me.”
Now, consider the following from Doug Noll, a nationally recognized peacemaker, mediator, trainer and speaker, set forth in his book De-Escalate: How to Calm an ANGRY Person in 90 Seconds or Less:
“The six needs of victims are:
Vengence;
Vindication;
Validation;
Being heard;
Creating meaning: and
Safety….
Remarkably, if a victim’s need to be heard is satisfied, all of the other needs are satisfied as well. Even more remarkable, the need for vengence disappears….
Recognize that your ex-spouse feels victimized. It makes no difference that you were a saint or devil in the marriage. This means that you cannot become defensive when accused and attacked. Of course, you feel defensive and perhaps even angry. However, if you want to salvage a bad situation, you have to control your feelings and help meet your ex’s victim needs. You can only solve problems after your ex has been calmed down.
You might be thinking: ‘Why the heck should I meet my ex’s needs?’ Only one reason: to protect your children. You have to find a way to build a cooperative parenting relationship. This requires you to stretch yourself to accommodate a person who is not acting very nice. You do not have to be a marshmallow, and you certainly do not have to cave in to demands. You do have to put yourself in an emotional space where you can be nonjudgmental and nonreactive for the few minutes of conversation you have with your ex.”
The following is from my article titled Heal from past relationships to help you move on and find love:
“Do give yourself the gift of forgiveness
Don’t let someone live rent free in your head. By refusing to forgive, you are allowing someone to live rent free in your head. Your ex may not know or even care that they continue to cause you such angst. In fact, if they knew, they might even relish in such knowledge.
The following quote is from the Mayo Clinic staff: ‘When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge – or embrace forgiveness and move forward…. Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge…. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you deny the other person’s responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn’t minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with your life…. If you’re unforgiving, you might pay the price repeatedly by bringing anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Your life might become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can’t enjoy the present.’
You don’t need to tell the other person about the forgiveness because it is all about you. By the way, one of the reasons people are unable to forgive is that they don’t take responsibility for their contribution to the result.
There is a big difference between forgiving and forgetting. It takes time and an enlightened person to forgive, but it takes a demented person to forget. Isn’t the best revenge living a wonderful post-break-up life? How can you do so, if you continue allowing your ex to live rent free in your head?”
As far as the judging is concerned, social science researcher Brene’ Brown says the following:
“…research tells us that we judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we’re doing. If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people’s choices. If I feel good about my body, I don’t go around making fun of other people’s weight or appearance. We’re hard on each other because we’re using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived shaming deficiency.”
She also explains that empathy is incompatible with shame and judgment. Empathy leads to understanding and recognition.
While none of us likes being judged, myself included, and as difficult as it may be, the advice Sara Kennedy gives in the attached article is excellent:
“People will talk about you. They will believe things that are not true. Do not give them your power….
There comes a time though, when that sense of the truth, of having been there and of knowing what actually happened, will have to carry you. I realized, and you will too, that you can’t fight it. Your energy is worth more than that.”
The reason Sara’s advice is particularly important is because taken in conjunction with Dr. Brown’s research, those who are too busy judging and shaming you to be able to understand and recognize you aren’t worth your time and they’ve proven it by shaming and judging you.
Oh, by the way, mediation, at least mediation as I understand and practice it allows for clients to be heard and understood in a non-judgmental, safe, respectful, and confidential environment.
Thank you for sharing your perspective here, Mark, and for providing us with additional resources to consider.