We are all familiar with the image of an irresponsible father – the one that is all too happy to forget about his old family after the divorce and would avoid paying child support given half a chance. But what about another situation – when a previously loving and caring father cuts all ties with his children after the divorce?
He goes on paying child support without a hitch and sends his kids Christmas presents, but otherwise is virtually non-existent in their lives? This phenomenon is much more widespread than one may believe and has even earned a popular nickname of a Ghost Dad Phenomenon.
But why does it happen? Of course, each situation is unique, but there are major principles according to which they develop. Let’s take a look at some of the main reasons fathers abandon children after divorce.
6 Reasons Fathers Abandon Their Children After Divorce
1. Feelings of Loss
It may sound counter-intuitive, but quite often the main reason why a father in a role of a non-custodial parent chooses to fade away from the lives of their children is the feeling of loss that is exacerbated by occasional visits. When one gets to encounter physical representations of what has been lost, it suddenly gets much harder to deal with the issue than when they exist elsewhere out of sight.
2. Shame and Discomfort
Divorce is a painful and destructive procedure, often resulting in bitterness, especially if parents separate on unfriendly terms. Divorce is perceived as a major failure by society, and every new contact reminds the father of that failure, which may be made even harder by a number of additional circumstances: mother’s disparaging remarks about the father, especially in front of the children, presence of a stepfather virtually replacing the father in children’s lives, supposed court bias toward mothers, never-ending battles over child support and child custody. All this creates a situation in which the father feels that it would be much better to provide for the children at a distance.
3. Relocation
And now for something completely different and quite mundane. Divorce means that parents go their separate ways, and may end up in completely different places. No matter how much a father loves his children, he usually cannot afford to allow his entire life to revolve around them. He is supposed to have the best job he can find and look for better opportunities to improve his own life. When a father ends up in a different state, it gets quite hard to maintain regular contact. It may sound like a trivial a reason to check out of a child’s life, but then, most reasons are.
4. They Want Nothing to Do with Their Former Wives
When parents no longer live together, sharing custody of their children requires extreme levels of cooperation and mutual trust. Unfortunately, these are often in short supply with people who, most likely, just emerged from a legal battle and are still resentful towards each other. As a result, seeing their children while at the same time having to interact with their ex-wives causes some Dads to check out of what they feel is conflict that just isn’t worth it.
5. Law Makes It Difficult for Them to Perform Meaningful Parenting Roles
A non-custodial parent, by definition, has a very limited impact on the life of a child. Usual visitation arrangements being something like one evening a week and alternating weekends means that the father is no longer a parent per se, but rather a visitor. He doesn’t take part in routine activities of his child, the law removes his parental authority if he doesn’t fight for his right to parent his children and forces him into a position of an entertainer rather than a parent – which is unfulfilling both for the father and the child.
6. They Define Their Parenting Role in Economic Terms
Especially if prior to divorce the father in question considered his main purpose as a parent to be that of a provider for the family. Such fathers tend to compare themselves to “deadbeat” fathers who don’t pay child support and don’t care about their children at all. Rather than seeing their own lack of contact with their children as a departure from what is normal, they perceive themselves as doing better than the majority of divorced fathers and are content to define their participation in financial terms.
Of course, each particular case has its own distinctive features, and no two scenarios are the same. However, it is important to understand the other side of the argument – and these are the reasons that most often that men check out of their children’s lives.
FAQs About Divorced Dads Who Abandon Children:
What is a ghost dad phenomenon?
Ghost dad means a father, who doesn’t meet his children after abandoning them, but keeps paying child support and sending Christmas presents uninterrupted.
Why is my father afraid of visiting me?
Why your father is afraid of visiting you may relate to the peculiar circumstances of your relationship or the relationship of your mother with your father. However, many fathers do not visit their children because it exacerbates the feelings of loss when they see them. Children become physical representation of what has been lost in divorce for many fathers, and they avoid coming face to face with them.
What keeps fathers from visiting children?
Your father may not be visiting you because of the stigma attached to divorce. People perceive divorce as a failure and your father may be reminded of this whenever he visits you. Fathers are also known not to visit their children because of mother’s sarcastic remarks against them in front of stepfathers, custody battles over child support and child custody, etc.
Do fathers stop visiting children after divorce because of their jobs?
Yes, jobs do play an important role in keeping fathers away from children after divorce as the former try to make life better in search of greener pastures. Visiting children after divorce become more difficult when fathers are required to move to another state because of a better job opportunity. It may sound like a trivial reason to check out of a child’s life, but then, most reasons are.
Does my father not visit me because of my mother?
It’s possible that your father doesn’t visit you because he finds it difficult to face your mother after a bitter divorce battle. Parenting after divorce requires a great deal of cooperation and trust, which, unfortunately, is scarce among former spouses emerging from bitter divorce battles.
Do non-custodial fathers abandon their children?
Non-custodial fathers may not abandon their children, but law limits their role to visitations to an evening a week or alternating weekends. Unless a father fights his way to becoming a more active parent, he will end up confining his role as an entertainer rather than a parent.
There is no excuse for a father checking out of his child’s life. These “reasons” are utterly ridiculous and there is no justification for a father who hides behind this reasoning.
Love the article. So true. There needs to be more articles like this.
And every situation is different, there’s no clean cut one-liner for this topic, so no judging.
Exactly, I don’t care what your excuse there is NO reason for a parent (and that means both the mother and father) to walk out of their child’s life. I see men who go thru hell to ensure that they are active and involved with their child this means having to deal with the other parent and sometimes put aside their own pride to do what is best for that child.
My husband walked away from our daughters 7 years ago. Zero contact. Zero child support. We dont even know where he lives
This whole time I’ve felt isolated alone when I try to explain to people how he has opted out of his children’s lives.
It is unbelievable to me how often it is women who are blamed for this. I have had to hear my own parents and brother try to justify my ex’s abandonment.
The simple fact is, if you want to be in someone’s life you will be. My ex husband doesn’t want to be with his kids. And I am not prepared to be held responsible for that. His psyche and self esteem is not the important issue here, it is the self esteem of his daughters, who have both asked why Daddy doesn’t love them. Talk about tearing my heart out!
I say BRAVO! to all the wonderful men out there who love their kids and trudge through hell and high water to be there for them. Well done.
And to the men like my ex who have abandoned those darling little souls…rot in hell!
Well maybe if you had a p…..and were treated like garbage by the courts and punished because your marriage fell apart then you might at least see the other side. It’s real easy to trash ghost fathers when you have custody and get a nice bonus check from the state that pays for your new house, your new boat, and new camper that you and your new husband now own because of that money. It’s like winning the lottery but using kids instead. It’s such a perfect system for mother. Meanwhile the ghost dad lives in a run down super small apartment in a not so great area. Drives a vehicle that is 15 years old and barely runs. Works 2 jobs 12 hours a day just to survive and keep the lottery check flowing to mom. Doesn’t have the means to provide for the kids when they are suppose to be with him or even the time to spend with them because he has to keep the state off of his butt or face jail. But hey, the new stepdaddy can take on that dad role now since the original dad is now essentially a paycheck and sperm donor.
It’s easy to point fingers at dads and blame them but until you are actually dealt the hand the majority of them are by resentful wife’s and a broken court system that uses outdated laws that are now proven to cause more harm than good to kids, don’t you dare begin to condemn a ghost dad for what was forced upon him.
Custody should be 50/50 and no support paid by either parent by default unless it can be proven on a case by case basis for legitimate reason why an alternate arrangement should be put in place.
Furthermore it can cost $5k just to deal with issues with custody when moms with old the kids from dads. Refer to the above mention wording…..how can dads even begin to come up with any money to go back to court if they are barely surviving. Their is no free help from the courts or the state for these issues. However dad misses one lottery paycheck to mom and all she has to do is make one phone call to the courts and state and sit back and watch all the free assistance come poring in to get that money to her. The state’s automatically file petitions on the behalf of mom, and will even represent on her behalf all for free.
Yeah, it’s such a perfect system if you have a v…..
If you really wanted the dads to be involved then you would have not been selfish in court. Decrees can always be modified so mothers have no excuse for essentially pushing dads out of the kids lives. If they truly cared they would recognize the hardships that the dad is experiencing and agree to a mutual modification. Oh wait that would mean the monthly bonus check would stop and he would get to be a parent again to his kids on an equal custody basis…cant have that now. It would benefit the kids to much and mom and new daddy would lose the nice toys.
Oh and until the “winner take all” mentality of the family courts in this county are done away with, the only ones that will continue to suffer are the actual kids.
Of course Legislatures are made up of lawyers typically that have private practices of their own. So it’s kind of self serving for them to not fix the system and keep the conflicts going in courts So they can keep reaping the financial rewards. Divorce Attorneys are the only ones that truly benefit from marriages falling apart. Everyone else is essentially a victim of the divorce in some form or fashion.
There is a perfect reason to walk away. The woman make it freaking hell for the guys to stay in the kids lives. Many make false CPS claims, False police reports, false PPO filed against dad, and make them go to court for everything. The judges ultimately side with the mother most of the time. So to preserve their health sanity most man have to check out. The system makes it that way. Why is the standard parenting time for Dad always every other weekend? Why not automatically 50/50. If the shoe was reversed that all moms get every other weekend. Do you know what the uproar for woman rights groups would be. They all should be ashamed of themselves for pushing such a racist, discriminatory and sexiest system. Man have now choice but to check out if they don’t there health both mental and physical suffer. Besides the federal government would rather turn Dad’s into paychecks and feel they aren’t needed in the kids lives. Bad bad system. Needs to be completely reformed from bottom up and take the financial incentives for judges attorney and woman out of it.
Yes there is. I was low income and my ex moved my son 20 hours away while I was in Afghanistan. Because of my job field, I can only move to a couple of places in the country. I came back and she paid the transportation costs of visitation twice over three years. I saw my son once every 8 months for a period of 4.5 years. I tried the court, but my case was dismissed behind my back and jurisdiction was moved to Texas. I would have had to pay for a second lawyer, just to get some subpar outcome. She remarried, is terminating my rights and he is adopting. There really is nothing we can do, once women are allowed to conduct parental kidnappings the father son relationship is pretty much over. We have to fix it at the legislation level and prohibit women with sole and physical custody from moving away from Dads that are willing.
This is a very insightful article.
Unfortunaty some women will try and continue to control the situation after divorce through the children. Meaning they become the ” gatekeepers” when it comes to a relationship with the children. Many men didn’t want the gatekeepers rules within the marriage, so after divorce it certainly doesn’t work.
I have read so many other articles written my divorced moms on why “real” men don’t walk away. Statistics show that after divorce MOST men walk away. In my opinion perhaps the thinking needs to be changed to how a divorce in which a woman can keep the children in mind and separate personal and emotional feelings for her ex from that of her children’s relationship with the ex.
Jessica, you believe that fathers walk away due to an ex’s behavior? You do know, don’t you that fathers who are dealing with parental interference from a mother have other options open to them. They can use the courts to hold the mother accountable. If they don’t want to do that, they can remain as much a part of their children’s lives as possible.
To insinuate that there is EVER a reason for a man to walk away from his children is highly offensive to all children who have been abandoned by a father. I’m a mother, NOTHING could cause me to walk away from my children and, believe me, my ex tried very hard to alienate me from my son. You need to encourage men to hang around, not blame mothers when they don’t. As the mother of two sons whose father took a hike and abandoned them, I’m offended by your comment. And good men and fathers who love their children would be also.
There is never any justifiable reason why a man would walk away from his children, but it happens every day.
One of the hardest pieces of advice I had to hear and swallow was after my seperating. I thought in keeping my children away from my narcistic and cheating ex, that I was protecting them. But it was my mother who told me that the only thing I was doing was making it easier for him to walk away from them because he didn’t want to deal with me.
It was a bitter pill to swallow, especially at that time. I realized that he would never change, that the only thing I could do was control my actions.
I’m a father about to walk away. Just gave my daughters their Christmas presents early and said goodbye.
The constant game playing by my ex, and the poisoning of all our prior relationship by her, as well as our daughters…. it’s just too much to deal with, there’s no way I can win, the odds are so long against me.
I’m sorry about your situation. My husband has been dealing with his ex-wife for almost 4 years now. A few months ago he fought for 50/50 visitation and was denied all because he’s remarried and she refuses to allow me to “step” parent and she’s all about the money. We have to live with my parents because $1500 per month, plus healthcare all go to her all while she can have her “own” place to live with her boyfriend and buy new cars, designer handbags, etc. She guilt trips my step-son into not having a relationship with me and is also pushing away his own father. She will say things like “I wish you didn’t have to go…I’m going to miss you so much and will be sad while you’re away”. Now tell me how this doesn’t affect a 7 year old?? Oh, but this is “hearsay” and not provable in court. Such a shame because my step-son is the one who is going to be hurt in the long run by all of this. I can tell my husband is growing tired of losing in court and I’m afraid he might one day walk away as well. The system needs to change and like another comment mentioned 50/50 should be the “norm” for all parents like some states do. Women would NOT allow this to happen to them if the role was reversed. Something has to change before we are left with a bunch of fatherless children who grow up to be angry adults who direct that anger in the wrong direction.
Jessica,
Sorry to hear your story. You said there is never a good reason? How about my reason? see below
Once the divorce decree was received I ghosted my children and my ex wife. I willing pay child support based off a prelight order sent with the divorce packet. This is to avoid making things worse if I was not to pay and having stuff garnished and having to pay even more etc.. So I have a few years of child support to pay I consider this just a debt and it will be over with in a few years. (its a large sum 40% of my take home)
I can never see or communicate with my ex again. I have visions which are resulting in a very bad outcome for her, myself and my kids. This vision would not be fair to my kids so I choose to ghost them all and not to have my vision become real.
I am working on me and can care less if my kids want to have anything to do with me when they are adults or not. When I was married I was gone a lot working long hours as the provider. Since woman think they are a superior gender and don’t need providers this will be a great population control mechanism. I am MGTOW and fully support all young men to go this path to never waste time or resources on any woman as in the end the man gets burned and bad for being good. The only thing woman are good for is using men and burning them in family court.
Based on your comment, it’s a good thing you’ve “ghosted” your ex and your children. You’re a toxic human being, they are better off without you in their lives. And, based on your comment I think I understand why your ex divorced you. Here is the problem with your MGTOW theory about women and young men. It’s mothers who have the most influence on their children, not fathers…and especially not fathers like you. I raised to boys on my own after their father “ghosted” them. They are both in very healthy long-term relationships with women who have careers of their own. You see, you don’t tell young men that women are bad and marriage is for fools. You tell young men to marry independent, career-minded woman instead of parasites who need to be taken care of. the buck stops with men…start choosing the right women and you won’t get burned. Men like you don’t want a woman who feels equal to them, though, they want a woman they can feel superior to and those women are few and far these days.
The women who’s the mother to the child i fathered did absolutely everything to stop me seeing or knowing the child after we split. I did everything i could to be in the child’s life, travelled hundreds of miles more than once just to see the child, and what happens, her mother never showed up on any occasion, thus wasting my time, effort, and cash all for nothing. She never told me anything about the child, other than “she’s fine “. And on the times when she really wanted to be bitchy and evil, i would get,” she did this, went there, saw this, or said this ” for the first time, all stuff that she knew would hurt me even more than what i already was. I stupidly let this go on for several yrs even though it was killing me inside, but the time came when i had to decide to move on in life and let them get on with theirs. we split in 2012, last spoke on phone in 2013, and by txt in 2014, but after that point, i changed all my contact details, closed my fb account, and any other ways that she could get in touch was shut down too. the child was just under 3 months old when the mother and i split up, she has just turned 6. I don’t know her, or anything about her, and the only person who is to blame for the child never getting to know her birth father is her mother, and that is FACT. i do not, and will not feel guilty about moving away and getting on with my life, if the mother thought i was gonna sit there and hope tomorrow would be the day that she’d somehow get in touch with me, then she found out that she way wrong, life does NOT work that way. And no, i do not care what anyone thinks about this story, i have myself to look out for, and that’s what matters to me…
Well i totally disagree with the comments, i was completely justified in the decision i made. The mother thought she could keep me hanging on evwn with all the nasty thigs she said and done, after a yr and a half, that was never going to happen. Her actions, and hers alone destroyed the relationship, and when things are destroyed, they’re destroyed for ever. She can deal with all the questions and other stuff. She made the choices and decisions that broke then destroyed the relationship, so she can deall with whatever comes at her as a result. But for me, it’s all in the past, and i don’t live in the past, i moved on, and will never look back…
Wow, I paid child support for 14 years … If I had to do over, I would of left America to a Nation that did not honor US child support laws. I paid always and never once missed a payment averaging over 1,000 usd a month for one kid. The EX & system did everything they could do to milk me in every way imaginable never once being accused of a crime or committing one.
Men, there are many nations that will take you where you do not have to tolerate abuse like this …
I’m a father of 5 beautiful children, unfortunately from 4 different relationships. I fight tooth and nail, walking on broken glass to be every bit involved in my kids lives. My son from mother #2 had been ripped from my life because the mother went to court all be caused I was working so much to provide for my children, and there the courts ruled this as child abandonment and relieved me of my rights for this child.
Mother #1 and #3 work together for any and all reason to kick me out of our kids lives. With mother #3 she went as far as going to court for full custody were as I didn’t receive a single paperwork informing me of this, and of course she was granted. Not only so, she made up lies about me threatening her and took me to court for a restraining order. To continue on she has now filed in court to give me only one day of visitation because she had lied again and said she feels the kids are unsafe in my care when I have not once put them in any danger. This mother sits on her ass all day with no job living on all government assistance out there. She has deliberately told me she will do everything to sabotage my relationships outside the children.
Mother #1 will go as far and tell me directly that her boyfriend does more for my child than I do because work schedules have changed. She will deliberately speak to our child in any manner to describe me as the bad parent trying to turn our child against me.
With all this I’ve tried the courts and they do nothing to help me in any way. Luckily for mother #4 we are still together. Its come to a point in life where it’s only a matter of time when i will fade away because i rather my kids be happy away from me than either of the parents putting me in jail or worse by just their actions alone. I love my children dearly but i cannot continue to be a part of their lives if the mother cannot work with me let alone allow me to be there for me kids.
I filed for divorce in 2008. Wanted a totally fair split and sharing of the children. Her response was to claim abuse, and the courts made sure to destroy my relationships with my babies. I put forth a monumental effort to stay in their lives, but the courts and their mother did everything possible to thwart it.
A decade later, they don’t miss what they never had. The anguish of being erased as a father saw me develop severe health problems that soon had me walking with a cane and suffering metabolic syndrome. A broken heart can kill you. I finally had to make the decision to accept things and move on, and am no way slowly restructuring my life toward that end. Still have health problems, but no cane.
Recently, the youngest child is reaching out and trying to have a relationship with the father he lost, but from behind mom’s control. I, unfortunately, had to inform him his father is no longer around and that I am not anyone’s father anymore. I don’t hate or resent the child. I just don’t see him as mine anymore; he’s been raised by others, and I have been forced by my society to shed “fatherhood” entirely. The kid isn’t taking it well, and I feel bad for him, but after so long of not being in his life we are, and now will always be, strangers.
I get the usual idealized snap judgments from others, usually women, stating that I’m a no good piece of crap for “doing this” to the child; only a few rare witnesses understand the situation, tragic as it is. It has been greatly difficult to move on though, and I know in my heart I tried hard to be his dad before I finally had to let go. It’s between him and his mother now.
The experience has shortened my life, I know, and I no longer look at my society and country the way I did before. So for those who want to make idealized statements that a father should NEVER walk away, I get it. But I’ve lived through enough to know that it’s not always possible to do that, in a world that hates fatherhood and, as part of that, neglects to remember that fathers are human too.
You call yourself “former father” but the reality is, you were never a father in the first place. The love a father has for a child is ALWAYS available. Regardless of how long it’s been since that love was sought, a man never turns his back on his children. I’ve been divorced since 2012 and I had a difficult time dealing with an ex who tried everything in her power to cut me off from my children. I got an attorney and I fought like hell in court to keep her from doing it. That’s what you should have done. If you’d had the balls, that is what you would have done. That isn’t an idealized version of fathering, that is reality. A MAN fights for his children. A MAN never closes the door on his children. A MAN would give his life for his children, not worry about whether his life was being shortened. You aren’t a man or a father. You’re a weasel who is blaming his gutlessness on an ex and the court system. What a disgrace you are to real fathers.
We should have lunch sometime.
bullshit… there’s all sorts of reasons for checking out.. i checked out bcuz it was quite clear that I was going to eventually kill my son’s shit-talking mother at some point in the future. That was 20y ago, never spoke to or seen them since……. & the whore is alive, HER son is well.
Everyone wins…more importantly, everyone is alive!
what if you dont have the money for lawyers? I think walking away is a brave thing to do, fighting dosent prove that you are a man, you will end up destroying yourself in the end.
Please explain to us how “walking away” from your children is a brave thing to do. Fighting proves that you are a FATHER. And most FATHERS will destroy themselves before burdening their children with abandonment.
My wife called the police because I refuse to pay for a bedroom set for which I had no money. Luckly, I knew this move so I removed myself from her by locking the door to the bathroom. When the police arrived, they immediately became aggressive with me, as she gave that slobbing, crying, nose dripping scene. Until I let them know I was in the bathroom and not beating her they relent. This is what me go thru.
The kids are destroyed by the infighting. Its not always about you- mother and father.
That’s what you think !
My partner decided to go 400 miles away 2 months before our childs birth.I gave up my home , my job and my life to go and be with them , her family were simply toxic and made their feelings quite clear.
I rented a flat after my son was born but she only stayed a few days then left. 1 month later she called saying I could see my son and that her family had made her leave , so I visited again but after 6 weeks she moved again with no word. A few months passed and I decided to look for them and I bumped into both on the street , she told my son “there is the man who never visits you” “the man who gives you no money” so I would spend money on my Son buying him the best of everything. Then she got pregnant again, I was overjoyed thinking a little brother or sister for my son but she wouldn’t hear of it and decided on an abortion. My feeling were not important so she did it anyway. Then she started telling my friends and family about all these bad things I was supposed to have done so no one visited us anymore as they didn’t want involved,
The relationship was very toxic with her as well as her family. I had no say whatsoever in my sons life.
The trouble continued and for my own sanity I had to leave , I cried bitter tears when I left.
This “mother” had all the legal help while I got none. To this day I still struggle to understand it but I know there was nothing else I could have done and was forced to leave.
They’re being very selfish and not thinking what is best for the children. My kids are grown and my ex checked out on one of our kids. This hurts our child immensely. He even lets one child know what the abandoned one tells him while she’s trying to establish a relationship with him. This is damaging the relationship between the children. He is so selfish!