Every year, about a month before Father’s Day and for at least a month after, I ponder the same question. Why do fathers abandon their children?
My sons still have a father, they just don’t have a father to celebrate on Father’s Day, spend time with at Christmas or receive gifts from on birthdays.
Their father and I have been divorced for over 16 years. In that time period, they’ve had a relationship with their father for a total of 4 years. That is 12 years, all together, with no contact with their father.
As their mother, someone who thinks they walk on water I can’t help but wonder why, how, what the hell happens to cause a father to abandon his children.
I’ve read studies and articles on the subject and heard from men who have their reasons, but I’m still unable to process it as anything more than excuses for bowing out on their parental obligation. Below is a list of reasons some men abandon children and, my thoughts on those reasons.
4 Reasons Some Fathers Abandon Their Children:
1. Some fathers feel inadequate when it comes to fathering. Those feelings of inadequacy cause them to rationalize and come to the conclusion that their children are better off without them.
If I had known feeling inadequate as a parent got me off the hook when it came to parenting, both of my children would have been handed over to social services years ago. I’m pretty savvy at most things I do but, when it came to parenting my young children I questioned myself often. There were days that I questioned my actions all day long.
What parent doesn’t feel inadequate, unprepared, unable and downright overwhelmed emotionally with the responsibility of raising children without turning them into babbling, barely functioning adults? Seriously, feeling inadequate is no reason to cut children off. It may be a reason to do a little navel gazing and come to grips with the fact that parenting isn’t about how you feel but about how you make your children feel. Leaving them doesn’t make them feel all warm and fuzzy!
2. Some fathers don’t remain motivated to parent because men don’t get the recognition from society that mothers receive.
For me, parenting was never been about getting a pat on the back or recognition from society at large for the parenting I was doing. Parenting is a thankless job whether you are a mother or, a father. If the only thing that keeps a person is in the parenting game is the possible return on the investment they make they are in the wrong game…should have never gone there in the first place.
Parenting isn’t about having achievements recognized. It takes a lot of work to parent, work that isn’t acknowledged in a typical fashion. You are not paid extra, promoted to a better position, you don’t get vacation time or sick leave. Parenting is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 365 days a year.
Are some fathers abandoning children because they don’t get recognition for the role they play or, are they abandoning children because they are too immature to understand the role they play? Parenting isn’t about someone making sure your stroke supply is met, it is about showing up for your children.
3. Some fathers feel disenfranchised by the Family Court system during their divorce.
I feel intense compassion for fathers who are relegated, by a wife who wanted a divorce and a Family Court, as weekend visitors in their children’s lives. My heart would have shattered into a million pieces if I thought, when my children were young, I would only have access to them on weekends and, if I’m lucky, one night a week. For me though, that would be a motivating factor in remaining a strong parental force in their lives. Isn’t only seeing your children every other weekend reason to parent harder when you are with them and not a reason to check out altogether?
As a mother I would endure mountains of legal debt, suffer through severe character assassination, deal with a ragingly insane ex (I did all those things) if it meant staying in my children’s lives. For one week, two weeks or just a few minutes a month I would endure whatever. For me, parenting isn’t about how often I see my children or how disenfranchised I feel as a mother, it’s about the impact I have on my children’s’ lives as a parent. If I’m gone for good, I’m having no impact at all!
4. Some fathers leave abusive relationships, leaving their children behind.
I heard this excuse recently. A father had a child with his girlfriend who later, became abusive toward him. He cut contact with the abusive mother and child because seeing his child meant having to put up with the “mother’s toxic behavior.”
He left his child to fend for itself with a mother who is physically abusive. I’m sorry but, this man isn’t a father or, much of a man if using the proper measuring stick. I would be embarrassed to tell people I left my children with an abusive father to save myself. In situations like this father’s, someone who was able to check out of his child’s life to keep down turmoil in his own life, can we all agree he hasn’t and never will earn to right to be called a “father?”
As for my ex and why he bailed I have my theory. Only he knows for sure, though. He is caught up in his own immediate self which, for the last several years has meant, “I have to worry about my own pain” type of thinking. He can’t have a relationship with his sons because it would translate into more chaos for him to handle and he isn’t open to chaos. Knowing him as well as I do, he is only repeating a pattern of life decisions that are familiar to him and feel safe.
My ex’s baseline for what is normal parenting behavior is different from mine. And his ability to work through difficult relational issues with his children is low because he is a conflict avoider. I think it is just that simple. Painful for our children but, really, no big mystery.
More From DivorcedMoms:
If You Aren’t a Good Father, Don’t Blame Divorce
Here Is What Really Happens When a Man Checks Out Of a Relationship
Both the court systems is setup to destroy fathers.
Most fathers dont want to abadon their children but with an unfair child support system, we dont have much of a choice. My daughter is now 17 and I was forced to kill all contact with her due to her disrespectful behavior to me and my wife. I didnt find out about my child until she was 10 years old on facebook.
Her mom stated that she couldnt find me but that was BS because I was military. As soon as I sent her my address to receive baby pictures she wanted to mail me I received child support papers and calls instead. After I established paternity and was ordered to pay 450 a month the court refused to give me visitation or even an address for my daughter claiming that I was a stranger to the child and that denying me that information was in the BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD.
To receive visitation I would have to petition for it in the court that the child resides in which is in Virginia and I live in Texas. 3000 for an attorney and much more for traveling expenses. I did not have the resources for that and there are not many resources to help fathers with custody or visitation. Suffice to say I was paying for a child that I could not see and the custodial parent was only interested in her monthly check. On top of that she coached her to be disrespectful and I have been called stupid and many other obscenities by a child I have never met. I had no other choice but to cease all contact with them.
So thank the corrupted family court system for empowering the custodual parent and villianizing the non custodial parent.
A corrupt family court system had nothing to do with what happened to you. There are laws, both federal and state in place to protect children. Federal laws say that custody and visitation cases are held in the child’s home state. Your daughter’s home state was Virginia. So, yes, according to law you would have had to travel to Virginia. Yeah, it’s expensive but, if you want to get to know your child, the return on that investment is worth the money spent. What did you want her mother to do, send her to Texas to see a man she had never met before? Send her to Texas to a man who could possibly refuse to return her? What would you have done in the mother’s place? Would you put her 10 year old daughter in the position of having to visit with a perfect stranger? There aren’t resources for fathers or mothers. There is no free ride for either gender in the family court system or any other legal system. You paid your child support but never made an effort to be part of your daughter’s life. I imagine she is quite angry about that and I’m pretty sure it shows up as disrespect toward you. If you wanted a daughter who loved and respected you, you should have done whatever you needed to do to be part of her life.
My Two daughters treated me like a ghost while mimicking moms addictive behavior to internet and online face time. I provided while mom stayed at home her dream not mine. After years of my own pay secretly being stashed in her own account and having nothing left every check. I got sick of being used for the paycheck. I told my ex who was an at home mom for 11 years without working for an income to get a job I was moving out.
My kids did not even know I left it’s been over a year there so hooked on Minecraft a video game and YouTube they hermit in their rooms with doors closed. The main reason I don’t bother is I am so angry with being used and even today paying 800 a month in child support even know she works and I paid to it all even 8 years of her student loan! Kids are 14 and 15 it’s almost over I’ll write them a letter once they both are grown. I don’t see them because I will not deal with my ex I would end up taking her life then mine so as you can see I just stay away to not deal with that problem. I want to see how my life goes and so far I’m much more successful by myself than with her holding me back and lying to me about stealing money.
I choose to take my health and wealth and learn from life’s lessons. I’m not a deadbeat it’s just more fair to not be involved than to do harm over my anger so I have moved on to forget.
Ps my ex was narcissistic and a true gold digger out for only herself I have nothing to gain for telling the truth here.
Doug
I agree, you need to stay away from your ex and your children. You sound homicidal and, in my professional opinion as a licensed psychologist, it’s you that is probably the narcissist. You know, your children had 2 parents in the home. If you don’t like the way they turned out, you played a role in parenting them or, failing to parent them and be a father to them. If you stop blaming your ex and take a look at the role you played you might be able to alleviate some of your anger. You had control over what went on in your home while married. If you feel like you were taken advantage of, it’s only because you allowed it to happen. Your wife took advantage of you because YOU allowed her too. Take some responsibility for the role you played in the mess you’re in and stop laying it all at her and your children’s feet.
Thanks for the reply Jason, I will admit I was not home as much as I would have liked being in the army. My ex wife wanted to handle the discipline and saw no problems with kids spending every waking hour a day on video games on school nights. I did but what I wanted to see didn’t matter to her. Just here to share my story. I’m happy to be out of a bad situation. I was preached it’s cheaper to keep her so many times lol. It’s actually cheaper to leave and less stressful for everyone.
Thanks again Jason
Doug
I was a helo pilot in the Air Force for 20 years before retiring and becoming a psychotherapist.I was gone a lot myself. Here is what it sounds like to me, you let it ride. You chose not to participate and leave it all up to your ex. You had it pretty cushy. You could go off, do your job and not think about what was going on at home because, that was her job. I think you may be surprised at how your children turn out. Mine played world of warcraft too. Their Mom did most of the raising of them while I was gone and she did a fine job. Both my sons are fine young men with good work ethics and, guess what, they still play video games. Both married, making good money. I’m sure your children will grow into adults any father would be proud of. And, it won’t be because of anything you did for them. I know you’re just here to share your story BUT, there are those reading your story that know it’s YOUR story and that she has her own story. I’m glad you’re out of that situation and I’m glad she is out of it also. She kept your family together while you were gone. She has done the lion’s share of raising your children alone and will be there as long as th
ey need her. You may want to think about that when you’re blaming all your problems on the woman who had the balls to do the work you couldn’t handle. It’s you that is the narcissist, not her.
I am a Dad going through a divorce right now and I am contemplating my options. I do not want this divorce. I did not petition or file. My desire is to have physical custody, but I understand that this is not customary and difficult to obtain for the father. I love my four beautiful children more than anyone could possibly imagine. The grief of separation is very very depressing, that I cannot describe. I am now relegated to a predefined set of rules that significantly limit my ability to be a Dad or the father I want to be and love being. And I fear, that because of this, and them being with their mom, will cause irreparable damage to their life and potential. Maybe not in terms of food and clothes, but mental health, achievement, goals, expectations, confidence, etc will be dramatically impacted for the worse as a result. My opportunity for impact and influence is greatly deminished and only complicates matters and confuses my children whom are grappling with this also. Then you add the fights and disagreements with the wife about what is best for the kids, and it seems to me the only logical, best solution is to walk away (regrettably). The damage my wife will cause to my children will be significant, and I have absolutely no choice but to accept and watch and get them on weekends. And when all is said and done, my child’s lives will be a a fraction of what they could be or worse and I will be left to clean up and fix, when I did not want any of this to begin with. So, painful that it’s unbearable to watch. Like watching your most loved person be crucified. Please help me understand why a father wouldn’t have to turn their back and walk away to deal with the grief?
So, since you can’t be the father that you want to be and love being you’re considering not fathering them at all? You fear being in their lives part time will cause irreparable damage but aren’t considering the damage that will occur if you bow out of their lives altogether? If you bow out, that isn’t something you can blame on your ex. That will be your choice. If you bow out you have NO opportunity for impact and influence. If you walk away it won’t be your ex damaging your children, it will be YOU. Why wouldn’t a father have to walk away to deal with the grief? Because, when you have children, it isn’t about YOUR grief, it is about THEIR grief! You don’t get to put your feelings above the feelings of your children. You want to walk away and lick your wounds and in the process leave your children to deal with the life-long consequences of being abandoned by their father. The fact that you would even consider abandoning your children hints at the fact that they may be better off without you in their lives. What kind of man puts his own feelings before the feelings of his children? I don’t know but, I certainly would never label that man a father.
You know seems like you don’t really get it. We go through shit because women are consumers. Men provide and when you woman aren’t happy any more you go ride someone else. Destroying every part of what the man wanted. All women are worthless is what I’ve learned from my marriage. And having children was the worst decision I ever made.
As a divorced father reading this article, I can tell why the father would want nothing to do with the author and their children by extension. This article here is written by a much more sensible person without personal bias and without insulting and outraging divorced fathers who went through hell and back to see their kids https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/6-reasons-some-divorced-dads-check-out-of-their-childrens-lives-dg/
Francis, guess what, I experienced all of those things mentioned in the article you linked to. Guess what else, I didn’t abandon my children. My youngest son lived with his father for 18 months and the law and my ex made it difficult for me to have my visitation time. I still didn’t abandon my son, though. Also, any mother who loves her children is going to have “personal bias” and “outrage” at the person who does them immeasurable harm by abandoning them. Too bad we can’t all be as logical and unemotional as men who abandon their children.
We aren’t un emotional. We don’t express feelings to women because all you do is belittle. You feed on weakness. Your blood sucking vampires. You take everything that could be good in the world and burn it to he ground.
I wonder why your ex feels like being around his kids brings chaos…..
Exactly. She is the problem.