Here Is What Really Happens When Men Check Out Of a Relationship

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1. Deborah Dills says

   July 3, 2015 at 1:16 am

   I didn’t notice that my husband of now 35 years of marriage had checked out before he walked out on me 2 years ago, jn September 2015.   I thought I was still in love with him, so when he left me suddenly, I could not stop crying and felt like I had been hit with a brick and the floor beneath me gave way. Devastated, angry, and felt like my husband used me, aabused me, neglected me, and threw me out like I was garbage, because he never let me know verbally that he was not happy in our long-term marriage.

   But only 4 months after he left to go drive big-rig trucks for a living (my husband is a retired Naval Officer, with  has a Bachelors in Business, and Master’s degre from the Naval Post Grad School), I reached out trying to find out what happened to me, because I couldn’t fathom that any person, especially someone you loved, lived with, bore 2 children with, supported all “his” goals, dreams and aspirations for his life, could do this to me,

   That is when I found a book called “Runaway Husbands” by Dr. Vicki Stark, whose own husband of 21 years walked out of their marriage for a younger woman. I read her book cover to cover and over and over again, writing “aha” notes in the margins that I didn’t see while my husband  and I were together, but clearly did then. Dr. Stark calls this abandoment -Sudden Wife Abandoment Syndrome, and for her book, she interviewed over 400 women who also experience this phenomenom,. Most women, like me, had no clue that our marriages were in trouble, or their husband’s were leading a double life, or had withdrawn without discussion. 

   Yes, the most obvious sign he was no longer interested in me physically was the intimacy had stopped, no sexual contact or touching at all for over 6 months, yet I thought I just needed to give him some space, because I thought he was just going through a “Mid-Life Crisis” or what is called Andropause, similar to women when they reach their mid 50’s, Many men go through symptoms like mood swings, lack of any sexual drive, and many other signs. Some are afraid their youth is fading fast, so they sometimes buy expensive toys like corvettes, get hair transplants if going bald, and find younger women too.

   My buggest “aha” moment came to me, soon after he left me ,was I stayed too long in the relationship to the wrong person. At age 22 and 23 years when we married, my husband was good for me and me him at this age, but not years later. When you are in the military or corporate life like we were, constantly moving from duty station to duty station, east coast to west and back again, you don’t notice what is clearly in front of you and has been all our marriaed lives, but never addressed. We married while we were both serving in the U.S. Navy, and because of this and his transfer from Pearl Harbor, Hi on a submarine, we hurried up and tied the knot so I could be assigned in Charleston, SC with him. I was in love with my husband and only recently realized I married an introvert, and I am an extrovert. It only works for so long, because he truly sucked the life out of me.

   I feel lucky though, because at age 57 years old, still young, in shape, vibrant, with lots to do yet, I have a chance to begin my new life without this man. I am beginning the process of my divorce, and in only 2 years, he will just be a bad memory, someone I used to know.

   Talking to other women my age, who also aren’t happy in their marriages, I tell them if they can leave, to do so, because life is too short to be unhappy with someone you have outgrown and probably has checked out of the relationship. First and foremost is to start loving yourself again, do things you never did while married and enjoy your life again.

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