Have a narcissistic husband? Don’t expect him to “have your back.” Don’t expect him to care. Don’t expect him to feel. Don’t expect him to understand. Don’t have any expectations!
I’m not a woman who needs or wants to be rescued, not now, not before I married. My life was not mundane, it was not filled with struggles and I definitely didn’t marry so some strong, financially viable man could rescue me. I was great until I attached myself to a narcissistic husband.
I married for love and partnership not out of the need to have a man in my life. That being said, once I married I expected my partner/husband to have my back, figuratively and literally. It’s something all of us should expect, an assurance that the one you love is watching out for you and your interests and you doing the same in return.
My problem? I married a narcissist. He didn’t have my back, wasn’t by my side and if times became troublesome or I found myself in an unpleasant predicament he was nowhere to be found…unless it was beneficial to his agenda. On top of that, he felt my desire for him to come to my defense was weak and judged me as too “needy.”
This is typical narcissistic bullshit. Someone who is unable to ever empathize with others is in no position to judge others as deficient in any way. To the narcissist, the idea that they have even the simplest responsibility to a wife is intolerable so judge is all they are capable of.
Do you have a family member who mistreats you? Don’t expect the narcissist to have your back. Ever been hit on relentlessly by some sleazy bar lunk? Bet the narcissist didn’t have your back. When the chips are down when it is time for them to step up to the plate they just can’t do it.
By “they”, I mean that my narcissist is like your narcissist is like her narcissist is like his narcissist. They all do the same things, exhibit the same behaviors, say the same words, inflict the same passive aggressive pain, follow the same narcissistic patterns all the time, every time.
They end up being the person you need someone to cover your back from! They are worse than the abusive family member and the sleazy bar lunk and you are in it on your own. They aren’t by your side or on your side; instead, they are, more than likely, BEHIND your back waiting for the opportunity to twist the knife they just embedded there.
What else should you not expect from the narcissistic husband?
1. Respect for you and the marriage:
The narcissist will side with others against you, talk behind your back about you, and all the while smile like a Cheshire cat at you.
2. Kept promises:
A promise, is a promise, is a promise, unless you are married to a narcissist. They make promises, to you and your children, and when those promises are broken deny making them or, act as if you are in the wrong for holding them to such high standards.
3. Doing something for the sake of doing something:
If he washes the dishes, mows the yard, attends a parent/teacher conference he wants credit and stroking. Buy a pack of gold stars make a chart with his name and treat him like the child he is.
4. Humility in any aspect of life:
No one is more important than the narcissist! Enough said.
5. Respect for boundaries:
The narcissist crosses personal boundaries with specific intentions. He may wish to hurt you for some unknown harm he feels you’ve done. Whatever his reasons, there is no line between you and him getting his narcissistic needs met.
6. Unconditional love and caring:
The narcissist’s feelings (what little there are) are based on conditions. The main condition being, your willingness to mirror back to him his grandiose view of who he is, or thinks he is.
I received an email the other day from a woman who is desperately in love with a narcissistic ex. He chose to divorce her and in doing so simply dismissed her and their child from his life. She wrote, “Is it hard to wrap my head around the fact that love was a lie for the best years of my life? That the narcissist never even so much as cared about us? That I and my son were a convenient game, easily disposed of, easily erased? That he could have cared less at any given point over those years if we lived or died?
Yes, it is hard to wrap your head around those facts. After 15 years of being divorced from a narcissist, it is hard for me to write about the subject, it takes me right back to that time in my life. But, unlike the narcissist, I’ve got your back. I will continue to write because of women like the one above and, children who are harmed daily by narcissistic fathers and because knowing we aren’t alone is the only comfort to be found when tossed away by a narcissist.
AND, in the hope that fewer women will give these men the to opportunity to toss them away.
FAQs about Narcissistic Husbands:
Why is my narcissistic husband judging me?
You may find your narcissistic husband judging you because narcissists are incapable of empathizing with others, and hate the fact that they have responsibility to their wives. Don’t ever expect a narcissist to defend you even when a family member mistreats you.
Why do narcissistic husbands break promises?
Narcissists break promises as they are alien to the concept of responsibility and in love with the idea of taking advantage of people whenever they feel fit. A narcissist will make promises to their wives and children only to deny having made them when reminded.
Why does my narcissistic husband cross personal boundaries?
A narcissist will cross personal boundaries deliberately because he wants to hurt you for what he considers your fault. A narcissist will not recognize any boundaries between you and him when it comes to getting his narcissistic needs met.
Do narcissists show different traits?
Narcissists are recognized by their traits as they do and say the same things to satisfy their narcissistic needs. They have an uncanny tendency to subject their victims to manipulation and passive aggressive pain. You cannot rely on them ever and need someone to watch your back when dealing with them.
Do narcissists behave like children?
Narcissists do behave like children as evident from their insatiable need for attention and appreciation. They would want you to shower them with praise for doing chores like doing dishes or mowing the yard.
Great title, sorry to hear you married one too! Why are there so many of them?
That is why I started my blog, writing helps me to know I wasn’t the crazy one!
Thanks Carol! Would love to read your blog, what is the URL?
Thanks Carol! Would love to read your blog, what is the URL?
Bang on! “Buy a pack of gold stars make a chart with his name and treat him like the child he is.” Oh, Cathy you nailed it. Great post.
Thanks Lisa, that means a lot coming from you. I guess I get a gold star hug? 😉
I’m not a neat freak, but I work hard keeping our house clean. When I respectfully asked my husband to clean the mud off his feet before entering the house, he said: “No, I won’t do that because it would be too much trouble.” I’ve asked him a dozen times over the years to stop dropping his used toothpicks on the floor for me to pick up. They clog a vacuum cleaner. Stepping on a toothpick with bare feet is extremely painful if it sticks in the foot like a big sticker. There is no pressure on him to do any kind of work; Why won’t he simply cooperate?
Because that would be giving in to you. Doing something that you ask of them means relinquishing power.
OMG This is so correct!!! I am married to a narcissist. I kept thinking I was doing something wrong! Thank God for this article!
I too am married to a narcissist. I almost killed myself today because of it. The noose is still hanging in my closet and the bruise is on my neck. I dont know what to do anymore but this article and you ladies responses gives me an inkling of hope that im not alone and im not crazy. Thank you
Don’t give in! You are the beautiful one! Get rid of HIM!!! I’m divorcing the 2nd narcissistic husband Ive been married to after he has tried to destroy me for 18 years! I’m going to be happy as soon as im free of HIM!!! You can do it too!!! I’m going find my joy and inner happiness that is waiting for me without wasting any more of MY PRECIOUS LIFE on his sickness!!! Please find your inner peace and happiness that is always within you that no one can ever take!!! Get away from him and NEVER LOOK BACK!!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! YOU CAN BE STRONG!!! DON’T BE ASHAMED!!! THE ABUSE IS ONLY THE ABUSERS FAULT!!! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! GET FAR AWAY FROM HIM AND GET HEALTHY!!! MAKE HEALTHY BOUNDARIES FOR YOURSELF SO NO ONE CAN TREAT YOU LIKE THIS EVER AGAIN!!! DO NOT ALLOW IT TO YOURSELF!!! PROTECT THE GOOD AND WONDERFUL PERSON YOU ARE!!! STAY STRONG AND SAFE!!! Your sister and friend!!!
Thank you. I divorced mine 11 years ago, but we have rejoined many times since as I always get to the stage that i need financial support for our 3 boys. I have considered suicide many times but haven’t because of my boys and what it would mean to them. I am currently back with him for over 2 1/2 years and getting very depressed and removed. No one understands the daily struggle. I feel so emotionally despondent. I feel weak and self hate every day. Friends always say I’m such a strong person but I feel nothing anymore. I adore my boys and have given up my life for them. To give them everything. I am strong for them but I just don’t know what to do about my situation. I have spent many, many years alone, raising my boys without their father present, so I could ensure none of them would grow up with the same tendencies. So far, so good. They are strong, independent decent, respectful young men that I am so proud of. It makes me feel a little better, although quite confronting and frustrating, to read all your stories. I am not alone. 🙂
I have walked this path too, and am now divorcing him; and just as I feared, the divorce is almost worse than the marriage. Almost. At least now I’m not subjected to it on a daily basis and my kids don’t have to watch that as their daily example; but they will unfortunately be subjected to him in the future and it terrifies me. I just have to trust that my strength and sanity are enough to balance the chaos coming from that side. And pray God stands in the middle.
Is there anyway a narcissict can seek councilling to help him realise his faults?
Jay, if you can get the narcissist to admit they need help, it is possible for one to receive help. The trick is getting one to admit that.
I’m just splitting from my narcissist. Wish everyone the best! You all deserve better. He will never be real. He will never be genuine and we all deserve that.
Also had the narcissist expereience. Oy. Would you mind if i share and repost this?
Thank you so much for this article. I have been married to my husband for 22 years. I have never been able to figure his angry,demeaning personality out until a marriage counselor said the word narcissist. It is a word I never heard of, but it fits my husband perfectly. It has been so difficult living with him and has torn me down emotionally. I think he has PTSD to go along with it. I am searching on what to do. I am totally fed up with him and his ways and making me feel invisible. All he does is dress in his fine clothes and tilt his hat to the side like a pimp.
You’re welcome, Dee. I had never heard the word either until the therapy we both saw during our divorce introduced me to it. When I started doing my research on narcissism it all made so much sense to me. I wish you the best in whatever steps you choose to take.
OMG, I am married to a man that has narcissistic behavior disorder and he is a pastor, but gets angry at any given time.
My husband is the police chief. I know how difficult it is to get help when married to a narcissist of “status”. I tried to go to a womens shelter once and they turned me away because of who my husband is. Never mind the bruises I was sporting. 🙁 My heart hurts for you all.
@Dee – I can totally relate with you esp on the dressing fine clothes & some form of PTSD
I have been married for 38 years and only recently realised that my husband is a narcissist after somebody mentioned the word NPD. I have done extensive reading of NPD and now know he is definitely a narcissist. How could I have been so stupid? All these years I forgave, trusted, hoped that things would change. All the broken promises, the raging temper, the threats. He started his tricks just 3 months after our marriage. But I kept on believing. And now that I know and has confronted him with the facts, he is threatening me. He does not want to divorce. Says he will refuse to sign anything. I feel dead inside.
Belinda, just read your post and it is exactly what I needed to hear…. I too have been married to narcissist for 38 years… And just realized that this is the situation I am in and if I am to get any better, I must make a decision to stay or let go… Things are slowly getting worse. I too feel dead on the inside… I am so tired all the time… But just reading your comments has made me feel so much better… Is there any way we can communicate privately… I really do need some one to talk to..
Hi Linda. I would love to communicate. Just don’t know how to go about it. I am not on facebook or twitter.
I hear you! It took me 10 years to figure it out! His father mentioned narcissism one day when I was talking to him about how difficult his son is. We have an 8 year old boy and it’s so hard to leave my family. I feel so alone.
He can be so convincing at times and it sucks me back in again. We have been separated for 1.5 years but are still back and forth. I don’t know how to break away! I keep thinking Im doing something to cause the issues. Im waiting on therapy to try and figure this out because I struggle so much with it.
Im a professional and he left me bankrupt. He keeps wanting to keep trying but Im afraid to let him back in the house.
Im so confused that I’m second guessing all the time. He seems so good at times but then he snaps. Then he says we need to communicate more but when I try he gets mad if I don’t say things the way he wants to hear it! I’m walking on egg shells.
When he’s around I feel I need to cater to his needs. I feel anxiety and rushed. I feel broken. I don’t know what to do with myself. Thank god I have my work to keep me occupied.
Even my 8 year old son drives me crazy most times.
I’m on Facebook if any one wants to talk. It would be nice to connect with ladies similar to myself.
Linda
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Just been discarded, over 12 weeks no word. Now understand probably for the best as,After 16 years of bold faced lies and mind games now have seen the light! After reading a lot of material can see we may be in for a bumpy ride. But forarmed is forwarned so l say bring it on! We have sorted out most of the financial mess except the stuff in his name and the people who need to know are on the watch, so bring it on. I am waiting for your next fantastic bunch of lies and rubbish. NO MORE!
(Laughing through the tears)… I wish I could get discarded. I’m not married to the guy, and I don’t need his money. I own my home outright. I could easily just walk away. Thing is, I’m afraid of him. In my state, eviction proceedings take 30 days. That’s more than enough time for him to fly into a narcissistic rage and kill me. I will need to try for a permanent restraining order, and that isn’t a sure thing.
Yep, he was kind, compassionate, good-looking, well-to-do, and it was all a sham. I’d never heard of NPD until the mask started to slip. Of course, love died after the first screaming, howling, sobbing tantrum. How could it not? Now, years later, I can’t understand how I managed to ignore so many red flags. In general, I’m really not a stupid person, but this guy sure had me bamboozled. I guess we see what we want to see until we’re forced to take a good hard look at the truth.
you are an angry bitter ex, there are positive and negative aspects to ever mood disorder and we all have elements of each in our inidivudla persona. Stop being mad and move on.
Mood disorder? My ex doesn’t have a mood disorder, he has a personality disorder. BIG DIFFERENCE! I’ve been divorced from the man for 16-years. Not the least bit mad at him, haven’t seen or talked to him in nearly seven years. Hope he is doing well but, given how screwed up he is, I know he isn’t. And, I suggest you do some research on Narcissism because, Andy, you’ve got a lot to learn and should learn it before commenting and showing your ignorance.
Maybe “mood disorder” person is a narcissist.
well said cathy xx
Thank you!
i’m not going to lie but i feel almost sick to my stomach as i am now realizing that i married a narcissist who also has anger issues as well. my husband never comforts me when i feel sad nor does he ever apologize when he’s done something wrong on his end. there were signs that he exhibited narcissism from the beginning and i completely missed them! now i am stuck in this marriage for the sake of our 1.5 year old. i long for affection, comfort, and arguing on reasonable terms and now i know that it will never happen and i will always live a hard life. we are moving into a house soon with plans for me to become a stay at home mom because it’s what’s more affordable. there’s no way i can pretend that things are going to be better and he’s only going to treat me worse if i withdraw from him.
Why are you stuck? If you stay what will you be teaching your daughter about who she should be treated my a man? Do you want her to grow up, make a wrong choice and think she has no other option but to live a miserable life?
Get control of your life and move on! I was married to a narcissist as well and I felt the same way you are feeling. I know, it’s difficult to pull away and this is because, narcissists are manipulative, cunning but controlling! He is playing mind games with you and messing you up mentally until he gets total control over you. He will make you believe that you are the problem (messes up yourself esteem to the not). He logged into my iphone,whatsapp, Facebook a,d all my emails and changed all passwords. He even went to the extent of developing fake whatsapp conversations. He started holding conversations with my friends on my Facebook account to say the least. He abused me physically, verbally.Take that bold step and leave now, because narcissists can never change! The earlier you accept this fact, the better for you. If you don’t leave, he will kill you.
I thank God that ‘m out of this marriage and life has been awesome! Let’s chat when you get the chance.
that is what happened to a friend of mine then she prayed and God told her to leave him. now she feels 100 lbs lighter
Hello,
Maybe consider some online zoom therapy.
You will be at home and can get help while he’s at work.
You are talking about my ex husband! They indeed are all alike…! It took me two years between the time i decided i should leave and the time i had the strengh to make it happen. Two years where i lost 15 kgs, lost my health, my smile…everything!
Get back up,dust the dirt off your shoulders and live!!!!!!! Don’t allow this to keep you down for too long.
You Only Live Once!
OMG, exactly!!!!! Three years into discovering my husband’s sex addiction, guess whose faukt it is that he ‘can’t’ do what I need to feel loved and to rebuild trust? I had vulnerably requested: 1) make me feel safe and protected; 2) affirm me. Why can’t he? Because I’ve been mean to him. I’ve lost it and been verbally abuse even to him in the three years of trauma following the discovery of 30 years of cheating. I’m the f@**~* he can’t provide that for me. Also, I’m too needy in his estimation, so he shouldn’t have to try and meet those needs. OK, I’m done. But we have kids and just found out he has an aggressive form of prostate cancer. I’m locked in.
It’s good to now that you have come to that self-realization 🙂 Well done,it take a lot of boldness to do that. But honey, you are not locked in. Are waiting till he dies to move on? Get this straight, he wont change! Do what you have to do to get your sanity back. You need that closure whilst he is alive. But then again, do not forget about your human side as well. He needs you but your life comes first.
Truer words have NEVER been spoken. I am married to a narc – been with him off/on since 2006. Our “relationship” started on a lie – endured the cheating – the empty promises – backstabbing – He eventually turned his entire family against me with his lies determined to destroy my reputation/credibility. Haven’ t talked to any of them in 5 yrs. Even tried it with his friends – mutual acquaintances. I filed for divorce – dragged it out for l0 mos and he convinced me to drop it. I don’t live with him – never have – but he makes a very nice retirement package. I can take care of myself – but if any of you are planning to stay with a narc… remember it’s NOT a relationship. It’s an arrangement- a convenient one for THEM. So be sure YOU get something out of it. Takes a very strong, independent person to be able to deal with a narc. If you’re not – get out – or they will destroy you. They are empty, black, holes – fun if you give them what they want. But beyond that? Zero.
I hope you don’t mind a husband posting here, but you ladies have helped me tremendously! You see, I too am married to a narcissist. She would fly into a rage for me just saying no to her. One time fracturing my eye socket for saying no to taking her picture. After all the affairs, physical and emotional abuse, she would become very, sweet, loving and charming and I would think things would change, but they never did.It was just all an act to keep me around. All her behavior was always my fault, “I made her do it” I for a long time felt something was wrong with me, I was a bad, husband, but know better now. Thank you all!
Hi, Matthew, we don’t mind husbands at all. Most husbands are fine people. And we’re always happy to know we’ve helped someone. You’ve lived in a domestic abuse situation. You don’t say whether or not you’re going to leave the marriage but, I hope you do. You are not safe! She is a text book example of an abuser. She isn’t going to change so, please don’t hang around hoping she will. Good luck!
Hi Matthew, and welcome to this haven.
Know that your wife will not change , she can’t change unless she admits she has a problem and we all know narcissists can’t do that to even save their own lives! It’s time for you to leave this marriage before she destroys you to the not and worst of all, kill you. And guess what, when that happens, she will lie through her teeth that it was self defense and you wont be alive to defend yourself. You MUST leave without notice or she will cage you up and destroy everything that makes you live (social life,work etc.). I had to flee from our home at dawn and even that was so difficult for me because, he destroyed my work,I was broke he took my cell phone and debit cards from me! I had to flee on foot to the nearest home of a friend. So, Matt, take control of your life now.
Good luck!
Hello, I was happily married for 15 years (happily with an exception for, at first, rarely occurring my ex’s angry outbursts and moments when he would turn emotionally cold (now, after years of therapy I understand he is suffering from emotional disorder and definitely on the NPD scale). The divorce was shockingly difficult but I managed to go through the process caring for our 2 then little children. I did it all afterword- years of therapy, empowerment, meditation, yoga, always being there for our two (now college age) wonderful children. I am well -educated, well-traveled and attractive. Years after the divorce I found myself in love with a man who turned to be hundred percent narcissist. Very successful and of course charismatic. After 5 months he starter showing a brutal and cold personality. Being so in love with him literally almost destroyed my life in all different aspects including loosing most of my friends and getting into financial and other kind of troubles. I raised up again, went back to therapy, handled depression and educated myself on recognizing people with NPD, and then 2 years later I opened my heart to another prospect of loving relationship delivered by a very “nice” man (of course I should be warned by his claims of being “nice” and “good” man, and his professions of “undying love” etc., but this time it was coming from a man who experienced serious sufferings in his life (recovered from cancer and he was left by his wife upon receiving the diagnose), and unlike my previous narcissist, he seemed to be open and transparent (insisted that I have a key to his house, wanted me to move in with him, wasn’t hiding his phone etc etc). Six months later, I find myself facing the fact that instead of nice and living, he is cold and a cruel man with no feelings or empathy toward me (unless I’m fulfilling his agenda) and all the previous declarations were his attempts to simply lure me into falling for him and to feed his ego. So I’m I’m the process of leaving again …. I’m devastated as I realize that all my life, despite my knowledge, experience, and numerous attempts of self-care, I have been attracted to, and attracting men with NPD who simply chip away my energy and my soul leaving me always broken. I understand the mechanisms (my father whom I had worshiped and who died when I was 14 was most probably the narcissist according tonthe stories I heard after his death) and yet I fall for the over and over again for cold-hearted and lacking empathy men. Once again, I’m exhausted, lonely, and hurt. I do want to love and be loved (in addition to living my children) but please advice me how to protect myself from falling for a trap of another narcissist again. Please, never ever again do I want to face someone who in one moment can turn from a loving and caring man into cold, heartless, and soulless emotional vampire. Please help. Rose
Prepare by taking your time
Prayer
having your own place dont live with someone get to know them
if you see the same sings you kick them to the curb when you see the sings that means there mask is falling off they can only keep putting on a show but for so long then the real them will come out and some times it might take years but just keep watching them ?
Rose, I’m curious, what are these men doing that cause you to label them as cold, heartless, soulless emotional vampires? Can you give me examples of their behavior toward you that causes you to feel this way? Only 1% of the general population is narcissistic so, I seriously doubt that you’ve found yourself involved with 3. They are few and far between! Could it be that your expectations of a man while in a relationship are too high and you’re setting yourself and the relationship up to fail?
Putting you down and treating you like a dog being direspectful flirting with other women in front of you
saying bad things about you to that women they are flirting with and that same women is telling you what they said about you.
Like most of you commenting..I too am married to a Narcissist! My narcissist was a widower with 5 kids when we started dating (I met him for the first time in junior HS). I had a great job and very quiet life with one child at home that was a senior. He had a great job, he was very charming and frequently spoke about his values. I fell for it all and made the worst mistake of my life by leaving my life in TX after he proposed and moving to where he stayed at the time. Upon moving into the home I started seeing red flags, defiant children, stealing, one suffering from depression with constant threats of suicide, a 14 year old boy who would physically assault his father, etc. However every time there was an issue in the house with a child he would address them in the children’s room with the door closed which I began to question why was he secretly in his kids room frequently talking to them with the doors closed which he thought I was being petty which was the beginning of many disagreements. The children were very disrespectful to him and he would do nothing but cry and talk about how much of a great role model he was for them. The wedding quickly came and we were married but honestly I should have followed my gut instincts and ran, ran as far away as I could get from him and the dysfunctional life. I kept second guessing what I was witnessing and the drastic change I saw in how he began to treat me because of a few people that knew him that spoke so highly of him and what a great guy he was, he was a christian that went to church every Sunday. After the wedding he turned to Mr. Jekyll and Dr Hyde! Flirting with other women in my face constantly, not being where he said he would be and not answering my calls and then he has a thing for young girls.Then there’s the dreaded scratches on his back twice that he claim was scratches from a bamboo backscratcher although the marks were embedded into the skin and clearly from long nails! Then the gas lighting began with him saying “you’re crazy, some man has messed you up, etc”!He plays his kids and I against one another, telling me not to believe what his kids tell me and telling them the same about me. His kids come to me and say that when I’m not around he speaks very bad about me and constantly brags about other women on his job. His kids defend me and he then punishes them by not speaking to them, or giving them the cold shoulder after. It’s obvious my Narcissist is ready to move on to another victim because he’s totally checked out on me and his kids even telling me to leave and just get out of our home. I am distraught that anyone can be so cruel and to realize that the man I thought was romantic, charming, honest, a christian with great values has been a total lie and instead he’s a jerk, rude, back stabbing liar, etc.
Six years later, helping to raise his kids and help them to be better people and I am angry with myself that I allowed myself to fall for this person that behaves like a little boy. His home with his kids before me was very dysfunctional and he hid all this from me, I wasn’t aware of the behavior issues in the home, stealing, defiant, constant yelling and fighting, I wasn’t aware of all the visits to counselors for grief and the total dynamics which was never productive because when the counselors hit home and started focusing in on him and his red flags and questioning him he would not return back. When his 14 year old started spiraling out of control and was facing criminal charges for theft the courts suggested a family counselor come into the home for extensive counseling for six months. The counselor couldn’t handle it, the family was not progressing and my narcissist husband became so angry that the counselor feared he would harm him so he closed the case and told me then if he was me he would get out now, and that things would only get worse. He was right! Everything that goes wrong in this home I’m the reason why because I refuse to live in this chaos, I refuse to conform to the dysfunction and worse I hold him accountable and brought to light what’s really happening in a home with a narcissist father, and then to add the grief of losing a wife with 5 young kids and then the narcissist literally checked out on his kids after losing their mother. He has created a home full of chaos and hostility! His kids have issues but they have grown to love me and I try my best to help them and teach them the right things although my narcissist hates that they have grown to love me and he does everything he can to draw a wedge between us and they see it and resent him for doing what he does.
I have to get out of this but now I’m not that independent woman I use to be and now I am close to retirement and having to start my life all over! I’ve been beat down emotionally, mentally and need some emotional support!
Just read your comment, did you ever find a way out?
My friend almost went through that but she had someone else a guy already she loved, see that guy had a mother and she said her son was perfect.
but my friend witnessed it herself when his mask came off and she saw how ugly he was he starated acting very nasty with her.
she saw him flirting with a lot of women and bring them over to his moms house , and take them to the basement
then the last women he was flirting with he would walk past her and love bomb her and they would walk to the basement together
and he would say nasty things to that girl to say to my friend.
My friend prayed and God told her to stay away from those people.
how do I know for sure the person I am married to is a Narcissist? He has so many similar traits of a narcissist, but sometimes I feel sorry for him and can’t believe that it is him being so mean sometimes.
Only 6.2% of the population has narcissistic personality disorder. Chances are great that he isn’t a narcissist. He is probably just a garden variety jerk. Be careful when trying to understand why he does the things he does. It isn’t good to label someone because it can keep you from seeing the bigger picture.
I believe the number is greater than 6.2%, that may be those actually diagnosed. Although I agree with you that many are quick to label someone a narcissist. In my experience it’s the narcissist that’s the one labeling someone as a narcissist.
I also have experience of those that will play victim, claiming they have been treated horribly, but leave out the part of what horrible thing they did to the other person first.
And then there’s too many cases of those just demonizing there husbands just because they assume what there motives are without actually knowing. Happens to me all the time. Very little self reflection on what they themselves have done to get such a reaction.
Almost no cases of treating their husband kindly and getting a horrible response in return.
I don’t believe most of these stories are the complete story, because none of them admit what they have done to cause what there husbands have done to them.
And as you mentioned they don’t know the bigger picture, and in my experience a narcissist will always make a negative assumption about someone’s motives when they don’t understand. I see plenty of that here.
Lewis, I’d be interested in knowing what you consider “kind” treatment of a husband. Not asking him to help with the children? Not asking him to help carry part of the household responsibilities? Giving him sex at his beck and call? Is that the kind of kindness you feel women owe their husbands?
This article described my marriage to a T. And when I started setting boundaries he divorced me and ignored me as though I was nothing. We have a child (5 yrs. old) and it means nothing. He wants us out our home in doesn’t care how. Sad thing is I had been a homemaker during our whole marriage. Do not expect any empathy nor compassion from a narcissist. They will ALWAYS blame you for everything. Never again.
I understand why I married my husband .. I wanted to care for him…to ‘mend him’. I thought I was strong enough for both of us but after 6 years of angry drunken outbursts , no support either emotionally or financial and maintaining a demanding job I was a physical and spiritual wreck, wrung out emotionally from the take take and more taking. Even after I threw him out I still tried to help him but after 6 weeks he moved in with another woman and after 7 months has come back to my town. I feel a fool because I missed him (the nice him) but it’s an illusion. It has messed with my head. I listen to all the self help experts like little shaman and richard grannon to give me strength. I seriously do not want to lose my self again. I was laughing again, listening to music having fun with my friends. Stay strong everyone dont let anyone treat you this badly they are damaged people who if they could change they would have already.
that is what happened to this persons son use to drink all the time divorce was the out come
I read this and said “That is exactly what I went through!” on many of those points! He never, ever had my back.
They never do and they never will. IT’S just a real shame they don’t have a stamp across their foreheads warning others. I’ve attracted more than my share. I’m done for good. I’d rather live my life alone. I regret wasting my life.
This is not meant as an insult but a person is kind of acting like a narcissist if thet are horribly shocked at the way they are are treated. Its kind of like you are saying to the world OMG this should not happen to ME!! You aren’t that great. Nobody is.
But you are not so crummy, you deserve to be treated that way either. So chalk it up, stop writing these massive victim letters, accept the fact you were in love with a fantasy of yours. He/she was just the box it came in. Tell yourself the good news is now you know what UNTRUE love looks like and try and find it or stay alone and peaceful. And badlands babe you havent wasted your life. You learned. Dont join the bitter broads club. Change your name to happyland Babe. Living alone and feeling happy, you might just found that true love after all.
On top of the emotional abuse….. he’s a pathological lier, master manipulator, & a pro at emotional blackmail. Slow & gradual abuse for almost 20 years & used me for over $600k of my inheritance.
Currently, he’s literally waiting for his Dad to die for his inheritance & then escape all accountability. The many levels of damage to the family is unforgivable.
3 Warning Signs:
– Like a 4 year old, do they ignore doing things unless there is something in it for them, (ex: not just physical, maybe to influence others, gain a friend, dinner, future promise, etc…).
– Never any remorse or genuine concern. Even when confronted & he’s guilty as Hell, there will be no apology or remorse since he benefitted in some way & nothing else matters.
– Avoids accountability, always blames another, never admits fault, sense of false entitlement.
As long as HE gets what HE needs or he can benefit in any way….
I cut funds off & the rage to destroy me is still active. I know the truth (w/ proof) so I risk exposing his masks. The eyes blacken & the “victim” mask slides on smooth & he sucks in his whole family, flying monkeys rejoice! The defamation is outta control & these snakes consume this town. I’m alone & isolated, harassment & daily abuse continues to maliciously force me to walk away with $0.
Attention to all the Back-Stabbing Flying Monkey Hypocrites… there will be
A-C-C-O-U-N-T-A-B-I-L-I-T-Y.
My T’s are crossed & for once, it’s MY turn to benefit. No need for greed, but I’ll fight this narcissistic demon until I stroke out or end up on Dateline, stay tuned.
help! Mine only talked about Himself for the first ten weeks, then he would “maul” me every weekend and it was a a wrestling match with me trying to PUSH him off! And this after he said we would “wait ” until marriage. I had many, many second thoughts about marrying him. Then he became physically abusive and verbally abusive. So much so that I had to sleep in the basement to avoid insults right before I tried to go to sleep. He has told relatives that “Now that I have three cats, “MP” can go”. I slept in the basement for six years… He rarely acknowledges me when he comes home and when he doe he stands out of view. Very strange behavior, indeed. And he says he is a Christian.
IF Me
find job
save
move out and fly away
the game is called the shame game they play that on you to make you think some thing is wrong with you and to have control over you.
someone did that to my friend and she got wise to the game and picked up and left the leader with his flying monkeys
now let them talk about that.
she left out of the blue and no one knew what had happened to her
I’m married to a narcissist for 31 years I know them very very well, I’m sorry but you sound like an entitled narcissist. I’m not trying to insult you but in my experience a narcissist complains about all the things that happens to them. Your opening subtitle “don’t expect … don’t expect” listing all of thing you expected but didn’t get, your disappointments. A narcissist have preconceived notions on exactly how someone ought to behave, and when they don’t behave exactly like they “expect” they are absolutely wrong. There is no other acceptable or understandable reaction.
Someone who is truly a victim of a narcissist is someOne who gives and gives until they realize the Narcissist is draining them dry no matter how much they give always more is needed. I don’t doubt he was a narcissist, but ever consider you’re a narcissist too.
A good sign is how you feel and respond to this message. If you are pissed annoyed or angry and want to delete this message or lash out, then likely you’re one also.
Projection is often the trait of a narcissist.
One way I’ve learned how to spot a narcissist is if they blame someone from their past, especially if they are obsessed with that blame and they are the righteous victim with flaws or responsibility.
Usually when I’m accused by my narcissist there most always a little kernel of truth that’s why it’s so effective.
I hope things turned out well for you, identifying your own flaws is the only way to improve your life.
Narcissism is a personality disorder. The problem is, the narcissist gets feel-good sensations from being, well, a narcissist. Why would they ever get counseling to eliminate something that makes them feel powerful, in control and smarter than everyone around them? My flaw was always reacting to the lies and unkindness’s that came at me. I hate liars. I would always interrupt his lies and that would inflame his sense of massive self-importance. It added just the amount of fuel to the fire that he needed for yet another self-righteous rant. There was rarely logic or reason behind his outbursts. I could, however, almost always tie his viciousness to something that had called him into question or made him look at his actions. If he felt in anyway diminished he would find a way to turn the tables. Sometimes immediately and sometimes days or weeks later. All in an attempt to show me I was wrong, flawed and “just as bad as I said he was”.
Deborah… I read yours and many others and I can’t believe how stupid I have been for 22 years now! I just keep thinking I can make things right! No matter what I say, do or try to help in any way…it never changes his actions. I always thought it was me and I was the crazy one! I see now…oh how I see now!
Why do I enable my husband to continually exploit women and young girls. I allow him to continue this. He even raped someone. No matter what anyone says i will never believe them or believe anything about his double lives. I allow this to continue to happen to these innocent women that he abuses. He is a pervert in every way. He stares at all of the little girls vaginas that come to our pool parties. My son’s friends parents caught this.
I often find that women who claim their husband is a narcissist are themselves the Narcissist. Sometimes it’s hard to tell with their stories about their husbands, but here I’m sure you’re the narcissist. Your story hits all of the marks of a narcissist. Classic demonization, mischaracterizations and embellishments in your story, desperate to make him look like an evil person to make him look bad to take the attention off of the terrible things that you have done. Nothing in your story tells us how he mistreated you, it was all about smearing him and making you appear to be a victim. Classic earmarks of a narcissist’s story.
I’m sure there’s some element of your story that is true but it truly sounds like it’s full of major embellishments. He “raped” someone?? You’re still with him and didn’t turn him in?? See how your story isn’t quite believable?
If reading this made you angry and want to lash back at me, it only confirms my assumption that you are the narcissist.
Lewis, raped? There is nothing about rape in this article? Are you sure you’re commenting on the correct article?
I replied to the latest comment from Amy not the article. Just scroll up a bit.
This isn’t meant to discredit what everyone has posted here, just an idea?
I’ve heard that a good percentage of those considered by the public to be NPD actually are diagnosed ADHD.
I thought I had NPD so I went in for professional diagnosis. ADHD seems a worse diagnosis, as many of us
consider themselves negatively and are depressed (and angry, which can be an offshoot of depression).
It may be that most people diagnosed with various mental health issues are narcissistic- one knows something
is screwed up inside continuously, so one’s attention is directed towards the self to try to fix it / survive?
Although in the end, whether the person is NPD or ADHD, if the relationship is bad and there is no light at the end
of the tunnel, it is best to end the relationship?
You were never a narcissist a narcissist would never go in for a diagnosis to have that confirmed.
A NPD would never admit to themselves or other that they know something is “screwed up inside”, and would NEVER spend a moment trying to fix it, because nothing could EVER be their fault, their problems are ALWAYS someone else’s fault NOT theirs.
I also have to add that I’m impressed with you. Out of all the ladies complaining about their husbands you are the only one here I can remember that admitted to your own shortcomings. And your level headed thought about a sour relationship that they should just end it. That’s the best attitude along with this advice I’ve heard here yet.
Most complain about their husbands like someone sitting on a tack and complaining their but hurts but never getting off of it. They would rather spend years being angry and bitter even after getting off the tack rather than healing and feeling relief.
I believe you may only be suffering with a more generalized type of anxiety along with ADHD but definitely not NPD.
I like your attitude and I hope you find what you need to live a contented life.
Get a private detective
Get a private detective
Did I mention, get a private detective?
It’s the best money you’ll ever spend. Their job is to find irrefutable evidence that you can take to court in the event of a divorce. You’ll have pictures, times, dates, locations, and who they’re with, texts, phone records, and possibly emails. These guys do this every day; they’re pros. You could spend a lot of time chasing your tail trying to catch them. These folks can do it in a matter of days. Even if you catch them and want to reconcile, rent a safety deposit box of your own (never a bad idea) and keep what they gave you in there. Chances are, you’ll need it later, I’m sad to say. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, am a living witness of this and i know how sad i felt when i was in this trouble of cheating husband but elitecracker12 AT G mail helps me out within the shortest times.
You can’t go wrong with a detective. Tell them what you need to know, and ask their opinion on what else you should try to get. There are even agencies who specialize in cheating spouses. You’ll get definitive answers, and proof to back it, in case you have to lawyer up and go to divorce court. It definitely increases the chance of you walking out with a nice settlement.
You know what I think?? I’m married for 27 years to one who seems to get cured of his narcissistic mentality when he’s kept away from his helicopter arrogant parents. While I’ve had support from our church friends and we’re able to convince him of his self centered thinking and to snap hard out of it. But then….. when he speaks to his crazy parents, it triggers him backwards again. We are half a century old and still his fricken elderly parents have a sick hold of him! Holy Crap!!! We need more therapy!!
OMG, my husband consistently wore his hunting boots throughout the house. When I’d ask him to take them off at the door. He refused, so i would pick up little pieces of gravel that he brought in and put them in his shoes so he’d know how it feels to step on gravel in your bare feet!
OMG, My first was an OCD Narcissist and he put on a good show! So personable, just perfect in everyway. He was so confidant and dressed perfectly but EVERYTHING was about him. He would out dress me , introduce me as , ” This is my wife, she’s just a foster mom.” You know…nothing. My 2nd was a hard ass narcissist that made me believe he was SO smart, (4 yr degree) he just finished police training and was just waiting for job interviews, he was a carpenter and a gardener and a body builder! Well ALL of it fell through during the first year of marriage! ALL of it! He lost job after job, lost a business and $300,000 that he borrowed. Gained 150 pounds , became a disgusting slob, had secret bank accounts with his mom and storage units that she would pay for. Wouldn’t pay any of his bills which also ruined my credit. I am so disappointed in myself for falling for it again and ignoring ALL of red flags. I’ve read that it’s because I am an empath. I want to care for and trust someone. Another bad thing is that I work with emotionally and behaviorally challenged kids. I feel like I attract people like them and I must feel like I can help the men too. It sucks.
sounds like my husband of 21years, now that kids are raised and i have a minute of time, he has become a stalking, needy toddler. We basically led separate lives until now. He is also ocd and i caught him in groc store on his way to camp with a chic but claims he didnt realize he was in touching range with her. After confronting both, i left store and came back and right back beside the married ho, but no im crazy and they werent together, realized who it was later that night (covid masks a great disguise) , and since i had her license plate i was able to go directly to her house and verify. Still i am delusional and the chic who knows us just stood in the aisle acting like she was shopping by herself upon confronting. still is wasnt him..this has upped his narcissitic behaviour and I am at my end. He is well aware and knows i will not leave relationship with less than i came in with, which definitely scares him. This past summer found a numbe and called him on this same number and used his child hood special ring, and he answered 7 times, but it wasnt him, i have 6 witnesses and our grandchild who we have custody of was upset i wouldnt let her talk to him when she overheard the one call. He has , locked me out of every device and then locked all up in our truck not the back cargo area but the back seat. karma got him there, someone stole his generator out of the unlocked cargo area and since the police had to break our window since he claims he had no idea where the keys were, he now has a pretty plexi glass hand made window. gps antenae removed from my car after being followed at least 6 times, actually stalked and the followee’s played cat and mouse and even have it on video police are no help. I didnt realize until the last 3 years that its all lies, and he manipulates for his own agenda. have my back not, nor ever will.
i am not sure if those statitics are correct, i can name 3 men that i can guarantee are a narcissist, however my friends and i are nut magnets to say the least, but mine was the worse as far as keeping it hidden, until recently, i knew the day he cheated, and i knew the minute i seen him at the store, however there were other signs along the way that i missed completely until hindsight, Oh but he loves me so much and its not him he has been hacked framed etc, i am dead serious, i shut his cell plan down 7 times in 3 years, each time it still worked because of third party apps he started using, 3 diff phone providers too. crazy actually that were not divorced yet, i have my own bedroom and now have alert alarms because he will not leave me alone and with our custody order (have full legal custody of granddaughter 4 years frunning, and we have to alert courts and mom will have a say ….now im ready to make her mom be a mom and take me back for good! if daughter cant get it together then im stuck.
Thats all I was asking from June 1st, 1985, to May 25th 2009 was that he use options available to him for time off other than the holidays, the summers, Just cooperate and try the January to by the summer of 2009 he could have had from January 2nd to mid-April for his vacation and leave the rest to the community needs, Just let his father me and others chose the shifts and jobs he should try, So it was not disruptive to the community and the lives in it. It was just try to go along to get along. He would eventually have time off the job out of the plant even if it was just stay home instead of going on every three-year vacation to Europe I took. I had hoped that instead of Europe in the summers we could go places like the Virgin Islands, Cancun, and if reservations were full for those places, then the gulf coast, Las Vegas or Florida should be available if he would just have cooperated and tried the options we kept suggesting.
On December the 23 1999 for the millennial shutdown in his plant, I had been pleading just don’t turn the canvas down with his 25 years seniority. just let those with far less have that holiday and on the 7th of January 2000 he finds a place that would serve for his millennial celebrations as if he was deployed in the military. Nobody would want to go anywhere else after the millennials and as always, I was promising in exchange for his cooperation we could go to whatever he decided, Starte our marriage in peace with our neighbors through understanding of their needs regardless of seniority. When his father’s friend on the county bench found a federal court order blocking him from issuing his order of compliance to the local courts decision that my husband would work regardless of his highest department UAW seniority. His father, the judge and the sheriff decided he was not going to defy them but was going to stay and work and arranged for him to be jailed without charge and made to work even though he had the right to the time off by contract. When they sent four deputies just to hold him till Christmas morning and get him to work the two weeks, he decided by the time we came back from Munich that he would have his way in all things that were due him or he was kicking our teeth in when there were other options he could have tried as the millennial replacement and be nice to the community, and me, He flattened two deputies and the other two not knowing what to do tassed him to his knees. It did not knock him out and any thought of being nice was out the window.
His wish to me and his parent’s brothers and sister was that we go down in flames as I begged for him to find something he would consider doing when we returned on his 45th birthday. We tried calling twice from the inns conference room to try and find out what we could arrange as the replacement for his time off out of his vacation and personal time the next two months. I just wanted to explain with 25 years seniority to the lowest less than five years we felt he should use his own time and let the youngest have the extra two weeks since they had already used their two weeks and he still had not taken any of his two months, of course the court had stopped him from time off the last 15 years and before that it had been duty in the Navy for the needs of the navy. submarine service.
When he discharged, I was the one expected to keep him in line then things in 1987 went to using the local court after I had been forced to sign a promise to go anywhere, any time, and any place if my husband gave up the Trip to Rome for the woman, he called a flozzy using her looks to get other men to do her job while she went and played. I was to be a willing sex partner and travel companion, We returned home with the hope he would consider after the first of the year as his permanent vacation and holidays at a time that nobody else wanted in January, I told him that he could do things then and just be nice to what everyone else wanted and he could still have time off and with a little imagination he could have a great time with sex included even if he now hated me so much. I told him that instead of harbor that hate he could channel it to more constructive thins for the well-being of all. that the only thing h had to do was just give his father, me and the community what we wanted and just one time use the options we had pointed out just one time he might even decide he liked it I was crying about the gift he gave me for the 1999 Christmas. a box of dog sh** with a note that said the worth of our 19 years as nobody and wife, I was trying to get him to understand that it was either him that worked with his 25 years seniority or the five youngest in his department with far less experience. After hearing of his ripping through the society even though there were no charges. He had the judge investigated and jailed, the sheriff was made to resign as was his local union president.
we did not know what we were coming home to since he had been violent with the deputies that were sent to incarcerate him for a few days to keep him from going to Munich. I thought he would be released home on Christmas day, but we learned he was defying everything at every step. On his 45th birthday the day we flew in what I had planned was two weeks at a B and B 4 hours’ drive to the straights of Mackinack for the time from his birthday to the 24th in a full exchange set up by his union and company then he would get the next two months off wherever I could negotiate with him at the B and B.
I felt I might lose my head since I did not stand with him, our return was so much worse going home and his demonstration that he thought we kept him as a slave with the offer to whip him on a wagon wheel like he was a slave that had mouthed off He would not take our offers or the unions to try and achieve a peace. He even told everyone to get their pointy cowls and sheets on to hang him the next morning by the light of a burning cross, all because would not try a different way. After 2001 when I had plead with him to back off a job bid, I lived in terror the next time I appeared to interfere with him it would not be a broken leg he would break my neck. I was just trying to get him to back off a highly sought job bid and just wait for the next list in two weeks. I was begging he just hear the four men out and after that he could do as his seniority allowed from then on and he could do as he pleased with a denied marriage with just one last concession, I was offering everything due him He was violent about his rights through 2009 then he became ILL with MRSA in his spine, three years later he came home from rehab intending to have his pound of flesh. He was not going to even try and listen about how to solve things before we continued and he forced me into sex on a evening Ii had other plans, I feel bad that he died on June 3rd 2019 at 64 He left me with a 5-year-old to bring up nd who feels I let daddy die I was49 when I had him I felt I was just buying a pece even though it was at my husbands expence I. now me and our son don’t have him I am 57 now
Married to Passive AGGRESSIVE, he’s 2 different people
HE IS A WASTE OF TIME. NOTHING EVER CHANGES.
I’m surprised this string is still live. In my experience living with a narcissist wife, and reading many of the complaints women posted here about their husbands, what I see is a whole lot of projection from unhappy and demanding women, who are categorizing their husbands reactions and responses to their wives likely screechy demands, and their judgment of who he is is based on the guys response to his wife’s attack on him, and the initial interaction that initiated his response is always left out of of the story or polished up and not included with the evaluation of why he responded the way he did.
It’s always a one sided story.
If you disagree with me, try this. If you suddenly become very kind and sweet to your husband, do you get the same reactions from him?
If you because amiable and reasonable, and listen to him, will you get the same reaction?
And lastly, are your arguments based on you not getting something you want? Can you honestly say he has more demands of you than you have of him??
I’m told my post is too long when it’s far shorter than previous posts.
Continued….
Continued…
I haven’t know any couple ever, where the husband had more demands of his wife than she has of him. She often has far more demands of expectations of him.
My point is most of the problems I’ve ever seen in marriages comes from excessive and unreasonable demands the wife has over her husband, and her since of unbending entitlement with those demands.
You know I’m right because most marital arguments are based on what she wants or doesn’t get, and her demands and expectations, not the other way around.
And I’ve never heard of a narcissist who’s not always working on getting her way all the time!
And lastly I found narcissist are the first to accuse someone else of being a narcissist, because narcissistic has a need to label someone as being the bad guy to cover their own faults.
If these comment upset you rather than cause you introspection, you’re the narcissist not him!
How stupid am i, that it took me 36 years of being married to someone who blamed me for anything/everything and convinced me i was crazy because he never did or said the things i said he did, to realize that he was the problem. I had an abusive alcoholic father, manic depressive hostile Narcissistic mother and dealt with them by being the people pleaser, walk on eggshells, jokester and high achiever. I would love to say that i divorced this man, but instead I kicked him out of the bedroom and when he is passive aggressive,!i ignore him until he starts behaving like a human. It is like living with Dr Jekyl/Mr Hyde. His entire family are passive aggressive Narcissist who use hostile humor to be ugly and then tell you that you are being too sensitive because they are only “kidding.” Lots more to this story but i am too old to get a divorce after 46 years of marriage. Thank you for letting me vent.
Aw, I’m so sorry. I did 20 years and, yes it was hard as hell and I’m poor. He got 1/2 of MY house and took money out of my retirement before we divorced. We shared the dogs so I still saw him every week then I found out he bought a house 4 blocks from me. Luckily he died before he moved in. I’ll hate him forever but every single thing in my house is where I want it and I actually like being alone. It’s peaceful.