Do you have an ex in your life who makes your life hell? Does it feel like even though your spouse got divorced that he or she is still married? Would it surprise you to find out that you put up with more than you have to, simply because the ex says you do?
Below are nine ways to stop allowing the ex to run your life. And, how to remove the welcome mat from your porch and your forehead respectively.
1. You didn’t marry them. He or she is not your ex.
This person your spouse or significant other married and consequently divorced was not who you planned to spend your life with. The word exclude starts with ex. So do just that.
2. The ex does not own your spouse just because they share a child.
If your spouse is the non-custodial parent with visitation, it is difficult, but not impossible. Though no longer a team in terms of marriage, they are a team in terms of the child/ren. The ex can only control what the divorce decree says. If the ex has sole legal and sole physical custody, s/he has the say over schooling, medical decisions, and religion. However s/he is required by law to encourage and nurture a relationship with any and all family members of the child’s non-custodial parent. This includes stepfamily, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Better yet, did you know your spouse has a right to daily phone calls with his or her child, unless noted differently in the divorce decree?
3. If you want to attend a school or sporting event you can. Doctors’ appointments, too.
Sporting events are public; anyone and their grandmother can attend. If you want to go, go. Same goes for school recitals, back to school nights, etc. In fact, most schools will offer separate conferences so that both homes are involved in the child’s educational progress and needs. In terms of doctors’ appointments, you can go with a spouse, or have your name added to the child’s file as someone who has a right to medical care and information. It is really no different than having access to a credit card or utility bill that may be solely in your spouse’s name. You can gain information and have some involvement.
4. Your spouse’s visitation time is your spouse’s choice to spend it how they wish.
The ex spouse cannot commit you to anything on your time. This includes sports, doctors’ appointments, birthday parties etc. It is a double edge sword though because if by not taking the child to certain engagements will hurt the child in the process, it is a no win situation. But, by no means are you required to do it.
5. Follow your divorce decree, not the ex’s divorce commands.
It can’t be any more plain stated than this. The divorce decree is your spouse’s bible in a sense. It states what is expected, allowed and forbidden. Non-custodial parents have more rights than most realize, like rights to medical and school records. Do your research.
6. If your spouse and their ex share joint legal and joint physical custody, your spouse’s say is just as important as the ex’s.
One is not more important than the other. In some cases, one parent may have sole physical custody, while both retain joint legal custody. You need to know the differences between these and what type of custody your spouse has.
7. The ex can only control what there is no control over.
If a void is visible, the ex will invade. One place the ex will try to invade is your marriage. This is your territory. Be territorial enough to remind the ex that this is not his or her place, and interference will not be tolerated. Stand your ground.
8. The ex’s issue with you is a reflection of an issue with himself or herself.
Any parent who is content with who he or she is and with his or her level of parental involvement will not limit or control the parenting or involvement of anyone else.
9. In terms of child support, do your own math and research.
Many parents pay more than they should, and feel as though they have to roll over and take it. If your spouse feels there is a substantial change either in his or her income or the ex’s, request a review. If your spouse is on disability or the ex is on disability make sure the child support office is aware. You’d be surprised how many parents overpay because they failed to double check or request a review.
There you have it, nine ways to limit or exclude the ex’s involvement in your home, your marriage and the relationship with your stepkids.
FAQs About Your Ex:
Do exes interfere in former spouses’ lives?
Exes interfere in former spouses’ lives because of a myriad of reasons. Some exes are driven by their narcissistic needs to keep controlling their former spouses and others because of how they view the children should be brought up after divorce.
Does sole legal custody mean my ex controls children?
Sole legal and physical custody means that your ex has an exclusive right to take decisions about your children’s schooling, medical treatment, and religion. This, however, doesn’t mean that she is not required to encourage relationships between your children and other family members.
Can I visit my children’s school if my ex has sole custody?
Any public events at your children’s school are open for you to attend even if your ex has sole custody. These public events include sporting events, school recitals, back to school nights, etc. Keeping in view the well-being of the children of divorced parents, most schools offer separate conferences to keep both the parents involved in their child’s life.
Should your ex tell you what to do with children?
Your ex cannot tell you what to do with your children when it’s your time with them. However, it’s advisable that you work with your ex for the well-being of the children. Many co-parents coordinate with each other so the children don’t feel lost when it comes to homework, schooling, bedtime, discipline, etc.
Do non-custodial parents have less rights than custodial parents?
Non-custodial parents don’t have less rights than custodial parents under the law. When it comes to the well-being of the children, a non-custodial parent can even access school and medical records of his or her children.
How do you handle your ex’s spouse?
- 8 Lessons Learned From My Hubby’s Two Ex Wives
- Stepmothers: 5 Reasons His Ex May Hate You
- StepMom: Part Of Your Modern Family?
- We Welcome with Love… Our New Step-Monster
photo credit: Vampire Diva Queen Sabine via photopin (license)
This is ridiculous, just my point of view, just because someone is an ex does not make them crazy! How about an article about how if you marry some one with children, you need to accept that your new husband has real children with real feelings whom he has an emotional responsibilty to. Just because from my point of view I’m a mom who had children, whose father doesnt have availabiltiy because he’s too busy with his new babies, and his real children are feeling the pain. Not feeling this article at all….
S, I agree with you. There is so much wrong with this article that I don’t even know where to begin. The use of the word “exclude” in relation to the ex and mother of the stepchildren says a lot about the attitude of this writer. Just because someone marries a man with children doesn’t mean the mother of those children can or should be “excluded.” The good news is, the majority of the articles on DivorcedMoms encourage civility and interaction between mom and stepmom.
S, I agree with you. There is so much wrong with this article that I don’t even know where to begin. The use of the word “exclude” in relation to the ex and mother of the stepchildren says a lot about the attitude of this writer. Just because someone marries a man with children doesn’t mean the mother of those children can or should be “excluded.” The good news is, the majority of the articles on DivorcedMoms encourage civility and interaction between mom and stepmom.
Cathy,
I think you read the term in the wrong manner. If you ready my bio, or anything about me you would know I am huge advocate for Stepparents, as I am both a Bio and Stepparent. This is for parents who feel like they have no say where the other parent is involved, that is all. However, it is okay to disagree, right?
S, Of course you are entitled to your point of view as am I in my personal writing. I’m not sure of the difference between real children and real feelings, verses what else you are speaking of? This article is solely in response for parents who get steam rolled by an ex, that is all, and what they can do about it. Not all exes are crazy, and you and I both know their are some really great examples of split parenting and the latter. I am sorry you are not feeling this article. You are welcome to check out my other stuff at my blog – maybe something there will the spot!
I understand that sometimes, there is just no getting along with the mother our your step child and sometimes we need to use our gender super powers to do a little dirty work that the men in our life have been taught to shy away from, but only as a last resort and very, very carefully, smiling, with respect (using my Don Corleone voice). My husband’s ex is a horrible woman, but I’ve come to see that they have worked out a kind of truce that works as long as nothing pushes on it. I’m very careful not to be that force. If I acted with the tone infused in your article, I would be putting my husband in the precarious position of having to choose me and his son. Right or not, better for me or not, it’s just not fair to do that to him.
If they two of them are going to a Dr’s Apt or a parent/teacher meeting together, then I stay home or facilitate in some other way. If we are going to a public event or something that my husband would attend alone, I attend. We get there early and sit with friends to build the buffer that makes us all a bit more comfortable. The guide is what is better for the kid and will make their lives easier.
I love my stepson as my own, but he in fact does have a mother. I need to be somebody else. One way I tried to establish a new boundary with the ex was to invite her into our home. We’ve redecorated step son’s room. Would you like to come see it? We can send hubby out for ice cream and Jr. can give you the tour. You’ll see there are three pictues of you in there. She hasn’t responded, but she’s also stopped throwing rocks and making rediculous demands.
Nine steps to having an acrimonious, disfunctional family unit. Go ahead, try to equate getting into a teen’s medical records as the equivalent of looking at an electric bill, HIPAA be damned. And definitely, refuse to let haircuts, birthdays, doctors appointments, recitals fall on “your weekend”. The best idea is to come on the scene, scour the internet, and try to reach your hand into another mother’s wallet. Screw the agreement the ex-spouses have, you are so smart to mess with the Momma’s nest that way. Here’s who all that hurts least: The ex. You, your husband, and his children the most. But go ahead, make it a founding tablet of your marriage that the “ex is going to invade it”, and see where your covenant ends up. I like my ex’s wife. Not many of us think badly, NOR often, about new wives. Meanwhile, wife 1 is living rent free in your head and you are preparing the castle gates for attack. Not the world I’d want my kids visiting, and I wouldn’t like it, but bully for you. You may believe these ridicolous “secrets” and warp your life by them, but ought to refrain from pretending they are anything but hateful, paranoid, false cues for life.
I disgree with a few parts of this article…
1. My ex-husband’s mistress is not welcomed at any doctor’s appointments, she has no business being there.
2. My divorce decree states that my ex is required to take the girl’s to school/sporting when he has them, his mistress aka wife does not have to attend but my ex is required to take the girls.
3. The fact that I have no respect but pity for the woman who was knowing sleeping with a married man while she herself was married is a reflection on her….
your bitterness is showing and im sure its doing your children sooo much good
Kristine Arnold, you need help. you will ruin your kids with that attitude.
This article is not completely true! My ex is responsible for taking our son to all extracurricular activities (ie: soccer, baseball, football) on his weekends. And he lives 45-50 minutes away.