The darkness that comes from the choice to have an affair overwhelms the light, feeds the anger and never is the solution to what ails the adulterer.
Word on the street is that March is Infidelity Awareness Month. In an effort to make those who have affairs aware of the damage they cause when a simple, although difficult, a conversation would be the better choice, I’ve decided to get a jump on it and bookend my Mistresses – 7 Truths About You post with this one for the adulterous spouse.
While it would be actual magic if the term ‘awareness’ inspired all those who are having affairs to come clean, I am happy to see that steps are being taken to help get humanity over the hump of betrayal. With some space between now and the affair that ended my marriage, I understand how infidelity and betrayal are components of our emotional evolution. There is a purpose to the pain. But in the aftermath of discovery, while the spouse walks around in a daze with visible wounds, the assault often continues. Let’s stop the infidelity, and if we didn’t get in front of that train in time, let’s stop the post-traumatic assault.
1. Affairs Don’t Cure Marital Problems:
You think you have marriage problems so you have an affair? C’mon now, that makes no sense! All marriages have problems. Remaining happily married requires work. We scoff at working at a relationship but pour days and years of effort, toiling and laboring into our jobs. Which is more valuable? If you said job then you ought not be married. And chances are, if you’re cheating, you soon won’t be. My point is that two people who come together to create a committed relationship need to understand that by definition it means that big challenges will need to be met with maturity, and grace and optimism as two people continue on their individual journeys in life. You have an affair when you feel bad about yourself and look for someone else to make you feel better. And since your spouse couldn’t make you feel better you went outside of the marriage. Guess what. That’s not going to work either. In fact, it’s going to make you feel worse in the worst possible way.
2. You Don’t Have a Right To Be Angry About Anything:
The choice to have an affair means you took all the manure in your marriage, scraped it into a huge pile and then put an industrial fan on one side and your spouse on the other. You so know that isn’t going to be well-received. The mystery is – Why are you angry when your spouse asks you to stand with them as the s…tuff flies?
3. Don’t Even Try Stupid Justifications:
Trying to point fingers at the past and justify your affair WILL NOT WORK. You will have to accept that it was your choice to break your marital vow, and that choice overshadows every other problem in your marriage. You’ve now made this an entirely different ballgame. The other one had much simpler rules.
4. Was it Worth The Pain To Your Children?
With that sideways glance, that first kiss, the night you said you were working but you were really frolicking in a hotel room, YOU have single-handedly complicated the crap out of your marriage. But, more importantly to you, because chances are this is all about you, you have royally screwed over yourself and your children, which are of you. Children pay close attention to their parents. Your choice to have an affair is going to have a negative impact on them. Without a doctorate, I am dead certain that is a safe statement to make. They do not want to think of their parent as a liar.
5. Your Ignorance Is Quite Evident:
Your spouse played a role in your life. But he or she did not play a role in your affair. And now your affair partner is playing a role in your marriage. Seriously, could you not see how that is not going to end well?
6. Empathy? Heard Of It?
You lack empathy, so work on that for the sake of yourself and your children, if you have them. If you led with empathy you wouldn’t have had an affair, because you would have been able to sense the level of devastation that comes from betrayal. The good news is that one day your (former) spouse may thank you. But, please don’t ask for that. A little humility goes a long way.
7. Own It!
And there’s a long way to go if your adulterous behavior has just been discovered. The very best thing you can do is to say, I’m sorry, mean it, and then work diligently on your emotional maturation. In other words, grow up. And then heal from the wounds you caused to yourself. Marriages between incompatible people happen all the time. To use that as an excuse to betray someone is – let’s keep this language simple – really, horribly ugly. And here’s what not to say:
- You are responsible for this, too.
- It wasn’t working out anyway.
- Get over it. I have.
- Why are you so angry?
- I should have never married you.
8. Watch What You Do With Your Anger!
Every time you feel angry please go stand in front of a mirror and, with compassion for yourself, deal with it. Your anger belongs to no one else but you and should not be off-loaded onto your (former) spouse or your children.
9. It May Be Time To Do Some Navel-Gazing:
Transformation heals wounds. You and your spouse came together in this life for very important reasons. Choices were made. Hearts broken. If you genuinely want to heal the gaping wounds caused by betrayal, you will need to transform from the person who thought it was okay to harm their spouse into someone who a (former) spouse can trust. And that is where the benefits of infidelity will be realized. Two people changed for the better through incredibly hurtful and difficult circumstances.
Until we evolve beyond betrayal, spouses have the opportunity to spin magic from the aftermath of it. For the one betrayed, they are stripped bare and given a head start on looking at the truth of who they are and how they wish to evolve. For the one who betrayed, they have a much more difficult road. The darkness that comes from the choice to have an affair overwhelms the light, feeds the anger and never is the solution to what ails the adulterer.
Life is not complicated until you yourself complicate it.
FAQs About Infidelity:
Can awareness make people quit affairs?
Realization more than awareness can make people quit affairs. Most people are aware of the fact that affairs amount to betraying their partners, but they still happily go ahead with it. Realization of the fact that affairs devastate relationships and families, besides permanently damaging one’s own image, can help dissuade people from having affairs.
Why does infidelity and betrayal cause so much pain?
Infidelity and betrayal cause so much pain because these are tied to our emotional evolution. The acts of infidelity and betrayal wounds the core of our relationships, and causes trauma to our partners.
Will my spouse quit the affair after I find out about it?
It’s unlikely that your spouse quits his affair after you find out about it.
Do people cheat because of marital problems?
Marital problems don’t make people cheat on their spouses—it’s just a lame excuse. Any healthy relationship will have problems, which require both the partners to work actively to solve them. Marital problems aggravate because of cheating.
When do people go for affairs?
People have affairs when they feel bad about themselves and want others to make them feel good about themselves.
Can I justify my affair to my spouse?
By trying to justify your affair to your spouse, you will surely make matters worse in case you are interested in having your relationship back on track. Admit that you betrayed your spouse’s trust and want to repair your relationship at all costs.
Do parents’ affairs influence children?
Parents’ affairs have a negative impact on children, who look up to them as their role models.
Are cheaters devoid of empathy?
Had cheaters been not devoid of empathy, they would not have been having affairs that destroy relationships, destroy families and leave a negative impact on children.
How do I recover from an adulterous behavior?
Admit that your adulterous behavior had been the biggest mistake of your life and commit to leaving no stone unturned to rehabilitate yourself and your relationship with your partner.
How to deal with anger during an affair?
Try to avoid taking your anger out on anyone else if you feel you are losing your calm during your affair. Whatever you are feeling—be it regret or feeling of discomfort—you have to deal with it yourself. Get professional help if you can’t!
Do affairs help solve problems for some people?
Affairs are never a solution to any problem because these are ethically, morally, and legally wrong. Affairs only complicate matters more.
What does betrayal mean for the cheated spouse?
Betrayal means the cheated spouse will feel emotionally hurt and experience self-defeating thoughts. It also is an opportunity for the cheated spouse to rethink their relationship and how they wish to evolve.
Cleo,
I’ve been reading your articles for months, now, and I finally got the nerve to sign in to reply. This particular posting really hits home. Your articles sound like the voice of my inner world – you know exactly what I’m thinking and feeling. It’s difficult to talk to people who haven’t been through this. They are supportive and caring, but the “depth” of the pain from this can only be known through experiencing it.
Thank you for putting yourself “out there” for the benefit of women like me who sometimes feel like this is a really lonely place to be.
P, I am so grateful you took the time to comment. Sometimes it feels lonely for me, too, and I consider writing about puppies and rainbows. Then I remind myself that someone HAS to speak up for how it feels to be betrayed so we can create a movement: Have conversations, not affairs. I’m grateful to have the opportunity to speak up on behalf of all those who have experienced betrayal. Stay close, P. Love yourself, Cleo
I totally agree. I wish my ex wife could have read this before she started shagging around with someone else and abandoned our two daughters.
Thank you for writing this.
You hit the nail right on the head….I often describe my situation as marriages take work, if there are problems, both should own up, no one is perfect, yada yada…but in the end, after 25 years of marriage, choices had to be made and he chose his secretary. Life has gone on, I’ve made peace with most of it…but never with the effect it had on our kids and there is a little arsenal of anger grenades that go off inside me now and again particularly when he refuses to speak to me about anything whatsoever, as if I am the one who did something wrong… I know it’s his own guilt that drives that, but it’s sad just the same, especially for the kids. They’re grown but their life is ever so much more complicated running between two non-speaking parents… It’s frustrating. It’s infuriating. And it’s just plain dumb. And oddly enough, the kids tell me they don’t think he’s particularly happy….I guess the great Erma Bombeck was right “The grass is always greener over the septic tank”.
Why are you asking your kids if their dad is happy? Is it because you want to hear he is unhappy to settle down you own unhappiness? Some kind of approval? None of your business if he’s happy or not, he is not with you anymore. Judging by the way you write, and the things you said, the reason why he avoids you might be because you are needy. Too needy even when there is no reason to talk, this is because you are deeply unhappy and not over his life choice of leaving you behind.
Enough is enough, you are really missing the essence of what Katie had to say. She is not needy, she is angry, because 2 peoples’ selfishness (and frankly, probably with a thought process that sounds like yours) and dishonesty changed her life and her kids lives without their input. Forever.
So you are saying that if you are profoundly unhappy in your marriage, you are doomed to stay in it because its “the right thing to do”?
My wife is boring and lazy, no efforts are put from her side to do anything new, she doesnt work (and finds a ton of manipulating excuses on why she cant) as she leeches money daily from my bank accout to buy herself whatever she pleases.
ive done everything in my power to lead a good happy family, but now I wonder if I am actually happy myself.
I met a woman that has a strong independent character, is full of life, loves to smile and live life optimistically. She is a classy lovley lady and we talk for hours each day.
she is very intelligent and we share a ton of stories, obviously not with my wife as her objective is to stay at home and watch tv all day.
I am sorry, but i dont agree with your article. I am not going to live the rest of my life in a box of crap just because “its the right thing to do”. I worked on my marriage for more then then years, i had enough.
I wish your wife could read this. So that she can improve on the areas you find her lacking.
I hope you find the courage to her this truth and save your marriage – she can be the adventurous wife you crave for , but sometimes , a little painful truth helps hasten the process.
Then divorce your wife if you’re so unhappy, THEN pursue a relationship with this woman. What you’re doing by sneaking around with someone else and complaining to her and us anonymously about your wife is cowardly and cruel.
So get a divorce. The point is, having an affair is unethical, manipulative and cruel. Be honorable and honest. Get a divorce.
and you are an egotistical a*s to think that she is completely at fault for the break down of your marriage. If you put effort in to talking with your wife instead of the whore that thinks its ok to flirt with a married man (and remember, if she is doing it to you while your married, just wait until you are her boyfriend/husband. She will continue being whore) you might figure out why you married your wife. You also might figure out that you both are not compatible and you can walk away with dignity knowing you are not a cheating pig. But good luck with that. Cheaters never think about anyone else but themselves….me, me, me…..you are a f*@#! boy, try being a man….
Clearly enough is enough you have comprehension problems or you’re deliberately obtuse. The author isn’t suggesting that you stay miserable in your marriage. Since you’re clearly unable to reason, let me make it simple for you.
Pull up your big boy panties, have an adult conversation with your wife and then find a divorce lawyer to procure a hasty divorce. It’s shockingly easy to do so in most countries. Anything else and you’re a cake eating, loser. Does that sum up things for you?
It’s called divorce your spouse due to being unhappy. A new relationship should begin AFTER divorce is final NOT while your married. That is wrong is you have any morals or values. Over all your leaving your wife/family for your affair partner, flat out, can’t justify it in any way so own it
I wish my wife would read this… She felt she wasn’t happy and decided that straying and starting a whole separate life with another man in the end was the solution.
We are in the midst of our separation and she tries to tell me that it wasn’t my fault… but nothing heals the pain of betrayal. I know I need to move on and let go… but when she gets mad.. is quick to point fingers at the past and it becomes my fault again.
I feel for my kids as they are about to embark in probably the worst experience of their lives to date… I only hope I can be there for them and help them get past it.
Couldn’t have said that any better myself. Bravo!