Over one year ago, I packed up my life and left my husband as I attempted to begin reclaiming and rebuilding my life. I had many doubts and fears when I initially left him. Today, I happily celebrate these four valuable lessons that I have learned from leaving.
When a woman discovers the courage to end an unhealthy and unhappy marriage, the world breaks open before her feet with endless opportunities. The universe abhors a vacuum, therefore what we lose is always replaced by a lesson of greater value.
These are the 4 most valuable lessons that I learned when I left my husband:
1. My choices are mine and mine alone.
I own my choices without regret. I did not leave for the love of another person. I did not stay for the sake of the children. I found the will to embrace my feminine power and I made the decision for myself.
When we choose to make ourselves happy by prioritizing our own needs, everyone we love will eventually benefit. I promise.
When I decided to leave my husband, I chose to embark upon the most difficult journey possible. This path would eventually set me free.
I learned that the choice is always mine and that the hard road is always the most liberating.
2. The people that were meant to remain in my life had willingly endured the heartache alongside me.
The people that I had outgrown inevitably fell away.
We have special people in our lives for a reason, a season, or forever. We won’t know the duration upon meeting and loving them.
Divorce was a huge testament to the character and dedication of my family and friends.
There were those people that were ready and willing to take on my incessant tears, sit with me on the floor, stack boxes, and pack my stuff. Others made the choice to narrowly squeak in a welfare check. Many judged. Few had even asked for my version of the story.
I was indeed surprised by the ones that ultimately disappointed me.
People eventually revealed their true selves to me on their own.
I learned to trust the process.
3. When I was painfully honest with myself and my ex-husband, I bestowed upon him the greatest gift.
The truth hurts. The truth will also set you free.
By following my heart, my ex-husband suddenly became free to discover his own true love. We then both began to each live a life of truth and happiness.
When I was finally honest with myself and realized how unhappy I truly felt in the marriage, I was then able to begin the process of building the life that I now love. So was he.
When we get honest with ourselves and openly admit the true desires of our own hearts, the world suddenly breaks open before us. The world becomes our oyster.
I learned that honesty is ultimately the best policy for everyone involved.
4. I vow to maintain my essence for me.
When I first left the security of my nuclear family, my house, and my marriage the world initially seemed so shaky and unstable. Everything felt new and unfamiliar. Then I returned to the essence of me.
I dove back into the deep waters of the person that I had primarily lost, myself.
I returned to my childhood hobbies that I had put on hold for the sake of the marriage. I began writing and reading once again. I happily rediscovered my old interests like dancing, travel, and bubble baths.
I rejoiced once again in the many gifts that set my soul on fire.
I learned that I always need a full and passionate life of my own that I may safely return to, with or without a partner by my side.
Over one year ago, I packed up my life and left my husband as I attempted to begin reclaiming and rebuilding my life. I had many doubts and fears when I initially left him. Today, I happily celebrate these four valuable lessons that I have learned from leaving.
The author John Green shares, “It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.”
FAQs About Marriage And Divorce:
Should women give priority to their own needs?
Women should give priority to their own needs in order to maintain their health and state of emotions. A healthy woman means a healthy family.
What happens when you end a bad marriage?
When you end a bad marriage, you set yourself free of all the troubles you faced in your relationship. However, prepare yourself for a difficult journey—the one that would put you to test emotionally as well as financially.
How would people behave if I end an unhappy marriage?
People would bring to fore their true nature when you end an unhappy marriage. Some will comfort you emotionally, many will judge, and some will help you out financially.
Should I be honest about being unhappy in my marriage?
You will not be able to live a fulfilling life if you are not honest about being unhappy in your marriage.
What will I do after I leave an unhappy marriage?
You may feel lost at first after leaving a bad marriage, but you will learn to live and love for sure. Here’s what one woman says about her experience: “I drove back into the deep waters of the person that I had primarily lost, myself. I returned to my childhood hobbies that I had put on hold for the sake of the marriage. I began writing and reading once again. I happily rediscovered my old interests like dancing, travel, and bubble baths.I rejoiced once again in the many gifts that set my soul on fire.”
Great article. Touched my heart. Thankyou.
I myself am in the same boat with two little ones and reading this has been very uplifting. Thank you.
Thank you! Thank you! Your words uplifted my heart and give me faith that I can do this. Bless your beautiful spirit for trusting yourself to do what is truly best for you despite the challenges that were ahead. It sounds like it has been worth it. You sound happy and at peace. Thank you for going toward your truth. You help me move towards mine.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and your personal strength. It is without a doubt touching and true.
Katie – This is such an amazing and touching story. Exactly what I needed to read. What a gift.
Wishing you many blessings with your new life and opportunities!
I Think it is important to add that our emotions deceive us, or in other words, our hearts are evil upon adulthood. This is why philosophy teaches us to apply virtues to the choices we make in life before our emotions! Biblically, through faith, “God grants us a new heart, a heart of God.” The heart is a religious construct and is comprised of our thoughts, emotions and feelings! Thus, when we are told to follow our hearts, this advice means to follow the guidance of God! It does not mean to follow our guts! The lessons are the same! Divine law and/or philosophical virtues must come first in the choices we make in life! Otherwise, get used to confusion and as many positives in life as negatives! No one is going to be happy all the time within a marriage because there are more important pieces to a marriage than Love, yet Love is why we focus on these other pieces…children, foundations, financial freedom etc! Love won’t fill you with positive emotions all the time, nor does love need to! My opinion is that you convinced yourself unhappiness surrounded your life and created justifications to explain why, blaming your marriage! You left your marriage to chase happiness, but happiness must exist inside of you and must be built within a relationship! I agree with the last poster! In the long run, I doubt you will feel like you did at the time of this article! You will likely look back with sadness and hate the choices you have made…unless God and the great minds of men are all wrong!
What about the great minds of women? What role do women’s minds and ability to think for themselves play? Or, do your Christian values teach you that women are to be subservient? I know this author personally and I’m happy to report that 4 years after her divorce, she is happy and content with her life. Her husband has remarried and from all outward appearances is enjoying his life with his new wife. So, when push comes to shove, you don’t know what you’re talking/typing about.
If a person is unhappy within their relationship but they choose not to share their emotions and how they feel with their partner until the prospect of divorce becomes inevitable, the problem is “the role of one’s mind and one’s ability to think for themselves.” Truth is the foundation of a relationship and the virtues which comprise Love! A person who can’t communicate how they feel or what they need & want with uncompromising honesty is setting their relationship up for failure. Emotions “kept inside” will eventually influence the mind and one’s perceptions about their life, relationship, and themselves! Would you argue that nothing would have been different within this marriage if both partners enjoyed daily open & truthful communication? You have “hinted” that my comments are “sexist” but you have done this without basis! Just because this article was written by a woman and I quoted scripture, does not mean that I hold woman to a different standard than men or take every piece of scripture literally. I assure you that my comments apply equally to both men & woman! The fact that your friend has learned and become a better partner or person in her post-divorce life does not mean I am incorrect! Wisdom creates biblical love and this type of love is a unification of virtues and a large part of a person’s character! Do you think communication & truth are important to a relationship? If so, is it not unwise to keep such things from a relationship? Do you think you friend Loved her husband? Her kids certainly, but if she Loved her husband, at any point, she would not have walked away! I am sure she still cares about him! I am sure she was “in love” with him for part of their relationship! Yet true Love or biblical love is not an ideal that is felt, but rather, absolutes that reside within the mind (or a person’s character), forged during childhood and later, with wisdom. I have no doubt your friend felt unhappy, but this is not the question. The question is, “would she have been unhappy if she “did everything right” inside of her relationship, opposed to allowing her emotions to fester, an act that lends itself to justifying changes in one’s life that may seem correct in the moment but ultimately, may not best serve one’s life! Moreover, would she be happier now had she acted differently! Your friend can say she has “no regrets,” yet people who have no regrets don’t dwell on the past nor take the time to write articles like this one! I could be wrong regarding your friend because every situation is different and I don’t know all the details! However, if your friend is truthful with you, I would guess she still thinks about what could have existed if she had made a different choice! There is likely more truth to my words than you think! The person your friend has become does not mean I am wrong about who she was! People can change! Wrong or right, most are going to make their lives work. Many people learn valuable lessons from divorce and are much different in later relationships. I am talked about who she was and what is likely in the future, not about who she is now. There is a reason 80% of people regret their divorce. Add adultery to the mix, which doesn’t apply in this case, and you get an obscured reality and a clouded mind, bot of which makes accurate reflection on the past difficult, thus influencing a person’s ability to learn! My OPINION (so I could be wrong), based on my 30 years of counseling, is that your friend is justifying & glorifying her ability to “wake up and admit to herself she was not happy.” Emboldened by this realization, she told herself “there is so much more to life!” …and there is! There is no sense staying in an unhappy relationship! However, she made this decision without being truly vulnerable! Yes, leaving a marriage makes a person vulnerable! This is not what I mean. I mean putting everything on the table and being totally truthful with a partner. I mean giving a relationship EVERYTHING before throwing in the towel to insure one’s mind knows itself! I always say God and the past know us all better than we know ourselves! This is especially true when we are faced with difficult decisions in life. If your friend would have “put it all on the line” for a couple years and nothing changed, then sure, leave! If a partner doesn’t reciprocate these efforts, then there is no point to suffering an unhappy life! If she would have done this before leaving, I doubt I would be replying to this article in the present! Based on what she wrote, she never was the person she is now inside of her marriage…this is a realization that does carry regrets!
How do you know she didn’t do “all this” before leaving? She was married for decades, I’m sure she expressed her unhappiness to her husband and, he, as most men do, ignored her. Stop coming here and evangelizing and projecting your own situation off on to others. What you say doesn’t make one iota of a difference to the women where.
How do I know she didn’t do “all this” before leaving?
Because she wrote, “By following my heart, my ex-husband suddenly became free to discover his own true love. We then both began to live a life of truth and happiness. When I was finally honest with myself and realized how unhappy I truly felt in the marriage, I was then able to begin the process of building the life that I now love. So was he. I learned that honesty is ultimately the best policy for everyone involved.”
Yes, I am reading between the lines. I already admitted I could be wrong because I don’t know the circumstances of this situation. All I know is what I have read.
In reading the above, it appears she was truthful with herself, decided she was not happy in her marriage, set off to find happiness (usually a bad idea), and set her husband free to explore the same. It is implied that she was not truthful with her husband because she was not truthful with herself! She says, “when I was FINALLY honest with myself.” She goes on to say, “we both BEGAN to live a life of TRUTH & HAPPINESS. This implies it was NOT this way within the marriage! Why not???
What I have deduced from reading this article is that she was unhappy for a long time, didn’t openly & truthfully talk to her husband about her issues, and made an emotional decision to leave her marriage, most likely before she should have! Perhaps she thinks she tried to tell her husband how she felt. Perhaps she did tell her husband how she felt. Perhaps what she thought was “a clear call for changes” didn’t register in her Husband’s mind until she left. I obviously do not know this information, but this isn’t about him, it is about her!
She goes onto say, “here were those people who were ready and willing to take on my incessant tears, sit with me on the floor, stack boxes, and pack my stuff. Others made the choice to narrowly squeak in a welfare check. Many judged. Few had even asked for my version of the story.”
Yes, the end of most marriages will be difficult & turbulent time, however, should a truly positive life-changing event warrant such tears or shoulders to cry on? Think of all the good things in life which create happiness & butterflies! How many of them require support & tears! If she was truly prepared & ready to leave her marriage, why did these traumatic emotions accompany her decision? Why is she writing about her experience years later? Does she want to help others leave similar unhappy marriages? According to the statistics, those who overcome the valleys in their marriages end up happier. This is a completely lopsided statistic and thus, this statement is beyond contestation! By her own admission, she never tried truthfulness in her marriage…it wasn’t until the onset of divorce that truthfulness became a way of life for her!
She is correct, truthfulness should be an absolute in any relationship! A spouse should be a best friend and truth should come easily & openly, always! It is not the best policy, it is the ONLY policy! Yet, truth can be difficult to maintain within a relationship that wasn’t built on truth! We become accustomed to our relationships. We lose track of each other’s emotions. We fail to communicate. We can lose everything which describes two people as best friends. We can fall out of Love, which is irrelevant when there is Love, a unification of virtue, for true Love will promote the reemergence of the feelings of “being in Love.” It takes constant work. Constant truth. Constant communication. One must be forever vigilant of their partner’s feelings. All these things and more, including all of the virtues which comprise Love, are forged with wisdom & truth.
After a divorce, everyone will eventually overcome, build a new life, and attempt to find happiness. I am happy that both parties in this story are seemingly happy now, but this doesn’t mean her choices were wise or she is without regrets. I realize this statement is in complete opposition to what she wrote, but my opinion is based on her words.
I am not projecting my own situation. I have never been divorced, but I have been very happily married for 23 years. My sister-in-law was in a very similar situation. She was adamant about her choice to leave her twelve-year marriage. She was unhappy for a variety of reasons! She has two daughters, ages seven and nine. She thought she had tried everything to make her marriage work. However, she was also “all emotion” and wasn’t rationally thinking about the consequences of her choices to come. She was hooked on the idea that life is too short to not be happy. My wife & I counselled them for months. I talked to her about life, the human mind, Love, and how emotions can place us onto a path that may seem “so right” in the moment, but ultimately a path that may not be the best decision. My wife talked to him about everything he was doing wrong. They both worked on themselves. They both worked on their relationship. They communicated what they didn’t like with uncompromising honesty. They developed a new schedule with date nights, family nights & extracurricular activities such tennis & workout time. They allotted time each day to communicate with each other, making plans, setting goals, discussing the future, & working hard on their connection & intimacy. A year later, she is happy she made the decision to work on the marriage and he is happy she gave him a chance to make her happy. They both had their own issues and they have fixed most of them with the support of each other. Everything is getting better for them by the week. It was she who asked me to reply to this article. She was interested in the responses as she and her husband continue to learn and forge a strong marriage.
Yes, all situations are different, however, any choice to end a marriage in haste or without truthfulness, counselling or “trying everything” is typically going to be the wrong decision. Life is short, so why would anyone make a choice to end a marriage without being POSITIVE they are making the correct choice? A life, no matter what it becomes after a divorce, will be lessened by any lingering regrets or “what ifs.” This is true of any regret in life. Sure, one can equally regret not taking a shot at a new life. Life is short, but there is a time for everything and we have a lot of it! A choice to end a marriage is not a choice that can be easily remedied if it becomes the wrong choice. And, it becomes the wrong choice OFTEN! So try everything first! If nothing changes, then leave! There is time for a new life, but this doesn’t work in reverse. Far to often, men and woman make emotional choices they regret later. In this case, all I can state is the obvious. From what she wrote, it sounds as if she kept her unhappiness inside and left too soon. To me, opposed to giving good advice or a testament to what typically occurs post-divorce, this article is more of her attempt to prove to herself that she made the correct choice, overcame, has learned from her experience, and is a better & wiser person today. Again, it is unlikely a person would write an article discussing the past, in this way, unless the past is still entwined with their current existence. You can call this article a reflection of the past to celebrate lessons learned or an empowering message to women, yet a person who has moved on completely, who fully supports their own choices or the way they implemented their choices, will be focused on the future opposed to the past. Additionally, if this was truly a great decision for her life, few life-altering lessons would have been learned in the process. Moreover, whatever lessons were gained were surely not lessons applied to her marriage.
Evangelism? I quoted very little scripture and I doubt anyone would truthfully think my posts were an attempt to usher in new members of Christianity. I stated many of the lessons of faith and philosophy are great guidance for life because they instruct us to make rational & wise choices opposed to emotional ones. The entire point of such guidance is that, at times, especially vulnerable times, it is difficult to understand ourselves. It is easy to make emotional choices that we will regret later in life. God doesn’t matter, nor do the great thinkers of the past. Such lessons are valid lessons, for the negative consequences of not listening to such guidance mirrors what is observed in life, including the statistics! If leaving a marriage didn’t result in regret, remorse, and tears, most of the time…well, no one, including myself, would believe in God or read philosophy! And a person doesn’t need to believe in God to live per God’s instruction! You can look at faith and philosophy as just guidance! Lessons to follow in life, deduced from observing what usually happens as a result of the choices we make! We are given this guidance, thankfully, so we can avoid making the same mistakes as our ancestors. Yet the past repeats itself because the past isn’t reflected upon as often as it should be!
I will say this. Every choice is going to work itself out in time. No one is going to sit around in anguish or sulk forever. Everyone, at some point, will pick themselves up from their falls & failings, make the most out of their lives, celebrate the good, and find peace & happiness. This is the truth. However, it is equally important to live with as few regrets as possible. To not have too many “what ifs” hanging over one’s head. To live for Love & integrity. To be proud of oneself, forge a strong character, and be pleased with the choices we’ve made in life. I won’t post again per your request, however, I was merely posting a response to what I read. Sometimes, leaving is a good choice. In this case, I think it was the wrong choice and if not, she acted far too soon. I am glad it worked out. I am glad she can share her story. I am glad she has learned a lot from her experiences. However, I doubt I am wrong about her regrets. She may not regret leaving, but it appears to me anyways, that she regrets not trying harder before leaving and perhaps, also how she handled her divorce (which is a guess as this is somewhat implied in her writing).
So your past 50 and left your husband whom you swore “till death do us part” Did he commit adultery or beat you ? Drug addict or alcoholic ? Why did you leave ? Your divorce ‘story’ lacks substance and no facts as to WHAT really happened. The only thing we learn about your divorce is that you were not happy until you got a divorce. Now you claim to be ‘happy’. And this is supposed to be inspirational or instructive ? It is neither. All about me, me, me. Seems as if your celebrating the divorce without expressing even a shred of sadness. That in itself is sad. Amazing how you twisted your divorce into being some sort of litmus test concerning the “character and commitment” of others. That right there is accusatory and arrogant on your part. Your divorce has nothing to do with other peoples character and EVERYTHING to do with the character / commitment or lack thereof of 2 people; you and your ex-husband. If he didn’t cheat and didn’t beat you then YOU are the one who lacks character and whose word can’t be trusted. If he cheated and or beat you then his character is lacking to say the least.