My soon to be 20-year-old daughter is driving down my driveway as I start to write this. It is a warm August morning and everything is glistening in the fresh dew of a new dawn. I wanted to write to you all as quickly as I could… while the raw and overwhelming emotions are still bubbling up within me.
I see you sweet, sad mama. I see your pain and I feel your despair and I want my words to surround you and uphold you during all the darkness… and reassure you… the sun will shine again… you will be okay, your babies will be okay… the sun will shine once again upon you all, more beautifully than it ever had before… More beautifully than you could ever imagine.
My daughter is a child of divorce. Not just divorce, but a High Conflict Divorce. All my children and I are survivors of a high conflict divorce crafted by a brilliant Covert Narcissist. Need I say more?
Those of you who have lived a similar fate, need no further explanation.
And those who have not… well, sometimes we can try to explain the details of what we and especially our children have endured at the hands of a crafty covert narcissist… but, if you have not personally experienced it… it’s hard to imagine the depth and breadth of maniacal effort he will expend to ruin the lives of the people he is supposed to love and protect (ie. their own children!!!).
Because all that matters to him is that he wins… at all cost. He has no regard for the trail of debris he leaves along his path. The damage they leave behind means nothing to them, they’re only focused on their new supply.
Their lifelong mantra is:
- Hurt, Decimate or Ignore those people who can no longer “help me”… be of “service to me”… “make me look good”.
- Focus on manipulating my present and future… by pleasing only those people who can provide me with ways and opportunities that will “help me”… be of “service to me”… “make me look good”.
High Conflict Divorce Steals Moments Of Joy
The high conflict divorce stole my daughter’s childhood and robbed us of all the happy-memory-making-mother-daughter moments I’d always dreamed of sharing with my daughter.
She was only 10 years old when the horror of our high conflict divorce began and the second half of this precious child’s life was basically a nightmare, from which I had no way to save her. I couldn’t save any of my kids, because I couldn’t save myself.
I wish I could change the past.
I wish I was stronger, smarter, more clever, more crafty, more conniving… but I wasn’t.
And instead, allowed myself and my children to literally be dragged through the filthy, ugly, cold and dark corridors within the Halls of Justice of our broken Family Court System for almost TEN loooong years… by a covert narcissist who used and manipulated a broken system to break us.
Unfortunately, what happened today didn’t change the past.
But, it did something better…
After so many years of tears, frustration, fear and anxiety, so much pain and hours of therapy.
After a long overdue visit between mother and daughter.
After all of that…
As the warm morning sun shone down upon us, while we hugged goodbye standing in my driveway… During that loving embrace we both experienced a Moment of Magic.
Those Moments of Joy Will Return
Even though we’d both worked very hard to get there… (each in our own way)… and we both prayed and wished for this moment of magic… (each in our own way)… never knowing “when” it would happen, yet always believing it would….
It did happen.
Today!
After a decade of wishing I could’ve prevented or changed all the horrible moments and mourning all the happy moments we missed… We were finally given an incredible gift… the gift of feeling a moment of magic in the present.
We shared a mother-daughter moment of magic when we finally both felt truly healed… the moment when our souls and hearts finally re-connected and felt full and whole again.
In the past, we were broken.
In the present, we are healed.
And the future holds so much promise.
I want those of you… who are now in the depths of pain and despair to know… there will be a moment of magic.
It may take a year or ten or more… but it will happen.
You and your children will endure the destruction, and after everything has been destroyed and burned to the ground by your covert narcissist ex… The Sun Will Shine Again.
New life will rise from the rubble… your lives will be rejuvenated.
You and your children will heal. Have hope and faith you will make it through. Believe me, you will have your moment of magic.
It will happen.
Thank you for this. It was much needed today after my day started at 1.30 am due to fear of my sociopathic narcissistic ex. We’ve only be going seven months but in that time he has me and my four children beyond repair. He’s dragging me to the very depths of a full blown custody trial!! This is someone that maybe spent ten percent of the year with the kids while we were married!! Now he wants at least 50/50. I am nearing $70k in fees already and he’s determined to put us out on the street. So thank you, you lifted me a little.
Natasha, you know all too well the layers & layers of pain the Narc causes his ex and children… ESPECIALLY, After the Divorce.
Stay strong… In the end, the only solace is knowing their destruction simply poisons their own soul.
Focus on keeping yours Pure. ♥️
Wow, I think we have led parallel lives. I am in the middle of a divorce with an alcoholic narcissist, the only difference thank goodness is my kids are 21 and 18. The gaslighting, crazy thinking, entitlement and belief they are above the law is astounding. I too gave up a very upscale life full of a loneliness few can understand for life on a farm full of everyday real moments. Praying for strength to make it to the end.
My favorite line in your comment is:
“I too gave up a very upscale life full of a loneliness few can understand for life on a farm full of everyday real moments.”
So real, so raw and oh so TRUE!!
You have a very strong spirit… continue to walk along your path— away from the Narc and towards the simple, pure joys found in Nature!! ☀️
Maybe someone will read this. Maybe not. Its worth the try. I’ve been living in the hell that these men generally can afford. Meaning. They’re usually higher income and have the right lawyers who are networked throughout Texas with judges.
It’s not just about the narcs. Trust me. But the NETWORK. This mother obviously has a light at the end of the tunnel. But there’s mom’s like me whose ex can afford more than an expensive lawyer. He had a well connected political associated lawyer who is owned by an Intel Contractor. Yup. They’re all throughout your yellow pages listed as “private investigators”. And charge $1000+ per day. They are anti mother’s because anyone who was married to a person of wealth is a gold digger. No matter what prenup you sign. It’s not MEN it’s the network of Corruption that’s branched down to the wealthiest states. Texas being one. They can and have and will use the entire network nationally that goes into every body of Government that they can abuse. I’m a hostage. The more I spoke up. The worse my life became. I don’t want to go into details. I will never see happiness again with all they did. And my daughter is controlled by the attorney and the estate of vast wealth bequeathed to her by his parents and him since his death last year. Yup. I know too much, I have a big mouth, and now I’m living a slow death.
Here’s a pointer to help yourself though. Rachel Alexander. She wrote a book “How to never pay that bitch a dime of child support again”. It’s there Psyops tool. And read Keith’ Harmon Snow webWebs on Pedophilia in the Justice System and DR.LORI HANDRAHANS WEBSITE FOR MORE INSIGHT.
GOIG LUCK.
Your comment shines a light on the root of the problem.
It begins with an individual (usually a narc) who feels entitled to ‘win’ at all cost.
And they will do anything to Hurt, Desimate, Ignore and most of all DISCREDIT those who no longer help them to get what they want or make them ‘look good’.
And our broken Family Court System is the perfect platform for them.
It is a tandem approach.
So many lives have been ruined by the injustice of it all, it is hard to even put into words because those who have not personally seen or experienced the corrupt manipulation… simply cannot believe such injustice actually exists!!! Especially in ‘Family’ Court!!!
Thank you for your candid honesty!! ♥️
A few comments,
1. Shared role A whole lot of these involve both parties.
2. Recognize patterns Some of these divorces involve one party seeking to restore the marriage or punish the spouse. Recognize that and realize that you may simply have to ignore him or her.
3. Constructive resolution Lawyers are valued on their toughness. You have to go beyond the lawyers to find solutions that do not involve undo cost.
Thank you…thank you! I needed this as well. Having gone through 5 years of custody and divorce battle and sadly still have another 10 years of custody with my you heat to go. Some days I feel like giving up and just stopping but then I look at my youngest son and see the sadness in his eyes, knowing that he is not fully happy and there is hurt and confusion why he can’t be with his mom more often and is forced to go to his dads. It’s painful! Especially when he is asking me to pick him up. I pray everyday for his father to see past the money to only see that his son is not okay, not happy and to stop the manipulation he does. I pray one day it will. Until then I persevere stay strong ladies…..god and peace be with you all.
Nicole,
You couldn’t have stated it any better:
“I pray everyday for his father to see past the money to only see that his son is not okay, not happy and to stop the manipulation he does.”
WOW… from your mouth to God’s ears… i still can not understand how these “men” do not have the empathy to value the well being for their OWN children before their own selfish monitery needs.
And the crazy part, is how they will spin the truth and reality to absolve themselves from any responsibility……..
So true. They do rob you of what could have been. I tried my best to make things happy for my kids as they were growing up, and I hope they can remember them. Sadly, I endured 15 years of this. Now my daughter is in her early 20s and thinks I lied to her all of those years so we’re estranged. My son is 18 and still has contact with me.
Michele… My heart breaks for you, because few can understand the terrible destruction caused by a narcassistic ex.
However, I personally share your suffering.
If only they could walk away from the marriage and remain responsible for the well being of their childen… there would be so much less pain and suffering. ❤️
If only.
I can relate to all of this as I endured 8 1/2 years of custody battle hell against my ex who was an abusive, narcissistic, alcoholic, drug addict who also happened to be a lawyer, In spite of testimony of physical abuse and his substance abuse, the system kept giving him chance after chance at my children’s expense. The oldest 2 were spared some as they were over 18, the younger two endured the years of the conflict. I fought hard, filed bankruptcy, worked three jobs, lost our home, and finally prevailed. I kept primary custody the entire time and finally succeeded to have visits stopped when the kids absolutely refused to go due to the drinking and abuse.
I tried to maintain some semblance of normalcy for the kids in spite of endless custody evaluations, therapists, and courtrooms. I kept them in their activities, had their friends over, did sleep overs, baked cookies, and reassured them they were loved even by their father in spite of his behavior and issues. I didn’t always handle it well, it’s hard when you aren’t sure how the electric is staying on and your are wondering where you will be living in a month. My kids went from living in luxury to living in a small apartment, we really did lose it all financially which was the goal of my ex. But I tried to keep the kids optimistic and understanding that life went in waves sometimes and we tried to believe that no matter what or where we lived, the most important things were that we were together, safe and we could choose our happiness or not. Fortunately, my children chose to use their experiences to become stronger people, and remain optimistic and happy.
Even when I finally won custody and we relocated to another state to get away from our abuser and my son had to leave his high school at the end of his junior year and my daughter at the end of her 8th grade year, they understood that it was for our own good. I eventually had to obtain a permanent restraining order against my ex when he came after us in our new state. He also finally lost his law license after his 4th arrest. I spent 8 1/2 years battling him and his crazy antics and the system, who all along had his back and refused to believe that one of theirs could have fallen so low, because I knew protecting my kids was worth it.
I rebuilt our lives and our finances, and today, my kids are 21 and 18 and they feel that their experience was very difficult, but they also know that they have inner strength and perspective that many people never gain. And they want to do so much better for their kids one day in the future. We survived by being a team. We fought the system and the wrong their dad was doing together. When the Judge scolded me for not engaging in parenting counseling with my ex, I stood firm. Counseling with a narcissistic, substance abuser and my abuser was something I was not going to do because it would have been pointless. I refused to have contact with my ex as that was destructive to my mental health. I fought for my kids and what they deserved; happiness and peace.
If you are going through this, please know that you can survive it and I wish you the strength, the tenacity and the calmness required to keep your kids happy, healthy and safe. My son recently came to me and said, “You know mom, it was the hardest thing in the world to leave our town when I was in high school, but it was the best decision we ever made and I’m so glad we did it. We got peace and happiness.” Wishing you all the best! Good luck and stay strong!
Been a month since my 11 year olds dad came and took her per the family court judge ordering 90 day black out against mother primary care giver for 11 years child refused visits with dad for 2 years therapist filled cps report against dad for reasons child gave she didn’t want to go on visits then a judge orders her to not see her mom for 90 days I’m dying inside. I get to talk to her 2xs a week but its so hard. I worry non-stop about her and what this is doing to her.
Dawn,
Our system is SO BROKEN. Sometimes our only recource is to trust there is a higher power than the courts… place your child in the Palm of Gods Hand. Trust. ♥️