Even as a relationship coach, I don’t know everything – I’m fairly certain of that. I do not make this phrase in homage to a higher power nor to sound introspective in some smug pretentious way.
I say this because this weekend I really needed your advice. And by ‘your’ I’m referring to everY one of you that reads this web page or any other web page that this article may be shared on.
This weekend I cried. I felt tremendous pain. I felt delinquent in my responsibilities. I felt like the relationship between me and my daughter was flashing before my eyes. And I know a great deal of you have felt my pain.
So what happened you ask?
Before I go there, a bit of context is warranted. I pride myself for being emotionally available, connected and very close with my 14-year-old daughter. And, with the exception of a few hiccups here and there, her mother and I are incredibly civil, professional, flexible and supportive of each other’s roles as parents.
We’ve switched weekends at the drop of a hat because it benefitted our daughter to do so. We’ve paid for things that the other was supposed to pay for because it benefitted our daughter and we trusted each others intent and follow-through. This weekend, however, was the first time I felt as though I was replaced, even if deep down inside I know better.
So again, what happened?
My daughter wanted to switch weekends so that she could go to Homecoming. Two weekends later, she wanted to switch so that she could go to a Halloween party. These two switches would mark the third such switches in the then nine weeks since she has been in high school. Did I mention that I no longer get her on Friday nights because she cheers?
I know, I’m a big sobbing baby that needs to get over the fact that my daughter is a teenager who is carving out her own life and, like it or not, I will see less of her in the process.
That hurts me deeply. I thoroughly enjoy watching her grow. I like being the answer to her questions. I like being the voice on the other side of a conversation about Nash Grier and other YouTube boys that we went to see on DigiTour.
I love, strike that, we love going to Tyson’s Corner to clothes shop – even if we end up buying Vans shoes that look like they came from somewhere over the trippy rainbow. And we will because that’s how we roll. And roll we do. Unfortunately, I’m deathly afraid that we will roll less and less as she gets older.
I reacted to both requests by expressing, in a pragmatic way, my acknowledgement that she is in high school and that I understand her desire to go to homecoming and parties. I also told her that I love her so much it hurts and asked her what, if anything, I could do to support either event. And yes, I told her yes. But what else do I do or say?
She will never feel as though I say yes because of bigger priorities on my end. I am very open with her about how I feel about her and she knows she’s number one. She will never feel as though the less often we see each other, the less often we need to see each other.
Our relationship doesn’t have to be about volume. I’ve told myself these very things dozens of times and I believe them. And yet, here I am feeling the need to state and restate because it makes me feel better to do so.
Here’s where you come in: I need your help, your thoughts and your experiences in this area. I am a relationship coach seeking advice about how to deal with the changing dynamic between my daughter and me, even though I realize the only dynamic that’s changed is frequency. But damn does it hurt.
Thank you.
More from DivorcedMoms
How far away do you live from her? Is there any reason that she can’t go cheer on Friday nights and end up at your house?
Ouch! It is so hard to see this happen! I am so proud of you for putting your daughter and her wants and needs first. I especially like when you asked what you could do to support her! You seem like a great dad and your daughter seems to be a well rounded, normal teenager. Keep talking to her. Maybe ask her to invite a friend to your house and get to know them! Hang in there!
Wow, this is a tough one! While I do not yet have a teen daughter (just a tween), I do share custody of my children with my ex husband and I was at one point a teenage girl! If anything I was still upset about the divorce was the fact my children are split between 2 worlds, never having just one to which to grow, mature and experience life! Which brings its own unique sets of problems when the family calendar competes with a teen social calendar! Hard enough with one let alone 2 families! It seems life also does a 360 turn so even though she is not around now doesn’t mean she won’t be around in the future! There was a time as a teen a night home with a parent amounted to social suicide but now I am a grown woman of 36, there is nothing i cherish more than the quality time with my parents! I advise let your daughter spread her wings and enjoy her life on her own terms, and be there when she needs you weather its with a box of tissues or a celebatory hug. She will one day crave those interactions with you. I hopefully plan that when my children become of driving age they can decide there own schedule and how often they see each of us and how much time to spend with us! I’ll take as much time as I can get but the last thing I want our time together to feel like is forced! I’ll wait.
Hey man….I know what your going through trust me. Teenagers are pretty darn hard. I myself have 3 teenagers and they make me laugh and also my daughters can make me feel a lot of the hurt I used to feel going through the divorce. But they don’t do it knowingly. These little princesses are like a walking little ball of emotions…..they can change from minute to minute. Trust me….as they get older and the more your able to spend time with them on a day-to-day basis….not just weekends….things get a little easier.
I wrote a little bit about it in my article on linkedin….the title is about real estate but it’s really about my relationship with my kids.
“Can the #1 hottest #realestate #market affect you? ” by @YPN_today on @LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/fantastic-time-buy-home-you-your-family-david-moore
Feel free to reach out if you’d like to anytime….divorced folks all have to help each other out because we live in a different world than most others out there.