Too many adults divorce because they fail to effectively communicate with each other. What many don’t realize is that despite their own differences, they still have to remain in contact with each other in order to raise the children that resulted from their marriage.For some, that means using their children as pawns in a post-divorce power struggle.
It is very important to avoid using your children as pawns in your divorce though. Too many people do it, and the children are the ones that ultimately suffer for it.
Preventing the children from seeing their other parent as a way to get back at your former spouse for the hurt that you felt they put you through is common. That is a way that many divorced couples punish each other. Yet the children are the ones who suffer from it because they are missing out on that relationship.
Unless the other parent isn’t fit to have the children alone, you need to let them spend time with their other parent at the prescribed visitation times.
Many children do miss the other parent when they are staying with one. This can hurt the parent they are with. Yet it is important to understand that children have unconditional love for both of their parents all the time. Allowing the children to call the other parent when they miss them or even as a standard ritual before bed can help relieve their anxiety. It will also allow them to enjoy their time with each parent much more.
While children do need to know what is going on as far as the divorce is concerned, they don’t need to know all of the details. Important issues that have to be discussed between the parents should be done privately. Remember that little ears can hear a great deal so make sure they aren’t even around when you are talking about sensitive issues.
When issues arise that involve your children you will need to work together to resolve them. When the parents are offering the opposite solution just to be difficult, it only hurts the child more. For example, if you have a high school student that has been cutting school you need to come up with a course of action to hold them responsible. If one parent thinks it is a big deal and the other parent doesn’t mind then it becomes an ongoing issue.
Children of divorced parents are going to follow the guidelines of the parent that is in their favor on set issues. I guess you could say it is one of the few perks that children of divorces couples are able to exercise. Yet this can lead to many more issues down the road. So instead of using the children to drive your ex spouse crazy find ways to work as a team to do what is in the best interest of your children.
Never under any circumstances should you be passing messages to your ex spouse through your children. That isn’t their responsibility and too often these children are being told to say things they don’t want to repeat. You also don’t want to be asking your children for information when they return from a visit.
It is fine to ask them what they did and if they had a good time. However, you will be overstepping the boundaries if you are asking specific questions. They shouldn’t have to tell you what was said, who was around, and other details of their time together with the other parent.
If you are having a hard time coming to terms with your divorce, seek professional help. You will be able to work through your emotions and set goals for your future. You don’t want to dwell on what has taken place or suppress your feelings. You want to be able to have a good life and to be there for your children in a positive way. Make sure you always stop to consider how your actions are going to affect your children before you engage in them.
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