Over the years many of my divorcing clients were women whose husbands had left them for a younger woman or a better life. These women suffered the loss of a spouse and marriage, but society’s attitude toward a woman who loses everything due to divorce is far different from a woman who loses a spouse to death.
Just as a woman who loses a husband to death, my clients had no control over the loss of their husbands and the lives they had built as a couple. Yet, society has granted the widow all the dignity of her position. There are funeral rituals, she can claim all her husband’s assets and she is showered with sympathy and concern for her loss.
Death or divorce, which is worse?
What Life is Like For a Widow:
The aftermath of death is far different for a widow than it is for a divorcee. Below are a few of the emotional and financial advantages a widow has that a woman who has been left doesn’t.
- She has the comfort of knowing her husband would have chosen to stay with her.
- She doesn’t go to bed at night knowing her husband is alive and choosing to be with another woman.
- She can share the grief of losing her husband with her children.
- She will be surrounded by friends, family, and community. Instead of shamed she will be supported, loved and shown compassion.
- In most cases, she will be able to live comfortably off her husband’s insurance and other benefit plans set up to protect his family should something happen to him.
- If she has a home, one that they shared as a family, more than likely she will remain in that home with loving memories of the man she loved.
- If, however, she struggles financially, she will be surrounded by loved ones willing to help her get back on her feet instead of viewing her as the cause of her own problems.
On the other hand, the divorcee and her loss are devalued by the legal system, society and, when you need them most, friends and family. The victim of an unwanted divorce doesn’t hold the same status as a widow because their ex-husband is still alive and finding life without her preferable.
What is life like for a woman whose husband leaves her?
- She has to live with the pain of knowing her husband no longer wants her or the life they had built together.
- She has to live without the one she loves and with the societal attitude that she should “get over it” and “move one.”
- She has to face the husband she lost in court as they battle over who gets what of any assets they have accumulated.
- She has to face him every time he comes to pick up the children for visitation. Yes, he is, at least, still alive and he lets her know every opportunity he gets that he finds her detesting.
- She has to live with the angst caused by knowing her children are being introduced to and encouraged to care for the woman her husband left her for.
- She has to do all these things with very little family support and no community support. She is on her own with her pain.
- She has to sell the home she enjoyed with her husband and children and, more than likely, move into a small apartment.
- There are no insurance policies, no financial security, just an ex-husband fighting to keep her from getting what she needs to remain financially secure.
- And, she gets to raise her children as a “single mom.” Vastly different from the widowed mom who isn’t blamed for a broken home or possibly causing trauma in her children’s lives.
The knowledge that a husband is still alive is cold comfort when you have to live daily knowing he has chosen to live elsewhere. Not that I don’t sympathize with anyone who loses a husband to death, but at least they know their husband would have stayed if given the opportunity. They don’t have to live with the fact that their husband is dead to them because he CHOSE to be dead to them.
In reality, a widow and a woman who loses her husband through divorce have a lot in common. The only thing they don’t have in common is how they are viewed by society and the compassion and dignity they are shown. To lose a husband through divorce is to experience death without dignity. It means the death of your friendship with someone you had chosen to be your life partner. It is the death of your future with the man you love. It is the probable death of any financial security you felt in your marriage. It is the death of the emotional security one feels in a marriage.
Divorce can be as traumatic as the death of a husband…loss is loss.
If you are going through an unwanted divorce, treat yourself kindly. You did not fail at marriage; you are suffering through the death of your marriage. If you know someone whose husband has left her, treat her with dignity. Show her the same sympathy and concern you would if her spouse had died. After all, she is living with the uncertainties of divorce and the skewed views of a society that feels she deserves less emotional and legal support.
I was discussing this with a widowed friend one day, her response was, “You divorce someone you can’t stand to be with anymore, so I fail to see how that could ever be compared to the death of a spouse you love? If I were a widow or widower I’d be insulted by any of my divorced friends who had the audacity to compare their failed marriage to my grief.”
And therein lies the rub, the belief that divorce is a choice in all cases. The ignorance of most to the fact that divorce is not a bilateral decision made when a couple calmly sits down and decides it is time to end the marriage.
In most marriages divorce is a unilateral decision made by one spouse to leave the other. The fact that the spouse leaving is out there somewhere alive is cold comfort to the person whose life, future and dreams were destroyed by divorce.
Like I said before, loss is loss and when your husband is gone from your life that loss is not made less painful just because he is still alive out there somewhere. Especially when you have to live with the fact that he is shagging his new love, spending the retirement fund you helped build and not giving a second thought to someone who invested decades of their life in a marriage to him.
FAQs About Death And Divorce:
Do divorced women and widows enjoy equal status in society?
Unfortunately, divorced women and widows do not enjoy equal status in society. A widow is entitled to her husband’s assets and sympathies from near and dear ones while a divorced woman is put at a disadvantage by the legal system involving costly litigation. At times, a divorcee also loses the support of her friends and family unlike a widow
What is life like for a widow as compared to a divorcee?
A widow’s life is much better than a divorced woman’s life as she enjoys better emotional and financial support. She can grieve the loss of her husband with her children and get her family’s support. She can enjoy her husband’s life insurance and family home.
What is life like for a divorced woman as compared to a widow?
A divorced woman’s life is much more difficult as compared to a widow. She lives with the pain of knowing her husband left her and fights tooth and nail a court battle to get financial support. She often sees her family home sold and children introduced to the other woman. She gets very little family support and no community support. She doesn’t get any insurance policies or financial security, but an ex-husband fighting to keep her from getting what she needs to remain financially secure.
What is it like to lose a husband through divorce?
To lose a husband through divorce means you experience the loss of your relationship without any dignity. It means the end of a friendship that once meant everything to you. It also means the death of the future with the man you once had your vows with and any sense of financial security you felt in your marriage.
Does divorce mean a choice?
Divorce doesn’t always mean choice for spouses. Take for instance an unwanted divorce, where one spouse is devastated because of it. Divorce in all cases hardly qualifies to be a choice.
Incredibly accurate! The turmoil that occurs in a divorce is difficult. Especially if the X continues to cause more grief at every chance available even years after the divorce. It feels like a neverending battle.
What is missing is the perspective of a woman who chooses to leave her marriage. It is not easy and I feel like people think a woman leaving a marriage doesn’t need support because they chose to leave. They still face loss. They face uncertainty about their future. They still have to find the means to adjust to less household income including how they will support their family. It is still difficult. They deserve support and compassion as well.
Here is the difference you are missing. You CHOSE to leave, you weren’t left. If you left an abusive marriage, yes, you deserve the compassion and support. If you left because you fell out of love or were no longer happy why would you expect compassion and support? By CHOOSING to leave an unhappy situation you are bettering your situation, aren’t you? If you face uncertainty and loss of income it’s due to your CHOICE to leave. You made your bed. Women who are left for a younger woman or, for whatever reason by a husband, they didn’t make their bed, someone else made it for them. They didn’t CHOOSE the loss of a marriage, a future and the man they love. There is NO comparison between a widow, a left behind wife and a woman who CHOOSES of her own free will to leave a marriage. Why can’t you see the difference and express empathy for those who are less fortunate than you in love and life? You had a CHOICE, they had a CHOICE made for them. Big difference!
Wow, first off, who says I was talking about myself? Clearly this hit a nerve and you are a wee bit judgmental. The point is where is the sense of community and support for others. One ought to not judge others unless you have walked in their shoes. The point is, the public does not know why a person ends a marriage. Without their support, people may not talk about it or seek assistance. And yes there is a similarity with a widow although not on the same scale. People take sides. Regardless of who chose to leave the relationship and whoever wanted to stay, both are lose friends and family. It is a fact. Not to mention helping support children through those changes. EVERYONE deserves respect and support.
Janet, you wrote the comment, it’s only natural that I assume it’s your situation you are referencing. And you’re are correct, you did hit a nerve. Also, not being judgmental, just trying to open your eyes to the sense of entitlement that comes across in your comment. Everyone does deserve respect and support UNLESS they’ve done something that NO ONE but themselves is responsible for. All situations are not created equal, in spite of what you believe. Does a man who robs a family of their financial means deserve the same respect and support that the family he robbed deserves? Your argument holds no water. When a CHOICE has been removed at the whim of another person, that other person should expect less respect and support. To expect the community to rally around someone who leaves a marriage is expecting a lot from a community. The community is naturally going to rally around and support those who’ve been done wrong, suffered a great loss through no choice of their own. The person who CHOOSES to leave should not expect the same support as the one who was left either through death or divorce. If someone CHOOSES to leave a marriage, the common consensus is going to be that they’ve made a change for the better, not the worst. The loss experienced by the one left behind is FAR greater than the one who CHOSE to leave. Unless, of course, there was domestic abuse involved.
I think this vision of widowhood is slightly romanticized.
Very understated!!
Wow! As a woman who has been once divorced and once widowed, I can tell you that comparing the two is hugely insulting to those widowed. I have to live with the loss of my late husband very day and try to deal with the ongoing grief and issues of my two daughters who were 10 and 17 at the time. You have no idea how hard it is to see your children having to negotiate life without their adored and adoring father – this is one pain you are powerful do anything to fix, and not something you ever get over. Four years down the line I have one daughter in counselling and another who desperately needs it because she can’t sleep due to anxiety but is scared to explore the feelings that she has tried to bury.
Plus, I know many widows who have had to leave their family home as their spouse was the breadwinner and had no life insurance. Many widowed people are left in poverty when their spouse dies.
In addition, I, and other widows have had friends fall away because they can’t cope with the people that widowhood makes us into. Seeing the person you love get sick and die, knowing they cannot see their children grow – there is no pain like it.
Yes, divorce is not easy, of course it’s not, and I would never dismiss the hurt someone feels when they are left by someone they love, but I would take it over widowhood in a heartbeat, and I think if you too had experienced both you would not have written this article.
That should read “powerless” not “powerful”.
As the woman who wrote this article and has lived without her husband I can tell you that it’s insulting for you to challenge the pain experienced by a woman whose adored husband walked out on her and their children. You have no idea how hard it is to watch your children suffer not only the loss of their father but also the rejection of a father who once treated them as if they were the center of his world. You have no idea, and can’t compare your experience to those of two children who knew their father lived across town and was choosing not to be part of their lives. And to have to mother those children during such a trauma? My children don’t have the luxury of knowing their father would have fought like hell to stay in their lives. Quite the opposite in fact. My children have seen their father three times in twenty years. Let’s talk about the stress of cleaning up that kind of pain in your children. My children were 7 and 14 when he left. My youngest was so traumatized he was eventually diagnosed with PTSD and Bipolar Disorder. My oldest who is now 35 with a wife and child of his own suffers from anxiety and takes medication. Why anxiety? Because he fears abandoning a family could be genetically predisposed. He fears being the man his father was! You read an article about the pain of divorce compared to the pain of losing a husband to death and decided to become offended because how dare anyone challenge your pain and loss. Your pain and loss has to be greater in your eyes than anyone else. Come back and talk to me about your pain when your husband of 17 years walks out on you and abandons your children. I’m sorry you lost your husband, I’m sorry your children had to go through that experience. I’m betting that NO ONE was telling you, within a month of burying him to “get over it.” You and your children experienced compassion, sympathy, and empathy. My children and I experienced judgement, eye rolling, and encouragement to “get over it.” Your pain is no more relevant than the pain my children and I experienced and still experience. I know that in my heart.
Have you ever been divorced? Lost your entire lifestyle, your home, your status, hopes and dreams of a secure future, every memory of your life together over the years trashed, having to deal with children who are also suffering from abandonment by their father, no sympathy or understanding from friends or family, no casseroles brought round, shunned like you are a disease..I could go on. Sorry but every widow I know has wonderful memories of her husband and financial security. They all said they would take being a widow over being a divorcee anyway. The court battles destroy the children completely. And drag on for years. It is sad for your children losing their father ,but they know he loved them. Surely a father leaving home for selfish reasons tells his children HE comes first..
You are mistaken in thinking being a widow is worse. I’ve been both and I can assure you I’d take widowhood anyday.
Crikey. I’m appalled by this article. So much bitterness. I’ve been divorced and widowed – the two are incomparable. Your lack of insight is extraordinary.
Absolutely appalling article and insulting to anyone who has been widowed. The author is clearly bitter about her own experience.
I would give anything for my 11 year old children to still have their father – and I do not “share my grief with them” – I try to support them with their grief while dealing with my own. I am not able to live off his retirement fund, and so I work while being a lone parent. I do not get time away from my children while they visit their other parent, because he is dead.
It’s shocking that a counsellor would try to turn pain into a competition of “who’s worse off”. I would expect a counsellor to recognise that pain is pain, each type unique.
Probably one of the most biased, inaccurate, idiotic articles I’ve ever read. If this was written by a therapist, you should be ashamed of yourself. I am part of an organisation called widowed and young, which supports people who have lost their partners under the age of 50. Unbelievably stupid views on what a widow goes through. Believe me, I’d rather my son had a father even for once in a while visits than never again. Have you experienced a young child watch his healthy, young father die of cancer? Have you ever thought of how other people may feel reading such a insensitive, delusional article. I think I’ve expressed how I, and many others feel about this and hope you have a good think about how you express your views in future.
I don’t believe I made the statement that my pain, or that of other widows, was more relevant than yours. Nor did I challenge the validity of your pain. I was merely pointing out that you were incorrect, and it was insulting, to say that having your husband die is easier than having your husband walk out on you.
Frankly, I am appalled that you were subject to eye rolling and judgement and can’t quite understand why you were. Either you are surrounded by decidedly unpleasant people, or, as I suspect, there is more to the situation than you are disclosing. Particularly as you state that you were made to feel that you were the cause of your own problems. Why was this? One of my dearest friends had her husband walk out after 24 years but not one person I know offered her anything but compassion and sympathy. She was surrounded by love and help.
I feel truly sorry that what you have been through has left you so bitter but please, please don’t ever tell a widow that she has it easier than you. Grief is not a game of one-upmanship. Everyone’s pain is individual, and no-one’s is less or more relevant. You write in very generalist terms – just because in your personal situation you feel it would have been better if your husband had died, please don’t apply this to everyone.
Louise, you’re a vicious woman. You suspect there is more to this writer’s story? Is that you suggesting that she may, in some way, have brought her own pain upon herself? Do you know what you’ve done in this comment? You’ve proven the writer right. You show no empathy or compassion at all for what she and her children experienced. You are society wrapped up in one hateful woman! She did at least have the common human decency to express compassion toward you and your children. My husband’s father died when he was 16. He left a widow and 4 children. Do you know what my MIL says, she says she would take his death over divorce any day. She says she has witnessed too many friends go through the pain of being purposefully left and dealing with their ex and court system for years to ever want to experience that. And, she LOVED her husband. I’m going to ask you to do something for me. Stay away from DivorcedMoms.com. We don’t need users like you. You’re toxic!
My heart goes out to anyone who has lost their husband. My ex-neighbor’s husband passed away a few months before mine left me. We had both been with our husbands over 30 years. When her husband died, her children rallied around her. She had a grief group to go to where she met her future husband. She grieved and her memories were filled with their lives together. She had a support system (ncluding me.) When my husband left me, my children blamed me and I lost them as well as him. I lost my home, my neighbors (including her), my job (because I couldn’t function but my boss did not understand why), most of my belongings, and now live in a rental 1/4 the size of my home. I see my ex with his new gf at our grandchildren’s birthday parties. I attend alone. I do not think either way of losing one’s husband does not shatter your heart, dreams, and plans for the future. My friend married and is celebrating her new granddaughter with a new blended family. I do not see my grandchildren due to my kids not being able to reconcile whose fault the divorce was. I sit alone, day after day, grieving 5 years after the divorce. I see no end to my grief as does anyone who has lost their spouse. When we married our spouse it was for better or worse. This should be not a competition to see which feel worse. We need to find our common ground and be there for each other no matter how we lost our husbands. That’s just my opinion.
I totally agree that pain is pain, whether the result of divorce or death. We’re stating opinions here, & the writer of the article shares her own & should not be deemed as judgmental or bitter. As one whose husband left for a younger woman a week before Christmas 14 years ago, I agree that divorce is more painful. We shared over 25 years together, celebrating family milestones and the birth of grandchildren. Then it was just over, as if all those years never happened, & he was off with his new love & her family, parading their affair all over town. I moved a thousand miles away, 9 years ago, and it was the best thing for my recovery & healing. Didn’t have to be concerned about running into them at the grocery store, or wherever, but the memories and pain of rejection never totally go away. When a husband dies, he is buried and mourned, but in divorce he is still out there, just with someone else.
I cried when I read this. It was 7 years ago and I am now remarried but the scars are hard to heal. Thanks for putting into words what I could not.
Those going through it now be strong and look after yourself. When the first Christmas comes understand the kids won’t buy you presents without help and pass money secretly to a friend or relative and treat yourself if alone for a day or weekend. Buy posh chocolates, a good film and get your nails done when the kids aren’t there.
You are important and he was a jerk. You deserve so much better. You are the best nurse to heal you. Years later not many people care about your feelings you are just seen as bitter.
Finally, read up on parental alienation and don’t fall into the trap of victim or alienator. It damages the kids.
All my love
Instead of trying to compare the two, you should have explained to the pain a divorcee feels.
1. This was the only thing you have right.
2. I go to bed at night reliving the look on his face when he gasped for air, while taking his last breath.
3. My 10 year old cries so hard he hyperventilates.
4. They don’t stick around once the funeral is over.
5. There isn’t millions in life insurance. What little bit that comes from SS, ends when my children turn 18.
6. I live in our home that was built in 1959. The one we intended to sell. A home that needs over 30,000 in upgrades and repairs I can’t afford.
7. Widows are told the same thing.
8. I get zero breaks.
You gloss over the fact, if I die, my children end up in foster care.
Stop comparing us.
You are overlooking situations such as my own. My husband left me in our 44th year of marriage, filed for divorce in our 47th year of marriage, let his life insurance lapse, tricked me into selling our home with false information, then died suddenly before a final decree. I was a widow who did not receive sympathy and support from others. I loved my husband and was grieving and did not even have the support of our children. I did not receive any assets only liabilities. I lost my home and relationships with my children and grandchildren. NO, this widow was not left better off. Nor are other widows (or widowers) like me who discover, after their spouses death, their lives was a lie and they were not loved or provided for by that spouse. We suffer from prolonged, complicated grief and there is no help there for us, except each other, if we happen to stumble across a social media support group.
I do agree that the divorced deserve more community and financial support, and occasionally, but by no means always, widows are more likely to receive that. I think what this article doesn’t acknowledge, is it is not rare for widows to have a bit of both worlds. Whether it is suicide, an overdose, an otherwise good person with a high risk hobby, or other elements–even things like heart attacks can have a “they were managing stress poorly–what else could I have done?” piece to them sometimes. To think many widows, particularly younger ones, do not have those levels of confusion as well, whether the relationship was still in pretty good shape–it comes off as naive. And if the relationship was more fairy tale–which is rarer–I imagine the loss might hit even harder. I’m not sure it can be a “contest”, and they all have unique struggles (and similarities), but there is a pretty big missing piece here.
In Far North Queensland, a family friend was married to a nice bloke who had a drinking problem, like so many Irish Australians do. It was costing the family a fortune. So, very cannily I thought, the wife started brewing home brew for him, and then gradually watered it down until he was cured of his alcoholism. He stopped drinking any alcohol. Wouldn’t touch it.
Everything was fine until his birthday, when a couple of his mates turned up and insisted on taking him out to the pub where they got him blinded. In one afternoon and evening, all the wife’s good work was undone. One of her friends fancied herself as an armchair psychologist and told the wife that she had to use tough love. So the wife booted hubby out, told him he couldn’t come home until he’d fixed his drinking problem. He booked himself into a local motel, where a week later he hung himself.
Their teenage kids blamed their mother. The kids went off the rails. The fourteen-year-old left home, shacked up with her boyfriend and his family, got pregnant, dropped out of school. The only good thing to come out of this tragedy was the Au $70,000 payout the wife eventually received from hubby’s life insurance. Later, she remarried.
I’ve been through a divorce with a one year old son 44 years ago. My ex walked out of the marriage the day before my son’s 1st birthday for someone else. it was very difficult for awhile but I got married to the love of my life who was my high-school sweetheart. I was so grateful we remet after all those years. He very suddenly passed away 2 years ago. We had 22 wonderful years together. For me the grief of being widowed far outweighs the grief of divorce. Everyone’s situation is different. I don’t need anyone telling me how I should feel and I don’t have the right to tell anyone how they should feel no matter how they lost their spouse. Losing my husband in death was far more traumatizing than going through a divorce.