I have a patient I have taken care of on a couple of different visits to our hospital. He has a debilitating disease that can go away completely in some, leave others as quadriplegics. The first time he was in our hospital, he needed a life saving surgery and was transferred to a very large center a couple hours away. We all thought he would die.
He is now back, still on mechanical ventilation, but gaining slight upper body movement. This disease, as it slowly works it’s course, causes a great deal of pain.
My patient is a very sweet man. He always thanks everyone for the care they give, no matter if they brought on more pain in the process. His pain meds wear off very quickly, and is near tears or crying if he is awake.
This week he had a three hour abdominal procedure. That evening his wife came in to see him. He was in excruciating pain. I tried as hard as I could to build him up. I told him how it was such a weird day, we had three patients close to respiratory arrest at the same time, and it seemed like all of the patients were having a bad day. I told him how far he has come and how his condition is inching along but improving, and that tomorrow is a new day.
With tears in his eyes from the pain, he turned to me and mouthed “Today IS a good day, because my wife came in.”
I have a lot of negative in my life, to say the least. Working in healthcare as long as I have, a patient wakes me up every once in a while and stops me in my tracks long enough to focus on the good, all of my blessings, and makes my problems seem small. At that moment, all of the mountains of shit I am dealing with shrunk to mole hills.
There seems to be so much negativity in the world, especially in high conflict divorce. Dealing with a sociopath level narcissist leaves me exhausted and with PTSD symptoms. I am working on “me” and how I am in control of how I react to his sickness. It is still hard, though, because co-parenting with a narcissist never allows you to have no contact. You are always at the mercy of whatever drama he decides to create next. I have to take it in, deal with it, and let it go in order to focus on healing and bringing light to the lives that matter, especially Grant and Kristy.
I am determined to fully heal, and leave all empty people behind. I cannot save them. I cannot help them be better people. Once narcissists have completely killed their inner self, it is up to the damaged and broken to leave them behind and save OURSELVES. They will never realize, only rationalize. They will never take responsibility, only project, mirror and blame. They will never tell the truth, only gas light and attention seek to attempt to build the unbuildable, which is their inner self.
I associate narcissists with Dementors, (if you are a Harry Potter fan, you just said YESSSS!!) The definition of a Dementor is “a non-being and dark creature, considered one of the foulest to inhabit the world. Dementors feed off human happiness, and thus cause depression and despair to anyone near them.”
I am finished being pulled into the darkness. I want only light. I will count my blessings and focus on the good. I will live for bringing light into the lives of those who are capable of living light, and leave behind those who are not.
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light.”