One of my favorite jobs I have ever had was as a pediatric specialist in a sleep disorders center. I love spending time with children, and that job wasn’t a job to me, it was play time. I loved talking to them and learning how their little minds work. Plus, kids are so much more fun than stinky ‘ol adults.
I would always read my patient’s medical histories before they would walk in the door, to ensure I had everything ready for any challenges we may face during the test. I have read medical histories that brought tears to my eyes, of children so abused, they had turned their rage toward foster siblings and pets. I often expected Satan to come walking through that door, not the adorable little 4 year old I would see instead.
These are the kids I would dote on, give them special jobs to do while I was attaching over 30 wires to them, interact and play games, and always tell them how they were the best kid I had ever had the pleasure of spending time with. I would give them freedom with clear boundaries. These kids always had one thing in common, they were starved for positive attention. I gave it to them and I received a very compliant patient in return.
I am not a professional in psychology by any means. I feel I have been around enough children to make some observations, that is all. I have always struggled with children being put on long lists of medications. My biggest struggles were while working in the sleep center, reviewing the lists of psychiatiric drugs prescribed to 3 year olds for “Bipolar” disorders. I don’t know any 3 year old who isn’t bipolar on a good day. The mothers of these children often did not work, and were people who used the system to its fullest extent.
I have had my own struggles at home. Kristy is 12 and incredibly creative. She knows her brain sometimes learns differently than the “boxed” kids brains do, and we work really hard to get through school work and get information into her brain in the way she can retain it. We have struggled for many years to help Kristy learn how to focus when needed and she has made the honor roll for the last two semesters. She is so proud of her accomplishments. We have made it without medication, I am not saying all children can.
I have been dating my boyfriend for about 2 years now and been friends with him for 3. We feel marriage is for when we can finally live together in the same state and we aren’t too worried about a piece of paper telling us what we both believe in our hearts, anyway. We are both very committed to each other and love our weird blended family.
While visiting Dane for a few days at the farm before Christmas, we all went on a little shopping trip. In the car, I noticed Bradley had an empty pill bottle sticking out of his pocket. Bradley, my boyfriend’s son, is a very active 60 pound lil spitfire of an 8 year old. He is just adorable and I love that little munchkin like my own. I asked Bradley if I could please see the bottle. He happily handed it up to me. It was a prescription for him. He explained school sent it home to give to his mom because it is empty and he needs more. He apparently takes it when he gets to school on the mornings dad drops him off, otherwise takes it at home at mom’s house before school.
I quickly googled the long name. Bradley is on one of the highest doses of Ritalin a HUMAN can be on. Dane has never been informed of this.
Working in healthcare as long as I have, I sat there fuming, thoughts of adverse side effects and inconsistent dosing, along with fear of cold medicines, etc we had ever given him having long term health effects…and so did Dane. I quickly explained to Bradley that taking that particular medication is ok, lots of kids need it to help focus better at school. Kristy, with her deeply compassionate heart, quickly chimed in that sometimes she thought she needed it. After Christmas and while Bradley was with his mom for a few days, Dane did some digging.
Dane took his divorce decree to the pharmacy where the script was filled. The pharmacist printed out Bradley’s entire prescription history from the past 2 years. Not only is Bradley on one of the highest doses of Ritalin, he is also on an antipsychotic, Risperidone, and the dose had just been increased from .25mg to .5 mg. Again, this information had never been shared with Dane by his ex.
Dane quickly made an appointment to speak to the medical director at the facility prescribing the meds, (NOT a pediatric specialty facility) and get a copy of Bradley’s entire chart. The medical director and nurse practitioner who prescribed the medication quickly defended the dosages to Dane, calling them “low”, even after he pointed out symptoms of overdose of Ritalin he had seen in Bradley. Apparently the Risperidone is prescribed because Bradley chews on pencils at school and chews on the collar of his clothing.
They informed Dane that Dina is now asking to increase dosing in Ritalin to twice a day so he can focus better in sports after school. Dane was very calm during his interview with them. He explained he feels Bradley is fine and exhibits normal child behavior while with him, and feels he does not need this medication, but perhaps some modifications at his mother’s home. The medical director told Dane they cannot force a parent to change their home environment. I am afraid I would have come unglued and gone mama bear at this point. Why doesn’t Dina focus on regulation and consistency before bringing on more drugs? I strongly feel Dina is thinking of Dina through all of this.
The medical director and nurse practitioner were shocked to be talking to Dane, because they were led to believe that Dane is not currently in Bradley’s life. Right after Dane’s divorce from Dina 7 years ago, the facility had a lot of information about Dane and had never returned phone calls when he called for information about Bradley. Dane thought their case with Bradley was closed, for many reasons too long to explain. I see so many red flags here my head is spinning. They didn’t have Dane’s extensive family history of high blood pressure, among many other things.
I have spent solid weeks at a time with Bradley over the past 2 years. Bradley is a loving child, loves and treats pets very well, loves to play sports and be outside and is just plain a KID. Dina has Bradley enlisted in as many sports as she can because he is good at every sport he plays, and brings home many trophies to her. She punishes Bradley if a trophy is left at his “biological father’s” house until it is brought to her house.
Bradley has times when he has trouble with emotions, but that is when Dane and I redirect Bradley, help him work through the emotion, and then all is fine. He is a child who needs love and attention and a lot of parental involvement. It’s just his personality. He is a very active BOY. I understand many kids need help focusing at school in order to be successful and sometimes that means medication. Bradley is 8 and I feel part of growing up means to learn how to make it through this crazy life by focusing on your own strengths and weaknesses, and learning to cope and thrive and deal. Medication should come into play when it is too hard for the child to deal, not the parent.
It makes me literally sick that Bradley is not being given this chance. That his mother, who has many narcissistic traits, is not concerned about Bradley, but about the way she looks and the image of her perfect little family she has created. Bradley shared with us that his “little brother” is on medication, too.
Dane has an appointment with his attorney next week. I feel helpless. So much for 2014 having less drama. Sigh.
Sdf
First of all, read stepmoms.com and realize you are not this child’s mother. You don’t get to decide for him anything. Disengage. If you weren’t with Dane, you wouldn’t even know what Dina was doing with her son. If you want to be with Dane and actually help his son, don’t encourage actions that will be costly and emotionally draining.
Second, when someone gets an attorney and goes to court, they go to win. If his mother wants one thing and the father wants the opposite, and they cannot reach an agreement, the judge decides. And if the decision is medical in nature, you have to have lots of money to pay attorney and doctor fees.
Third, my 10 year old grandchild just spent two years going to court for a change in the custody. When she was 9 years old, she had to testify to a judge in his chambers for 95 minutes. Her father and stepmother did not get what they wanted and as a result no longer see her. I told her a bit about your blog and she said Dane should save his money, have fun with his son, and wait until he gets old enough to see things for himself. She said the person who started the court battle is the one she blames, even though they explained to her why it was best for her, because she thought just shut up and leave me alone and let me live my life; I don’t care what you grown-ups think. She also blames her stepmother for sticking her nose in stuff that was not her business.
I suggest you read Peirls of Divorced Pauline: How Atticus got his son back, and read how when she stopped fighting her ex and gave him custody her relationship with her son improved. She was no longer the bad guy. I fear you and Dane will be the bad guys. But, if Dane has an umlimited scource of money and is willing to subject his child to years of court battles, carry on. Of course, I guess Dina could back down and let Dane (and you) make all the decisions for her son.
My grandchild said Bradley will be the loser. Of course, she’s lived through it and looks back and wishes it hadn’t happened. Bradley doesn’t know yet what he’s missed.
Anne,
It sounds like you have a lot of hatred for the “system” along with many other divorced parents, Dane and I included. I am not able to share ALL details here about Dane’s situation on this matter. He is taken to court almost yearly while Dina searches for ways to push him out of Bradley’s life as much as possible. I am taken to court yearly for similar reasons. We have never taken our exes to court. We do not have to be told how expensive court is. It is our exes, who continually manipulate everyone they can to take our parental rights away, including our children.
This is not a custody issue Dane is taking to his attorney, it is a SAFETY issue. Bradley is on very high doses of meds only while in his mother’s care, with no information ever shared with Dane, although it is court ordered. Dane is asking the professionals “why?” and getting very vague and flimsy answers. Any parent would be worried.
As I said in my post, I love Bradley as my own, but I do have enough common sense to let Bradley create the relationship he wants with me. I am not his mother and would never try to be. I can talk out and vent my frustrations here while I stand in support of my boyfriend while knowing my role. It would kill me to see any child treated this way, not just Bradley. I can’t imagine what his brain has to work through being constantly on and off meds.
I have followed Pauline’s blog and do have many things in common with her. I have even talked with my son about Luca, and told Grant I will be in his life as much as he wants.
I am sorry for your grandchild. It must have been so hard to go through that at such a young age.
My road has been a difficult one. I have learned so much in the past 5 years and have so much to learn. I have met so many wonderful people who I could easily judge, but never would because I have not walked in their shoes. It is easy to judge and pass someone off as being “this way” or “that way”, but it is much harder to have empathy, to “lift up”, and know everyone’s situation is different.
Call me suspisious, but… does Dane get extended periods of time with his son? Is it just weekends or does he get things like a 1/2 of Christmas break, spring break, or multiweek summer vacations? If his son is actually needs the medication, a suspiscious person might think that Dina was withholding them hoping that the child would be difficult to handle while visiting and to perhaps make the claim that he comes back from the visit in bad shape and it takes her days to settle him down (with the meds).
You also point out that some parents see these medications as performance enhancers. Better grades through modern chemistry. There was a big blow out at my kids school last year when they cracked down on the administration of medication at school. They now require unopened prescriptions and will only adminsister what the bottle says. It’s kind of a pain because you have to get the Dr.pharm to split the order and have one bottle say daily each morning instead of twice daily with the understanding that one gets taken at school. Seems that some moms are using their kids meds. Double the dose and tell the doc that the new dose is working well, and keep half of the pills.
X,
I have a happy update to this article posted about a month ago. To make a very long story short, the reason Dina did all of this is to try, once again, to take custody away from Dane. Like I said, long story, but in reading Bradley’s chart, we came to the conclusion this was all a huge game. Bradley’s “behavior” worsened each visit as Dina kept pushing how badly he acted upon returning from dad’s. Dina even asked th e NP to go to court with her. Np refused, just kept upping meds until Dane found out about the meds. From those appointments on, Bradley’s behavior was suddenly wonderful. Now, come to find out, no meds are needed thanks to a real psychiatrist’s diagnosis.
That’s a good outcome from a terrible thing. Makes you wonder what else that women was willing to do or if it’s a Munchausen by proxy type of thing.
I think in general, we over medicate our boys. While there are kids that truly have issues, I think that too often we try to find a pill to “fix” something very natural. I guess it fits our society as a whole.
I’m fat, can I get a pill for that?
Sure but it gives you explosive diarrhea. You could just ride your bike.
Nah, I’ll take the pill. Maybe we get it as a premixed cocktail with Imodium? The red flavor admix is tasty.
Red coloring is made from ground up bugs and is thought to be a carcinogen.
OK. Fine. You win. I take grape flavor. Grape’s a fruit.
One of the new trends is “red shirting” boys. Essentially letting them start 1st grade as late as the law will allow. It gives them a chance to mature and be ready for school. I my county, last year they passed a tax hike that was targeted at returning Physical Education and Art to all grades. So far, the extra PE is really helping my son. I’ll be curious to see if it improves the boys performance in school.