No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again. ~ Buddha
I’ve decided to let my emotions run wild for a little bit and then jump into the next phase of bettering myself. Let’s call this part of my life Deja Version 2.0. I don’t know why. Just because I feel a bit techie today.
Step 1: Let the emotions be what they are.
I think it is pretty safe to say that I’m comfortable feeling my emotions. Being afraid or unable to cry is not one of my issues. Letting my emotions bubble to the surface is an easy task. Sad on the inside? I’m showing sad on the outside. Work from home bonus perk #47 – No one can see your puffy red eyes after a night of crying.
Another bonus of working from home: if your sister calls you first thing in the morning to find out how your cruise went, you can sob without the people in the surrounding cubicles thinking you’ve gone completely off the deep end.
Feel the sadness. Mourn the loss. It’s OK.
I’m ugly crying right now.
Step 2: Look back at your track record for surviving crappy days.
Hey, I’m 15,000 and 0!
At least that’s what it feels like. These past two years have not been smooth ones. This past month has been down right terrible. In under 30 days I lost my dad to cancer and kissed my husband goodbye for the last time. If that doesn’t suck, what does?
I’ve had thousands of crummy, ultra sucky days and somehow I’ve survived them all WITH an optimistic attitude still in place.
Step 3: Go broad. Diversify my identity.
Last time, with Breakup 1.0 I went narrow with my focus. Work on me. Find Me. Get comfortable with me. This time I’m diversifying and spreading my risk.
To quote Mark Manson quoting Tim Ferriss:
When you have money, it’s always smart to diversify your investments. That way if one of them goes south, you don’t lose everything. It’s also smart to diversify your identity, to invest your self-esteem and what you care about into a variety of different areas — business, social life, relationships, philanthropy, athletics — so that when one goes south, you’re not completely screwed over and emotionally wrecked.
I’m a bundle of different identities. I’ve kept some of them under wraps for a while as a way to avoid temptation. Now that Marriage #2 is on its last legs, I can let a few things out of the bag. For example, dancing. I love to dance. I’ve wanted to take dance lessons for a while, since college. I never had the time to do so. Strike that. I never made dance lessons a priority.
Now I can.
“Why keep dancing under wraps?” you may ask. Call me old fashioned but I believe in dancing with the one who brought you. Dancing is intensely personal and something I only do with my husband and my kids. Blame it on being a Touch person. Having other people touch me closely like that feels akin to being unfaithful.
No more.
It’s hard to be unfaithful when you’re not in a relationship. So off to the singles group I go to pick up on some Tango tips and a little Cha Cha.
Step 4: Learn how to pick a good life partner.
Maybe part of the reason I’m failing at marriage is because I pick the wrong people for the wrong reasons. It’s not that I pick bad men. Both husbands had wonderful qualities. Maybe I just fail to see something that will cause a bigger rift later….
By improving my radar, I’ll get better at finding a quality man who is looking for a commitment. I know they exist. I’ve heard the rumors.
Plus, I am something of a catch. I still have all of my own teeth. I hear that’s a bonus for older people.
Why don’t you tell me that ‘if the girl had been worth having, she’d have waited for you?’ No, sir, the girl really worth having won’t wait for anybody. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise
It’s time to take this jar off of the shelf…
I am sorry to hear about your situation. Break ups…no matter who initiates them always force us to look at ourselves. That can be a hard thing sometimes. Like you, I have had a hard time being “emotional”. Going through a painful divorce and now a painful break-up I have let myself release the emotions. Most of the time I grieve on my own or with trusted family and friends. I am not afraid to feel things anymore…even though it really hurts sometimes.
I have also used this last break up and a time to work on me also. Therapy and learning to be on my own again has been educational. We tend to rely on others for our happiness, but I have learned that it lies within and with God. I know it will be ok and thank you for sharing your optimism.