The End Is Near

Here I stand, on the proverbial crowded corner, with my doomsday poster in hand. “The End Is Near” scrawled in large block letters.

Do I look wild and disheveled and unwashed, like some crazy modern-day purveyor of doom? Probably. I feel wild and disheveled on the inside and haven’t showered yet. Just yesterday I was a different person, one that still held onto hope for the future of our relationship.  Not so much now.

Let me set the stage….

After a lovely week together of zooming around tropical islands and eating too many decadent dinners, Husband #2 and I were packed up and ready to disembark from the Consolation Cruise. We took a quiet moment to indulge in a morning love-making session. As we snuggled together with bodies entwined, I scratched his scalp playfully and asked him to “remember this moment”. My thought was this would be our last naked time together.

Tears were in my eyes. He saw them but said nothing, probably assuming I was crying due to our departure. It was more than that. The end is near.

Little comments from Husband #2 over the past few visits indicated to me that he did not see us together in the future. Things like, “I’ve blocked off vacation to come out and see you next year for Easter.” Or comments about the possible house I would own in my retirement and how would I decorate it. Or talk of an upcoming family reunion on his side with no indication of wanting me there by his side. It was clear to me there was no “coming together” considered. Every time I heard one of these comments, I remained silent, not wanting to spoil our last vacation together.

It wasn’t until we were in the Atlanta airport, eating dinner during our 4 hour layover, that I finally broke my relationship silence.

“This is not the relationship for me.”

I poured it all out, what I wanted for my future, and how he was a very nice man and I enjoyed spending time with him. But I also spoke about how controlling things were from my perspective.  Instead of withholding sex, like Husband #1, he was withholding “presence” – a very damaging thing for a person like me whose love languages are Time Together and Touch. So as long as he wanted to live so far apart with such minimal contact, he was not the person for me.

There was no reaction, only listening. Then he thanked me for being brave and honest. We had one last cup of coffee/tea together before heading off to my gate area.

Shortly after, I boarded my plane back to my state and Husband #2 went to his gate to travel in a different direction, to a different time zone, to a different home.

24 hours later, we had our regularly scheduled weekly phone call.

Now it was my turn to listen.

The conversation wasn’t long. Boiled down to the highlights, here’s what he said.

• He misses me so badly.
• He loves me so much.
• He will not move away from his current state.
• He’s not ready for a serious relationship.
• His therapist asked him during a session, “Could you go on indefinitely like this?” (referring to our long distance relationship and occasional visits). Husband #2’s answer, “Yes.”

Never before have I heard something so scary come out of Husband #2’s mouth. That last one really terrified me.

After Husband #2 was finished talking, I reiterated my boundary of wanting to be in a relationship with someone who wanted to BE with me, thanked him for his honesty, and then politely declined any contact in the future. After all, what is there left to talk about?

Yes, the end is near.

Today is the first day of the last months of my marriage.