I met my husband on a day at the beach like any other day, so serene. A man in a red Speedo was pacing back and forth in front of me – I live in Southern California, who on Earth was this crazy man, no one wears Speedos here! I fell back to sleep only to awaken once again, Speedo man had stopped at my towel. When he asked for my number I remembered thinking: if he calls fine, if he doesn’t fine. It wasn’t a big deal, not love at first sight, just a chance meeting.
He seemed fun at first; parties and lots of friends, he took me to nice places and he said he loved me first. He even wrote a very romantic song just for me, no wonder I was sucked in. I had no idea that he did this for his own benefit, to make himself feel important, as narcissists constantly need to have their egos stroked from having an insecure sense of self. I really didn’t consider his motives. He did share a personal story of when his previous girlfriend came out to visit him, he went running and never came back and she was staying at his house! At that point I really should have gone running too!
There were so many warning signs that I refused to acknowledge. He wasn’t a great kisser so I broke my own cardinal rule of wanting a passionate man. He wasn’t caring, so if I got sick I was on my own. For seven years we lived together, and after so many years I just figured we would go our separate ways.
Then he proposed. My first response was “Are you kidding?” Not the best answer for a life changing moment.
He made the choice of where he wanted to live and this didn’t include any consideration of my career. When I asked why we couldn’t choose a city that would benefit both of our lives he didn’t answer, he just stared silently ahead at something only he could see. After this momentous shift in our lives it seemed the universe kept trying to stop me from my rash decision, but I wouldn’t listen. I was held up at gunpoint, and of course when I called him he really didn’t seem to care, he didn’t rush to my aide. Even on the drive to our new city my car was totaled, and still I didn’t think about the fact that he was not concerned about anything that had happened to me.
I tried to find a new career so many times but each time he said he needed me to help him with his career. At this point, though, we did get along fine and enjoy life. I remember dinners out and laughing when we would see much older men with a younger girl at dinner. We always said how nice we thought it was that the man was taking his daughter to dinner.
I got pregnant, and he was so attentive during my first pregnancy, I finally felt special. Then we had a second child and everything changed. We could never find a sitter for the weekends and he would never go out on a weeknight. Not for a date night with me, but he was always up for a business dinner. When we did finally find a sitter he would rush through dinner or the movie to get home. He no longer wanted to sit and watch movies with me at home either, something we had always looked forward to. On his desk at work were only photos of our children; he never wanted mine there.
On family vacations he would always walk so far in front of us that it was hard to keep up. The kids and I always joked that we have chased him around the world. Then our last family vacation; he kept asking our kids to take his photo, by himself! They got very annoyed of him asking so many times and showed him how to take a selfie. So many selfies!
He had hired a new girl for his office, that’s who was on the receiving end of his photos. The part that I hate is that I was nice to her!
I was replaced by a woman almost half my age. So many years of my life given up for his. He is mad because he has to pay me alimony. He is mad because he says I did nothing to deserve any money from him. I did everything he asked of me and in the end I was replaceable. I find it so ironic that now he has become the older man taking his daughter to dinner, at least I can still laugh. Would you have heeded the warnings and changed your path?
photo credit: riot girl via photopin (license)
Carol, thank you for sharing your story and your “aha” moments you see now.
My husband of 34 years walked out of our married 18 months ago, without a clue that he wasn’t happy, and nothing was ever said to me. Crying and grieving that my long-term marriage ended so trauamatically, reaching out in many directions for solace and comfort and trying to figure out how anyone person can inflict so much pain on another, especially someone who shared so many dacades with, poured in your heart, soul, supported all his dreams, goals, careers, and bore children with. Yes, they say, hind-sight is always 20/20. and I know now that I also did marry the worng man, and stay many eons too long in a loveless marriage, and treated like I was more his”roommate with benefits”, and not a real wife, and best friend.
I met my husband while I was stationed in the U.S. Navy in 1979 at Pearl Harbor Naval Base, and he too was stationed on board a Naval Ballistic Submarine. I asked a freind in the chow hall (cafateria) to introduce me to this handsome guy to my barracks later on that evening. To make a long story shorter, we dated a very short time, and I moved out of my barracks into an apartment he shared with another sub sailer. After (2) 3 month deployments on his submarine rotaion, he got orders to transfer to the east coast, Charleston Naval Base.
if you don’t marry one another while you both are on Active Duty in the military, you will proabbly never see each another again. I cried, and told my boyfriend I loved him and he said “what do you want me to do, marry you? And I said yes, so we did. I was 23 yyears and he was 22 years old at the time. The Navy kind-of forced us to marry, or to say goodbye to one another. Now…… many years later, many times of my own lonliness with him being gone, moving all over the U.S. with no friends nor family ever around, different careers and my staying home raising our sons, I always knew deep down that “something” was wrong, but because I never developed my own career after tI got out of the miltiary, never had my own money, just in case I ever wanted to escape, I was a woman who was trapped, with nowhere to go. Because we were so busy with his milatary and corporate careers, we never sat down and talked about us as a couple, because if we had, we would have disolved our relationship long ago.
It took me only 4 months after my husband left me to go drive big rig trucks as his new career choice (he has a Bachelors in Business, and a Master’s in IT from the Naval Post Graduate School) and started writing daily in a journal I started months ago, noting all my anger, feeling dreams and goals I want. . I am 57 years old, and extrovert, cvreative and bubbly personality, whose husband was an introvert, type A personality shy, and never had any friends around him during our entire marriage, It was because of my outgoing personality that I reached out to the friends I met during our marriage, and treasure them dearly now. Who ever knows who they are at such a young age and what type of person best suits them? You really don’t it takes years of maturity, and leaning who iyou are, and what you gave up during your married life. I too am angry that I allowed this man, my husband to suck up so much of my life, but I’m not dead yet… and am grateful now that he left, and gave me back my life, a new bebginning for me.
My reading two books that truly saved my life when my husband left me. One was “Runaway Husbands” by Dr. Vicki Stark who devleved into the phenomenom of wife abandonment, interviewing over 400 women that it also happened to. A revelation that most human beings could never do this to another, and will take months, and sometime many years to heal from. I not only threw my wedding album out, and wedding ring too, but ripped up every single photo I had of him, or with our sons, who always felt they were not loved, neglected, and also abandoned.
The next book I read (an her blog) is “Freeing Yourself From The Narcissist In Your Life” by Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D. Clinical Expert on the Narcissistic Personality, who exposes and explains this personality trait, and helps those who live, or come into contact with this sub-human. She tels us to be kind to ourselves, we are not to blame at all, because we were serious about building and preserving the marital union. This was and always has been my husband of 34 years, and I only thought it was his severe drive and ambiton, but instead it was his arrogance and narcisssism, using, abusing, neglecting and eventually tossing those aside, without a care or any compassion, leaving carnage in their wake.
So, I am more awake and aware of who I am and have always been and learning how to recognize those who are toxic to my being. Wishing all the best in their futures
Wow. Car accident two months after marriage and move to new city. More concern the new car he bought you was totated and he’d have to miss work than finding out if your ok. The distant look if anything is questioned or opinion is any other than his. Held on high standard, so high you can’t uphold them so he finds them in other women he “thinks” can. His ego is planatary high, but if you even dare have one yourself. You live your whole life being his life, till he decides its not good enough , nothing is ever good enough . Then he crushes your heart by moving out saying he wants to “start over”, date you again and make good memories. This again is to satisfy and stroke his narsasistic personality . once again the cycle. Explaining this to my child of one divorce already is heartbreaking . THIS was and is my life right now. And you ask would I have heeded the warnings And changed my path?
I can relate to this on so many levels. It’s comforting to see others have been in the same situation and know the pain of it all. Looking back, the red flags were glaringly obvious he wasn’t going to be the husband I so dreamed he would be.
Thank you for your comments, it is always good to know that we are not alone. I do wish men came with warning labels so we could know what to expect, but until that day we will just have to live on knowing that we have another chance to be ourselves.
I am right there with you. I had so many warning signs of my own. My Disney Dad posted a picture of himself online ten years ago. That should have been my first sign that it was time to go. I didn’t take it. Time and time again I chose to ignore the signs. Finally, this January, after being in the middle of the ocean by myself for 5 days, I decided that it was enough. I am now at the beginning of getting divorced and I wish I had done it so long ago. I wish I had stopped to take notice of the signs. What can I say? Love is blind. At least you tried to love and I hope one day you will try again. Thank you for sharing your story and making me feel like I am not alone.xoxo
Hi Josie, Thank you for sharing. I wish I could have been like you and made the decision myself but I waited and it was made for me, I wish it had happened sooner. You are right love is blind-and in my case stupid too! We are not alone if you ever need someone to vent to I am here, divorce almost two years since start and still not complete. xoxo!
Thank you so much for writing this.
I too married a narcassist…met him when I was 18 years old and had just moved away from home and had started University. I was enamoured with this guy, who was 4 years older, gorgeous, and appeared to have it all. Plus he was interested in ME! As with many relationships there were warning signs, but at the time I made excuses for his behaviour. We married when I was 22 years old, much too young, but I thought I knew it all. I remember when we were planning our wedding, my Mother told me one night that “he will always look after himself, you need to look after yourself”. At the time, I blew off the comment, but it kept coming back at me for the next 14 years of marriage.
Fourteen long years of marriage. In those fourteen years, we had three children. After each of the first two children, I thought of leaving him, to the point that I actually looked at realestate in my home town. I never discussed my feelings with anyone, as outwardly, we were the perfect family. I was really good at maintaining this image of perfection. The Stepford Housewife, but worked full time. Inside, I was a shell of who I used to be. I turned to running, to provide me comfort in a warped sort of way. It was the one thing in my life I could control. The number of kilometers and what I ate. I became emaciated to the point my extended family didn’t recognize me.
The third child was a surprise, I knew when I found out I was carrying a baby, that it was the end of my relationship, how it would end I did not know. He wanted me to abort, as this was going to ruin his life. Not thinking at all about, what another child did to mine or my career or my struggle with body image. He quit his high paying job to go back to school to become an architect, using a large amount of our savings. The whole time I was miserable, however continued to think I had to keep this family together no matter what. I was always worried that if he didn’t get what he wanted he would leave me, so I never objected to any of his plans or ideas. I wasn’t happy, but my feelings were shelved as they had been for years. After our third child was born, he found a job with an architectural consulting firm. The salary was a third of what he normally made as an engineer. But is was better than not having money coming in, as I was on maternity leave. I returned to work early after our third child, and ironically my office was for the first time just down the block from where the firm he worked for. In all our years together, we had never worked in such close proximity. He started talking about this woman on a regular basis, his secretary. I had even met her a couple of times, not having any concerns about what their relationship was. I even started to joke that she was his “office wife”. Well the joke was on me, as on Family Day 2012, as we were skating at an outdoor oval with our children and his sister and her family, he told me he wanted a divorce. He was leaving me for the “office wife”. I was humiliated, felt so stupid, angry, and was scared. I had three children and our youngest had just turned a year. Two days later as I was talking to my Mom on the phone, I realized that I was much better off without him. My routine with work and the children never did change, since he left for work, before the kids woke up in the mornings and returned home after they were in bed. Until we told the children that we were separating, the children had no idea that their Dad had not been living at the house.
I am now three years post separation. I have struggled a lot in the past three years dealing with the feelings of rejection, worthlessness, not good enough…but thanks to family, friends, and a great counselor, my life is 100 times better and my children and I are no longer walking on eggshells or are having to pretend to be that perfect family.
Dear Kathleen,
Your story is my story. My children and I are 100 times happier without him in our lives and we no longer have to walk in eggshells or pretend to be the perfect family anymore.
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m not divorced yet but the process of separating has begun. My husband told me in Feb he was done. The five stages of loss have been an ongoing cycle for me since. Last night though I finally had a break through. I was finally able to understand why I was trying so hard to make it work. My core fear was/is abandonment issues. Once I understood that fear I know I’m going to be able to work with it. I finally opened my eyes to realizing that my husband started emotionally cheating on me when I was pregnant and sexually and emotionally cheated on me when our baby was only 7 months old. I didn’t divorce him back then simply because the idea of split custody meant time away from my new baby. So I stayed…never got better. Our son is now close to turning 7 years old. I’m not going to try and save this marriage anymore. I deserve someone who will love, cherish and appreciate me. I too married the wrong guy but I did gain a very beautiful and amazing son. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. I believe it truly helps to know we aren’t truly alone.
Hi Sasha and Katleen, We are not alone, there are so many of us. We no longer have to walk on eggshells or try to make something impossible work. Always remember it is not us it is them!