I couldn’t make my ex be an involved dad, but divorce did!
While I was married to my ex, I pulled the majority of the weight when it came to housework and child-related responsibilities. Our son was born with some complicated medical needs, and it was always me attending his therapy, doctor, and special education appointments. In those times, I don’t think my children’s father could have named their doctors or teachers at gunpoint, let alone described their daily routines, preferences, and needs.
I know I am not the only woman with a wasband who was present in the flesh but checked out when it came to family life or parenting. I also know that I am not the only former wife to recognize a difference in her former spouse’s involvement with the kids following, and probably because of, divorce.
In short, divorce made my ex become a better father!
I don’t have surveillance footage of my ex’s home; but, I would imagine that when I left, a massive jolt hit his home somewhere around the time that a mountain of dirty dishes and laundry piled so high that it was no longer possible to navigate through the house or find anything to eat from or wear. I’ll admit that I have found momentary sick satisfaction from knowing that my absence surely meant that he would have to come to realize the impact I had on our home and his life and that he might even be forced to appreciate me- if only for a moment!
Although I will always feel bad for my kids because they are children of divorce, I am pleased for them that they finally have a father who is more attentive to their needs, involved in their lives, and carrying his share of our family’s load.
I was no longer there to pick up all the dirty socks, shop for and prepare all the food, and mind the kids full time. I was the one who always stayed home with them when they were sick, stayed up with them all night when they were babies, and ran around behind all three of them (him included) cleaning up all their messes and addressing every need. I was tired. I was burned out. I felt used like a worn-out doormat because I did it all with hardly ever a word of appreciation or a bit of effort to help carry the load!
Divorce, for me, was like a welcome break from always being the maid on call.
Now he had to step up and cook, clean, and parent! I feel bad that my kids had to endure the adjustment period while he was forced to transition from king of the couch to manager of his home. I know there was a spell of time when the availability of clean clothes was lacking and every meal was a variation of the only thing he knew how to cook: burritos.
As the old saying goes: “necessity is the mother of invention…” Nothing in his life needed to be invented, but he was sorely out of practice with any sort of domestic tasks. Now he had to jump in and be the available parent during his time with the kids, and if he and the kids wanted to eat or have anything to wear, he would have to make himself learn and complete a few new tricks!
I suppose I could be partly to blame. I tried so hard to be the quintessential “good wife” that I took on the burden of working a full-time job as well as maintaining our home and caring for the children. Yes, as an equal partner in our marriage and home, he should have been a more active participant in helping our house run, and less concerned with what was on TV. Perhaps, though, I should have never accepted laziness from the other adult under my roof. It was not only not okay for him to sit back and expect the royal treatment just as it was not okay that I allowed myself to become his servant!
I am pleased to say that my ex is now present at most all school conferences, he talks to their teachers, he co-coaches one of my son’s clubs, and he does what is necessary to meet their needs in his home.
His way and mine might not always agree; but, he has experienced tremendous growth as a parent and as a man since our divorce. I would guess this was one of the most difficult lessons he ever had to learn. My attempts to gain his cooperation failed while we were married, so it took losing his wife and the former life we had to jolt him awake and make him take full responsibility for his kids and his home. I couldn’t make him do it, but divorce could!
Although I will always feel bad for my kids because they are children of divorce, I am pleased for them that they finally have a father who is more attentive to their needs, involved in their lives, and carrying his share of our family’s load. They deserved more than just a lump on the couch who was more interested in the fictional characters inside an electric box than the people right in the same room sharing his life! My ex’s transformation is just one more way that my children have ultimately benefited from our divorce. They may not have the two of us in one home, but they have two parents who are stronger and in a better position to focus on their needs.
It’s strange how something as disruptive as a divorce can be just the wake-up call needed to make someone face reality and become a better person. I know that I have grown and become a better person because of my divorce. I have had to face faults, learn from mistakes, and develop new methods of living. The same is true for my ex. Divorce has also taken him on a journey of self-exploration and facing new realities. He is better for the person he has become, and I am thankful that my children can benefit as well!
If I had a dime for each time I did something around the house or for our child that was later ruled as insufficient or wrong by my perfectionist ex wife I’d have a savings account filled with the full balance of child support owed to her for the next 12 years.
The point being, a guy can only take so much bullshit from a person that thinks she’s the authority of all chores before he says fuck it and just does his own thing.
We’re not worse at parenting, we’re just different. Just like you cut the grass like shit, shovel the snow poorly and do a crap job washing the cars, who cares? Oh, wait, you all never did any of that before we left. Too bad that stuff doesnt get factored into cuatody battles.
Hard to get to the kids to the car with 6″ of snow on the ground. Hard to play in the backyard with kids with long grass. Kids dirty the car so fast!
Guys are great parents. Women are great at nagging because…. why? Why do you nag? Ugh.
Even with all the stress that custody battles cause, it’s 1000x’s better than hearing the exes voice telling us how we did this wrong or that wrong. Smdh.
The rational woman is a rare find when it comes to divorce and children. If you find yourself pissed about this post, you’re not one of them.
Hello, DJay, and thanks for your comment! Let me be the first to say that I 100% agree that men (and women) have the capacity to be the most amazing parents and partners! I am now married to such a man, and I know plenty of incredible dads and single dads who prove what a great job men can do in this role. This article is not about those men who are involved, available, loving, and “on it.” This piece is for the guys who might’ve really screwed up in marriage, but are now making it up to their kids as divorced dads.
There are plenty of divorced parents, male and female, who miss the opportunity to learn, improve, and grow through their divorces, and their children and future partners pay the price. That is a discussion for another day. Thankfully, there are some who (sometimes because divorce forces them to) wake up, salvage what time they have left with their kids, and become the things they are needed to be as parents.
The ex I refer to in this piece literally came home every day from work, plopped down in his recliner, and didn’t move or interact with anyone for the rest of the night. He wouldn’t talk to us, play with the kids, help out with anything, eat with us at the table, or move. Mind you, I also worked all day, then started my second shift at home by caring for the children, taking care of everything for the home, and taking online classes at the same time. TV was all that mattered to him. We were invisible. Those other jobs you mentioned like shoveling snow and mowing the lawn. They didn’t happen. I either made a path to my car myself or carried babies over ice to leave for the day. Sorry, but that’s just not right!
A nagging, never satisfied partner is a relationship killer, but so is one who checks out and might as well not even be there. I wouldn’t suggest that you or all other men are lazy and dumb any more than it would be appropriate for you to suggest that all women nag and bitch about everything! Bullshit is bullshit, and none of us should have to accept the crappy treatment of a partner. A relationship is supposed to be two people working together, supporting one another, and loving, not attacking one another or leaving the other to carry the whole load alone! I’m sorry your ex put you through that hell, just please don’t assume that we’re all cut from that same bitchy cloth!
Divorce and a terrible marriage is about the worst hell any of us can go through. I don’t know what makes someone think they have the right to harass their spouse non-stop any more than I understand one who neglects their family. The good news is that we have second chances to discover that not everyone is that way and we don’t have to be trapped in those bad situations!
Peace,
Audrey Cade
Ok, fair enough, lazy jerks annoy me as much as the naggy moms. I’m a worker bee, it’s how I was raised, not all are like that. I feel like honesty is the best policy and sharing is caring. Fairness is the only way to effectively coparent. Sadly, fairness is not my divorce reality. In settlement, I was told to take what I could get get because if I didn’t all of us would be broke. See, out of the gate I’m already making a sacrifice in my child’s best interest. I didn’t fight for a schedule I wanted because doing so would have changed my daughter’s financial comfort from day 1 of divorce. I couldn’t do that to her. My ex was willing to scorch the earth. And now, she sits on a culdesac of comfort. Needless to say i do not.
Perhaps you could write an article to that mom “we all know” out there that is okay letting their ex see their kid equally outside of the PO for two years but balks at making that time official.
The article could dive into why exactly receiving huge sums of child support and controlling the time is beneficial to the child. Making equal time official would mean no more CS… or worse, paying me!
Please cover why a mom making over 100k/yr. with an ex husband making less than that, would be ok allowing a child to be at the dad’s house equally but revoke that extra time when a motion is filed to modify parenting time?
Do the math there, it’s easy to see, mommy’s house is amazing and mommy has huge savings accounts. Assets are paid off. All while having the luxury of knowing when child is gone the child is well cared for and loved… I mean, why else give more than DOUBLE the parenting time allocated to dad for years if it isn’t good for child?
Can you explore that greed? Can you explore that rationale? Help me understand the sentiments, the logic. Help me understand why a mom would rather litigate, spending a combined $20k to date with no end in sight, instead of just agreeing to a factully based status quo? My attorney estimates we’ll both spend about another $40k each to see this through to trial. I had to mortgage my home!
Here’s the thing, this mom is undoubtedly crying victim in her inner circle. What is the motive here? Can we get some commentary here? Can you do it “confessional-style”? The world is really curious what drives this hate when they claim they’re “over it”. Are they??? Or are they just feeling that they are inherently the best place for all that power to reside? Is it a power trip?
I get it, your audience doesn’t want to read articles too sympathetic to the ex husbands. However, it’d be nice to see an article really breaking down those gender walls. When this ugliness disappears, coparenting will flourish. Kids will flourish.
If kids are doing great now, imagine the heights they would reach with divorced parenting actually working optimally!
So many thoughts.
Thanks for your post. Could I please remind you that they ‘ our kids and not yours’ maybe that’s why your divorced. I don’t know about other men but we are quite capable people. We parent different to women thankfully and maybe you were a control freak . Just saying from my experience and most men feel likewise. But before you say it – No I’m not an asshole , just a realist. Thanks again Bye
Same thing happened to my husband honestly.