I rely on humor quite a bit in my life and in my writing because…
1)I enjoy laughing and trying to find the lighter side of life and 2) sometimes I wear humor as a mask to hide the pain I really feel inside. I just want it to be clear that as I write this, I am not in any way joking about my feelings. Being a stepmom has been one of the most brutal experiences of my life. I have enjoyed great rewards from sharing my life with the four children I help raise, but I have also found my moments of excruciating heartbreak. Like today.
Nothing will prepare you for the eternal state of being an outsider, an intruder, or unwanted like marrying a man with children and trying to live with and help take care of them. When my aunt first found out that the new man in my life had four children, she actually said, “that proves you have mental problems.” I was offended by her rude comment when she made it, but I have come to realize that she may have been accurate.
I have thrown myself at these four children (now ages 10-17, but they were 5-12 when we started dating) acting in every possible way that I could to demonstrate to them how committed I was to being there for them and making them a part of my life. I go out of my way to show them that I treat them exactly like my own children – the same chores, same consequences, same level of presents on Christmas, the same time and attention.
Sometimes I feel a glimmer of warmth, appreciation, or like I’m part of the family. Often I feel like I’m walking on a tightrope over a snapping pit of alligators. Today my presence is wanted. Tomorrow I am vermin.
My patience and give-a-damn keeps wearing thinner. How much more can one person take? I am regularly stolen from, lied about, sassed at, and treated like I owe everyone. I’m welcome so long as someone has a request for something they want purchased or if they need a ride somewhere; otherwise, I am the resident waste of skin.
Like the tide, I roll in on the sand to show affection, be there as a rock in their lives, and extend my heart for them to break. I then recoil back to my solitude at sea as time after time my hand of friendship is smacked in disgust or one of them wipes their muddy boots all over my soul. My oceanic hideaway has become my bed with door closed to the world. More often than not, one can find me here either crying, trying to sleep away my sadness, writing, or tuning out the world watching a movie.
Today I give up. I actually fantasized about hurtling my car off of a bridge after dropping my kids off to their dad for his week with them. I imagined how their world would be so much better without the irritation of their stepmother in it. I imagined the tranquility of no longer having my heart broken after another betrayal. Maybe tomorrow the sun will come out again and I will courageously – perhaps stupidly – scramble up the sandy beach, like a hermit crab, to where they frolic and lounge in the warmth. Maybe tomorrow I will get a smile, even a sincere “thank you” or some reassurance that my presence means something to someone.
I struggle with what my role should be in their life. Many times I have been the life preserver who rescued their emotions from the disappointment of their own mother not being in their lives as much as they would like. Sometimes I’m the lifeguard, watching over the events and jumping in where needed. I think, perhaps, I am a lighthouse. I beckon to any in my vicinity with my warm and welcoming light to let them know I am there when they need me and to try to keep them safe; but, mostly, I stand alone. I am my own entity standing alone on the shore, watching the others live their lives far below. They will come to me if they need shelter, but mostly I’m a novelty.
I don’t know how to answer the question “would I do it again?” I love my husband deeply. I cherish the fact that I finally found the best friend, lover, and life partner that my heart has so long desired. I wouldn’t want to give him or our marriage up for anything. I love his four kids. Perhaps that’s what makes it hurt so bad. I love them, I hurt for them, I try to be there and do everything for them; but, I am just a painful reminder of who I’m not: their mother. Every act of love is a sort of insult because it’s not her doing it. Every time I have to speak up for myself or the rules of the house, I am an unforgiveable monster for doing so.
It’s a truly no win situation. Next week is their mother’s week, but I already know they will be here 4 days of her 7. I predict many frustrated and lonely hours of sitting on my bed resenting the passage of time and mourning what could be. I live for the occasional moments when my husband and I finally have a moment to ourselves, and I blindly put my faith in the hope that “things will get better” or “eventually they will grow up and understand it and appreciate everything.”
I pray for all of you other stepmoms out there feeling this pain. I know I’m not alone. I believe there should be some special order of extraordinary women (and men) who open their hearts to the damaged children of divorce in hopes of bringing them comfort or stability. This path we travel is more challenging than just about anything else I can imagine. I am broken today, but I will try to pull myself up and carry on tomorrow.
I am sorry to hear about your experience as a stepmom because mine has been good. It has been 19 years. When I got married, the 2 boys were 6 and 11. I do think the younger they are, the easier it is. Our kids have great appreciation for me, their dad and mom. I know lots must have been said to you about how the children may not be their best selves because of the divorce, so I am not ging to go there.
What I don’t hear is how your husband is with this situation. Your husband plays a big role too. He is not mentioned in this article and I hear you saying you feel alone. Do you not feel you are in this together?
Hi, Martha, and thanks for your comments! Overall, I characterize my family situation is positive. I think that our biggest problem is not so much that my step kids want to make my life miserable so much as the fact that their mother and father’s divorce has been high conflict. No matter how much stability and consistency we try to provide to them in our home, it all falls apart once they go to hers. These children are severely damaged by their parent’s divorce and wracked with feelings that they shouldn’t love me or their dad because of their mother’s influence. My husband is very loving and supportive of me, and I know he feels terrible for the way things are. We brainstorm on a daily basis about how to address these behaviors. The kids are in counseling, and we both just continue to show them love and give them a safe place to return home to. I am hopeful that they will one day “grow out of this” and also break free from the chains that keep them from acting with their hearts. I love them and I’m committed to them, I just don’t think anyone can prepare a step mom for navigating step parenting or living with a high conflict bio mom.
My children were angry with their father. He had an affair and married the woman. He and his new wife expected the children to accept their situation and play happy family with them. When the girls didn’t do that I got blamed for putting bad thoughts about the new stepmother in their heads. That may not be your situation but this is what I know about children, their feelings need to be validated. Until they feel understood it doesn’t matter how loving a home is. I’d recommend you and your husband brainstorm with the children. Let them express their anger and tell them it’s OK because you both love them and will continue to do so. It’s something my ex and his new wife aren’t able to do. They don’t want to listen, they want to dismiss them and blame me. As a result, his girls just get angrier.
Hi, Janice! It is definitely critical for kids to be feel free to talk and to love their parents freely. We usually sit the kids down each time they return home to us to give them a chance to vent and to remind them that we love them. This is also why we have them in counseling because they have so many conflicted emotions to deal with. We try very hard to assure them that we want them to have a happy and healthy relationship with their mother as well as us. No child wants to hear about all the bad things their other parent does or did, they just need to be allowed to be kids and not worry about adult matters.
Audrey, I can relate to this situation 100%. As a step mom to two broken hearted kids coming from the exact same situation as your four (mother not there as much but making them feel bad for loving their father or myself). It is the hardest thing to go through. To try and convince these two children that you’re only there to help them through life only to be stepped on and thrown around because their mom puts lies in their head about the realities of everything going on. I completely understand and relate to your feelings 100%. Mine are 13 and 11 and I’ve been around since the youngest was 5. But no matter how good I do, one rule or one discipline and I’m never to be forgiven. We do our best to do so good by these children and it always goes unnoticed. We can’t blame them because they are stuck in a difficult situation themselves. Between the loyalty to their mother versus believing reality and trusting their father, the battle never ends. But we as good, strong women fight this battle with them day after day. Being there for them as their emotional punching bag. Trying to understand their hurt and pain and doing everything we can to take their hurt and pain away even if it means hurting ourselves in the end. I 100% understand where you atare coming from and want you to know that you are a strong and deserving woman. And one day … one day they will see it. I hope.
Audrey, thank you so much for sharing “I am a lighthouse”. I cant express to you how much I needed to hear this. God Bless.