You have two choices: believe your new guy and suck it up, or exit the relationship.
When you’re dating someone who comes with a crazy ex, or more kindly and perhaps more accurately phrased, an ex-spouse who is acting out and interfering, what do you do?
Here you are, finally dating after divorce, and you’ve met a great guy!
He treats you like a queen, he’s fun to be around, and the sex is fantastic. Best you can tell, he’s responsible and loving with his children, and you have no reason to believe otherwise.
But his ex starts leaving ugly updates on your Facebook account. She’s trashing you in her blog. She’s taken to Twitter.
It was bad enough when she was stalking him through social media, and yes, he tells you. But what about your friends who see this? Your kids? Your boss?
The Angry Ex
The angry ex? We get it. Many of us have been there, but we don’t act out in manipulative and bizarre ways. We don’t stalk on social media. We don’t play mind games.
But the angry ex may act out inappropriately. Maybe she got a hold of your cell number and she texts you nasty-grams. Maybe she Googles you, stalks your moves around the Internet, trashes your reputation anywhere she can. As much as you’d like to… pretending the problem doesn’t exist isn’t an answer.
Some may consider this one of several potential dating red flags – likely to arise if his divorce is not yet final, if he hasn’t been divorced for long, or if there’s a legal action still brewing.
Others may find this challenge sneaking up on them when the date in question has been divorced for what seems like a reasonable enough time… two years, three years, five years… even longer.
So how do you handle it? What do you do? Isn’t this a little more than we bargain for, even with that irritating term “baggage?”
Ask Yourself Hard Questions
Shouldn’t we pose a few questions, like –
* Do we sense we’re in harm’s way?
* Might our children be at risk, or at the very least, confused or embarrassed?
* Does the “crazy ex” seem less crazy as we get to know the person we’re dating?
* How does he talk about her? Any inconsistencies in words and actions?
* Are we sure he’s told us everything we need to know?
There are no easy answers in these scenarios and as many variations as there are people, couples, and divorcing dramas.
But we’ve all read the stories and heard plenty – the enraged former spouse who takes their frustration out on whomever their ex is dating, at least for awhile.
And to some degree, I can understand, can’t you?
If the divorce came as a shock, if the spouse found out about a long term affair or a series of affairs, if the ex is constantly playing games with child support or visitation – and would you know, really, if this were the case? – I can well imagine that a certain amount of “irrational” behavior may take hold.
Dating After Divorce: How Good is Your Judgment?
If you’re anything like me, you’re wary of your judgment when you’re first dating after divorce. You’re not sure you can trust what you hear, much less your own feelings. After all, you thought your spouse was terrific at first, too, right?
If there’s no basis in fact and you’re certain of it – you’ve found ways to “check out” your new heart throb, and beyond what you can find on the Internet – perhaps you can ignore it and hopefully, it will fade with time.
But what if the accusations are true? What if your new guy is a serial cheater or has an abuse problem? What if he is lax about paying child support despite what he’s telling you?
What if the accusations are even partially true? Does this change your sympathies? Does it encourage you to question how long and how well you know your potential new flame?
My Suggestions, From My Experience:
My thoughts on the matter?
* Listen to your gut, use common sense, be sure to stay safe.
* Consider what you’ve heard, what you know, and how comfortable you feel with the situation – for yourself and your kids.
And remember my starting premise – you always have those two options when your date comes with a crazy ex.
If you do decide to stick around rather than calling it quits, be sure you know what you’re doing, or get out while the getting is good. If you’re “meant to be” together, you’ll find your way back… when the situation calms down.
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I had this experience- my guy’s ex was involved with another man which caused their split, but then she made everything a living hell afterwards. They owned a biz together and had two kids which really fueled the fires.
I began to feel like my man’s unpaid shrink and free legal strategist. It was exhausting and due to my wanting to ‘fix things for him’ I stayed way too long which only hurt me in the end when he got so overwhelmed that he abruptly dropped our relationship.
My ex used to represent me as the crazy ex, probably still does but I’ve removed him completely so I don’t know anymore.
He used to send me suggestive text messages then get mad when I shared them with his girlfriends (he had been warned that I was not keeping secrets, they had a right to know and I wished someone had told me the truth). The two I interacted with didn’t believe me at first, I was just trying to hurt him by ruining their relationships.
They both reached out to me on his behalf as their relationships ended because “he really loves me”, umm yeah that’s not the behavior I’m interested in living with. Be really careful which ex is the “crazy” one when you hear stories.
Yes, be extremely careful on which is the “crazy” one! There are nutty ex wives/girlfriends… BUT listen to those crazy comments very carefully. There may be a lot of words of wisdom that you can get about your new guy and there may be loads of truth in it. I WISH I had listened to my ex husband’s crazy ex wife who was a liar and just jealous. Except actually she became my biggest ally when I left my husband. I wish I had listened to what she tried to tell me but I believed my new guy when he said his ex was just crazy. She wasn’t crazy– she was trying to warn me. AND… I know after I left my husband, he told everyone that I was crazy, a liar, a thief, I was faking cancer and on and on. If the EX is truly stalking us and doing some frightening things, that’s entirely another story. But oftentimes, the EX isn’t our enemy. We will never know the dynamics of their former relationship. We are hearing one side of the story and the truth is somewhere else. Closer to his version or hers? Who really knows? I love the article though. We should talk more about this topic.
Crazy ex’s got that way because of a litany of issues with their ex’s. I know dozens of situations where the ex-wife was characterized as crazy, (I probably was by my ex and his crazy girlfriend of 6 years before I knew about her), and when the dust cleared, it was the husband who lied, cheated, and did a great to create the drama. My ex told me I was crazy dozens of times when I assued him of having a girlfriend.
My ex is crazy. I thought we could be civil, maybe even friends sone day, then I started dating…. We’vebeen divorced 8 years. He still yalks to the kids about why we divorced and how its my fault. (He cheated..) and honeatly,its been . Years….who cares. He has beaten the kids, threatened them, sworn at them…. the kids yell someone, CAS inveatugate….he hits and threatens them…they shut up ans CAS does nothing. I yell at them once a year CAS rakes me over th coals for months. Im tired…I cant fight crazy anymore. I give up. He can have the kid. I just cant do this anymore. Maybr, when there is no one else to vlame someone will see, someone will know.