There we all were, at Easter Sunday mass, a broken family. I cried through the blessing of the congregation with holy water because I thought it would be less noticeable. There was water flying everywhere. If I shook my head would have been blessing everyone, too.
I didn’t cry because I missed The Genius. No. Or still loved him. Not. I look at his burgeoning mullet and the tone-on-tone pants and shirt in a shade of excrement circa 1977 and breath a sigh of relief. The only thing missing were his flip-flops. Certainly, it’s not all about appearances. I’m far from being that shallow. But that outfit helped.
I look a little closer at him and see a man lost. A man who hurts because of what he has done. A man who has not fully grasped all that he has given up. A man who never thought one step ahead to see the potential repercussions of his actions.
He is no longer a man in my eyes. He is a boy lost.
When I look even closer and try to tap into how I feel about him while I am standing right behind him, I am struck by the emptiness I sense in my core. Not sadness, not bitterness. There is no pulsing anger (I still get angry when he tries to get me to shoulder the responsibility for his affair. That will never happen.), and my skin no longer crawls when he is near me. He just IS. He doesn’t move me one way or the other. So why am I crying?
Because I’m not over my broken family.
I didn’t plan for a broken family.
My oldest son sees my tears and wraps his arms around me, resting his head on my center. I stroke his beautiful blond curls as he looks into my eyes with his own magical blue saucers. Without taking his eyes off mine he reaches out to The Genius, finds his wrist and pulls him to us. He tries to join our hands. I can’t do it. I cry harder. I don’t know how to do this.
I didn’t get the play book.
I pull my son up into my arms and whisper in his ear.
“I’m okay, Sugar. The music moves me, that’s all.” He places a hand on either side of my face and gives me an Eskimo kiss.
Actually, the music sucked. On another day I might have found it entertaining. In a choir of 20 you are going to have that one voice that pierces and then shreds the melody of all the others. But when I found her, via her wide open mouth, closed eyes, and head tilted to the sky, I smiled. She was letting it rip and it felt so very good to her. I wanted to let it rip, too.
When it came time for the sign of peace, the shaking of hands with those around you, I attempted to forge a more perfect union with the wall at my back. Apparently, I have not yet learned how to access my super powers. I didn’t disappear. Instead, I cornered myself. The Genius turned to me, with our son in his arms, and reached for my hand. All eyes were on me. Will she shake? Will she rattle? Will she morph into one massive tear that floods the alcove we occupied during the standing-room only service?
You could have ordered a half-caf, double whip, mocha whatever, with a shot of tequila and a shiatsu, drank it, asked for seconds, and loosened those neck knots in the time it took me to send a signal to my hand that it wasn’t going to vaporize if I touched his.
He didn’t shake my hand. He took it in his as if he was assisting me out of a car, or readying to bring it to his lips and kiss it. And then he gave it a squeeze. A long squeeze. A squeeze that was intended to send a message. Don’t worry, everything will be alright. I know you’re hurting, I’m so sorry. Even though we are broken, look at how beautiful our family is.
You look so hot in that dress, what the hell was I thinking?
My face was that of a cat realizing the grass she munched on a few hours prior was about to come out for a curtain call.
There isn’t a message he could send that would mean anything to me at all. It scares me to look for the feelings I have inside for The Genius. Not because they’re dark or dangerous. But because they don’t exist. How could I have loved someone so much to then have every ounce of that love vanish like I dropped it from the belly of a plane over the Bermuda Triangle? I don’t like him. That much I know. But beyond that, there’s nothing. No recognizable feelings at all.
It makes me wonder if my heart is still there.
It makes me wonder if I’ll ever feel safe enough to love again.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Are you sure those feelings are gone, Cleo? Do you think maybe right now they’re just iced over, your brain protecting your heart for a while? I wonder if they’ll thaw at one point and you’ll feel all those things-anger, strong dislike (heck, maybe even hate). Or maybe you’re just really good at moving past things. A guy broke my heart in 1996. NINETEEN NINETY-SIX. Guess what? It still hurts. A lot. I’ve had several boyfriends since then and I’ve gotten married. I have a baby. But when I think of him, it still hurts. Maybe your mind and heart are just protecting you now while you’re in a very vulnerable state. At any rate, don’t worry about loving again. You will. The Genius may have taken many things from you-trust, stability-but he didn’t take away your capacity to love. I promise.
C,
No, I’m not sure. The only thing I am sure of is that I can handle whatever comes my way. I trust myself completely to be able to handle the heartache.
“The Genius may have taken many things from you-trust, stability-but he didn’t take away your capacity to love. I promise.” Tears fall. I don’t trust that I won’t make the same mistake twice.
I’m a perfectionist. Will I sabotage true love in the future by holding back? By not being fearless enough to risk being hurt? By not being vulnerable enough? It is a distinct possibility.
Thank you for your words. And for taking the time to write them. You’ve sent me off to look even deeper.
Love yourself,
Cleo
If you are honestly sure the feelings are gone, then maybe you never really loved him. And that doesn’t seem to be the case. There is no shame in admitting to yourself that you loved, got hurt, are still hurt, and that now you are finally starting to heal. I’m with “1996″ on this one. “Your brain protects your heart.” But it can’t protect it completely. Every so often, your heart will yield, will be happy for the good times and sad for the bad times. I know. Loving and losing, is a very hard thing and yet, when you look at your two beautiful boys, how can you not have loved him for helping you make them?
K,
I am so grateful to have been able to have my children, and I know that they wouldn’t be who they are without The Genius. But I don’t feel any love for him. At all. Maybe it’s because of the immense level of deceit? Maybe it’s because I loved someone that didn’t exist and when it became clear he didn’t exist the love died?
“…then maybe you never really loved him.” I loved someone that wasn’t.
My mother always says, Without respect there is no love. Mr. Jackpot and I have discussed this belief. He raises an interesting point when he says that he can lose respect for a friend because of a particular action but that doesn’t mean he stops loving that friend.
I appreciate your comments. I don’t want to bury anything or discount any feeling, even if that feeling makes me uncomfortable. Thank you for taking my face in your hands and making me look in the mirror.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh no! I think you got me wrong. I don’t believe in unconditional love, except for my children. What I meant to say is that for your children’s sake and your own too, do not deny that the love was there. Because some day when your children ask, and they will as mine did, “Didn’t you ever love my father?” You should be able to honestly say that you lost the love but that you give thanks each and every day, for having them and that for that, you wouldn’t change a thing. It helps when you think of them as you try to make sense of four years of deceit. I’m just saying, Cleo!
K,
I am grateful that I can say this now: “You should be able to honestly say that you lost the love but that you give thanks each and every day, for having them and that for that, you wouldn’t change a thing.” I might phrase it like this: “I loved your Dad at one time and it’s because of that love that I have you. And you, my delicious little morsels, are the greatest gifts I have ever received. I am very thankful that your Dad and I met so that we could have you in our lives.”
You rock, K.
Love yourself,
I can’t say that I have extensive experience in this, but I don’t think you’ve lost your love or your ability to.
While I understand that you feel like your love for the Genius has evaporated, I don’t think it has. I think it’s been temporarily over-ridden by your disgust in him and his actions. He is still the father of your children and, as you mentioned yourself, is still a good father to your children. The way I see it, there is no way you could *not* love the man who helped create that new life with you and who was (and is) there for them.
Even though he did make his giant mistake and it was such a long-lasting one, is it really possible to lose ALL the love that you once felt? I agree that certain aspects of your love for the Genius are gone, but I don’t think it’s all gone. I just think it’s hidden while you learn to deal with him, with the situation, and with yourself once more. Right now, you are focused on re-learning to love yourself, and I think that is exactly what you need to be doing at the moment.
However, I also believe that, with more time, you will see the love connections between you and the Genius again. Not the ones you saw and felt when you married the man, but new ones. They will be more subdued, perhaps, but present nonetheless. Isn’t it generally those who we love who can hurt us most of all? While his actions were a betrayal any way you look at it, would it hurt so long and so badly without a love between you in some capacity? I’m not sure.
To be frank, I may be 100% wrong on all this…. but I don’t think I am. (Obviously, right? Why else would I be typing all this out if I didn’t think it was right?) Maybe it’s even a new line of thought to roll with in your mind to confirm just how wrong I am. Or it could be the beginning of opening up another door in your heart you didn’t know was there… like a trap door, hidden under a large oriental rug and covered in dust…
Just some thoughts! Sorry to ramble on, so!
D,
Oh, you have me thinking so hard! I have to breath. I tried, as I read every word you wrote, to tap into a place where I might have some love for The Genius and I couldn’t find any. My conclusion is that I feel no love because he doesn’t deserve it. Yet, aren’t we supposed to love unconditionally? Love our enemies?
Seriously, you should see my face right now. The idea of ‘loving’ The Genius makes me purse my lips as if that alone will keep me from hurling. He just makes me sick. And it’s not just because of how he has hurt me. I actually believe the reason why I feel so strongly about this is because he put his children on the edge of a cliff for his own selfish desires. As a result, I have ZERO respect for him.
Yes, he is a good father. And now that “he doesn’t have to lie anymore”, he can hopefully set a proper example for his children. BUt for four years he put their needs behind that of The Happy Dance Chick.
That is stunning to me.
Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts. I truly appreciate the opportunity to mull them over.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I strongly disagree because I’ve seen the effects of this from experience. As I indicated from an earlier posting, I’m a child of a broken home.
My mother lost all love and respect for my father when she found out about his double life. When a husband cheats on a family, he’s not just cheating on his wife. He’s also cheating on his children. This goes much deeper than just “cheating on a wife.” He’s cheated family. That’s one step too far.
The same reactions of anger and disgust that I see from Cleo mirror very much what I saw from my mother in the mid 60′s. These two incidents may be far apart in years (almost 50 to be exact), but the similarities I see are just chilling.
I very much doubt Cleo will ever feel the type of love she felt for her genius before her discovery. I could be wrong, of course. Every situation is different. But I’ve seen this before. I’ve lived this before. It does not end well.
The Brady Bunch exists in the realm of TV Fantasy Land. It is not real life. It is not real feelings.
B,
I have to agree with you. I’d like to think I am that person who can love someone who has betrayed me, but I am just not that fabulous. But I understand D’s points. And I really appreciate you weighing in. It’s SO helpful to me. Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
I’ve never commented, but I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, thanks to Lainey. Just wanted to quickly mention that your anger at his trying to shoulder the blame of the affair on you can be detrimental to your progress. Anger is secondary to pain. Underneath the anger is pain. People hate and resent and blame those they hurt most. He hurt you so he blames you. If you get angry, you allow all his negativity to enter into your being and stifle your progress towards soul expansion.
It’s okay to feel it when it happens, just remember to let go of it, especially in the heat of the moment. Release it to the Universe in your little hot air balloon. And don’t forget to fill the space left behind with all the wonderful energy the Universe is made of. There is a reason you are here. The Universe does need you. You are incredibly intuitive so keep listening to your gut and your soul.
Love yourself as the Universe loves you.
-Nika
p.s. I wish I had more friends like you.
N,
I adore you. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and for sharing such beautiful, supportive thoughts with me. You have the ability to see the motivations behind The Genius’ actions and feelings. For the most part I struggle with that. Which is probably a good thing because I really have to focus on me. Actually, it’s not just a good thing, it’s by design. I can focus on him when I have to interact with him, but otherwise I need to sit right here with me.
I get the feeling that I’ve got some pain to let loose. I’m going to get on a mountain to do it. And watch it lift off and sail over the western hills of Marin. Thank you, N. Your words mean a lot to me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
PS: there’s lots of them here…you all should get together!
Oooh, girl, I totally relate to this. (I cried as Mass, too!) All I can see in my ex is that wounded little boy. No feelings. Maybe pity, but not so much as he is a grown man with choices and resources to get healthy.
I take my indifference as a sign of health. I was moving my picture files and sorting through them to put ones of him somewhere I wouldn’t see them unless I wanted to. Sifting through the images, I felt nothing. Not a twinge of attraction, or regret, or anger, or care. He just *is*. He has lost his significance to me.
You will love again, no doubt. But hopefully we will both be more selective about who we give our love to next time.
D,
I feel that I will love again. But I don’t want to hurt like this again. And I don’t trust that I won’t make a mistake and love the wrong person. I really have to work on trusting myself and boundaries. Gee. Shocker. I’ll be saying that for awhile, no?
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
I live in SF, getting divorced, narcissist, cheater, all of the above…..no kids though thank god. I just read your entire blog from the beginning. The universe is telling me things all the time as well. Thank you for this.
J,
Thank you for taking the time to read HGM and comment. Being tuned in to the Universe makes this experience fascinating, rewarding and not scary. I’m glad we both take the time to listen.
Love yourself,
Cleo
don’t you dare even question it. you will love and you will love hard again. you are so incredibly beautiful inside and out and don’t even get me started on your humor !! there are wonderful years ahead just waiting for you, don’t doubt that for one second. just when you least expect it, thats when things happen – you have seen this recently already.your head may hold your heart back in the beginning but eventually they meet and walk ahead together taking in the experience together. Don’t ever let the hurt narrow your path Cleo, there are too many open roads just waiting for you to blaze!
love you like my luggage you steel magnolia !
C,
Oh, you beautiful person. I have no reason to not believe! Yet, I know in my heart that at this very point in time I am too afraid to love. Will that become my M.O.? Or will I really be able to be okay with risking my heart in order to love another?
It’s too early for wine…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo!
(No need to respond; I think your blog is getting very popular and we don’t want to overwhelm you!!!!)
I am glad you are blessed with the Gift of Tears! My niece and I call it “Leaky Eye Syndrome.”
I just turned 59 and no longer get embarrassed (much) when my eyes leak. Giving up mascara has helped, though.
During the last three years, I lost my cat, my dog, my HOUSE (foreclosure!), and my dear brother. Plus my 95 Saturn was stolen FOUR times! (but returned! knock on wood). My 18 year daughter currently hates me.
Tears flow often and sometimes they flow during happy moments too! Despite all my troubles, I am in a good place emotionally and physically. I am happy all in all.
Sometimes I purposely turn on a sad movie on the weekend so I can have a good sobbing cry. I feel so cleansed!
Keep weeping. But most of all–KEEP WRITING!
Love you girl and I look forward to those chaise lounges with umbrella drinks and you someday!
–Jackie
J,
Did you intend for me to burst out with a full body laugh at this: “During the last three years, I lost my cat, my dog, my HOUSE (foreclosure!), and my dear brother. Plus my 95 Saturn was stolen FOUR times! (but returned! knock on wood). My 18 year daughter currently hates me.”?
I have read that statement five times and laugh harder with each turn. You tell your daughter I think you rock.
Thank you so much for the hall pass on commenting, but I simply had to respond. You are beautiful.
Love yourself,
Cleo
J,
At least you’re living in the moment! Use the encounter philosophy on her. And tell her to un-bunch her underfrillies. Life is too short to be the ass of a horse when not a horse.
Love yourself,
Cleo
You’re just fine. You’re on the right path. You will love and trust again. Don’t confuse what you feel about him with what will happen in the future – in fact, stop worrying about the future. It will unfold as it is supposed to, and you will be ready for it.
U,
You are my sage. Thank you, love you, owe you. As my Mom says, Worry is a lack of faith. I aim to remain centered, looking for joy around every corner, and with arms wide open, ready to catch the many gifts the Universe has been showering upon me. It’s helping with my hand-eye coordination, all this gift-catching.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hello C,
Time…it’s relative of course but as human creatures we are subject to the construct. In a way, it’s part of our evolution (subjective observation) and one day we’ll be enlightened enough to live completely in the Now and not be a slave to our past. Not yet though…
For now we survive by shutting ourselves down, it’s how we cope with the emotional overload, almost instinctive. There is so much you will need to come to terms with C. Be kind to yourself and relax with your current state of mind and emotion, it’s natural for someone in shock…which effectively is the state you still appear to be in.
The only counsel I can offer based on my own journey to date, is this. Do not worry about how you feel for The Genius, that will fall into place in time. Do not become your own worst enemy…you deal with the emotions as your story unfolds. If he is remorseful you accommodate, if he is a twit, you accommodate. Each emotion in it’s own moment in time. There is no value to be gained in questioning your lack of emotion for someone who has betrayed you…you are exactly where you need to be emotionally, trust yourself and the emotions will slowly make sense.
In the words of my Master, love yourself…and that includes every facet of your current emotional state – no exceptions. It will all come together…in time.
MLP
Xx
MLP,
“Each emotion in it’s own moment in time.” Each moment in time fully present. Respond, don’t react. Observe, don’t judge.
Honestly, getting kicked in the gut has been such a gift. I am on my way to becoming all that I intended I would become. I’m so grateful that I waited for me, that I believed I had it in me. I am amazed to see what I can handle. And I know I couldn’t do it all without all of you. Especially, you. You little physicist. You delicious morsel of smartness. Honored to have you here on the Blue Marble.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Years ago….when my ex-husband’s infidelity had come to light…when his double life was revealed…many, including myself, begged him to realize the damage it would undeniably do to our children…to our entire family. A very wise & respected family member even told him “You don’t realize it now, but divorce affects generations!”. All of it fell on deaf ears. He was determined to live “his life”, do what “he wanted”….”it’s all about me, me, me!”
We are now sooo very broken….I am still – after 5 years – financially struggling (and probably always will be)…after years of trying to do it on my own – I had no choice but to uproot my girls from all we have ever known to live in another state WITH my mother…I am striving to get a life for us again. He is now 4 states away, chasing a girl he is literally obsessed with (I still get an occasional stray text meant for HER, but sent to ME….begging like a child for forgiveness or love from her…eww!)….all the while his 3 beautiful daughters go without ANY attention, guidance and very little contact from their father at all. They are 11, 11 and 17 and it is as if their father….the one they have memories of…the one who helped them with homework…the one who practiced soccer with them….the one who tucked them in at night….has literally vanished from their life. ALL THEY HAVE IS MEMORIES of a life they loved and will forever mourn the loss of it. There are days when I think I will die from the sadness of what was lost. Sure…we go one….we are surviving….we are dealing….we are moving on…..but make no mistake…….myself, my girls, my parents, his parents and yes, even him….WE ARE BROKEN. And I have no doubt the ramifications of this will affect generations to come in my family.
“A man who never thought one step ahead to see the potential repercussions of his actions.”
And the first dominoe begins to fall.
We will survive this. Much love!
K,
Thank you for taking the time to read HGM and comment. I am so sorry it has taken me this long to respond. How sad for him that he is unable to be present for his children. But, perhaps, better for them at this time that he is not. They will appreciate all that you have done for them in light of these most challenging circumstances.
Please, don’t be broken. Be present. Look for the opportunities to celebrate life. I don’t want to go all Preacher on you, but I want you to know that you can be whole. Your daughters can be whole. That we create these times in life for very specific reasons – to learn, to grow, to know darkness in order to better appreciate light and beauty.
I’m hugging you, kissing your forehead, and if a scratch behind the ears works for you consider it done! Please tell your daughters that there is much beauty to be found in the strangest of places. You are all beautiful. Wonder-ful. Gorgeous. Stay close.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Your heartS are still there. They have had a holes punched into them, allowing those feelings to drain away. Time will heal the holes, and love will fill your heartS again. Feelings are emotional , biological, and intellectual. Your feelings for the genius ( I will not give him a capitol ‘G’) were a part of you. They are no longer there because he punched that hole in your heartS . The emotional heart and the biological heart AND the intellectual heart. Your emotional heart says ‘ hey, what happened? where did the feelings go?’. Your biological heart says ‘hey, that hurt, and lets not let it happen again’. ( and it IS a physical pain ). Your intellectual heart asks questions that have no tangible answer. I have to agree with other posters ( myself included) who are futher along this path than you are, and say, the MAD is there. Whether or not you know it, feel it, and allow it right now, it is there-lurking. It will come out at some point.. and you will feel so much LIGHTER afterwards. Even though those feelings have evaporated ( as mine did INSTANTLY), the echos remain. It’s human nature to be angry when someone does us wrong. You can fight it, but its there.
I don’t know how you did an ‘outing’ with him around, never mind touch his hand. He thinks he’s got you where he wants you, looking like the bad one. Do not give him this edge over you, or your children. I would have a) not put myself in that position, and b) left his hand hanging. Your children think they can ‘fix’ this. It’s just how kids see the world. He is trying to make himself feel better at your expense.
L,
Thank you for taking the time to read HGM and for your words of guidance and support. Many, many thanks.
To be truthful, I don’t know how I do these outings either. But now I have 6 ‘Genius-Free’ weeks, and I am going to lap them up. I’ve got the boys to play with and so much to ponder. All while he is far away, feeling like a man without a net/home/family. I haven’t spent much time thinking about what this first extended absence must feel like for him, but it can’t be anything other than hugely unsettling. He’s gone. On so many levels.
I’ll continue to keep the lines of communication open so that the boys feel fully engaged with The Genius. And I’ll suck up having to skype with The Family Genius. Blech. But so very important for the boys, and they are my top priority in addition to my own health and well-being.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Love your site & love The Parlotones. Listen to this one.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2TaNqYgZtY
N,
Do you know how many times I’ve sang that at full throttle in my kitchen? That song, and The Parlotones in general, got me through the two months post-Pocket Call. I was able to see them in SF in a tiny little club during that time. It was magical. And they will return in June. I’ll be right up front.
Thanks for sharing the link. I hope others listen…
Love yourself,
Cleo
“How could I have loved someone so much to then have every ounce of that love vanish like I dropped it from the belly of a plane over the Bermuda Triangle?”
In some ways, I’m still getting over a relationship that I ended in January, 2010. That’s the part that shocked me the most at the time. After weeks of angsting over ending it, saying goodbye to someone I still felt I loved so deeply…
Very ugly things were said and done. The Other Woman (who in my case was known simply as The Conniving Whore) made a full appearance in my home. I wanted The Ex ground into powder. And then two nights later, I burst into tears. The Ex was trying to comfort me, putting an arm around my shoulders, and I shook it away, saying how frightened I was that a love so powerful could just *vanish* like that.
I haven’t been able to trust anyone since, although I would like to. Maybe one day.
K,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and to read HGM. I want to hug you. So I will.
Let me ask you this: Do you trust yourself? If not, make a date with the beautiful you and start on that journey. Please. Build a tight, loving relationship with yourself. Once you know that you can trust yourself you’ll feel more confident engaging your heart in an encounter.
And start small. The little encounters can mean so very much. They can be life-altering.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I’ve read your blog from start to finish. You write beautifully. You are more inspirational than Eckhart Tolle (his writing is so dense!) I’ve already shared your blog with my friends. We’re not married yet, but I think you (and the commenters) bring up so many important points of what qualities are necessary in a marriage: needs versus wants and how not to be blinded by the shininess. I want to drink wine and go walking along Limantour beach with you. Thank you for your wisdom and your commitment to loving yourself. I have a lot to learn from you! Your heart is still there, don’t fear. Sending love from the East Bay .
M,
I am so grateful that you took the time to read HGM and that it resonates with you. The time to explore these ideas is NOW, although it is never too late. I consider myself to be a late bloomer, so we’ll walk on this journey together. Do not stray! Someday we will have to take that walk, with wine in hand. Let’s promise each other that.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I am the child of a broken home. I see your pain. I have seen it before. I have seen this in the eyes of my mother. I have seen the wishes in the eyes of your children. They were also my wishes.
I am 48 years old. One never really does get over this pain. You just learn to live with it. Not every life is fair. Not every family is perfect. Not everyone is subject to a fairytale ending. Life just doesn’t work like that.
I will celebrate my ten year wedding anniversary this year. It took me a long time to reach this spot. My biggest fear was causing someone the pain and betrayal that my mother had gone through. Nobody deserves this pain. Nobody. Fortunately, my wife never suffered through this type of pain. Her parents remained married and loyal to one another until they both passed. That’s the way it should be.
I will not break this bond of trust. If it is to be broken, she will have to break it. I simply will not hurt her like this. I love her too much.
This blog brings back some brutally bad memories. It is beautifully written. While I will never know your pain, I have seen it. I will never forget my mother telling me one day, in a fit of anger, “the best thing your father ever did for this family was die.”
It was a terrible thing to say. It was also the truth.
B,
I am so grateful that you felt comfortable enough to share this story with us. I hope that you both joyfully gift each other the security of knowing that infidelity is not an option. And while reading HGM has been painful for you, I hope that it is also cathartic. You have motivated me to do everything I can to create a positive, loving and supportive family – that includes The Genius.
Thank you, B.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I get teary-eyed just reading this one – as I have with a few previous installments. If it is difficult for me, as a reader, to endure, how painful it must be for you, as the author, to write!! As you said before, this is a cleansing for you – thank God. Otherwise it would just chip away until you were nothing but a puddle of melted sugar – YOU are a tender, very sweet and thoughtful person who was blind-sided by a self-centered boy who has lost all he had in trying to get more – a real glutton!
Good swimmer though, I would imagine!!
R,
Hilarious! Glutton is such a great word. Thank you for taking the time to write. I hope this makes you feel a little better: I’m okay with the pain. I’m grateful for it. By allowing myself to feel the pain, I’m healing. And it seems to be moving at a healthy pace. Not too fast, yet not too slow.
Love yourself,
Cleo
i too found my wife was cheating. several years back. left open on the laptop staring at me. we’re still married. we did counselling. she had individual therapy, as well.
i tell everyone that in times of crisis, we should go back and focus on our mission. companies have mission statements, so everyone understands what the company is fundamentally all about. we should all have one. but then, if you took everyone’s mission statements and boiled them down to the purest essence, than you realize that we all have the same mission: we’re all just trying maximize our happiness over a lifetime. every single decision, large or small, fundamentally should be about that mission. but, of course, too many of us get ‘mission creep’. one decision leads to another, and then another, and before long we’ve completely lost site of the mission.
what i realized when i went back to thinking about what was most important to me, my happiness, was that what was most important to me was my kids. i would do anything for them and their happiness, for the rest of their lives. and that this was the mom that they wanted and they loved. and so i needed to make it happen for them. anything could be borne, accepted, forgiven if it served my love for them. my wife, she still wanted to make our marriage work, so i would not be the one to drive her away, to push away my kids’ mom.
so what i got out of counselling was that i needed to install a ‘software patch’ in my brain: a ‘resentment meter’. and i needed to monitor that meter and make sure that it is always pegged to zero. any activity on the ‘resentment meter’, i need to address right away. because it is when resentment builds up that the pressure needs to decompress, and that is usually when bad things happen. fights, arguments, nasty remarks.
ultimately, i’ve learned about love, true love. that my love for my kids led me back to my love for my wife. it’s not the same, for sure, certainly compared to when we first fell wildly, passionately in love. but love is accepting her the way she is. that she is a great mom. a great partner. she can be giving. but she can be angry or self centered or sarcastic. and i give her room to be that. but without resentment. love is without ego, except that one if fully responsible for making the daily decisions that maximize our happiness over a lifetime.
S,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. The ‘resentment meter’ is a great concept that I’m sure we can all integrate into our world. To me, that is the essence of the Observer Self. A part of you that remains watchful, pointing out when you are going off your path, letting you know when the Ego is taking the reigns.
I am in awe of your ability to forgive. I can honestly say that there isn’t a person on the Blue Marble that is talented enough to have been able to help us save our marriage. I could never, ever, ever trust The Genius again. Never. Did I say never? I meant it.
And without trust there is no hope.
Your words will help a lot of people. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment.
Love yourself,
Cleo
and don’t forget the Mission! happy life!!! ;o)
oh, and i also found that the healthiest time to think about the toughest things is when i’m working out. running, swimming, biking, great time to ruminate on the thorniest, the saddest, the darkest, the trickiest. until i get to my workouts, i keep those ‘chores’ tucked away in a little box in my head. something about those endorphins, they seem to help you think clearer.
i root for you to make to the choices to maximize your happiness! and love those kids. nobody else will ever love you back like that.
S,
That’s why I can rip off two hours on the ARC or mill and feel like it’s been mere moments. My ass is so happy about that. And when I scale Mt. Tam I leave it all on the trails.
I’ll be taking another 20 miler this Saturday. Much will be accomplished.
I’m all about the happy. Which is why I want to take my time working through the sad. I hope to do it now and have many years of bliss follow.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Getting over someone is completely skewed by having children/custody arrangements with them. You are parents forever. But you are doing well, and you can have a clear conscience, Cleo!
IMHO, partners, especially those with children, aren’t meant to be apart for months at a time. At least, that’s my take on it. Even if he hadn’t gone and gotten involved with someone, there would still have been those long separations and I don’t know how he can parent remotely. You were already shouldering most of the parenting and half of the support. Holidays are awkward but you don’t have to spend them together, you know. Unless you think it makes a huge difference to your kids. Your older son wants you back together, and he needs to get the message that that is never going to happen.
You will all survive!
C,
Thank you for taking the time to read HGM and comment. Your kind words lift my spirits. I really want to do this right – to hit the divorce ball out of the park. I am so grateful that I have lots of experience being, in essence, a single parent. I don’t have any anxiety surrounding that, which is a massive relief.
I’ll get there on holidays. It’ll take some time. Good thing I have till November!
I’m just so very grateful that I have all of you to keep me in check. To make me take long, hard, honest looks at myself as I flow through these days.
Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I can’t imagine how hard it was to stand there in Church with all the spirituality around you, it’s natural that these feelings would come out. I well up all the time at synagogue, and I am not a religious person. There’s just something about all that pomp and circumstance, the comfort of the ritual combined with your kids that turns on the waterworks.
I agree with CF in wondering if you truly have no feelings for the Genius anymore or if perhaps your brain and your anger at his betrayal are protecting your heart at this moment? Only you can answer these questions of course. Personally I would find it hard to not have any feelings. I am a logical person and for me it doesn’t make much sense if someone is so angry and hurt over the betrayal but has no love left for the person that pulled this incredible pulling out of the rug underneath me. The denial of feelings is often what causes a repeat pattern. I recognize not wanting to be a victim (I majored in that) and to find the meaning behind it all through this journey you are on, just be careful that the quest for it to mean something doesn’t mask what’s way, way, way, down deep in your heart.
It’s okay to still love the Genius even after what he has done. I’ve said the thing. It’s out there. It’s also okay not to love him or to never have truly loved him. Any feelings you have are okay, just be sure that you are owning them.
Right now you are in survival mode after one hell of a kick to the gut. Your brain is making the pain tolerable so you can keep going. And that’s fine right now. Just be careful that this doesn’t become a permanent state of affairs otherwise than you really are at risk for your fears becoming reality. Do the other part, the true owning of your feelings.
Sending you a big hug Cleo,
D
D,
“The denial of feelings is often what causes a repeat pattern.” Thank you. I have to sit with this alone, on Limantour. Or at the Marin Headlands at sunset. I CANNOT REPEAT THIS HEINOUS EXPERIENCE! And that is why I am scared to love. Oy. This is going to be so tricky.
I don’t know how I would ever be able to do this without all of you. And your guidance. It’s priceless.
8 months since the Pocket Call and I don’t even know how much I have successfully worked through and how much more I still need to address. And that is why it is so VERY important to stay in the moment. Right here, right now. It’s exhausting and exhilarating all at once. At least I know that I am willing to be brave. The rest will fall into place.
Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
CLeo
Hi Again Cleo,
Please, Cleo, you seem like a really nice person. Your writing is brilliant. It is time to start letting go of that which you can not control and start blazing a path which is your own. I say to you, let it go girl, it reduces your glow. Please do not be the one that can give advice but not take her own.
Cleo, I personally feel that a Mistake is something that is not on purpose. Your ex, the flee bitten dog that he is, knew exactly what he was doing with Happy Dance Tramp. No mistake there. You are far to kind in you title. This blog could be called the
Self Centered Bastard!
Really. Take a poll.
I hope you find someone nice in the future Cleo, as I am sure you will. Someone nice deserve to have you and your children in his life. Your children need a trust worthy male role model to learn from. A man of integrity, empathy and sympathy.
I was blessed with a wonderful step father after my dad cheated on my Mom decades ago. Sadly 40 some years after my fathers betrayal, the memory of the event still hurts my Mother deeply and my older brother who was 5 at the time still recalls those sad and confusing days with a mixture of sadness and anger.
I hope your husband reads this and maybe realizes that Betrayal is treason against his whole family. I hope your ex is really proud of himself. Oh yes and also I hope he goes to that really, really warm place. Again, not Mexico.
Have a nice night Cleo. Stay strong.
D,
Thank you, D, for your continued support and words of guidance. Perhaps my kindness will be rewarded, no? I love banking karma points. I agree, a mistake is something that is accidental, not intended. In this case, I think he had his mullet so fat up his bum that he never thought about the consequences. Why would he? He never thought he would get caught.
So sleazy. I’m just grateful that I was raised to know right from wrong and desire to be a good person.
I promise you I will stay strong. Everyone here expects that of me, and I expect it of myself. It’s the least I can do for my children and I will benefit from continued strength through the love and support I receive via HGM.
Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo, In response to what you wrote back to me, I want you to know that no one here expects you to be anyway or feel anyway except how we all feel when someone we love turns to someone else. Broken, hurt and angery. And a million other emotions that fly at us at warp speed. Ouch
We all just want you and your children to find peace and happiness. I feel badly when give you MY opinion on YOUR situation and then I push send. My messages are always long and I point out that which is so clear to me, but I understand that where you are standing, that being in the fire of the betrayal that you have been given, it is very hard on you and the children to some times see that brighter, happier days are soon to be yours once again. You are doing a wonderful job being a mother and in all the other capacities that your life demands you are doing your best as well. I want you to know that you are ok and the world is a better place because you are in it. You stand tall and do not let anyone make you think small. You will come out the other end of all of this crap with a better soul and a more comprehensive understanding of your place in the universe. I will not say that your heart will not forever more, carry the scars of some idiots betrayal. But that is all he has reduced himself to in the grand scheme of things, some idiot…The universe exists on checks and balances. Choose the right and believe in truth. You and your children are in all of our prayers. Do take care and hold your head up proudly for you have done all the right things. Your destiny is yours. Never forget that ok. Night.
Darrin
D,
Thank you. I appreciate your words of support and guidance. I’m staying firmly present in the moment, releasing any negative thoughts to the Universe to dispose of as it sees fit. And embracing all the love, support and joy I receive here at HGM and in my life in general. I have much to be grateful for and not much to complain about, really.
Thank you, again.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Ms. Cleo (I remember the commercials and get a chuckle out of it),
I apologize in advance for the long post, but your journey has really touched a nerve. I have finally caught up on your journey to date. Real life stuff, to be sure. Heartbreaking at times, reflective at others, happiness (I loved your post on your trip to the spa; we’ve been there, BTW, and it is great!) at other times. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that you are not a good writer. From where I sit, you are a great one. I have a great passion for writing also, just never have the time; I seem to leave my prose to reports for work… I also thank you for your reply to my last post. It truly shows what a caring person you are to take the time to respond to everyone’s posts.
I guess why I am replying to this particular post, and not the next one, is that this seemed to be the best subject under which to do it. I wanted to share my personal perspective as a child in that situation. I remember the crying.
When I was 5, my father left us. I had a brother who was 18 months old at the time. He was cheating and took off with his own Happy Dance Rental Car chick. Cleaned out the bank account, took the car, you name it. He went back to his “home” on the other side of the country, after we had only been in California for a few months (sound familiar?). I came home from school to the sobbing of my mother. She was up front with me as to what happened. Looking back on it; how could she not? It was difficult, but, thankfully, my Mom’s parents lived close by, which I think was a big help through those early months. What happens next? She tries to reconcile, stay together for the kids and all that. He is sorry, left his Mistress, but said he was “uncomfortable” in California. So we move back there. Not three months later, he cheats on her AGAIN! That was the end, and we moved back to California, sans “Dad”. There was no more of an eye opening experience, as a child, than to see how he treated her first hand. Staying together for the kids, ends up hurting everyone, IMHO. The kids feel the tension, at least I did.
It turns out, as I grew up, that I found out that his mother cheated multiple times. Six kids from four fathers. My mom’s father also cheated; did the same exact thing to my mom (left her when my uncle was 6 and my mom was 1). It shaped me, but in a very different way. Like you have said, I was determined to break the cycle. I experienced, first hand, what it does to families. After some interesting times (in the ‘70s, mind you), my mom finally met a man who was the antithesis of her earlier experiences and has been married to him for over 30 years now. I call him Dad, and he has earned it.
I guess what I am getting at is, as a child who went through it, I was bound and determined to break the cycle, and to NEVER cheat. If you cheat, why be married? I got extremely lucky; found my soul-mate at a young age; her family is very stable, met her, fell in love, and married within 5 months of meeting her. We both just knew. We are in our 29th year of marriage. Has it been a cakewalk? Of course not, but the one thing I took from growing up is to communicate, above all else. We found we head things off at the pass (well, 99% of the time, we’ve had some arguments for the ages over the years, but who doesn’t?), we look to each other to share our dreams, thoughts, and try to encourage each other in climbing higher. She is my best friend, and I wouldn’t change a thing, even the arguments. I revel in her successes, she picks me up when I am down, and I can safely say that I love her even more now than when we met. The struggles (young kids, no money, etc.) early in our marriage have been well worth it. This is not about me, however, (and please excuse me for sounding like me, me, and I in this post), I just wanted to pass along that there is good in this world, there are loving men and women in this world, and you are so right that loving yourself first is a great step. I really believe you will emerge from this a better person.
It is good that The Genius is a good father; that will help, and at some point they will more than likely understand why their lives were changed, ultimately for the better, IMHO, given the toxic atmosphere that he had a huge hand in creating. If my experience being a child in that situation is any guide, I would hope that they also will emerge stronger for the experience. They can be smarter than we sometimes give them credit for. As for you? Geez, you are taking such a healthy approach to such a horrible experience. I am rooting for you.
LTMM
BTW – We used to live in Sonoma County. The North Bay is such a beautiful place!
L,
Thank you SO much for taking the time to share these words with me. And many apologies for the delay in responding to your thoughtful comment. Wow. I hope others take the time to read about the beauty in your life, created by you, consciously. That 30th anniversary is going to be so worth celebrating. I’m not going to wait until it’s official – I’m toasting you both now.
I haven’t yet started creating My List, but this will be on it for sure: “we look to each other to share our dreams, thoughts, and try to encourage each other in climbing higher”. I always felt The Genius was competing with me. Maybe because he felt he couldn’t measure up. Maybe I made him feel like he couldn’t measure up.
But, get this…I hear the Universe gives second chances. I’m not ready to take the ticket yet, but I’m working on getting there. And when all is said and done and I’m in my rocking chair on the front porch of my writer’s cabin in western Sonoma County, I’ll raise my glass of Cab Franc to you and your beautiful bride in thanks for reminding me that anything is possible. Don’t go far…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow–I could have written this post word for word! I even say that my ex seems like “a scared little boy” and I always say that I feel way more pitty for him than anger because he never stopped to think what he was actually doing and the HUGE negative affects his decision would have on his boys.
And I ALWAYS cry at the fact that I don’t have an intact family anymore–it’s really never about HIM at all. It’s been almost 4 years for me and I still cry from time to time about the loss of that family unit. I don’t think that will ever really get easier but being around him definitely has and I experience him as a non-issue now. He doesn’t look happy, healthy or satisfied with his new life and I feel sad for him for that. I don’t wish unhappiness on anyone (well, maybe on my version of Happy Dance
I am only human after all LOL
N,
The loss of the family is so sad. But I did have a breakthrough on that front when talking to the boys about a family vacation, sans The Genius. When I first thought about going away I was teary. It won’t be the four of us. I was SO looking forward to that. My youngest was just getting to the age where a real vacation trip was going to be exciting for everyone. But I just had to look at it with fresh eyes and a happy heart. It will be a blast to go away with my little dudes. The three of us will blaze many paths, uncover many a lizard, splash in the surf, boulder jump, camp under the stars…and I can do it all on my own. All of it. With joy.
A few tears along the way are to be expected. Thank you for sharing this with me, with us.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo–
I have been following your blog and it has helped me soo much. I am going on one month of separation from my Genius….It seems that there is not another woman…just his crisis that has driven him away from me and my 3 boys ( 14, 11 and 1). Yes, in my eyes, we were dealing with normal marital ups and downs…I really thought we had it all…But he is lost and now is living away from us, popping into our lives every 2 weeks or so to hang out with the boys and make his presence known. He is a good father, calls to talk to the boys every night..but has stopped talking to me, only when necessary. I have decided to not let this break me, if not to make me stronger and better. I do still love him, but then I hate him for doing this and breaking up a wonderful family. I have learned in this short time to lean on all of those positive people who believe in me and do think IM GREAT….I was beginning to feel that I was at fault for this whole thinkg. But It was his decision…and I am doing well and I will be ok…whether or not he comes back . And I know that love will come to me again in a way that I never expected, because I deserve it.!!! So do you, You are amazing and brave and beautiful and witty and complete happiness is out there for you!!! God bless you for your writing and experience that is helping so many people in so many ways!!! Keep it up and thank you!!! xoxoxo
S,
“I have learned in this short time to lean on all of those positive people who believe in me and do think IM GREAT” Yes!
One month…so very new. But if you continue to see this as an opportunity for huge personal growth and let go of the need to control the outcome, you will succeed beyond your dreams. Read K’s words in the Mirror Mirror post. So full of wisdom. You and I have been given an opportunity to take stock of ourselves, our worlds, our creations. Maybe we were heading off trail and the Universe decided we needed to get back on track. Divorce can look ugly, and it can feel ugly. But it can be the best thing, the most necessary thing that ever happens to us. Or, you may one day open the door and find your husband there, wanting to reconnect. By tuning in to your soul, now that you have a rocking relationship with her, you’ll know what to do.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I have avidly been reading your blog and this post hit home more than the rest. We are similar yet different. I have a 20 year mostly unhappy marriage. My husband decided to pour out all the “gifts” (love,respect,patience,kindness) I begged for for our whole marriage on another woman. They hid it well. She was able to look me in the face on many occasions and smile like a Cheshire cat. (we all worked together) He loves her. Yet now he sees his mistake and wants us to stay together but he doesn’t treat me any differently. Well, he is more Polite to me now. I have been trying to find my true self. This year I have discovered his affair, been let go from work because of a rare muscle disease they won’t accommodate and am about to lose my home. Thank God my children are almost grown and out in the world so they won’t suffer the financial devastation too much. Sorry, I am prattling. I just wanted to thank you for putting elegantly into words how I feel about my husband. I liken it to nerve endings that have been mangled then constantly rubbed by sand paper until they are probably ruined forever. I feel, nothing. Not hate, not fury and certainly not like or love at this point. Just nothing. I wonder if this is a permanent scar or over time and with healing I could find my love for him again. Thank you for putting into words what flows thru my mind daily.
K,
You are emoting, not prattling. And this is the perfect place to do just that. I’m so grateful you took the time, and felt comfortable enough, to comment. And for your kind words. I have never felt elegant…good to know that my words are!
It’s fascinating how the Universe works…I was just outside enjoying the breeze and smelling the first rose to bloom and thought, Regardless of the Happy Dance Chick, this relationship needed to come to an end. I wasn’t getting what I needed and as a result I wasn’t capable of giving The Genius what he needed. Even if I had, would it have made a difference? Maybe not. There’s not much you can do with a person who has no morals.
Please be sure to take care of yourself as you let your emotions flow and your fears be. Be kind to your body as it deals with dis-ease. Breath. Often and consciously. I really want to know that you are putting your well-being first right now. The rest will fall into place as it has been ordered to by you. By your soul. And if he loves her, then why doesn’t he go be with her? I am stymied by that scenario which I have heard of way too often.
Perhaps women know what they want but don’t feel that they deserve to get it, and men don’t know what they want so they try a little bit of everything, never feeling satiated. Just a thought. And it’s not gender specific. I’m sure the tables can be turned.
Love yourself, K.
Cleo
You may or may not have feelings for him, you probably do but it’s way too soon to figure out. I’ve been going through this since 2008 and still not sure of my feelings. The loss of trust and feelings of betrayl of someone who was supposed to be your life partner is something I don’t know if you ever get over. I think just time makes it easier to accept in one form or another. I know I still love my husband …or is it the idea of who I thought was my husband….but it’s no longer romantic love, more of a familial, friend love. It may change one way or another, I think it’s a mixture of I’m too afraid to make that trust leap again and thinking I’d like to start my life fresh again. I say we need to just let our feelings be and eventually we will know what they really are. just my thoughts….and also since I’m reading your blog all in one sitting…..I now have lines from Airplane running through my head…..picked a bad day to quit drinking …
S,
Let our feelings be…and sit with them. I have found they like the attention.
So sorry for the delay in posting your comment. I’ve been sitting with my feelings for the last several days. The good news is we like being together!
Roger, Roger. And thanks for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Advice unasked for: Be wary of telling your sons untruths. You told him it was only the music. His internal monitor knows better. He will not trust his instincts, nor trust women in distress if the messages you provide conflict. I know he is young, but that is the time when those messages matter most. Care in what you say, but always be complete in your honesty with them.
Ok, I have now told someone else what to do completely unsolicited. I am supposed to be working on that bad habit myself. Fix fix fix fix fix.
Oh well. If I were really apologizing, I would delete this now. Honest says, I’m more concerned about your children (via a projection of my worries about my own two sons, not nearly so young) rather than my own bad habits.
A,
I had to go back and read the post to know what you were referencing when you said, “You told him it was only the music.”
Wow. You are so very right. It was a simple reaction, wanting to answer him but not wanting to be direct. And a missed opportunity. The Genius would prefer if we just gloss over what’s happening, and I prefer being direct. In this particular scenario I was wishy-washy – the worst kind of way to be. I could have said, I’m sad today. I have a lot of emotions running through me and they came out as tears. Which is the perfect way to release those emotions so they can fly free. We can talk more about it later if you want. Hug. Hug. Kiss. Kiss.
I’m very grateful you took the time to give me your words of guidance. It is a bad habit to try to fix someone because we think they are broken. It’s not a bad habit to offer a different method of handling a situation that has proven successful for you in a gentle and non-judgmental format, which is exactly what you did. And it has made a difference in my life in just the few minutes it has taken me to reply to you.
Bravo and heaps of gratitude.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Recently discovered your blog. I appreciate your direct and honest approach. There should be consequences to betrayal. NOT loving your abuser is HEALTHY!
C,
Oh, how right you are, m’lady! I’ve said it before and it’s worth repeating: Before you cheat, have a conversation with your spouse. (I SO want to debate this with a serial cheater!) Then, perhaps, the cheater has a shred of hope that some degree of a relationship can be preserved. In my case, had The Genius come to me four plus years ago and said he wasn’t happy and wanted a divorce I would have been able to respect him for that. Instead, I just see him as a liar. Someone who was willing to screw with another person’s life because he was too cowardly to state the truth.
Oh well. We are all on our own journey. I’m glad you found us here at HGM. Stay close and thank you for taking the time to comment.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I don’t think it’s that you never loved him, it’s that there was so much going on and all of his admissions managed to wipe out the last shred of loving feelings you had for him.
It was like that for me. I did love him at one time, but after so much mental and emotional abuse and then finally getting caught red-handed, it was almost a relief that I didn’t have to keep trying to cultivate love where there couldn’t be love anymore.
And it enabled me to know exactly what I wanted and not settle for anything less.
S,
“…it was almost a relief that I didn’t have to keep trying to cultivate love where there couldn’t be love anymore.”
This was where I ultimately found myself. My mom says, Without respect there cannot be love. I’ve heard some pretty solid arguments against this, but I’m siding with her. Over time I found I could not respect him because he was not honest.
And now I will not settle for anything less. I’m so glad you’re here, S. Thank you for taking the time to comment and share your wisdom. Stay close.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
It’s Sparkle Sister….once again you hit it right on the head! I know so well what you were feeling standing behind the Genius questioning your lack of feeling for him. Ironically my “Genius” I call the Lost Boy. So I get where you are going when you say you don’t see him as a man but as a boy lost. I think respect plays a crucial role in love, once lost it is hard to regain, sort of like trust. There is so much loss in a family suddenly broken. We don’t get time to take it all in. Especially hard on girls like us who ponder deeply. I do think our souls know far sooner than our hearts and heads that something was wrong in the marriage so by the time it all falls apart it’s almost like muscle memory….our soul knew the love was no longer right for us and now the head and the heart catch up. Wow I went DEEP with THAT one ! Anyway…sister, you have a shine that is so bright don’t doubt your capacity to love Again…you’re already loving yourself so well and teaching so many others by example. You can not keep all that glittery glow to yourself. Me…I am doing the same soul searching as you and I am learning to love myself and the MESS. ….let the need for PERFECTION go its just a nasty word….it’s so much better to just GLOW with it!
Shine,
SS
S,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Your words are worthy of reading daily. And so very kind.
My Mom has always said, If you can’t respect someone, you can’t love them. Respect is essential. I also think that being worthy of respect is very sexy. The reverse – unattractive.
“…don’t doubt your capacity to love Again…you’re already loving yourself so well and teaching so many others by example. You can not keep all that glittery glow to yourself.” I needed this tonight. Thank you, S. From the bottom of my glittery heart.
I’m so grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo