First, apologies for the site being down. On an epic day on so many fronts, the traffic to HGM skyrocketed. And the server was digesting a Thanksgiving meal. We’re working on keeping it running and will have it secured shortly. Thank you for your patience, your interest and your priceless support.
And now to today…because we are finally both on the same day at the same time. By the end of this post we will be for real ‘real’ time. So on with it…
UPDATE: (March 10th, 10:07 PM PST) As you can see by the extreme use of question marks, we have not yet gotten all the bugs out after moving to a new server. I am so not a techie. I’m who techies make fun of. I apologize for the site being down and for the hassle of reading through the question marks. I will painstakingly remove them tomorrow but felt it most appropriate to spend my time honoring all those who have taken the time to comment. And now I must have wine to celebrate Daylight Savings time! L.Y., C
I created my present day reality. Not the affair ? the divorce. I attracted someone who was going to do this to me. Plain and simple. And I was going to enable it. We individually created distinct paths joined by the betrayal of The Genius’ affair. We?re both supposed to learn from it. I?m determined to. I need to take an inventory of who I am, what I love, my morals and boundaries, and my relationships. I?m drifting back to the place where I can start to look at those parts of me again. Had to check out for awhile.
I had my first birthday post-split. It was melancholy. No doubt. Which I did not expect. I now see it as a sign of things to come. I was opening up. And stuff was gonna come out. Mr. Jackpot made sure I saw the Marin coast, Mt. Tamalpais, San Francisco, Oakland, Angel Island, the sunset over the Marin Headlands and had the required birthday meal of red wine, steak, and red wine. Nevertheless, I felt like I was separating from my body. The negative thoughts took over again. About him, The Happy Dance Car Rental Chick, and the fact she spent time with my children. It was a lot to digest.
And there?s The Genius, pissed that I?m not nicer to him. I kid you not. He wants me to be nice. Not rude. Not so condescending. (I wonder, is it being condescending when someone lives in the moral gutter, or does it just appear to him that I am being condescending because of his actual location?) He wants me to be his friend.
I’d rather eat live black spiders. The kind with really long skinny but menacing legs that would grip at the corners of my mouth as I chowed down, fighting to free their puffy, fuzzy bodies from certain death.
But enough of that…now it’s tonight, and
Tonight is the full moon. March 8th. This time I took note that I created this reality, too, as I drove down the 101 to a Couples Counseling Works! (for some) session with The Genius. Living in one of the most beautiful places in the world, with two great boys, in a home I love, with an ever-growing group of friends that I really connect with, and being able to drive a short distance to the coast to watch the sun set and the moon rise after an hour of UGGHH is much to be grateful for.
And I got myself here, to this place, in a state of openness so that I could be grateful when no one would blame me for being anything but.
My “You can’t hurt me.” exterior shattered upon arrival at Dr. K.’s. The massive head cold didn’t help. I sounded like I’d been crying for days. I hadn’t. But I needed to now. So that I could let these emotions have their day in the sun. They deserved it. And so did I.
Today The Genius saw the affects of his affair. He didn’t want to look and tried the old “we were having problems in our marriage, we would have ended up here anyway” line and I stopped him cold.
“We are in this exact position because 4 years ago you decided to have an affair.” He tried to interrupt. So did Dr. K. I gave the hand to both. This was coming out once and for all. I had had it. (I love repeating had…it’s so freeing.)
“You decided to put me in very precarious emotional, physical and financial positions by leading a reckless double life. You may be desensitized to adultery, but it is the worst betrayal a spouse can experience. And in this case it’s amplified by the length of the affair. Having communication problems in a marriage and betraying your spouse by having an affair are in TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT UNIVERSES. Stop trying to swap one for the other. Your affair has caused this pain, this anger.”
Then I folded in half and balled my eyes out. I had already blown my nose enough to have it shut down completely. If I refused to breath through my mouth I would have died. Zero air was getting in either nostril. And now I’m sobbing.
Then I heard another sound. He was sobbing too. You may read this as sarcasm, but I was pretty taken aback and mean it sincerely (but for fun read it as sarcasm, too): A few actual tears welled up in his eyes and one may have tumbled down his cheek. That has never happened before. I don’t mean not during these last few months. I mean ever. He would “cry” but there were never any tears. Certainly nothing large enough to be ejected from the eye socket.
Then he apologized. And this time he apologized for lying and for having an affair. Prior he had only apologized for hurting me. You get the difference. I know you do.
I walked out of Dr. K.’s with two fist-fulls of tissues and left behind a lot of baggage.
Stinson Beach was my destination, a sleepy little town nestled in West Marin. I drove there with tears streaming down my face after laying myself bare for 50 minutes. I guess sobbing is a good sign, because Dr. K. was dolling out the compliments like I had just won the Spelling Bee, my March Madness bracket and Lotto at the same time. I watched the sun set and the moon rise, walking in the cold sand, letting my emotions lay on my chest. I felt parched and wrecked. Wrung out and spent.
But somewhere around a mile down the beach a wave of gratitude came over me.
I am grateful to have been willing to let The Genius see how much he hurt me. I am grateful to have been able to know what I needed to say to him. I walked along for another mile just feeling the sand and feeling my emotions. When I returned to my car I felt lighter. I didn’t have a gaping hole in my center from our session. I had survived being vulnerable.
And I didn’t have a single negative thought about The Genius the entire time. Doesn’t mean somebody should take up my cause, but I no longer need to replay conversations I wish I had with him over and over till I go all bat-crazy. I told him what I needed to say.
The reel of negative thoughts stopped playing.
That Couples Counseling stuff really works. Just not in the way I originally anticipated.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I was starting to read today and thought “why are they still in counseling? he clearly isn’t giving up his gf”, but by the end I see why. For you to make him see the affair, really SEE it, is priceless. I know people who have justified affairs by saying the marraige was in trouble anyway. NOT a reason, NOT an excuse. If the marriage was in trouble, then try to fix it or get out of it before you meet and fall for another person…DUH. The end of my marriage was a time of self-reflection and self-blame and self-confusion. I am on the other side and you are just climbing up toward the peak, soon to step up to the acme.
And by the way, the website blew up because of your Cosmo interview and the fact that I jumped on it to read it all and told every divorced girl friend I know. Then I realized, wow, I know a lot of divorced ladies
Tx,
As a redhead, I know what it’s like to be in the minority. As a divorcing woman who’s husband lived a double life, I have come to realize that I am quite pedestrian. There are many of us, which is one major reason why I am laying it bare in this blog. We need this. Long after the divorce is official we still need to be emoting, pondering, learning, bonding, being. Since the pocket call I have noticed how my feminine side has truly blossomed. My circle of female friends has never been so flush – both in person and people like you and everyone else who takes the time to share on HGM. What we can create here is priceless.
I am so very grateful for you. Funny how couples counseling works, no?
Love yourself,
Cleo
you continue to blow me away – keep true and love your life, ain’t no mountain high enough to keep you from moving onward ! love you
CR,
Onward, upward, Land HO! Thank you, m’lady. I let it flow, and then I check for typos. I’m without words (yea, right) to describe how moved I am by the support, love and guidance I have received through HGM. I would not be where I am today without the sense of community I feel here. When I experience something hilarious or awful, I immediately wonder what you all will have to say about it. I literally flow through my life with each and every one of you linking arms with me.
How the hell am I going to buy you all Christmas presents?
Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
THANK YOU for this blog. I am going through almost exactly the same situation in almost exactly the same time frame. Your blog is extremely brave. And immeasurably helpful.
Hesa,
You are to stay here. Do not pass go. Or go. Just stay. We’ll get through it together. Email me, comment, vent. Whatever you need to do as long as it’s supportive to you. I feel brave and know that you can be brave too. We have complete control over how we respond to situations in our life. I chose to respond as you see it in my posts. You know the term mindset, right? I prefer heartset. My heartset is that I will remain centered in the present moment and create positive habits (giving thanks hourly, appreciating nature, holding myself, literally, keeping open my heart, and loving myself) that will create joy. I have my moments, as you no doubt have read, but those moments are necessary so that I can keep my emotional body in balance. I just make sure it doesn’t become a cycle or a spiral.
Hesa, YOU are why I am here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
One of my friends pointed me in your Twitter direction and tonight I read your blog. Looking forward to hiking along with you on your journey
Susan,
I expect you on the trails at 9AM tomorrow – bring your rain gear. We’re doing 18 miles.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. It means so much to me to know that I am not alone. I’ll even share my water bottle with you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you for your honesty. I love the perspective that you bring, with a bit of humor. to what you are going through. I wish you strength and clarity.
Laura
RJ,
If you tell me you have red hair and green eyes and descend from tall Swedes I will write you into my will as next-of-kin. The parallels are surreal. He is unconscious. That is why he was able to move on – to someone who can’t call him on his emotional immaturity and narcissistic nature. You? You are awake, alive, beautiful, loving, loveable and you have your voice.
Reclaim you. His actions have NOTHING to do with you. But, I believe, you created this opportunity in your life. So now what? Sit with it. Go to a place that supports your soul and sit with all that you are feeling. I’m going to be writing about The Observer Self in an upcoming post, but I’ll give you a quick tutorial on it here. So you’re on the beach, on a rock or the sand. Sit tall, feet planted in the earth. Put your brain on a rock to your left. Tell it to be quiet. Nicely.
Take your emotions – all of them – and put them on the sand in front of you. Look at them. Talk to them. Give them space to be. Spend time with each one – fear, anger, hurt, insecurity, sadness…whatever they may be. Hold them. Let them cry into your shoulder. Pick them up in your hands and blow them to the water and watch them shower you with gratitude because you let them have a voice. Now split your self in two. Your body and your Being. Your Being is your Observer Self. The one without the brain to get in the way, but with the wisdom to observe the intellectual body (brain) and the emotional body. Let The Observer Self keep you calmly aware of what is circulating in your body, mind, heart from your right. Allow it to nudge you when you are giving away your power or losing your voice. If you start thinking or feeling that you are deserving of being loved and supported exactly as you are, your Observer Self should put arms around you and whisper in your ear that YOU ARE.
RJ, this is your journey. Not his. He doesn’t even have a map. Take it, own it, and know that you have support around the globe for what you are going through. I will always be here. We are one massive ball of love and support for you. I don’t have to tell you to stay strong because you are strong. I just need to remind you to…
Love yourself,
Cleo
RJ,
Yes! I’m there with you in spirit. You are taking care of and nurturing yourself, which is so very important. Even simply 15 minutes sitting in quiet with only thoughts of love and gratitude can alter one’s whole outlook. You don’t have to wait to set in motion the opportunity that this divorce journey has created, you already have done it. And I am so very proud of you. Please share your experience post-retreat!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you Cleo for sharing your pain. I’m not thankful for your pain, just your ability to share it and the lessons you have learned. I am a green-eyed redhead also and I grew up in Marin so I am right there with you the places you go. My girlfriends, five of us since high school venture to that wonderful spa when we can to commiserate about the challenges of life: two of us are battling through divorce, one battling breast cancer, one a sister who killed herself with alcohol and all of us have parents who are nearing the end of this life.
I have five years of experience in the CA family court system with my divorce. I also have two boys and they were five and seven when I separated from my husband. I guess I just want to give you a heads up Cloe about what’s ahead quite possibly, now that you are divorcing the idiot (sorry, I cannot bring myself to refer to him as anything else!) as my experience with the family court system here in Sonoma has been a circus to say the least. If you don’t know what you are in for, I implore you to research as much as you can before starting this process, know EXACTLY the outcome you want for your kids and above anything, do not trust that because people have been dealing with this in their professions for years (judges, mediators, therapists, lawyers) that they will have good advice or that they will make good recommendations to the court in the “best interests of the children”. My children have suffered and this process has been prolonged because I expected people to know what they are doing and do what is “in the best interests of the children”. YOU as their mother know what is best for your children above and beyond anyone, including the idiot. Everyone says that divorce is so hard on kids. Yes, it can be but if you have all your ducks in a row before you begin your road and your children’s experience can be much easier than mine.
Best of everything to you Cloe. If you have any questions, reach out and we’ll chat, I really do have A LOT to share that could be helpful!
Viv,
I’m on my way to your house right now.
Thank you so much for reading, commenting, sharing and the offer to chat which I will for sure be taking you up on. Your girlfriends are fortunate to have such a supporting circle that includes you. I will take your words of guidance and stitch them inside to remind me that I must be proactive and diligent in this process so that the process itself does not undo what I am trying to create. Which is harmony. A sense of normalcy. And enthusiasm for life.
It’s been a whirlwind since The Pocket call. But by staying very centered, aware and grounded I am able to pull it off. Most days.
Thank you, love you, owe you…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I was directed to your blog by Lainey Gossip. I was riveted by your words and couldn’t stop reading. Wow! I can’t begin to tell you how much I admire your grace, your courage and your ability to keep your sense of humour through it all. Thank you for taking us all with you. I live in a different country, 3 time zones away but feel like you could fit in with my group of girlfriends. We may never meet you but we will toast you tonight with a glass of wine. I can’t wait to read your next entries, onwards and upwards! Cheers.
Cookie,
I’m there. Three time zones is nothing! In the top 5 of Things I am So Very Grateful for is the surge of women in my life who have rallied around me to support me. You’re at the head table. Thank you for coming on this ride with me. And thanks for staying. You never know…I have a strange way of popping up when like-hearted people gather. Tell the girls I send my love, and…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Lainey linked to you again. I think she adores this blog in a more than casual way.
As far as the question marks go, you or your readers could just copy/paste a post into Wordpad (or it’s equivalent if you run a non-Windows operating system) go to “Edit” and select “Replace” from the drop down menu. Then anyone can replace the for blank spaces. Thereby reducing confusion when reading.
(BTW: I love how you don’t turn down your sparkle even when answering our run of the mill comments.)
M,
You said sparkle. My sparkle. I’m on Cloud Nine. LOVE that I sparkle to you. And you bring a solution to the table. You better never leave.
Lainey is a Goddess. A beautiful, smart, funny woman who I would marry if I was the marrying kind.
Andhttp://www.laineygossip.com is a serious destination for fun, smut and fashion. I need to send her a gift. Perhaps hockey tickets and a naked picture of Leonardo?
Thank you for keeping me in the loop, M. Is there anything you can’t do?
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
First, I want to thank you for sharing. I don’t think I can adequately communicate to you the catalyst your words have had on me in the short time I’ve spent pouring over your entries. Even though we are in different points in our lives, your messages speak so clearly to the values I’ve too long put on the back burner. To make a long story short, I’m in my late twenties, have battled depression on and off for years, and recently loss my father. Thank you for reminding me to open myself up to myself! To be honest with myself and stop pretending my negative self-talk and self-pity are my truth. That I’m here to learn, love, and grow.
After reading your blog I did something I hadn’t done in months. I picked up the phone, made a call, and made plans to have dinner with another person. I know it seems small, but with my depression and anxiety, I’d forgotten that I had the ability to have intriguing conversations over food. I’m remember that I’m a smart, fun, interesting, and often tantalizing person.
With all the love and sincerity you awoke in me today,
thank you and good luck in your journey. I look forward to your new entries!
Shana,
I, too, lost my father in my twenties. 23. I’m not sure how recent his passing was for you, but I will tell you that eventually the experience of losing my Dad became something I would describe as awesome. In the real sense of the word. Awesome for the effect it had on me, awesome to be there when someone exited this world for the next, and awesome to have had him in my life. Loss makes us appreciate gain. I gained so much through my Dad’s passing. I matured, I valued life more, and I valued human connection.
I am THRILLED you grabbed that phone. Don’t hide your gorgeous self from us. And it’s not small – it’s HUGE. MASSIVE even. I want a report on that dinner. But first congratulate yourself for taking that step. BE PROUD. Honor the courage an desire it took to dial that number. Then build on it.
Your truth comes from your heart. I want you to get a book and read and reread it: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I’ve watched my negative chatter many times. It can be a life-sucker. But it scares easily. You start coming from the heart, consciously, and watch those thoughts disappear. This journey you’re on, Shana, is designed by you to have certain experiences here. You are a perfect designer. You create what you need, but it is in how you respond to your creation that will determine your growth. Remember, nothing is god or bad. Just experiences.
I don’t want to overwhelm you with all the love and guidance I want to give to you. Please stay with me along this ride and we’ll get through it together. And do not hesitate to reach out if you need me, us. We’re all here. The world needs to see you shine!
Love yourself,
Cleo
“I wonder, is it being condescending when someone lives in the moral gutter, or does it just appear to him that I am being condescending because of his actual location?”
Hahaha, that is hilarious. I’d call you a “genius” (:-P), but you’re so much better than that – you’re brilliant! Considering how much of a deadbeat this guy is AND because of his actual moral location, even asking him to take out the trash would probably be ‘condescending’ to him. You are a fantastic writer and I really do commend you for this blog. Not only is your experience helping countless people who have been through similar situations, but it’s also helping people NOT to get caught up in those situations by giving out the tell-tale signs of possible dishonesty in relationships. Prevention and a cure – you’ve accomplished more than you will ever know.
Jen,
Kiss, kiss. Hug. And thank you for your kind words. To be able to connect with all of you makes every single thing that I have dealt with over the past 7 months (Holy arachnid! It’s been 7 months since the pocket call!!! Whoa. I had no idea. See what happens when you live in the present?) totally worth it. 1 million percent worth it. Writing HGM is the best therapy for me. It’s helped me in ways I never dreamed possible. And to be able to help others…for me there is NO greater gift. I am buoyed by the outpouring of gratitude for what my words have meant to those that read them.
I really pondered that question because the term condescending has come up quite a lot with him. As I reread it, it seems like something Alice in Alice in Wonderland would say, no? Which rocks. Because I love her voice. Stay close, Jen and…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow. I started reading this website because it was mentioned on Lainey Gossip(very original, right?) and it has certainly been an experience reading it. I haven’t been in a relationship before(I’m a teenager and the thought of it freaks me out for some reason) but I can imagine that being in a relationship with someone for a long period of time, having children with him, and then to find out that he was cheating on you with some slag( hopefully you are ok with me calling her that). Christ, kudos to you for not going all Lorena Bobbit on him.
Lindsay,
How do you know about Lorena Bobbit? I feel like that was so long ago! Hilarious. She was a gem, no?
I am so happy you took the time to comment. I want to scoop you up and hug you for being so honest about how you feel. Relationships can be intense. And beautiful. And hurtful. And playful. Perhaps it’s the boundaries we establish that determine how our relationships play out. What I am learning now would have been so valuable to me when I was your age. I hope you can value your parents’ guidance. Sometimes they don’t always use the right words, but the intention is there. Respect and love yourself, and if something doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t right. Look no further than inside yourself for validation that you are priceless, gorgeous, and loving. You will always be with yourself on this journey, so that is the relationship that is most important.
Thank you so much for coming to HGM. I’m glad Lainey was able to bring us together.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I too was directed to you by Lainey- and am so glad I took the time to read your amazing story. You are an amazing person. You have dealt with this with grace and style. Like so many other, I’ve been there. My husband of ten years and partner of ten more was cheating on me the whole time. From before we were married right until I caught him.
Worse, he was cheating on his mistress with OTHER mistress’s. He was cheating with people he met at work, the soccer mom’s on our son’s teams ( a whole other set of drama there when THEY figured out he was ‘playing’ more than one of them- how inconsiderate to our poor son ). When I found out, I kicked him out pronto ( wifey is always last to know). I have no idea where you found the strength to even want to make it work. I was so angry and BITTER that taking him back after he’d been dipping his stick everywhere else was never an option. He moved in with one of his mistresses ( who I later found out was an old school-mate of my sister and I )but continuted ( to her utter amazement – HA ) to see others behind HER back ( once a cheater- always a cheater). She turfed him out and he moved in with number three or four. ( oh my did SHE vent- facebook was XXX rated that day )Also ended the same way, which is a small victory for me ( ya I”m petty that way) So, I’ve moved on after many years of custody and support fights that left me bankrupt, angry and alone, but worth every sleepless night, penniless day and lonely existance.. just to be rid of that CANCER in our lives. I have since met a wonderful man who was cheated on by his wife much the same way. We are kindred spirits and both so ridiculously happy we regret not having met years ago. I am so happy you too are in a better place and thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story,which lets face it, is OUR story too. My only issues are with the ‘ other ‘ women , who so knowingly and willingly will do this to us, their sisters… thinking he’ll never cheat on them.. ladies,, don’t be the other woman.. think how it would feel.
Have some self respect and never fall for the words of a married man who makes you promises. He’s lying.
Thanks again, and all the best.. everything happens for a reason, even if we can’t see that reason right away.
Lori-
Lori,
How in the name of all things ludicrous did he keep it straight? I read your post ten times and I can’t even calculate the number of women he bedded! Wow. What a difficult journey.
Interesting that you say that your new partner and you regret not having met years ago. I wonder how the connection would have played out had you met then. Me thinks you both needed to go through the difficult pain of being betrayed to truly relish the delight of living an authentic, honest life.
While the actions of your former husband and The Genius look so very ugly, they created a lot of beauty, no? Funny how that works…
The enablers of these affairs have their work cut out for them. The women, the friends, the family members…lots of denial circling around those hearts. When we come to fully realize that we are each on our own journey, with full control over how we respond to the events in our life we can let go of wanting to make others see what we see. it’s been so hard for me to do that, but I am just getting a grip on it. And it’s been so very freeing. I am not responsible for others, their actions or how they live their lives. I am responsible only for myself and, as a parent, for my children.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story with us. I am so delighted that you found joy, love and great fulfillment. It can be done!
Love yourself,
Cleo
He was able to get away with it because I TRUSTED him. I TRUSTED him when he said he was working. I TRUSTED him when he said that I was being suspicious for nothing ( always listen to the little voices inside your head, well unless they are telling you to murder someone or burn something). He worked an hour from home, which gave him plenty of opportunity to ‘travel’ and to keep the lives secret. It all unravelled when I insisted we move back to our original home town. He had women he met on his route at work ( delivery driver) and women from my son’s soccer team- all divorced lonely ladies who believed him and his lies. Nice scene when two of them decided to have it out over him in front of everyone, including me. The worst two things for me were a) the betrayal of a trust, and b) the mere thought of him having sex with someone else then coming back to me. YUCK.
its all good.. as you say.. out of ugly comes beauty..
If I had met my current partner years ago I would not be the person I am now. My regret is not seeing it sooner, and missing out on having kids with the ‘new’ man, and so on.. but Life is not to be filled with regrets is it? so we smile at things and carry on, secure ( and smug ) in the knowledge that we have each other, and thats all that matters. I have forwarded your blog link to all the gorgeous women in my life who have been through this themselves, and to one in particular who might be going through it soon.
Lori,
YUCK is right. I have to go take a shower. Blech. How empty he must have been inside.
My mother always says, “Life is not complicated until you yourself complicate it.” He sure did that. One of the reasons why I am able to stay centered with grace in light of what has transpired is because I have not compromised my morals. Is that smug? Or simply freedom from the guilt of not having wronged another?
Thank you for sharing HGM. Forever grateful, Lori.
Love yourself,
Cleo
It’s not smug Cleo. When things were at their very worst for me, my counselor said over and over again – you need to stay true to your own integrity. You can hold your head high knowing you did the same and didn’t compromise your morals and values. That alone speaks volumes about you. We love you Cleo. You have no idea how much your words are helping to heal me.
D,
Thank you for your kind words. I am so grateful to have you here and to know that I’m helping you.
Integrity is my new little black dress. I’m wearing it. And it’s smokin’ hot. Glad to know you have it on, too. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you for writing this blog, I just discovered it today and read through the whole thing. I’ve been struggling with a relationship with a guy I love, who is my best friend, and who still won’t commit to me in the way that I feel I deserve. He’s made some great strides and is going to counseling but this blog made me realize that I have to take better care of myself, regardless of what he’s doing. I’m not sure what the future holds for me or us as a couple, but your words have definitely helped empower me to inquire what the right choices are for MYSELF either way. Wishing you the very best moving forward, I actually had a friend who found out her husband of 15 years was having a 7 year affair…I don’t understand men.
Oh, and one other thing. You’re an incredibly talented writer. Your words are powerful, heart-breaking and hilarious. Keep it up and continue to be good to yourself. I’m going to try to do the same
Rae,
Thank you for taking the time to read HGM. Your support and kind words help me stay on my path.
Your struggle is both beautiful and sad. Which might make it perfect. It means you are seeing it for what it really is and not morphing it into a fairy tale to suit your desires. Bravo, beautiful girl. Stay present in this relationship so you can feel it. Are you swimming upstream? Then something needs to change. I swam upstream for many years with The Genius. I don’t regret it, because it led me to this place, right here, right now. But I do have to spend time understanding why I put my needs aside for so many years. Was I afraid of stating I wasn’t happy? Was I afraid of being on my own? Was I needing his validation to feel loveable?
Maybe his unwillingness to commit in the way you want is his gift to you. Or maybe you might be wanting a type of commitment that doesn’t suit you. I, for one, am seriously reevaluating what marriage means. At this moment in time, and in its current state, it doesn’t resonate with me. It seems cumbersome and man-made. Not sure if that makes sense. I need to sit with that one for a bit. It will be an upcoming post, for sure.
I’m celebrating your thoughtfulness, Rae. You will center on the right next step for yourself.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Yet another here from Lainey. Your story has absolutely entranced me. It’s also horrifying to me. I find myself mentally disecting my husband’s every move. But, but…you are amazing. I can only hope I would handle such a situation half as well as you have. Reading your words (as beautifully written as they are) has made me feel like I really know you. You have such a talent.
Tara,
Thank you for your beautiful words. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to share my experiences at HGM.
Infidelity seems rampant these days. I haven’t met a happily married woman in weeks. (I’m doing a little unofficial survey…zilch on the happiness scale.) May I suggest that you set aside the mental dissection in favor of listening to your inner voice? Listen to your heart. Tune in to your soul. Create a dialogue within you that will insure you are connected to the present. To what is happening in your life right now.
How others relate to me is a reflection of how I relate to myself. If I’m coming from a place of love and respect and a fearless desire to live life in an authentic way, those in my inner circle will reflect that. Those with an agenda counter to that will be sent on their way. Ever wonder why someone just drops out of your life? Your paths don’t synchronize anymore. It’s wild to witness it, get it, and understand why it’s happening. Makes it so much easier to let go.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Your words lift me up. Which is so helpful today as I battle a sinus infection that is so bad I’m certain my teeth are about to eject from my mouth and shatter against the wall. What a hot mess I’ll be then!
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’ve just started and caught up with your blog today, and it’s been very interesting reading.
I love that in the midst of the pain and betrayal you’re able to see that there’s a path towards something else, and you want a better life for you and your children than just one of bitterness and misery, or just one of acceptance and eating the immoral behaviour and staying together for life to the detriment of you and your whole family.
I can’t even begin to fathom your experience of that kind of betrayal on a romantic level (though I’m currently in the midst of experiencing incredulous disbelief and reevaluating a relationship with a family member right now, and that came as a punch in the gut).
I have a question, how is car rental chic able to meet your children? Has her marriage also ended? That post was just eyebrow raising.
Anna Mae,
These major opportunities for growth can take many forms, as I’m sure you well know. Whether it’s betrayal from a spouse, a family member, or a friend, it’s an opportunity to look inside and see why this creation is in our laps. I spend almost no time thinking about The Genius’ motives and most of my pondering time on who I am, what my boundaries need to be going forward, how I can remain open-hearted and trusting, where I need to dig deep to heal, and then I look even deeper. And deeper still. I am leaving no stone unturned. I vow to waste not a drop of this opportunity for growth. My soul craves it. I hope that you are able to reevaluate the relationship with your family member and move forward in a way that supports you and does not require you to compromise your values.
The Happy Dance Chick (I’ve decided to lay off the car rental part. I’ve stood across the counter from many a fun, delightful agent in my days. No need to skewer a whole industry of hard-working people just because one happens to be Queen Sleaze.) came to spend the weekend with her man. And he just couldn’t resist the urge to show off his children to her so he took them to the airport to pick her up and the spent the afternoon together. Isn’t that cuddly-cozy? Blech. She’s married with children. Go freaking figure.
I have let go of that brilliant move. I expressed my disapproval and moved on. For the sake of my children I need to address these bonehead moves and then get back to setting a proper example of how to live a graceful life. I want them to be proud of me and how I handled myself during this time so that they can recognize positive relationships and beneficial ways of dealing with life’s curve balls as they grow and mature.
Thank you for writing, reading, joining me on this journey. It means the world to me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Happy dancer, not car lady, got it
My mind boggles, but obviously their moral compass has a different setting. It’s just frustrating for your sake to know that there will still be moments like that in your future (though growth will hopefully be an outcome from each).
Thank you, I’m working on deciding how to handle the relationship while still in the midst of greater family crisis. I know that ultimately I can only be accountable for my own actions and reactions, and I have to act in a way that enables me to face myself in the mirror and like myself. I think I’m mostly upset that my perception was so blinded to their true character, that I’d overestimated who they were. But living and learning are how you get through life.
All the best, I’ll be following along
I’ve been pondering…as i’m 5 years post divorce and still single…in what ways do you attribute how you are doing in relation to meeting Mr. Jackpot? Too often I find myself struggling BECAUSE I am still single and longing for a wonderful man to share my life with. I know that finding someone shouldn’t be necessary to self-fulfillment & recovery from this mess….but it sure would feel alot better. Ya know?
Kim,
I believe we get what we need when we need it. As long as we’re paying attention! Mr. Jackpot was/is a gift from the Universe which I deserved and manifested. He could have easily been a man or a woman, or even a pet. A soul sent to walk with me while I flow through this experience. I was in crisis mode when he stepped in to let me know I was not alone. There was no romantic intention on his part, but rather a desire to extend a hand in a time of need.
Is your heart open? Have you stated to your self and the Universe what you want? Have you taken the time to rebuild your relationship with yourself, and are you solidly on your own path doing what brings you joy? Are you where you need to be physically? Meaning, are you living in a place that supports you and nourishes your soul? These are a few of the questions you may want to ponder. The end goal is to be able to state with the full commitment from your entire being exactly what you want for yourself.
Do that. Believe it. Keep your eyes (those on your pretty head and those in your heart) open wide. Don’t judge what comes your way. Don’t give away your spirit, your heart, your being. Stand alone and hold out your hand. I bet someone takes it in theirs. This is a start. Please let me know if it resonates with you and keep us posted on your journey. First and foremost…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I started reading your blog last night, went to bed late, read some passages to my husband, and we held each other tight. I am not in the same boat as you. I think I am one of the lucky ones who actually married a man, not a boy. That is not to say that we don’t have issues–we have. It’s not perfect but its a working progress based on love and respect. But your site, your words resonated with me anyway and to my husband. I’ve seen the devastation of infidelity (my father’s, my grandfather’s, my uncles–you get the drift; and even my husband through the hands of a long term girlfriend which turned out great for me
). I cannot imagine your pain because just the thought of my husband doing something similar twists my insides. And as a child of someone who was a serial cheater, I know how damaging it is. When your parents are your security and your world, you respond to the world according to what your parents show you. I resented my father for his inability to stay faithful, and my mother for her inability to walk away. As a teenager, I swore I would never be like her. As a young woman, I thought infidelity was a fact, I accepted that my future husband would likely cheat and that it was for lack of a better term “ok”. Cheating couldn’t be that bad, right? I love my father. He’s an exceptionally warm parent, available, giving, so is my grandfather. I couldn’t reconcile them as the bad guys, and certainly not my mother and grandmother. I thought I was being pragmatic, being grown up. Not until I met my husband, fell in love with him I realized that love, true deep abiding love means respecting your partner, and that includes fidelity. Thank you for sharing your experience. Your words have made me and my husband stop from the crazy life of raising a family, and look at each other with a deeper appreciation for what we have.
Grace,
It has took me a while to reply to your comment because I am so moved by it. Thank you so much for sharing your story, sharing HGM with your husband and for being so present with him. It will serve you both well.
“true deep abiding love means respecting your partner, and that includes fidelity.” Bing! So true. Sadly, with the rampant infidelity we deal with in our society people have become desensitized to its traumatic affects. It really seems that not only is it okay, but it’s something people really want to experience. How about not get married then? Or, have a conversation with your spouse and lay it out. If he/she isn’t down with an open marriage then part ways. Why do we have to betray each other? It seems so avoidable to me. If one is not a coward.
Ah, the slow creep of moral decay. Even as I wrote the above I thought to myself, Am I being too judgmental? Maybe people don’t really care about fidelity. And perhaps not. But I don’t know anyone who likes to be betrayed or lied to.
Quite frankly, being in a safe relationship where there is complete trust is about the sexiest thing I can think of. Affairs? That’s not sexy. That’s dirty. I’m bad at dirty.
Thank you, Grace. You live up to your name.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Is it really judgmental when you expect your partner, the one who swore to love you and honor you, to behave appropriately? To expect a certain level of behavior that is not hurtful or damaging? If that’s judgmental, then I’m happy to be one. Wanna form a commune of judgmental people? Sign me up.
P.S. Thank you for your kind words.
Grace,
I just want to form a commune. All you ladies (Are any guys here? If so, you can come too.) and me – judgmental, mental judges, we could sure use an organic veggie farmer and an arachnid fighter. (I’m assuming commune means out in the woods where those puppies grow large.) Nothing has to look like we think it’s supposed to. How we relate, how we live…it’s all shifting.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I got the spiders, as long as someone else takes care of the snakes.
D,
I love snakes!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo,
I got here via Lainey as well. I just wanted to say that your posts have touched me a lot. My parents divorced when I was in elementary school. They didn’t get along and I don’t blame either of them for not staying together (now that I’m an adult, that is… I didn’t take it well at first), but my dad did a dumb ass move and had an affair before the divorce. Mom caught him, of course, and that kick started the divorce. Now, my mom is the type of person who forges on and doesn’t like to talk about her feelings, but over the years I’ve managed to pick up bits and pieces from her about the hurt and anger she felt. Your posts make this even more real to me. I’m going to go over to her place tonight and give her a big hug.
I know it wasn’t easy for my mom, but she managed to get through it and I turned out pretty ok. She is one of my best friends and I have a very close relationship with my dad. I know that you and your kids will be ok too.
S,
You turned out better than okay! You embrace your parents, warts and all. And you are affectionate. And thoughtful. And perceptive. That’s pretty awesome. Thank you so much for sharing with us your feelings, your story. It helps me to remain focused on HOW I proceed through this experience so that I am present enough to make the right decisions for everyoneinvolved. My boys will one day be your age and I hope that they have the same feelings about me that you have about your parents. Your comment has inspired me. Thank you!
Love yourself,
Cleo
I just finished you blog to date, and what a piece of work your soon to be ex-husband is. I’m dealing with the same nonsense with one difference. When I asked him to tell me why, he said “to get over on you”. I didn’t even ask for an explanation, I knew how screwed up he was. It’s over and done and just waiting for the judge to sign the papers. I am happier then ever. Good luck to you and your little ones.
April,
Bravo! True happiness comes from within. Not from pleasing someone else or shagging some hottie. I, too, am happier and more centered and at peace than I have been in years. Change can be scary, and it can be the greatest gift in the Universe. I choose not be scared.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. And for being happy!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo,
I am another crossover from Lainey Gossip. She’s been my go-to-website for retaining my sanity during my Bay Street-style career (Canada’s version of Wall Street), crazy marriage, miscarriages, divorce and now single-motherhood/self-employed path. I trust Lainey’s opinion implicitly. So when Lainey pointed her readers in the direction of your blog, I had to check it out.
As usual, I am not sorry. You could write for a living. I read each entry on your blog one after the other in a flurry, unable to walk away until I could get to the latest one. I will continue to avidly follow your blog while you grow through your life-changing betrayal. I hope to be one of the many cheering you on.
The one part of your blog that set me pondering with respect to my own life is whether or not I would ever let someone back into my life. I have completely lost my ability to trust men. I just don’t know whether there are enough of them out there that have (for whatever reason–mothers like Genius’ mother, society, the effect of testosterone insofar as it negates their ability to be nurturing, etc.) the ability to empathize with women and the moral compass which you exemplify so beautifully. I have a young daughter, and I would hate for her to be taken advantage of in away way, shape or form. So, I am absolutely prepared to remain single to protect her innocence (note that my mother and an old friend of mine were sexually abused by their non-biological fathers). I am probably being paranoid. I’m sure I am. But I feel like I just can’t take the chance. (Much as I would love to meet my very own Mr. Jackpot.)
In any case, thank you so very much for sharing your journey with us. Hugs and gratitude from afar.
Emma,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. And your fears. Which are very reasonable! And thank you for your kind words. In August I was asking the Universe to show me the way to a story about which I could passionately write. (Was that grammatically correct?) Tada! Gift received. Not exactly what I was expecting it to look like, and that is in and of itself a great lesson. If we let go of the outcome, if we stop trying to control it, we will get what we really need and not what we want. In each case, the outcome will exceed our expectations if we are clear about what we need and grounded enough to receive.
I, too, expect to remain single for a long time, if not the duration of my days here on the Blue Marble. Which doesn’t mean I won’t have relationships with men. Just not in the way society expects me to. Mr. Jackpot…I chuckle. He’s a gift. Every woman should have a man who is a true friend, a soul-supporter. We are on individual journeys that are brimming with uncertainty, loss, hopes, and fears. His perspective is priceless to me, and I believe mine is to him. And to be able to help him helps me.
He is not called Mr. Jackpot for the reasons I believe some surmise. I will need to dedicate an entire post as to why he has that moniker. My intuition tells me that you have a Mr. Jackpot in your midst. He’s just waiting to be seen. Trust yourself to know good from evil. No one is perfect, but those who have a desire to leave this planet having done good are easily recognizable. If our eyes are open. I believe we can all benefit from reevaluating what a healthy relationship looks like. Disney be damned. (Sorry, Disney.) Fairy tales are so misguided. Open your heart, Emma. You are so very loveable. And please don’t go far…I’ll always be here for you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I realized after writing my comment that I implied that I understood Mr. Jackpot to be more than a friend to you. That was a mistake. At no time do you give us readers the impression that he is anything more than another soul resonating with yours as you go through this terrible but enlightening experience.
I think when I referred to him I should have said that I secretly hope to meet someday (not really anytime soon because I am blessed by an incredibly supportive mother and sister) another resonating soul as you have.
I would love for there to be a Mr. Jackpot in my midst. I will endeavor to remain positive about it. My experience in the last year since my divorce, however, has been that of approaches from married men or men in long-term common law relationships who expect me to be grateful that they wish to have affairs with me (how clueless!). I don’t really understand it except that narcissists have been attracted to me since day one–probably because my father is the EMPEROR of narcissists. I could tell you about my father one day, but suffice to say he has had a series of affairs on all of the wives and mistresses he’s had and currently, at the age of 72, is dating a woman younger than all of his (known) children.
Regarding your writing, I would say (without minimizing that this is actually happening to you in your real life) that your blog reads better than many a novel (watch out Elizabeth Gilbert). I’m hoping that, at some point, I will read that you’ve decided to take a long-deserved tango-lesson vacation in Argentina…
In the meantime, I am grateful for both of us that we do not live in Australia where the spiders have built silken safety nets above the floods.
Looking forward to your next post.
Take care,
Emma
Emma,
You’re coming with me to Argentina. Look out Latin America.
…”another soul resonating with yours as you go through this terrible but enlightening experience.” We ALL need to souls with which we bond, resonate, and join hands. I am just starting to get hyper curious about the way we tend to structure relationships here on the Blue Marble. Seems so cookie-cutter. It’s very superficial to me. And these relationships clearly don’t have the best track records.
I’m noticing that I’m attracting really well-developed souls. Very conscious. Maybe not the most grounded (I can tend to spend plenty of time floating in outer space myself) of souls, but souls that are deep in exploration mode. This is cool. I have flaws, they have flaws, and we all recognize this and are excited to work with our flaws. I’m learning so much from these people. Find some, Emma. Go explore. Tell me what you discover.
Oh, and also, you’re hilarious.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Same here for me. She’s a clerical cheater though. I caught her four years ago, It about killed me. I don’t know if anyone can understand though, where all different and handle things in different ways. She treats me like I cheated on her though, condescending, bitter, always critiquing. The only time she talks is to put down or bark camands, unless it’s about her. I can’t explain but I am living with mrs. Hyde….
Four years of this and my little boy sees her treat me like trash every day. I am so done with this abusive intentional treatment by her. It has aged me 10 years at least.
J,
I’m curious as to her age. But, regardless, please don’t allow yourself to be treated that way. Please. Gently, calmly and compassionately state that you are finished with that and she can either move out and on or behave like a domesticated animal at the very least. Perhaps even trend towards a loving spouse.
You might think this is hokey, but I’ve used this little trick when I’m out alone at night or in a situation where the energy of the people around me is just too intense for me to handle (I use this with The Genius ALL the time now) – I erect my purple shield. I know, I know. Silly. But it freaking works. I basically make like Captain Kirk and allow a purple shield to descend on my body and safely cloak me in its impenetrable glow. Nothing gets in. It just bounces back to the person sending it in my direction. Honestly, sometimes I think it makes me invisible. When she goes off lower your purple shield. No smirking, just a gentle exterior and a spirit that has left the room for the time being. Observe from above and see if you can learn something. Might as well make it time worth spending if you have to deal.
My hope is that you don’t let this situation fester as it is. Gentle heart, gentle spirit.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Just found your site and have been reading from Entry 1. So sorry for your losses; so joyous for your courage and strengths! I say tears are a necessary part of our healing… You might like thishttp://theindiechicks.com/when-life-gives-you-lemons-go-first-for-the-onion/#more-1353
Soon…
Annah
A,
Thanks for the link and for taking the time to comment. After I descend Mt. Whitney, and my feet are submerged in ice, I will take the time to visit The Indie Chicks.
Tears are beautiful. I’m grateful that my tears these days are either healing or joyous, but not from a place of anger or hurt. I would be more grateful if I could figure out the way! It seems these days I am shedding tears of joy in honor of Nature and all she does for me.
So happy you found us at HGM.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, thank you so much for this blog. I can’t even tell you how wonderful (but not really) it is to read another woman’s story and realize that I’m not actually going insane. My emotions are so all over the place. I relive every single moment so often. I live conversations I should have had or wish I had. I have told him what this has done to me, but he won’t take the blame. It is all because of whatever problems existed, and according to him, I have my place in this too. Because I told him to have an affair, obviously. I wish there was some kind of closure. I’m only 6 weeks out and this is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life.
C,
Stay close, read and reread the November, December and January posts. You are not going insane. Take a moment to prepare to laugh – I know it sounds crazy, but I believe you can: Men who cheat blame their spouse (I don’t know if women do the same thing, obviously.) because it’s simply natural, and they all follow the same freaking schtick. And that is why I want you to laugh, because it is laughable. By design, men who cheat don’t like getting busted by a woman. They want to be the one in control, because throughout the affair they have been. Controlling the wife, the mistress…having two or more woman serving their own needs. It’s a high, I imagine, for a man without morals, values or principles.
Now you are in control. Of you. Each day you will progress towards limiting the fantasy conversations, the negative thoughts, the brain chatter the I wish. Each day, if you are present in the moment and love yourself. Don’t look for closure. Stay firmly rooted in the present. Write out what you need to say and file it away. You’ll find you won’t need to reread it or send it or throw it out. It is enough to simply get it out.
Now, the fun part. Although it may not look fun right now. Go inside. Find that girl who made you laugh, who made you proud, who made others feel wonderful and beautiful. Let her know you love her. Find the girl who’s scared, and mad and angry, and wanting to exact revenge and let her know you love her and it’s time for her to go rest. Believe that everything you say in your mind affects your body, and everything you put in your mouth affects your body, and the single most important thing right now is your overall health – physical, emotional and spiritual. Take extremely good care of yourself. Do not allow your mind to run the show, beat you up or go off down unproductive paths. If it doesn’t feel good to you than DON’T DO IT!
I am so glad you found us here at HGM. The kittens are outrageously supportive, brilliant, and super fantastic. I know. They pulled me out of where you are right now. And I will help to do the same for you. Whatever you need, you let us know. Thank you so much for taking the time to let us know you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Chantale –
I was in exactly your shoes in January. I so feel your pain and wish I could be there to hug you and hold you in person.
Please know everything Cleo wrote is true. I couldn’t see it at the time at all. People would give me this wonderful advice and I just wasn’t getting it. You will.
I got to a much better place with the help of incredible friends and a very good counselor. I don’t know where I’d be without them.
I just recently found this blog. It’s been very healing for me. I hope it helps you as well.
Hang in there girl. You are alot stronger than you realize right now. You will come out of this with a much different, much better perspective. This is about forging a relationship with yourself, outside of any chaos he or anyone else brings to your life. There is a beautiful, strong stillness within you. Try to let it guide you – it knows the way.
D,
Thank you for taking the time to support Chantale. Beautiful words, m’lady.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you so much for your kind and inspiring words, Cleo.
I’m now 12 weeks out from the bomb that was dropped on my life and I am feeling like a new version of myself crawling out from the rubble.
Somewhere around the 8/9 week mark I ran into this wall, but a good kind of wall, and it just occurred to me that none of this is my fault. That no matter what I did or what I could have done, I am not capable of changing his actions. He’s a cheater, he’s been a cheater for years, he will always be a cheater, and his actions in no way define me.
I began doing yoga, meditating, deep breathing, exercising, cooking (I haven’t cooked a meal in MONTHS!) and I feel like a whole new person. I feel like each day that goes by I discover something new about myself, and I am growing to love the person I am more than ever.
I am ready to jump into this new life, feet first and see what is out there for me. The Universe has thrown a lot of good things my way lately, and I am recognizing and appreciating all the signs around me.
Love, love, love to all of you wonderful people.
C,
Love, love, love your spirit!! I want to get my puffy finger out and my rally towel and cheer you on! THIS is the way to move through betrayal. It may take time to get there, sometimes we slide backwards, but this is exactly how to support yourself when dealing with betrayal, heartbreak.
Thank you for reminding me of all that I need to do to continue to attract magic. And for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo