I am too honest to claim this perfect bum as my own. But one day I will own one. It’s never too late!
BIG NEWS! His Giant Mistake, the book, will be available FOR FREE Thursday, Friday and Saturday, June 26th, 27th and 28th. I know…the ad says Wednesday the 25th but I found a way to screw that up by simply pressing a button. Should have paused first…or had Mr. Perfect Timing do it. Please follow me on Twitter, LIKE me on Facebook and get the book for FREE on Amazon. Thank you, love you and owe you forever (as in I’ll bake you quinoa bars!) if you encourage your friends to share these links and write reviews. LY
And now to the post…
I’ve been training. With weights and stuff. Totally NOT me. A long time ago it was. I’ve been known to be a gym rat. But I left the free weights alone for years. Now I find myself returning as the mountains are put on hold. I need to work out some different muscles. (End of Summer goal: Bounce a quarter off my bum.) Physically and emotionally.
For the emotional ones I’ve decided that a steady diet of dating is the best course of action. Of all people, I am grateful to Mr. Perfect Timing for making it possible. Without experiencing Press Pause I would be focused on him, and I would not have witnessed my own growth in matters of the heart. Press Pause stopped our romance, but it pressed PLAY in many other ways.
When faced with Press Pause I chose to accept that it was the right move. To trust that I was and am creating my reality as I need it to be in order to achieve my goals. After Mr. Perfect Timing’s words sank in, without me charging them with a too soon reaction, reasons why it was a smart choice came to light. I played out how his words could have impacted me if I reacted emotionally to them. Walls would have been built. I would have adopted a persona when seeing him next. All cool and aloof. I would have dressed a certain way to ‘show him what he’s missing’ or dropped hints about ‘being on the prowl’ or how a man flirted with me somewhere. That whole make them want what they just said they didn’t want ploy. Game playing.
That takes a whole lot of energy, none of it well spent. And it guarantees that the outcome will be distorted and ultimately flawed.
That was me at another time, not me now. Because I know game playing is a distraction from focusing on what I’ve set out to experience in life. Game playing is in direct conflict with our soul’s journey. Choosing to manipulate a situation instead of letting it play out is a detour. A move that keeps us from our perfect creation.
When I returned home from the east, after celebrating my Mom’s life and coming to terms with her death, I concluded that Press Pause was just the thing I needed. A chance to right the wrongs of the last time I was single and ready for love and too flippantly and naively said YES to my former spouse.
The translation of Press Pause is, for me, Press On.
I’m in full ON dating mode. In a few short weeks I have learned so much. And experienced wonderfully intimate and romantic moments without a single drop of angst or Ego dancing or feelings that are either too high or too low. It’s all been just beautiful. How? Well…
The first thing I did was establish some rules for myself. They were born out of the ideas of self-regulation, emotional maturity and emotional reliability. These three traits emerged as essential while I was pondering my emotional stability throughout my Mom’s illness and death, which coincided with a two month whirlwind with Mr. Perfect Timing and my climb of Mt. Rainier. Let’s call them the Three Wise Traits. With the Three Wise Traits engaged and allowed to run free, I made good choices in the heat of the moment, many times over.
I do not regret kissing Mr. Perfect Timing, which kicked off a surge of emotions from and to us both. I hope he doesn’t regret it either.
When pause was pressed I could have attacked Mr. Perfect Timing’s judgment. Why did he write those words to me in the card I took up to 10,150 feet? Why did he kiss me? Why, if he hadn’t dealt with his prior relationship, did he hold me, pine for me, speak the words he spoke to me? Why not just acknowledge the attraction and not make another move until the heart is settled? Why did he say on that very first night that more than anything he wants to get married, and then, when he found ‘the kind of girl you marry’ snuff the candle out and hide the matches?
He lacked self-regulation. At least right up until the time he typed Press Pause, which is when he showed restraint and admitted to himself that the was not emotionally reliable enough to be in a relationship. Part of my willingness to easily accept his choice is that I appreciate the fact that he showed emotional maturity, the mother of self-regulation. For him, it was a major step in the right direction. A very good choice for himself. It took him two months to get there, and I played the role of girl who can handle emotional upheaval so boy can learn a lesson. Or something more grammatically eloquent but meaning this: I took one for the team.
In doing so, I realized my own strides in becoming emotional mature, reliable and able to self-regulate. This does not apply to my ability to step away from the quinoa bars with peanut butter and chocolate chips. That takes ropes. And someone to tie me in them.
So, here are my Rules for the Summer of Love – my manifesto for drama-free dating:
Rule #1: Self-Regulate. Make conscious choices that are driven by MY values. Do not play games, get on the relationship moving sidewalk, revert to the brainwashing of my youth. This is not about ‘getting a man’, ‘keeping a man’, or discovering the ’10 ways to land a man’. This is about making good and conscious choices about how to spend my time. Regulate my mouth, my mind and my heart.
Rule #2: Sex is Not Currency. I’m 48 years old. I’m not looking for a husband. I’m not a cow and my milk isn’t free. And it doesn’t have a price, either. I’m a woman. I have desires. I will act on them when moved to do so as long as my values are being honored. Honored by me.
(When I told my Mom that I spent nights with Mr. Perfect Timing I know she bit her tongue. But she understood that I don’t see dating as a sport. Two human beings connecting intimately (being emotionally open, vulnerable, honest, physical) is a magical experience that I’m unwilling to pass on. She understood. Wow – here come the tears. Wasn’t expecting that.)
Rule #3: No Agendas. Meaning, don’t use companionship as a detour, taking me off my path, or distracting me from areas within my own life that need attention. Do what is really right for the self. What really feels good. Not good-bad. But wholly good. Do not use attention from a man as a way to validate that I am lovable. Be conscious of slipping into old patterns of making dating a game, the win being capturing the fancy of a man. Dating, emotional intimacy, encounters – these are not games. I am not playing a game, and I will not be a game piece for another.
Rule #4: Communicate honestly, openly and from Day One. Without apologizing for it. And without being a tough girl about it. I am not looking for a relationship, I do not want to be someone’s girlfriend, and I don’t want to be someone’s conquest. I’m not bitchy about it, just honest. Soft. Respectful. Open. Loving. Forthright. And I don’t want those desires to be misinterpreted as playing hard to get. Because…I AM NOT PLAYING.
Rule #5: Be CONSCIOUS!: Why the caps and bolding? Because this one is SO hard to do. I watched myself slip back into trained Princess mode with Mr. Perfect Timing. It was like riding a…bike. He’s a caretaker and I started to push aside disconnects so he could care for me. And so I could be taken care of. It’s okay to soften and allow someone the pleasure of taking care of me, and it’s okay to be taken care of. Likewise, I can enjoy the pleasure of taking care of someone. But there’s a difference between the care that comes from the Ego playing a role and the care that flows naturally with no agenda. When there’s no agenda the care, the flow of love and acceptance, is so healing and easily appreciated. Whereas care that comes from the Ego is questioned, watched with a cynic’s eye. It doesn’t smell pure. And it hides the true, authentic self. Which leads me to Rule #6…
Rule #6: Be Authentic! I understand what this means now. And it’s easy to do now that I love myself, although I still have to be CONSCIOUS! What I have experienced is that my authentic self, the one I thought wasn’t all that lovable for all those years, is actually pretty much irresistible. You will find the EXACT same thing. When we are as we were always meant to be we are pure love and joy. The result is a phenomenal rate of attraction because we radiate love and light like the stars. Along with a recent uptick in meeting men the old fashioned way – in passing, friends and those I barely know have proposed a date or 6 in the last two weeks alone. Then there was the man who I didn’t know at all who, from my name, tracked me down on Facebook to tell me that he has a friend I HAVE to meet. I’m pretty sure I could get a date at a conference for gay men. Not because I’m any better than anyone else, but because people can actually SEE who I am. I am no longer a shape-shifter, ruled by my Ego who is always trying way too hard to be liked. I’m not on display. I am living life.
And finally, perhaps a rule only meant for me, but it’s key:
Rule #7: DO NOT tell anyone about HGM: Now that I am a ‘legitimate’ writer (although I doubt my former spouse would agree), I don’t have to say that I write an anonymous blog about relationships, which I am certain has colored my encounters to date. I am writing a biography about a remarkable woman who experienced the magic of Afghanistan and the terror, returning to shower love on a country that deserves it despite the atrocities she was made to endure. This part of my life, the HGM part, is only for us now.
One day I may need to confess that I write what I live. I’ll deal with any fallout then.
The Three Wise Traits are more valuable than frankincense, myrrh, platinum and meteors from outer space all rolled into one. I can date without any fear. Fear of being hurt, rejected, misunderstood. I won’t hurt anyone either. They see exactly who I am. Without the Three Wise Traits fully engaged I would be putting myself and The Dudes in harm’s way if I dated. They don’t need to see Mommy in a heap of tears because she got dumped. Or distracted by needing texts and Tinder swipes to make her feel validated.
My Mom was SO right when she said that I need to wait until July 2014 to date. Can you BELIEVE her accuracy???!!! It took this long to get to a point where I am in no way validated by the attention I get from others but by the love I give to myself.
Meet me here. It’s a freaking fabulous place to be.