During one of The Genius’ Cleo bashing sessions, he told me I was living in denial. That our marriage had disintegrated a long time ago. That he should have ‘blown it up’ (That phrase makes me feel bad for the person saying it.) in the first year. That not only were we not lovers, we were not even friends.So imagine the chuckle I had when I discovered the card he gave me for our 14th wedding anniversary in January, 2011, which began with, “My Angel Wife…”.
To be fair, it was more than a chuckle. I busted out laughing, spitting forth my gluten free beer that I had popped in celebration of a job well done as I ended the Day of the Purge.
He recycled a Christmas card that was very fitting for that year. We were planning our move to California, leaving in a month; selling our little version of a cottage in the woods, leaving 3 feet of snow behind and heading west. On the front of the card, up on a hill, tucked in the snow, sits a cottage. He wrote Happy Anniversary over the door. A snowman and his girl hug in front of evergreens dotted with red balls. Embossed in red foil, along with My Angel Wife, are the words: You make me feel happy, jolly, merry, joyful, blessed…
He circled blessed, and wrote below it: So blessed.
I was thunderstruck by those words.
Blessed? Why? Because I made it super easy for you to cheat on me for four years and THEN I got the brilliant idea to move us closer to your mistress? Because when I finally caught you I didn’t throw your stuff in the street, try to turn your kids against you? I didn’t lose my marbles in front of the children? I didn’t attempt to take my own life? Instead I seized your betrayal by the gonads and saw to it that it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Is that why you felt so blessed?
It gets better…
On the inside, printed in red on a blue sky, it reads: You bring out the Christmas in me. He crossed out Christmas and wrote: BEST. I bring out the best in him.
It needs no sauce, I’ll leave it as is.
I am laughing right now as if someone just told me about the best scene in a dark comedy. A laugh with a touch of the cringes.
Below that he wrote:
You are my angel. Thank you for sharing this lifetime with me. I am excited and proud and blessed to be on this adventure with you. Happy Anniversary. I love you.
In 2011 I read that with pride. We were embarking on a great adventure. Our marriage was only going to strengthen, we were going to put down roots in a place that would nourish our souls, and be able to raise our children in nature’s hands.
But when I read it now, I realize he left some words out:
You are my angel. But I’m in the market for a little devil. Thank you for sharing me in this lifetime. I am excited, because I am so living a double life and you have no idea, and proud, because I have been able to pull it off for almost four years, and blessed to have never been wrong, so I must be doing something right. This is going to be one hell of an adventure! Happy me! Oh, I mean…anniversary! I love you. But not really. Cuz we’re not even friends. Not to mention lovers.
Not that I needed it, but this card shows that I wasn’t walking around in denial. I knew our marriage had problems, but I was under the impression that we were working on them. That we were taking steps to reignite our passion for life by making bold changes. That we were still partners, in love and committed to our relationship, flaws and all. That our family was rock solid. That challenges were to be expected as we raised our two small children and adjusted to being a family of four after 10 years as a couple, but that our love for each other would see us through. I believed the words he wrote.
I was duped into believing all that. Flat out conned. Looking at this card, reading the words, seeing the little drawing of a snow angel…it makes me feel dirty. It’s mystifying.
What does he write to The Happy Dance Chick?
You’re my real angel. The true angel. The one who makes me feel really truly blessed.?
What a bizarre world he created for himself. This is why Elin Nordegren, Tiger Wood’s former wife, decided to get her degree in psychology, I imagine. It’s hard not to want to understand what goes on in the mind of someone who can weave elaborate lies and craft prose that is as meaningful as belly button lint, but deliver it as if from the bottom of the heart.
I am really happy I found this card today. I cleaned out the whole house. My two hour block for cleaning was stretched to eight. I made that choice. And in the final 15 minutes I found this card.
I wasn’t in denial. I was being deceived. Masterfully.
This card clarifies for me why I feel no need to recreate a relationship with The Genius. I will never trust him again. So I’m going to work to create the best co-parenting arrangement I can and look forward to when the boys are 18, without wishing the time away.
This card also leaves me wondering if I will ever be able to trust again. I naively felt I had conquered that fear, but it’s not been tested. I’m curious if I will even get to the mock test. I’m feeling the need to protect myself right now. Cocoon. Focus.
I started off my day on a tear to purge the house of clutter and ended up eliminating any doubt that, regardless of the stress, pressures and chaos of divorce, I am blessed to be where I am, right here, right now.
So, I choose to embrace the crap, remain without anger or regret, release any desire to understand The Genius, and be grateful for the abundance of exciting opportunities that are within my grasp. It all needs love. And I choose to do what is in the best interests of my goals first and foremost. Those goals include creating a loving, magical childhood for the boys. And reaching the apex of my potential. My choices will reflect my boundaries and needs, and support the outcomes I aim to achieve. I will have to choose to do things I don’t want to do, but because it’s for the greater good I must. I will be conscious of the many choices I make in any given day, both big and small, for they all have their impact. Not all my choices are going to feel good at the time, but I will realize the benefits at the most perfect moment.
I have to come up with a cocktail named Choice.
But now I must sleep.
Stay with me on this ride. And please take the time to follow me on Twitter. Tantalizing morsels get the spotlight there in real time, with photographic evidence! Did you miss my shot of the Blue Angels? What a day I had with Mr. Delicious on the waterfront, watching the planes and experience my own angelic encounter. I consider what she did for me right up there with what I did for The Boy, better even. That’s for next time…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Again Cleo, you are completely on the right track.
Do not spend another minute thinking about why his words have no meaning. They just don’t, and the reason is because he has no idea who he is. This has nothing to do with you.
Four years with the HDC, behind your back? What was the point? Why couldn’t he make a decision? The answer to that question is because he was, and is, a coward. His words in that card betray his complete lack of personal integrity. He almost doesn’t exist!
So sad. So, move on Cleo. There are so many worthies who would love to fly with you, in this incredible life course. Just pick them carefully and make it beautiful. The Genius co-parenting will work itself out…don’t spend a lot of time trying to make it perfect. Just go with the flow.
The most important thing is to make yourself glow.
A.N.
A,
On a recent comment I replied that I felt her words were whispers in my ear. Yours, however, are like the words of Knute Rockne at halftime. Love it! Especially the glow part. I’m all about the glow. And given all the dust blowing up around me, it’s a good thing I glow or I might get run over.
If it wasn’t for the children I would keep this card up on the counter for at least the next few months. For inspiration.
Thanks, Coach.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I was scrolling down to the comment section to say pretty much exactly what Michael said. The Genius’ lies have nothing to do with you, they’re not for you or against you. They always were and will always be for him and only him, and its a shame that he continues to lie to himself, because nobody likes to be lied to.
Whatever… sucks for him.
N,
You mean Coach? Love that dude.
The discovery of that card has reminded me to not let him manipulate me anymore. I’m finished with that nonsense. I unknowingly put up with it for four years. That was enough hard labor. I’m off to greener pastures with honest skies and loyal beings. Occasionally I’ll be curious how someone can lie so elaborately and then shrug it off like it’s no big deal, but that curiosity will last for about 10 seconds before I remind myself that my time is better spent on the beautiful, the divine, the magic of life.
Thank you for taking the time to comment, N, and for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Okay, so I am certain you get sick of the “OH MY GOD, ME TOO!” comments, but me, freakin’ too! less than a week before the first infidelity I found out about he gave me (for my 40th birthday) a card calling me his angel, telling me that he was the luckiest man in the world and that he looked forward to growing old with me. Now his story (92 versions later) is that he had “just fallen out of love with me” and did what he had to do to find some happiness. Poor baby.
L,
Never do I get sick of them. Never. The similarities in all our experiences bring us together, we understand how it feels, we can assure each other that we’re not losing it. They’re also fascinating. I am really looking forward to when I have time to read some books by the experts on what this all means. It will be great beach reading one day. Thanks being here, L.
Love yourself,
Cleo
The most important thing is to let go of trying to understand their thinking. It is a HUGE waste of time. Once you let that go you find all the energy you need to stay in the present and live your life. You will trust again because you will trust yourself to attract the kind of men that won’t do shit like this. When I met my new man 8 years ago I looked at all the relationships he had with others. He has a really great co-parenting partnership with his Ex, a loving relationship with his three grown daughters, deep friendships with old friends, talks to his mom at least 3 times a week. I knew he was to be trusted in the first few weeks I knew him. You will know.
D,
You are a sage, m’lady. I can already feel the positive effects of finding that card yesterday. I am free. I am not nuts. I was duped. For the last time. Now I will make choices that are grounded, thoughtful and feel good, in all the right ways. I am on a mission…a lifelong mission. So grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo, Michael, Laura and everyone who’s still to comment… Yes, yes, yes. This post has and will hit home with such a punch to so many. For all the good I still see in my husband and for as much as I still (thought I wanted) want a reconciliation, he too so easily lied and duped me AND Laura, said ‘I’m just not in love with you anymore’. Damn, I wondered how I could have missed it, thinking our marriage was better than it was, otherwise surely I’d have known. We were in counselliing, making a giant move to LA, all the stuff that tells you you’re working through the tough times. But he too masterfully deceived me. Unlike you Cleo, I don’t have children, so I will be keeping this post up front and center to remind myself why I no longer want it back. This one is huge. So very, very huge. I believe I just walked away from my marriage.
P,
I felt the same way when I wrote it last night. It is huge. To see in print the lies, with little drawings no less, and blend that with the reality of that time – well, what alternative is there but to walk away? Doesn’t mean you can’t walk together again in the future (for me that is not a possibility), but boy, walking alone is what’s needed to process something like that. It’s unnerving. I’ll never be able to trust a word he says again. So, I move on. Between yesterday morning and today I have released so much that TG is just the parent to my children. Period. I don’t need to have a workable relationship with him, and most importantly, I’m going to stop pressuring myself to have one. It’s an impossible endeavor. And I don’t want it. All I do I do for the boys.
Stay close, m’lady. Thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Yep Cleo–I found “the card” too when we were going through my ex “finding himself” (before I knew about his HDC). And guess what I did? I left it out for him to see in his closet right on top of his shirts. I wanted him to be witness to the bullshit that he had fed me and to not be able to deny it. I don’t know if he read it or not but it was gone the next day so I have to assume he did.
I also got the “I don’t know if I ever really loved you” line. Uh huh–after 16 years together and 3 boys I’m sure you had barely any feelings for me ever in that time. Keep on lying to yourself and maybe one day you’ll actually believe it dude. I will say that about a month later, he did come to me and admit that he shouldn’t have said that and that he did love me. I have to at least give him kudos for that–not that I needed him to say it–I knew he did at some point love me. And yes, I often say I’d give about $5000 to get inside his head for just ten minutes!
I wanted to post the other day when you wrote about your kids and having to co-parent and how he makes you out to be crazy. Well, unfortunately for him, what will most likely happen (as has happened with my three boys over the course of the past 4 years) is that THEY will start to make their own decisions and THEY will start to make boundaries with him. But I’ll tell ya, it’s not easy. We’re at the point where they really don’t want to go over his house anymore (they are 10, 13 and 15) and it’s very sad in my opinion. He went from having them every other night and every other weekend (we homeschool so it worked out that way) to now only seeing them 2 weekends a month. I’m sure he still clings to the false belief that I am trying to ruin his relationship with him but the truth is that he did that just fine himself without ANY help from me!
I actually tried many, many times to help him out–to help him see how his and his HDC’s actions were affecting the boys but every time I got shut down and told I was wrong and just trying to come between them and that his boys would never not want to see him. Well, “never” just got a hell of a lot closer!
But this isn’t something I’m happy about and every time they reject him, I feel it deep within me and want to cry for him–even if he’s not crying himself. Because I know what it means. I know that regret is one of the worst things you can experience because you can’t go back and change it or get those years back that you chose the HDC over your own sons. And I KNOW one day he will be alone and wonder why his kids don’t want to be with him–and I don’t wish that on anyone!
So just keep being the amazing mom that you are because they’re going to need you when he lets them down and disappoints them repeatedly or when he chooses her over them (and he will–trust me). All you can do is be their rock and let them know you will ALWAYS be there for them no matter what.
N,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here. Finding this card was the final shredding of any connection I have with The Genius. Now I know (I needed physical evidence to remind me) that it was all a sham. So I move on. I can’t express how grateful I am to have found out when I did so that I am free to live my life without being duped by a partner.
Even with all the chaos that swirls, there is a simplicity to my world now that I treasure. I am partnering with nature this time around, on a mission to find my sweet spot. Thank you so much for being here on my journey.
It is my sincere hope that The Genius finds happiness. I want that for the boys. But regardless of his moves, I will be a rock for them forever.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I am so happy you’re purging — both your house and your body. “I will be conscious of the many choices I make in any given day, both big and small, for they all have their impact.” This reminded me to so much of the book I just read to my kids called “The Three Questions.” Have you read it? It’s about being present in the moment — whatever you are doing and whomever you are with is exactly where your mind should be. Such a simple idea, but so hard to maintain.
OH! And, I thought of you the other day. I was walking our dogs, and heard a jingling of a collar. I turned, expecting to see another dog, but saw nothing. Heard the jingling again, and turned again. This time, I saw a tiny gray and white KITTEN, peering out from behind a tree, and pouncing along, curiously following us as if he was considering joining our walk. I’m so grateful to be part of your journey.
C,
Me too, C. It’s going to kick start a phenomenal period of time in my life, where I finally build my first foundation on my own and construct each phase according to my boundaries and needs. I’m not screwing it up this time. No way. So, I MUST stay firmly rooted in the moment. It’s simply the only way.
Thank you so much for being here and for reminding me to ground and be present.
Love yourself,
Cleo
…PS: I’m so grateful to have you here! The way a kitten moves through life is a sight to behold. I trust that will be the case for all of us here at HGM.
LY
Cleo,
My Genius pulled this same s…tuff. After putting myself into bankruptcy to bail him out when he was caught embezzling from his employer, he proceeded to start a relationship on Facebook with a woman who is now living with him in our old house. For the 13 years that we were together he would tell me over and over that I was his “angel”, that he was so blessed to have met me, that I was the most important thing in his life and that he would search me out lifetime after lifetime *shudder*, blah blah blah. I decided that since we had a child together and since I actually took my wedding vows (“for better or for worse”) seriously, I tried to work things out after the embezzling crap. Once I found out about the FB chick, though, I was done. When I wasn’t satisfied by his apologies to his liking, he pulled the same “Our marriage was over years ago,” line of B.S. I believe in psychology this is referred to as projection: “a psychological defense mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, usually to other people. Thus, projection involves imagining or projecting the belief that others originate those feelings.” You are not in denial…you are just another (I hate to use the word “victim”) person betrayed by a liar and a cheat who has no sense of self-worth and no moral compass. We’re a pretty big club. My own experiences have left a mark, but I refuse to become a cynic and I continue to see the good in people…I just will never place my happiness in someone else’s hands again. I would like to find someone to share this journey with, but I do not expect them to “make me happy”. That’s my job.
You are so healthy and strong…be grateful that The Genius gave you an excuse to cut him loose…he was going to be a drag on you for the rest of your life, but now you are free to soar. By showing you who he really is, he has given you a gift. A little late, but better late than never!
Hugs,
A
M!
So good to see you, m’lady.
I laughed hard when I read these words: “he would search me out lifetime after lifetime *shudder*, blah blah blah…”
I can see the exchange now…
You know, you may want to not search for me lifetime after lifetime cuz I think I’m up after this one. I can see that you’ve got somereally cool stuff happening down the line so why don’t we just let this one be it…
Arrrggggghhhhhhhh! Run away!!!!!!!!!!
I poke fun, because at this stage I can, but it’s really awful. It’s just absolutely flat out freaking awful that someone to whom you commit your life can lie right to your face time and again and again. Over and over and over. With ZERO regard for your heart, your mind, your soul. It’s just mind blowing. And then to have to listen to them tell you why it’s your fault or why you should shake up your entire world to make their life easier…
They don’t get it. It’s not just the betrayed spouse that feels the pain. The liar feels pain too. As they should. Far be it from me to make it easier. That would be messing with their soul journey, and I’m just not that kind of girl.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, I want to say how odd it is that I just experienced the same thing 2 weeks ago. But, I am beginning to realize that many of us who are involved with serial cheaters- I consider 4 years the same as multiple affairs- face the same things.
My OLG wrote a beautiful card for Mother’s Day in 2011 saying I wasthe best mother and wife ever and he was lucky to have me and the best thing he had ever done was Marry me…. 5 months later he was striking up his second or third affair and telling me he had not loved me for YEARS… Never wanted our second child and so on… Same exact situation. I was duped. Like you I knew things were not perfect, but I did not imagine this. There is something here to all of us sharing similar to identically betrayal patterns…
I wanted to write to tell you a quote I read: it’s one thing to make lemonade out of lemons, it’s another to deny the lemons exist. In other words, to make lemonade you have to see the lemons!
This really struck a chord with me..all that I am going through, thinking about and analyzing , while slow as heck, is me seeing the lemon, and then I am going to make a rocking lemonade cocktail out of it! I’ll need to think of a name…
One thing I’ve been thinking about is how wrapped up I am or was in my OLG.. And his affairs and other issues. Rumination might be a word. Now that I see the lemon and know its a lemon, I am hoping to take steps to stop hurting myself by thinking about OLG and make my own way. I am not blaming myself for his sexual and alcohol
Addictions but I am starting to realize that I am almost co-addicted to his addiction. Monitoring it, trying to control him by altering my behavior in response to his… Reactive is the word. How did I get here?
I need to create a foundation like you mentioned in your last post and some boundaries . Frankly I am not sure I know what healthy boundaries are. I swing from having no boundaries to having too many …
Thanks for another post that got me thinking and moving forward.
Hugs,
Caitlin
C,
The similarities are fascinating. Or is it dull? Who here is bored by the lack of creativity in infidelity?
I had the same struggle with boundaries. I tried to find the post I wrote on boundaries, but in the interest of time I will summarize my experience. I started out creating boundaries about what other people could and could not do to me, around me, with me. Then it dawned on me that boundaries are really for me. Lines that I won’t cross. It’s not about telling another what they can and can not do, but about honoring myself with boundaries that serve me. Keep me on path. Others have free will and I have boundaries reagrding how I respond to their free will.
An example: When a negative thought arises, I will let it drift out of my head and replace it with gratitude for all the gifts I receive.
You’re taking care of you by doing that. Taking care of you is self-love. Gratitude leads to joy. Joy leads to attracting more joy, cool encounters, the ability to see the subtle signs.
I love your lemon analogy. Could it be more apropos? If the person who is so flat out miserable is telling you how happy he or she is, it’s pretty hard to work with that.
Let me state the obvious: communication is key. If I am having a hard time communicating with someone you can bet your last cocktail that I’m moving on.
I’m tasting lemon, St Germaine, and rosemary-infused vodka, a splash of club soda, served with a candied lemon peel, martini style.
Thank you, C. You rock. Straight up.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, did you decide what to do with the notes, letters, cards, etc. you received from The Genius over the years? I’m going through my stuff and trying to decide what to do with mine (30-year husband had two-year secret affair and is still flirting with young things while we’re separated). I’m torn between throwing them away and turning them into confetti and mailing them to him. Any ideas from you or other commenters here? Also, what to do with letters I gave him over the years, which are in a box of his belongings…?
N,
All but the one card that proves to me that I’m not insane has been tossed. I also threw out all my wedding pictures. (I am SO glad I didn’t make my mom pay for a photographer!)
I still have my dress. Think I’ll try it on to see how it looks. It was a beautiful dress my mom had made for me. A simple silk column style, boat neck collar edged in white fur (winter wedding – coldest day of the year and NO bra! Hello, nipples!) with an open V back, leading down to two crystal buttons. I’m either going to dye it midnight blue and spend lots of time with minks, begging for their forgiveness while reselling/donating/crying over the pelt of fur or donate it to a theater group to use for a costume. TBD. Suggestions welcome.
Since you asked…I wouldn’t send anything to him. I would probably throw them out, but I suggest you do what feels comfortable for you, with the caveat that you don’t send him anything. If he asks for them you can say, Ooops! or Here the are! Whatever you wish. Read them if you need to, but once is enough, no?
It was nice he saved them.
Thanks for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I have to comment…
Keep them as evidence of his intent to deceive. You might need them. It isn’t about the affair (in most states infidelity isn’t grounds for a divorce any longer), it is about the manipulation. These cards prove that he lies very easily. A good lawyer might be able to work that to your advantage.
You can tell I’m in the practical phase of this nightmare…
Good Luck!
C,
I really appreciate you taking the time to offer practical guidance. Finding that card was the single most important thing that has happened since I searched for the word LOVE in his Skype application. It sets me free. He can’t dump the responsibility on my anymore, and he’ll have to decide to deal with his dark s…tuff or bury it. It matters not to me how he chooses to proceed. At least I know I’m not nuts!
You know you rock…
Love yourself,
Cleo
The Genius is a genius, in reality, it seems. He was able to convince you of his love and trustworthiness in order to live his double life. He had his cake and ate it too, destroying one family in the process. Don’t let him continue to deceive you- whatever flaws you have/had, you didn’t make him cheat and lie. Big hugs to you, Cleo. I know you will be okay – you have the best attitude and self-awareness that could be expected of someone in your situation. XO
L,
YOU are so sweet. Thank you. It is a labor of self-love. One I’m honored to perform…mostly consistently.
Discovering the card was a sobering experience. Wow, even hecould pull this off. Could you imagine what someone could do to me if I didn’t know them well? I have two children. Makes me veryconscious about the choices I make when spending time with a man. Very conscious. Probably a tad too overbearingly conscious.
L,
YOU are so sweet. Thank you. It is a labor of self-love. One I’m honored to perform…mostly consistently.
Discovering the card was a sobering experience. Wow, even hecould pull this off. Could you imagine what someone could do to me if I didn’t know them well? I have two children. Makes me veryconscious about the choices I make when spending time with a man. Very conscious. Probably a tad too overbearingly conscious.
Grateful you’re here, L.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Not necessary to add the same comments again as all of the above resonates with me. After a 23 year marriage, 26 living together, the discovery of a 3 year affair, ‘ I have been unhappy for 10 years, she makes me happy, she understands, BUT I am am not ready to end this marriage, blah, blah….
My therapist suggests that his biggest fear was upsetting and hurting me so he chose to keep me in the dark- for years. That is why they can write/ say those words. They think they are being kind by leading a double life. God knows what the other woman thinks is happening. I am still in shock because I trusted him unconditionally and wonder how I could AND how could he treat me like a fool. I too want to understand but am coming to the realisation that this may never be possible.
M,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for sharing the guidance you received from your therapist. I suspect The Genius felt he was protecting me, too. From himself. I’m letting go of the need to understand and will instead focus on understanding me.
Which is going to be a very long process. I’m all in. I need to know how all the pieces fit together and what the puzzle will show when the last piece is set. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I really, really love this post. So much of it resonates with me, as do the comments. My 11 year marriage is ending after the discovery of my husband’s infidelity. I take comfort that I am not alone in my suffering but marvel that my genius is such a cliche!!! There seems to be nothing original about our story from start to finish. I have 3 young children and am starting to ponder (among many other things) whether there is some sort of marriage talk I’ll need to have with them so they don’t suffer (or repeat) this same pattern. I wish someone had given it to me. THANK YOU Cleo for your blog. You are a number of months ahead of me on your journey so I’ve been looking to you for inspiration. Hugs. M.
M,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I’m so grateful you are here. It is remarkable the lack of creativity in the world of infidelity. Although, I have to admit, the spinning of lies – the level of detail, going above and beyond the call of duty – was Emmy worthy on my end. I laughed at this: “There seems to be nothing original about our story from start to finish.” How am I going to make an original book, then?
I’ve wrestled with how to end the cycle of infidelity and believe that it starts now, with a focus (not an obsession) on honesty, loyalty and the importance of family. Mr. Delicious is teaching me a lot about this. He has witnessed firsthand the positive power of a committed family, even if not a perfect love story. I can’t be specific yet (I hope the story of his parents becomes my second book.), but I’ve learned through the tale of his parents that actions speak louder than words and sacrifices are made for the greater good. The Genius’ actions will serve as one guide and my actions will serve as another. The children will have the opportunity to choose how they wish to live their life.
Perhaps that’s the role I play for them; to provide a foil in a family where everyone had their hands crammed in the jar of infidelity. I’m happy to fulfill that most important role. I may never find love again, but I can be completely stoked that I am fully capable of providing the boys with an excellent example of how to live a joyous and HONEST life.
It all comes down to choices, no? I’m so grateful you chose to be here. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Ok, first ME TOO!!
I have the same cards with almost the same words. I went through all the stages with these little pieces of “evidence”. First, I read them as they were intended to be read: as the loving words of a devoted husband. After I I found out about the wack-a-doodle, I read them as: “how could he?” “What was he thinking?” “But he said these beautiful things to me” Now I see them for what they were and that is simply that they were part of the deliberate deception. He was doing very very wrong, with a complete lunatic, while I was pregnant and then continued this behavior on into my daughter’s first year of life. He wanted to be doing this on the side and he had no intention of leaving me for her. He continued to have affairs and I truly believe that he wanted this situation to continue. He wanted a wife and family at home and he wanted a girlfriend. Very French, right? Oh, but he didn’t want me to have anything on the side…nor would I have. The cards were written to keep me there for him. They were written selfishly to further manipulate me into thinking that I had a wonderful and devoted husband.
Finally, I now keep these cards of evidence of his deliberate acts of deception. The fact that he “knowingly and deliberately” deceived me about his intent, as he had me give up my career and move around the country for his career, is highly relevant when it comes to my spousal support.
I’m keeping the cards, in a storage area, just in case I ever need them in the future.
-Cassandra
C,
“He wanted a wife and family at home and he wanted a girlfriend.” So very true, so often. Then, after discovery, the party line becomes, Our marriage was over. If any of you kittens don’t have cards of other ‘keepsakes’ to help set the record straight, you can borrow ours.
As we’ve all learned time and again here, our stories don’t differ much.
I imagine many people will read your words, C, and nod their heads. Thank you for sharing them with us.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I also was married to a schemer that made lying look like a warm-up exercise before he even started his work day. Mine got away with it for a while which made him bolder.
But when I started to put together the pieces that didn’t add up- I discovered a very elaborate and carefully constructed spiderweb of lies that made up his ‘other life’ in which he ruled like greedy secret-obsessed King.
That’s why I became a paralegal and subpoaened EVERYTHING for years. He greatly underestimated me.
N,
Way to go! When I read that you became a paralegal it reminded me that it’s perspective that colors our view of divorce. You became a paralegal. Elin Woods is studying to become a psychologist. I became a writer. And we all, I imagine, became happier. More alive. Free to make good choices.
Thank you for taking the time to comment, N. Grateful to have you here.
Love yourself,
Cleo