First betrayal, then divorce, and now I am not a candidate to be a Disney Princess unless I’m photoshopped and they lop off my flipper feet. Even then, being a divorced woman (gasp!) likely excludes me. Although the betrayal thing could stick, because what Princess has not been betrayed?
Kate Middleton has had a pretty charmed life, no betrayal that I’m aware of. And she’s an actual Princess, complete with tiny waist, upturned nose and hyper-glossy hair. Has anyone checked for a Disney logo stamped on the underside of her tiny foot? Disney is such a powerful organization that I wouldn’t be surprised if somehow they took Snow White, and through the power of animation, brought her to life. Then, sold her to the Royal Family while still retaining the copyrights.
Who knows, she could be carrying the human version of Mickey Mouse. Or Walt Disney himself.
As you know, I’m not much of a girly girl. Never liked dolls – they creep me out. I always thought Barbie looked unwell, and fragile, and totally not like me. The kind of girl you don’t bring to places where there are large crowds because if someone bumped into her she might shatter.
I’ve never been a fan of fairy tales. I loved Nancy Drew and stories about pirates and wenches. Wenches that could keep pace with the boys. I swapped nail painting parties for deep sea fishing trips with my Dad without hesitation.
I am the anti-Princess.
So explain to me why I read every story about the Princess/Duchess Catherine? Really. Every one. I won’t buy a magazine because it has a story about her in it, but I’ll read one in Vanity Fair (I’m a subscriber and lover of VF) or any slightly reputable online media outlet.
Define slightly? Any site that I happen to stumble across when I search for Kate Middleton on Google because she hasn’t shown up in the Daily Mail UK in a few days, and I’m dying to know what she’s up to.
This makes no sense.
Unless you factor in subliminal training since, oh, birth.
A kitten suggested I check out The Blogess’ thoughts on the controversy surrounding the redesign of Merida, the heroine of Disney’s film Brave, for her inclusion in the ranks of Disney Princesses. I haven’t seen the film, but being a ginger I was stoked about the story of a redhead who thought more about her bow and arrow and less about her mascara wand. Those frizzed curls and googly eyes won me over.
The redesign made me cringe.
The decision to photoshop the life out of an animated character is the ultimate move in our quest to further perfect an already perfect being, as anointed by animation man and not genetics. A being designed to be perfect enough for film, but apparently not enough for the Prince – for one does not become a Disney Princess without a Prince. So, not only does nature make mistakes, now animators do as well. A nip here, a tuck there, doe up those eyes and puff out that bosom, and viola!
Princess. Supermodel Married to Financier. Trophy wife of Internet Icon. Or, woman who has never felt beautiful enough just as she is.
The Blogess, whom I love dearly, didn’t have her underfrillies in a tizz over Merida’s makeover because she felt that, as a mom to a girl, it was her responsibility to teach her daughter about self love and self esteem and not leave it to Hollywood. She’s right. But she has a formidable foe in that endeavor – subliminal programming. Some call it advertising or marketing, but that seems so benign. When you really consider the negative effects of how we are programmed to believe only a certain type of beauty is actually beautiful, it becomes programming the human psyche, not just trying to move products. It stops being about the clothes and the shoes and the makeup and attracting Prince Charming and it becomes the only measure of acceptable beauty, causing us to spend our money in a never-ending quest to achieve it.
You might as well hate yourself now if your hair doesn’t flow just so and your waist isn’t small enough to be encircled by the two hands of a man.
When we drop 1, 5, 10, 100,000 dollars on hair extensions, liposuction, the latest threads, the newest sea kelp, coconut oil BB cream placenta filled crystal jars of promise, we aren’t keeping ourselves healthy, we are telling ourselves that we haven’t yet become perfect.
And we never will be. (Unless I develop a photoshop program for actual human bodies. I will then be physically perfect and ludicrously wealthy. I promise it won’t create duck or cat faces. They look weird.)
No matter how well-adjusted your daughter (or son – they’re programmed, too), she will succumb to Disney. Or The Kardashains, or Cosmo, or Danielle Steele. Or Twilight, to include the red carpets showing whiffs of women wearing the equivalent of yearly salaries, having affairs and making it all seem okay because of a backwards worn baseball cap and Converse sneakers…when they aren’t wearing Valentino.
When I was growing up none of this madness existed. WOMEN were the sex symbols of the day. I didn’t have to compete with them. I was a girl. Not a sex symbol in the making. (Just typing that makes me die laughing. And then want to shake the bodies of all those that have sent us down this most unfortunate and destructive path.) Sure, we had Maureen McCormick (Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!) and Valerie Bertinelli, but we didn’t have an 8 YEAR OLD GIRL DRESSED UP LIKE SHE’S ABOUT TO HAVE MARITAL SEX WITH HER SUPER WEALTHY AND TOTALLY PERFECT BETROTHED WHO WILL HONOR HER UNTIL HER LAST BREATH!
That is so destructive on so many levels it negates, in the grand scheme, all the good Merida achieved on screen.
Do the Disney animators and the creative heads live in a (man) cave? Did they not for one second think to themselves, Out of all the chicks to princess-ize, Merida might be the least receptive candidate, leaving those who have finally found their very own heroine the most confused?
Merida would have shot them with an arrow before allowing them to line her eyelids, shrink her waist and expand her bosom in order to make her worthy of the title, and then the man.
Timing what it is, I found it hard to brush aside this story. Just before it came out I mentioned in a post my own issues with my body image and that I needed to understand them better. These issues permeated my marriage. Throughout my childhood I fluctuated between big-boned (I can never write that and not think of Cartman.) and chubby. I had a decent figure in high school and then the freshman 15 turned into a college gain worthy of a separate diploma. I had always worked out (except for college when classes and fishbowls of beer got in the way), but I’m Swedish. They make them substantial. Better to deal with winter. Mrs. Claus was not a waif for a reason. It costs less to heat the house with her in it.
It wasn’t until my career was well under way that I got serious about getting back in shape. Shortly thereafter I met The Genius. And shortly thereafter, due to a total lack of boundaries, I took his lifestyle as my own.
My biggest mistake.
I made many mistakes in my marriage, but the most significant one was to leave behind my passions that nurtured me and reinforced my love of self. Instead I got totally lost. And gained 20 pounds that went north, when at 39, I became pregnant.
It’s not a recipe I recommend.
Even though I was the only one that worked out regularly in our house, my body was held to a different (higher) standard. Not just by TG, by me, too. I have no idea if it would have made any difference had I maintained my single working girl physique throughout our marriage. I suppose if I had, I would still be in the same position I am in today. Love is supposed to be about more than just the body, right? Maybe we never had the right chemistry, or maybe appearance mattered more than substance. Or maybe I was in a bad mood because I failed at meeting the standards. Who wants to be married to a bad mood?
But I’m still so trained, and not only because of TG. I’m trained to believe that my appearance is the single most important part of my being. As a species we spend a remarkable amount of time on our appearance compared to most other beings whose preening is mainly for the purpose of getting clean.
For me, the time spent is in endless hikes and swims. I don’t starve myself, but I also don’t overindulge. I hike and swim off whatever I can, which isn’t always enough for me. As one kitten sweetly (overstated) said, I have a body a 30 year old would envy.
But I see the flaws. In fact, historically I’ve only seen the flaws.
Because I am so not Disney.
Consciously, I am totally cool with that. But unconsciously, I (cannot believe I am typing this) want to be the Princess. Because I’ve been well trained. Despite our best intentions, subliminal messages will always trump the spoken ones unless we are hyper-conscious. There is no denying it. A small fraction of the population exposed to the constant assault of all this jacked up, sliced up, dolled up beauty will recoil and retreat.
The rest of us will need to revolt.
Not to make white noise or to demand changes to the conglomerate that is the Hollywood/Beauty biz; making a difference in their world isn’t as important as making a difference in our own individual lives. We need to revolt to honor ourselves, to get healthy mentally and emotionally, and to put an end to perfection paralysis – the dis-ease of choosing to shelve goals and dreams, hopes and aspirations out of fear of failure.
One of the key contributors to my anxiety while traveling back east was a complete stoppage of working out. I swam for 20 minutes and stretched 3 times. It drove me mad. Partly because of the lack of endorphins I churn out during a swim or hike, and partly because I feared being perceived as out of shape. After not feeling desired for so long in my marriage, my drive to keep my body fit has taken second in line status in my hierarchy of needs, loving myself being the Queen. Thank goodness for that or I’d be one 500 calorie day away from an eating disorder.
If I lose ground in my physical condition it negatively impacts my mood, which negatively colors my emotions, and makes it hard to see magic.
I’ve tested this theory. It’s rock solid.
While we should spend our time taking excellent care of our bodies because it is one of the most beneficial ways, as humans, we maintain physical health and support our self esteem, it is also a clear indicator of our love for ourselves. If we are letting our bodies suffer, something else is ailing – our hearts. And even when we are conscious of that, the program is still running behind the scenes. Causing us to aspire to be the Princess and then, when we realize that ideal is not attainable, causing us to berate ourselves for failing to be worthy of the crown jewels.
The controversy around Merida will die down. And then another manifestation of our obsession with body image will surface, like a story about a Hollywood star losing control because she gained weight in rehab after her Adderall was taken away. (Oh, wait, that’s already happened.) I’ll continue to troll the web for stories about the Duchess to see how fast she loses the five pounds she gained while pregnant. We’ll all go see Disney movies with our children, our hearts beating hard as the Princess and the Prince embrace after fire and brimstone and other assorted disastrous circumstances fight to keep them apart.
Lately, I’ve focused in on eliminating struggles in my life. One has been to be friendly with The Genius instead of being a Warrior. (I had thought I would be friends with TG, but thanks to the wisdom of a kitten, I’m going with friendly. I am doing this for the dudes. They need it and deserve it. And I’m doing it for me because being a Warrior makes me anxious.) So far the results have been fantastic. I feel really good about our future interactions. So now I’m moving on to Struggle Part Deux – deprogramming myself from years of judging my appearance as never good enough.
I am not intimidated by this task. It’s part logical and part spiritual. I am a perfect soul in a human body. I want to be here.
I didn’t just end up here and, Oh, the travesty of it all! I wanted to be here.
And I’m only here for a really short time. So while Kate is fascinating and I can stare at Gisele’s legs for hours coveting them, that gains me nothing but lost precious time. Worse, it screws with my mood, which kills the magic.
The real magic. Not the one that happens only at midnight with the touch of a wand. Tomorrow I will attend the first wedding since my own marriage went all pumpkin. I fell for the ice blue dress with a poofy skirt and a tiny satin bow around the waist. Mr. Viking will be my date.
I guess deprogramming will have to wait until Sunday.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I am coaching baseball with my two boys this year (second family) and feeling so much better than I did this past winter. As a Boomer, my body is breaking down, no matter how much good food I put into it, or where my mind takes me.
Attraction for ourselves and others has nothing to do with Hollywood. That is a pretty sick place…sorry, I did my time there as a very young man, trying to find a way into the entertainment business. Once I realized that art had so little to do with it, I left.
When we get older, those who interest us in sexual ways are talking to our brains. We see a cheerleader in someone who pumps us up, and not because he is the star quarterback, or she is the best actor in the drama department. It’s just the brain connection.
The body follows. Let it go, Cleo. It’s good to workout, eat healthy foods, and get good sleep. But more important is to have great dreams, connect with smart and loving people, and have plenty of no-drama orgasms. Oh, and good coffee. And BBQ.
M,
Such wisdom! You forgot dark chocolate, but I know you meant to include it. I’m on a dark chocolate/ancho chile kick these days. And, always relish the opportunity to connect intellectually with others. What’s attractive to me now is so very different from when I was in my 20s and 30s. Wit and heart – they outshine the shiny every time.
Thank you for continuing to share with us. YOu always help to relax me – calm down my inner Type A. You rock, M.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
This may or may not help; it may spoil your illusion and crush your hope of fairy tales, but… I live in london and have a number of friends who are acquaintances with both William and Kate, and before they were married (and I certainly hope not afterwards) it was pretty well known that he cheated on her. A lot. And there’s no way she didn’t know. So, she didn’t say anything and chose the prince over her own self respect, because she too was brought up to want the fairy tale over anything else. I think they do love each other, but just because she got the prince doesn’t mean her life is perfect. No one’s is.
E,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for the scoop! I hope they had an agreement to see other people. I’d like to live with that illusion. It would be hard for me to see William in such a light. Harry? Yes. My bet is that he will be the one to surprise and be most successful, and loyal to his future bride. Harry is going to steal the spotlight from his brother, much like his Mom when her light left Charles in the dark.
Have a Boddington’s for me if you are so inclined! It’s been far too long since I’ve been in London. Stay close, E.
Love yourself,
Cleo
First thing first :
http://media.lolwall.co/c/2013/01/barbie-without-make-up_257547-500x.jpeg
our duty in this life is to be happy – if the things we did first didn,t work we have to try doing them differently. I ABSOLUTELY love Deepak Chopra latest book Super Brain. Powerful and easy to read !!!
https://www.deepakchopra.com/book/view/936view/936
Enjoy the wedding, enjoy life…yours…not Cindrella,s not Snow W….you Cleo, allow yourself to be vulnerable fluffy tutus, bows, Vikings and all…Love the little Princess craving for love and acceptance. Hugs from (the finally) sunny Montreal
S,
I wonder if I am in the minority thinking Barbie looks better without makeup! One of the nice things about Mr. Viking is that he doesn’t like makeup – calls it frosting. It has its time and place, but he prefers to see the natural beauty we all have shine through.
CoverGirl can’t match the glow from inside that results from a healthy diet, lots of water and sleep and a good sweat. (Get it how you may.
) I took your sage advice and allowed myself to be vulnerable, present and playful as of late. It’s a much more relaxing way to be. Nothing in my life has changed to make it easier to be that way – I simply chose to be.
Thanks for the links and the love. You rock, S.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, I don,t know if you are able to view Brene,s Brown TedTalk on vulnerability…it,s a life changing talk…I just ordered 2 of her books…to be continued
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
I know that we all want to be seen- feel like Merida (I don,t really know her…I only know Pocahontas) but truth is…we have our Ariel days…so let,s embrace those as well
S,
Know it well, thanks to you! Happy to repost.
Watched a documentary with the dudes last night on Lewis and Clark. The woman, Sacagawea, who joined them, gave birth and bravely cared for her child throughout the expedition is my new inspiration. Along with all of you.
Hope you are relishing the thaw!
Love yourself,
Cleo
I felt compelled this morning to comment about this post. It is 100% refreshing to read words from someone else’s fingertips and brain that express 100% what I think and feel at my core. Perhaps it is because you and I share so many lifetime similarities but perhaps it is because some people just have a similar perspective and awareness of the world around us along with the wide abyss of different ones.
I live close to you. I have a 5-year old daughter. I have a husband who is guilty of betrayal in a thousand ways but I am still trying to figure out how to keep our little unit together despite having my heart trampled on more than once in the past 11 years we have been together. I do not fit the princess picture in any way, shape or form. I am very short and very round. Taken at face value I think there are very few men who would choose me in the line-up… And I find myself so trained to believe that I can’t imagine it ever being different when I walk down the street. The wounds are deep from never being the one the boys wanted starting in the 1st grade when I found my boyfriend Patrick looking at Rachel’s butt in the cubby room. She had long blond hair and blue eyes. All the kids laughed at me when I saw what was going on. I was 6. I remember it like it was yesterday. The kicker for me is that my husband seems to think most of the time I am the hottest woman alive so I find it very hard to give that up despite the disappointment of him not turning out to be the partner and father I was hoping for and led to believe he would be. Big lessons.
Brave was the first “princess” movie my daughter was allowed to watch. She still hasn’t met the others aside from Ariel. She has not seen a television on in our house other than the limited list of movies and Mr. Roger’s episodes in the queue. I intend to never take her to Disneyland since I have never gone and never will. Just like I have never been in a Walmart… I know I can’t protect her forever. She is already being programmed by her peers, the supermarket checkout magazine selections and all the other stuff, too vast to list..
Anyway, your strength, courage, humor, perspective, and deep truth, have opened my heart, awakened my strength and given me more compassion for myself and reminded me to have faith in humanity even though TG is in the major idiot camp along with a big bunch of others in our time… This post, even though I have read every one, inspired me to say THANK YOU CLEO!!! Thank you Cleo. Thank you for every word you have written.
Loving myself,
KK
K,
You sweet, wonderful spirit. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for your kind words. I am so grateful to know that you are here.
I applaud your efforts to keep your family intact. It would be great to be able to know how falling back in love with yourself improves your marriage. Perhaps your love of self will be a catalyst for greater self-awareness on the part of your husband. I hope you will continue to share your experience with us. I know that you will inspire us.
Not having cable TV in our home has been so fantastic. The dudes never ask to watch TV anymore. They’d rather cuddle and read when they want couch time. Another huge benefit is a decrease in the amount of product marketing they are exposed to without regular viewing of television. They still want ‘stuff’, but they talk more about having experiences than buying stuff. I don’t know how I’ll get through football season, but I’d rather miss the games than deal with Nickelodeon.
You’ve made my night so sweet. Thank you. Stay close, K.
Love yourself,
Cleo
What happened – TG’s betrayal of your trust, has nothing to do with your body! It has nothing to do with you losing your “single working girl physique”. The betrayal is all about HIM. His selfishness and disregard for his families well being. Putting his own needs and desires before you & the dudes!Please don’t blame yourself or your body again!
S,
Thank you for commenting, S. While his choices are not directly related to my issues with my body(getting better every day!), my relationship with myself is directly related to the health of my other relationships. If we don’t love ourselves it makes it awfully challenging for us to accept love from another. Something for me to ponder as I remain grateful for only needing to nurture a relationship with myself. And loving those little dudes, of course.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Me again – I was thinking about your fascination with princess Kate and I realized that I also like her a lot and it,s not because of her body or her perfect image – it,s because she,s emanating some je ne sais quoi and I think It,s GRACE – yes, grace. And lately this is what I,m aming for : being graceful in any situation – relationship with my Ex included – Yes, it takes work but it also gives you that lightness in your step, sincere smiles and not feeling like a victim all the time.
And on a nonrelated note (actually, I think it,s related ) a link about kids and divorcehttp://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/how-divorced-parents-can-have-a-happy-thanksgiving-and-existence/article556298/
May Grace be with you
S,
Thank you for the link and for the reminder that being graceful leads to being calm and calming others. I haven’t thought lately about how my energy impacts my encounters. Being graceful in any situation immediately diffuses any angst for all involved.
You bring up a point that we haven’t talked about much here at HGM – being the victim. Something for me to ponder. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here, S.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo….great reading for me, mom to two daughters!! You are spot on about Princess Kate!! How can she possibly be so tiny and pregnant?!! The Ulgies Trilogy by Scott Westerfeld were incredibly popular in our house a few years back, an interesting take for tween girls. I find it amazing that the amount of media directed toward young girls and the projected “ideal image” is far less than that aimed at boys. My oldest instantly related to Katniss Everdeen as she had never before to any Disney princess. After summer camp her friends nicknamed my daughter Katniss… never once have I heard Belle, Aurora, Jasmine, etc. uttered in relation to my girls! So happy!!
As I grow older and wiser I have a much more secure sense of my body, my aging face (smile lines!!!) and am able to accept that I might not be the same size I was at age 22, but I know I feel strong and secure in my 48 year old body. You have an amazing beauty of the soul, but are also blessed with Scandinavian cheekbones, a flowing ginger mane, an impish smile and eyes that twinkle!!! Your sheer enthusiasm for each moment spreads like wildfire! Your heart is pure and you truly embrace each day. Sounds sooo corny, but you are gorgeous inside and out!! A firefly dancing in the night sky! “And because I’m beautiful I’m pickin’ flowers for myself and no one else!!!” Because you’re worth it, C!!!!
P,
And I can hair dance with the best of them! Never played a contact sport, but I’m certain I’ve had a few concussions from all that head swinging.
I love knowing that young ladies are sidestepping the Disney nonsense and staying grounded in a society that is so caught up in appearance instead of tending to substance. I really try not to be judgmental anymore. It was a bad, bad habit – one of my traits that I wish I had shed a lot earlier! But here I will feel free to judge away. Raising Princesses is a mistake. Beautiful girls who care about and love their bodies and embrace their femininity – awesome. Glitter sticks on a mission to marry – totally missing the point of life. Beings who spend more time getting to know themselves, their souls, their needs and discovering their intended mission here – fantastic. People who never have enough time as they unconsciously move through life – I need to talk to those people.
Thank you for your kind words and for a trip down memory lane with a quote from one of my all time favorite songs. Rock on, fair maiden. So stoked you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Girls, another amazing one ( Princess Cleo, please don,t ban me
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html
S,
Never, m’lady. Never. I’m relying on you to find me gluten free crepes when I come to Montreal!
Love yourself,
Cleo