New Year’s Eve was fast approaching. So what does a family in crisis do? They decide to go camping. Demi and Ashton did it. I know, look where they are now. I was too wrapped up in trying to be the good wife to take note that not even s’mores and Kabbalah could save them. But maybe a little bonding under the stars in Northern California could bring us back from the brink.
We never got to the bonding part because we were too busy trying to survive. Genius had to bring everything but our fridge and king size bed on a 3 mile, bike-in only journey to our campsite. With a cart attached to his bike, loaded to the breaking point with our camping gear – but no food on this first leg – we all set off through the beautiful coastal terrain of Pt. Reyes.
I’m convinced that my soul was born on Pt. Reyes. There could be no better place to ground myself and try to make sense of what had happened to my marriage, I thought. Clearly my thoughts were as jumbled as my emotions because the trip was a disaster from the get-go.
One half mile in we encountered the swamp. The fire road we were biking on had been submerged in 2 feet of muddy water. The boys and I practiced our balancing as we walked on small logs placed along the side of the fire road, slipping into mud up to our shins every few feet. Genius attempted to cross but it didn’t seem possible.
So what do we do? Exactly what you’re not supposed to do – we parted ways. The boys and I continued on and Genius back-tracked to find an alternate route.
By the time the boys and I hit our campsite the sun was on the fast decent to Australia and I was crafting titles to the movie we were about to gift to Hollywood. (I can hear the pitch now: It’s a cross between Open Water, The Deliverance and Lost.) We sat on a picnic table with a can of baked beans and no opener, one first aid kit (my oldest son is obsessed with them, don’t give us credit for being prepared) that contained one of those foil-like blankets, and a bag of stale bread for fondue. I had given my fleece to the oldest and wrapped the blanket around me and the little guy. We watched the sun go down.
I kept thinking, It’s not supposed to be this hard. Why is it so hard? Why does everything feel so upended? Why am I swimming upstream? Why am I trying to right something that was wronged by someone else? He loves her. Why am I not simply walking away? And why don’t I have flares?
I knew we couldn’t stay the night without shelter and food. It was a beautiful day, but that was about to change as the winds began their continuous overnight battle with the beach. As I was bundling up the boys to begin the unthinkable bike ride back to the car, I saw a small light off in the distance. It was Genius. To the rescue.
He was wiped out. Covered in mud. The cart had dumped four times. His flashlight died. All he had was a headlamp and the determination to finish the journey. But we still had no food. We quickly set up the tent and he began the three mile journey back through the swamp to get to the car and reload. It would be another two hours before I would see him again. So much for glamping. I would have been fine with some wine and a few Cliff bars but he had to have it all. No surprise there.
2 hours before the gauntlet ball dropped we finally had a fire, food and shelter. But the winds couldn’t blow the tension away from our site. I opened a bottle of wine. If I had a funnel I would have put the entire contents in my belly in under 15 seconds. A frat house record, for sure.
With the boys in bed we flopped into chairs to stare at the stars. I’ve never felt so far away from someone who was 2 feet from me. I was weakened by the journey, literally and figuratively. The tug-of-war that was going on inside me was nearing an end. I couldn’t be the good wife any longer, I thought.
“If you love her why don’t you just go be with her?”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Sure it is.” We get divorced. They get divorced. And you and the Happy Dance chick ride off into the sunset in your rental car loaded with all the lies and deceit you’ve carried around this past year. Done.
“I can’t talk to you about it. You don’t understand.”
Of course I don’t, Genius. How could I understand it? I can’t imagine how you could have lied to your family for the last year, taking time away from your children to extend your already excruciatingly long trips so you could live in your fantasy world.
I downed an oyster and a glass of wine and turned to him. “Did you ever think maybe it’s not real love? How many times did you see her in a year? Five? Seven? Affairs are made of fantasy. You can sustain it as an affair for awhile, but it’s not real. It’s not the real world”
I caught the time. Three minutes to midnight. Not exactly how I was expecting to spend my New Year’s Eve.
“I have something to tell you.”
A deep sigh escaped my lips, I shook my head. What now. She’s on her way here? You want us all to sit around the campfire and sing Kumbaya as we ring in the New Year together? One big open-marriage family? Did she bring her husband and kids too? How freaking fun is this! Sweet!
“It’s been going on for four years.”
I heard a door slam. It was the one that used to be wide open to my heart.
Sweet Jesus! I have been GLUED to my computer screen reading this from the begining and just spit out my drink when I read the 4 years comment. I have to ask how the hell have you remained so composed. I am in awe with how much restraint you have. You are one hellastrong individual Ms Cleo
Dee,
I spit out the salt water I was gargling with when I read your reply. I have never heard your voice, but I put a voice to that comment. Hilarious. Comments should be audio files. I need to write a post about composure. It’s not restraint. It’s not denial. I am definitely strong. I REALLY, REALLY believe that if you live a good, loving, solid life with gratitude and are truly paying attention you find gifts in the most unusual of places. I choose to not get wrapped up in the drama of the affair and the divorce, but rather to unwrap the gifts.
You are one of them!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo
I choose to not get wrapped up in the drama of the affair and the divorce, but rather to unwrap the gifts. LOVE THIS ….and stealing it! ❤❤❤❤❤
Popsugar —> Lainey—> HGM is the road that led me here. Spent last night devouring every entry and tonight every comment. I too have ( in the past and present) experienced this journey with whom I refer to as The Unit as in parental unit. Our story has a twist as his Happy Dance Chick had his child. She knew he was married with a family. I agreed to work on and stay in my marriage as long as there was no contact on his part with HDC and child. Every couple of years she tried to involve him. He always refused.We had so many unresolved issues and interference we eventually divorced legally but stayed together to try and work things out.We got saved, got counseling got remarried. Before remarrying this was still a non- negotiable for me. We were agreed. Long long long story short I am now experiencing this yet again when she contacted him 4 months ago. Now he has begun a relationship with the child and I believe with the HDC as well. He has visited every month since November( they live in another state) he believes what he is doing is the right thing. I , disagree. All the narcissistic symtoms are there. I heard it all. The void I cannot fill, I believe only God can do that,my lack of everything relational. I know i am NOT responsible for his choices.I thank God because he has empowered me to stay strong, at peace and composed in what seems to be another divorce. Not getting wrapped up in the drama but unwrapping the gifts….BRilliant! For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV84). Thank you for sharing your heart and BEAUTIFULLY written journey!
Blessings
Melissa
Melissa,
Thank YOU for sharing your story and beautiful words to live by. You know inside what you need to do for yourself. Embrace that and with a heart full of love and respect, move forward. Unencumbered. With joy and a zest for living your life as you need to. As with my relationship, there are many opportunities for self-reflection and growth for you. We’ll get through it together. And one day we’ll have a big, fat party on a mountain top where we can celebrate our strength and our capacity to love freely. Without walls but with boundaries. We’ll change the way we judge change. We’ll move and flow with it, embrace it, not fear it, and do what serves our soul.
Thank you, love you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
You know, that big fat party idea is a good one. The Sweet Potato Queens get together annually. This group could do something similar. For those inclined (me!) there could be a hike to your favorite spot, we’d mingle and share our stories and laugh and grow together. A reunion of sorts for those of us who have gone through this and are coming out the other side realizing it’s all about building a relationship with the most important person in our lives – ourselves.
D,
My dream come true – a massive hike at Limantour, followed by a fire on the beach. I would LOVE that.
Can you imagine the love?
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Although the beginning of this post was one of the most amusing regarding The Genius’ skills (he would have been laughed out of any man-circle I belong to), the admission at the end was yet another sucker-punch. Reading through everything up until now, I can sense that there was some hope, even though I’ve been yelling at the screen for you to flee. Now I see it’s all gone. Wow.
Pt Reyes in Jan? Talk about masochistic!
Can’t wait to continue & thanks again.
T,
Run! Run for the hills!
The day was beautiful. Sunny, warm. The sea was glass. Then came the flooded path, the winds, the burnt oysters. And it simply went downhill from there.
But I survived.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I, too, have been glued to my computer reading your blog. I WISH this was a book, a fiction novel, so that you hadn’t gone through all this pain. But I’m sure good things are coming from it, like this blog.
What a jerk your husband (ex husband?) is… And what a W.H.O.R.E hdc is…
I love your writing though. Take care!
M,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your kind words. He is a soon – oh let it be very freaking soon – to be ex-husband. Although my Mom prefers “former husband”. I prefer jackass, when I’m not feeling especially well-mannered. But he is the father of my boys, so I will be respectful. Yay, me!
Love yourself,
Cleo
O. M. G. I can only imagine how that must have felt… I know how I felt finding out (For certiain… Could be longer…) that mine has been cheating for four MONTHS, let alone four YEARS!!
A,
It blew up my whole world. I don’t even bother thinking back on those four years anymore because it was all a lie. Laying on the couch with me while I fed our second son, telling me how beautiful we were and how much he loved us…a lie. A Christmas card that says, “I love you so much. Thank you for sharing this life with me.” All B.S. It was all B.S. How do you reconcile that? How do you not let it destroy your ability to trust another again? I can’t go back and look at those four years because it will for sure destroy any chance I have at being able to trust again. Maybe when I’m 90. But for now I will stay firmly planted in the present.
Thank you for taking the time to read HGM and to comment. Stay close.
Love yourself,
Cleo
This is EXACTLY how I view my relationship that ‘was’. I spent too many painful moments backtracking and synching lies and betrayals with the goings-on in our life. It boggles the mind that someone would choose to live this way. I, at least, can look back and know that everything I was doing and feeling was legitimate and true.
This has been the one thing that has gotten me through. My ex cannot be honest with himself – in who he is, who he wants to be and what he wants. How could I ever expect him to be honest with me?
M,
Another gem: “How could I ever expect him to be honest with me?” Sadly, it’s foolish for me to feel that I can believe The Genius at all, ever. That’s what happens when one lies. I tell the dudes that with teaching moments. How can I know to believe you if you’ve lied to me?
Last night, during a brief respite in the rain, I went outside to look at the fog. I pondered how I can raise two boys to be morally grounded men who will treat their partners with respect. It all came down to honesty. Every trait or value I want them to uphold begins with honesty. So, I simplified my job as their Mom. I’m here to teach them the importance of being honest with themselves and others. If they learn that and appreciate the value of honesty, everything else will take care of itself.
Thank you for being here, M.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I think I audibly gasped. Four years? He tells you this in the middle of nowhere? When you can’t leave? How stupid is this Genius? I’d have stomped the shit out of him. Knock out, drag out time. (Wine gives me power!)
P,
Epic. Simply epic. And to wait to tell me because he just couldn’t bring himself to hurt me more. Uh-huh. What he couldn’t take was hearing himself utter those words knowing what it said about him. Not a man.
Love yourself,
Cleo
That’s exactly what it was – he couldn’t face what it said about him as a man, as a human being. I recently told my spouse I now realize the person he let down and humiliated was himself.
D,
I try to remind myself that even if those who cheat aren’t conscious of this, shame fuels their actions. But instead of being humbled, they are more often backs to the wall and spitting fire. We have choices as to how we respond. I’m working diligently at remaining centered as I deal with the anger. And I look forward to when it no longer affects me.
Thank you for being here, D.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Ugh. They feed the lies one at a time, going back and expanding the degree once you have become accustomed to the first.
You never notice until the water starts to boil…
E,
So true…
LY,
Cleo
Whoa. I’m not real mathy, but it sounds to me like while you were recovering from giving birth to HIS second son, he was f***ing this adulteress. I am blown away. Honest-to-Dog BLOWN AWAY. I can’t wait to read on; it’s too bad it’s bad karma to wish you’d been widowed….
D,
I wish you could see me right now. I have my ‘hilarious, love it, such a fun way to say that’ face on. I am stealing this: “I’m not real mathy.” I haven’t even read the rest of your comment. I can’t. I have to go laugh about this for a bit. Okay. I’m back. So fun. Totally stealing it, because I am SO not mathy.
Yes, twas about that time that he finally succumbed to the fetching Happy Dance Chick. Or was it that the void I had created in him was finally large enough to fit her in it? And if it’s a void that she filled is she now lost? Somebody stop me…
D, you better stick around.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh I love that “I didn’t tell you sooner, because I didn’t want to hurt you more” I was told the same thing….there must be a cheater’s script out there somewhere….cheaters are all douchebags…no offense meant to actual douche bags
S,
Hilarious!
I suppose it’s what The Genius felt he was doing – protecting me. But it was simply protection for himself. It takes bravery to push back at infidelity and deal with one’s life. It takes being brave to come clean when one has betrayed another.
So, perhaps it’s fear that drives a cheater. Or cowardice. Or the love of drama. All I know is that being truthful and upfront is what supports me. I can live no other way.
Love yourself,
Cleo
THANK YOU! I just found out four weeks ago that mine’s been cheating for four years, as well. Day One for me was a blur, except the parts when I was saying (yelling) everything I ever wanted to say to him (and a lot I didn’t realize I wanted to say). And boy, did it feel goooooood! I know that I don’t know all the details, and even how many people there were and was it just four years? I sometimes want the deets, but I think I’m better off not knowing. A–hole’s affair is not with someone he’s fallen in love with, it was with an STD-ridden slut. Who is 10-15 years younger than him. Incredibly icky, skin crawling icky. I feel as though I never knew him. And frankly, I don’t want to. Am interested to keep reading to see what happens!!
S,
You are so welcome, m’lady. I’m grateful you found HGM.
All those things we all wanted to say…I’ve come to realize that hindsight is a product of the mind. I made choices which led me to be with someone who did what he did. I can’t undo it. Wishing after the fact is pointless. And besides the point. The point is I made the choices I made because I chose to make them. All those times when he disrespected me…I allowed it because I made the choice to allow it. I can’t fault him for that.
I allowed it because I didn’t love myself enough to say, Stop. I’m leaving. (I was tempted to type, And I should have left a long time ago. But there’s nothing substantive gained by that, except to learn for the future.) S, I’m glad you know you’re not alone, and I hope that some of the amazing wisdom shared here on HGM is helpful to you. Stay close… Icky is such a great word. It’s a perfect example of onomatopoeia.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Everybody has different needs on the level of detail they need regarding affairs. You’ll find what’s right for you.
Holy hell! I’ve only just found your blog (can’t even remember how I found it) and have got to this post from reading from the beginning. Like a good book, I can’t put it down. This ‘Genius’ is a piece of work alright. I thought my ‘Genius’ was a piece of work but yours wins hands down. Can’t wait to read more. You’ve got a kindred spirit here in Australia.
A,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here. So grateful you found HGM. Your endurance is amazing! You’ve got some company down under – lots of kittens in Australia and New Zealand. Some day soon I will have to sacrifice a few of my days in Bolinas to come say Hallo! Stay close, A…
Love yourself,
Cleo