Luca will be seventeen next week. One year shy of being a legal adult. And yet, in two weeks, I will be in court at a custody hearing to determine where he lives for the next year. Sometimes I catch myself wondering why I’m doing this. Why am I investing time, money, and psychic energy just to hear myself trashed in court? And then I remember: oh — right! Because I’m divorced from a narcissist.
When I find Luca’s bath towels mildewing on the floor, or I feel a searing pain on the sole of my foot care of a beebee pellet lurking on the oriental rug, or I find myself spewing the same broken-record reprimand — “you didn’t put your dishes in the dishwasher!!!” — I am sorely tempted to hog-tie him, stuff him in the car, and deposit his wretched adolescent ass on his father’s doorstep.
But not really. It’s just a nice fantasy. Because, in reality, I am subjecting myself, and him, to a second custody battle to keep his dad from sending him to wilderness camp and performing a metaphorical lobotomy on him. If I didn’t fight for Luca’s rights, and mine — to legally participate in his child-rearing — I would add yet another regret, a BIG regret, to a list of regrets that is far too long.
* * *
Franny is at sleepaway camp for two weeks. Luca and I are home slogging away at our jobs, mine at a treatment facility, and his at an iPhone kiosk at an outdoor mall. He jettisoned his menial-labor job at a grocery store, which infuriated me, because I think mopping floors and bagging groceries teaches kids about the value of hard work. But, he at least did things the right way. He didn’t quit until he found a new job — selling iPhone cases — which, frankly, makes far better use of his smooth-talking entrepeneurial skills.
One good thing about Prince cutting me and Luca off from money: it’s forced Luca to learn independence fast. I provide food and housing, and he has to pay for everything else: haircuts, clothes, high-tech gizmos, and some not totally legal firecrackers which he bought in Chinatown yesterday.
While he was procuring July 4th accoutrements on the down-low, I strolled through gift shops eyeing lotus-shaped floating candles, glittery orange paper butterflies, and other pretty, unnecessary things I couldn’t afford. I did, however, get Luca this birthday card:
And while I was reading the assortment of inspirational-quote cards on the carousel, I came upon one that helped me re-frame my abject terror into hope. Or deep denial. Maybe both.
So I bought it and when I got home I set it on my vanity. So now, when I descend into a quicksand of panic, which I do maybe ninety times a day, I reflect on these words and the possibility that if Luca and I keep getting up every time Prince knocks us down, eventually we can fly away.
I love that saying. Stay strong Pauline. You’re almost there. I’ve got 12 year left at least.
Lisa can u tell me more it sounds like what I am going through.
We are living nearly the same life. I look forward to new articles from you because it reminds me that I’m not the only one out there living in purgatory. Stay strong.
Lisa – This is our last resort to help a friend…….. She is currently in
Orlando, FL getting ready to hand over BOTH of her children to her WEALTHY
family money no good ex-husband. They have been fighting over this for 7
YEARS !!!!!
HOW do you fight against a man that has all the money to fight and she is barely making ends meet so hiring an attorney is definitely out of the question?
Lisa – This is our last resort to help a friend…….. She is currently in
Orlando, FL getting ready to hand over BOTH of her children to her WEALTHY
family money no good ex-husband. They have been fighting over this for 7
YEARS !!!!!
HOW do you fight against a man that has all the money to fight and she is barely making ends meet so hiring an attorney is definitely out of the question?
Lisa – This is our last resort to help a friend…….. She is currently in
Orlando, FL getting ready to hand over BOTH of her children to her WEALTHY
family money no good ex-husband. They have been fighting over this for 7
YEARS !!!!!
HOW do you fight against a man that has all the money to fight and she is barely making ends meet so hiring an attorney is definitely out of the question?
Lisa – This is our last resort to help a friend…….. She is currently in
Orlando, FL getting ready to hand over BOTH of her children to her WEALTHY
family money no good ex-husband. They have been fighting over this for 7
YEARS !!!!!
HOW do you fight against a man that has all the money to fight and she is barely making ends meet so hiring an attorney is definitely out of the question?
Lisa – This is our last resort to help a friend…….. She is currently in
Orlando, FL getting ready to hand over BOTH of her children to her WEALTHY
family money no good ex-husband. They have been fighting over this for 7
YEARS !!!!!
HOW do you fight against a man that has all the money to fight and she is barely making ends meet so hiring an attorney is definitely out of the question?
Lisa – This is our last resort to help a friend…….. She is currently in
Orlando, FL getting ready to hand over BOTH of her children to her WEALTHY
family money no good ex-husband. They have been fighting over this for 7
YEARS !!!!!
HOW do you fight against a man that has all the money to fight and she is barely making ends meet so hiring an attorney is definitely out of the question?
I fought the fight. I lost. She is now 34 and I haven’t seen her since she was 16.
It was expensive, stressful, and painful–but I don’t regret putting up the best fight possible.
Good luck! I will be thinking of you and your son, hoping for the outcome that you both deserve.
Keep going…you are almost there. I have no words of wisdom regarding family court, only that I feel for you and hold out hope for you and your son.
Hi all,
I know I am not a mom, but a father of three, and divorced from a narcissist. I have survived my princess first attack for full custody which she did not really want. Funny what she has put our kids through. But the first attempt was not enough two months later she filed for full custody again citing i wasnt following the parenting plan. I am ready this time, and not giving into mediation. I want to explain to a judge why i am willing to concede to giving the princess full custody. I find this the only logical way to keep my sanity. what I find to be insane is that my once princess is willing to repeat filing for full custody over and over. Running low on funds I asked my lawyer to withdraw from being my counsel. Conceding to the princess will save me money in the long run from her being able to come after me a third time. I will save money by paying her for full custody in child support which in reality I was paying more in support, and food for the kids. The princess has deep pockets. I love my kids to no end, but need to regain my sanity from the attacks. I don’t think my once princess saw this coming. Who will she lash out at now that I am not her punching bag, and refuse to play the custody game with her? I feel this is the only way to break the cycle of a custody battle, and change my life.
The catepiller concept constantly stays in the front of my mind when I think about my divorce. Now its more like Phoenix rising (yet again from more ashes). My good friend said, “you dear are a butterfly, he is a maggot, he wants you to come down again and roll around in the poop with him. But, you are evolved and you are beautiful and you know it stinks. You just need to look down on him, then look around at the view and go suck a flower.” When I start getting (or looking) down, I now think, “I need to go suck a flower.” Then I go do something nice for myself.