Dear anger,
Your powerful energy drove me to a point of disgust within myself. You made me realise I hated looking in the mirror each day only to see an empty, angry soul looking back at me.
You taught me that I was in deep pain and something needed to change. You helped me see that the poison coming out of my mouth was beyond my control and I could no longer suppress what I felt. You made me realise I was spiralling out of control. Most of all, you showed me that I was indeed the angry bitch that my ex-partner used to call me.
I now see that you served a very important purpose in my life. As much as I didn’t want you around, I knew you were here to stay and that frightened me. I must confess, I did feel at times that my anger was well justified. After all, it was an expression of some emotion, which was better than feeling numb and emotionally cut off like I did the previous three years of my life.
When I packed up my belongings, I didn’t realise I was taking you with me, but somehow you snuck in my suitcase, too. I wasn’t ready to face the pain, but you stood by me and were relentless in your pursuits. At times, the angry tirade spewed out of my mouth without any prior warning.
My kids didn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of that. Why couldn’t you pick your moments? Sure, I know you were only trying to help me see that I needed to get stuff out, but seriously you could have let up once in a while.
You knocked down every brick wall I had built up until you exposed my raw broken soul. God damn you, one brick at a time you left me feeling vulnerable, helpless and directionless.
Anger, don’t you know that you’re one of those shameless emotions that no one likes to admit to? Can’t you see that I was pretending to have it all together, so why keep showing up in my life and pushing for something better?
I remembered, once upon a time saying out loud that I liked who I was. It’s been a long time since I claimed that statement.
“Go away, leave me in peace. I’m doing my best, OK?”
“OK, OK you win! I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired of fighting with you all of the time.”
“You’re making me ill. I’m struggling to get through each day. I don’t need you anymore.”
I get it. You saved me from breaking and forced me to release the baggage I was holding onto. I thank you for helping me see the light and offload the pain that I was in. I’m grateful that you allowed me to see my truth and find my voice again.
You stuck by me when no one else did. Instead of hating you, I’m calling a truce. I have decided to douse you in love and compassion for you taught me something incredibly real. That the anger I was holding onto was only affecting me.
I will use the same energy, coupled with sheer determination and stubbornness to seek sweet revenge. I know what I have to do now; find my own happily ever after again and I’m on my way.
I see the truth now.
Here are the 10 most important things that you taught me:
1. You saved me from breaking.
2. You are a powerful emotion and if used in the right way, can indeed propel you to new heights.
3. You gave me a taste of who I never wanted to be.
4. I’m now aware of the crushing impacts that you had on mine and my children’s wellbeing.
5. You fuelled my willingness to change.
6. You put me on the path of self-love and compassion
7. I learned about forgiveness.
8. There’s not a day that goes by without me feeling grateful for something.
9. You taught me how to access peace, which was waiting on the other side for me when I was ready.
10. That I had a right to be angry, but it was up to me to stay angry or to be something more in life.
Thank you, thank you, I thank you!
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