Divorcing and divorced men were fantastic – both as support and a fountain of knowledge. When I was close to losing it, these great fellows were less emotional, more practical and pointed out what was on track in my divorce.
In the mandated parenting class that our attorneys’ clients attend, these men opened up to share their fears and points of view. We, women, got to laughing about how we could turn a trivial aspect of our divorces into something quite monumental.
Guys, here are a few divorce tips for you.
Ignore the idiots who tell you to “man up.” If You need to vent, then go out with buddies and tell them about your divorce from hell over a pint. You will be surprised to hear even more absurd divorce stories than yours. Guys, check in with a divorce coach if yours is spinning out of control. Forming strategies on how to cope will make you more empowered and be more composed in court. Enrolling in a parenting class or divorce support group will remind you that you are not alone.
There is something to the saying “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” Do you really want to argue over a sofa or wedding china? Let her have these and save your energy for going after the big ticket items. It is customary for each spouse to take personal gifts given to them by their family members. If your family gave valuable presents and hers gave trinkets, make sure you leave with what is due to you. My mother had to put in writing the large items that were given to me when there was a dispute over these goods in our divorce.
Women are more emotional and may cry or yell when stressed out during a divorce. Keeping your cool will help us calm down and stick with the divorce agenda. Lashing out (even when justified) may escalate our moodiness, so try to keep a business-like demeanor.
It will be hard for you not to see your kids 24/7. Some fathers work extra and complete projects when the youngsters are with the other parent. This will free up some of your schedule so more time can be spent with doing fun activities with the little ones when you have them. Go out with the guys and get your social needs met when the kids are away. Let your ex know that you are happy to step in and take the kids when she has to travel for work or has last minute emergencies. You will get to see the children more and are viewed as being cooperative. This will make life easier if you want extra time with the kids for a family reunion and so forth.
“Things get better with time” is a cliché but it is absolutely true. The first several months of visitation is an adjustment and difficult when you drop them off each time. You will start to get into a pattern of seeing friends, hitting the gym more and having time for your own pursuits in between shared time. Life does get easier in the future, just hang in there. Post-divorce, some men have joined hiking groups or joined community or work sports teams for fun and camaraderie. Others have taken classes to advance in their careers. This may be the time to step up visiting elderly relatives and help them with minor house repairs. I know of several divorced men who made more frequent journeys to their hometowns to check on parents and reunite with old friends.
Take care of yourself during divorce and consume alcohol in moderation. Get sleep, exercise, and do not fret about trying to emulate chef Jamie Oliver because healthy take-out is fine. You will get through this crazy episode in your life.
More from DivorcedMoms
Your children are rebelling against their father to please you. Intentionally or not, they are picking up from you that loving and accepting their father is disloyal to you.
The law already defines what physical abuse is, and should be invoked if they are being injured or malnourished. The law does not define non-physical abuse, but alienating children is understood by professionals to be a form of abuse (by the alienating parent; in this case, their father is the targeted parent).
There is no state where a child subject to a custody order gets to choose which parent to live with. In all states, the court decides, and failure to follow the court orders is grounds for various legal punishments including jail, and also a basis for the court to change the order to give the children and non-primary custodian more time together, sometimes even reversing primary custody.
It is in the children’s best interest to have good relationships with both parents. If their relations are suffering, you should give them more time together to work on the problems.
You do not get to define good parenting by their other parent. He will rear them differently from how you do, because he is not you. You not only need to understand and accept that, you also need to make the children understand that it’s normal and good to have parents who are very different.
Do not be a “gatekeeper.” Stop participating in cutting off children from their parent. I assure you it will not end well for anyone involved.
Please point out to me where in this article the writer says anything about her children not wanting to see their father? Quite the opposite, she encourages men to spend more time with their children. And, given my experience, some men need that encouragement.
This article was written to applaud the fantastic divorcing men who gave us women encouragement and taught us to lighten up a bit. Divorced and divorcing men can use some support and need to remember to take care of themselves too. The advice is to help fellows have an easier time in this stressful period.