Divorce Is Only As Hard As You Make It

Embracing resilience keeps divorce from being so difficult.

 

“Divorce is only as hard as you make it.” These were the words of a dear friend of mine, who was going through a high-conflict divorce many moons ago.

Over the many nights through my own divorce where I cradled my children to sleep, in their flood of tears, those few words didn’t sit well with me.

But I knew she was right.

Embracing a resilient mindset allowed me to accept and deal with the nature of divorce.

I knew that temporary feelings of discomfort and grief were going to be part of my divorce experience.

But knowing that these feelings were transitory, gave me the strength and will to get through each, and every testing moment.

Slowly, I began paying attention to my internal mental dialogue and harnessed the power of optimism. Instead of holding onto the grief about what I had lost, I began to embrace life’s ordinary moments and beamed with thoughts of new possibilities.

I started to cultivate gratitude for the smallest of things, which led me to the realization that these were the greatest things that mattered the most.

I cherished every single moment I had with my children.

I discovered what it was that I loved to do.

I tried new things, learned a new language, introduced myself to meditation, enrolled in courses to continue my education. I stepped out of my comfort zones (including out of a plane at 14,000 feet) and met new beautiful people along the way.

As I recovered each piece of myself that I had long forgotten, and accepted my own shortcomings, I found that I was enough. I was always enough. I AM enough.

One of the most liberating aspects of this experience was that I stopped waiting for a new Mr. Right to come save me.

I didn’t need any saving. What I needed was to look inside myself and refuel my soul. By doing so, I found out who it was that I wanted to be and what it was that I wanted out of life.

I consciously decided to invest time and resources into the person that I had neglected for so many years. I learned to embrace self-love and self-compassion.

Where I once believed that I had no skills to offer nor the aptitude to pursue opportunities in life, I became absolutely confident. Confident that within me, I had everything that I needed to parent my children and build a wonderful life for us.

As I recovered each piece of myself that I had long forgotten, and accepted my own shortcomings, I found that I was enough. I was always enough. I AM enough.

With that, I can proudly give my children the very best of me.

As my friend had imparted her wisdom to me so many years ago, I’d like to do the same for others today and say, “Divorce like any other event requires a response.”

Despite any painful thoughts, feelings, and struggles surrounding the circumstances of a divorce, we all have three choices when moving forward. We can:

1. cower in a corner and wallow in self-pity,

2. do things that make life worse for ourselves and our children, or

3. work towards growth and healing and do things that matter to improve our lives.

If you have been choosing options 1 and/or 2 for way too long, then the strategy below will help you embrace option 3.

In Stephen Covey’s book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen explains that issues and concerns in our lives fall into two distinct categories. Either within our “Circle of Concern” or in our “Circle of Influence”.

The basic idea is that there are some concerns, like our country’s economic conditions, gun laws or even other people’s behaviors, for example, which fall into our Circle of Concern. Things that we have very little or no control over as individuals.

Then there are things that we have some control or direct influence over. Things like improving our physical or emotional health, relationships etc. are issues that we can work on. Those issues we can do something about sits within our Circle of Influence.

My invitation to you today is to identify ONE thing that is within your Circle of Influence.

What is one thing that you can do in the next 24-48 hours that will be of benefit to you and your children?

This can be something as simple as planning a healthy meal for tomorrow night, making a phone call to someone who may have supported you recently, or taking time out for yourself to relax and recharge.

Although these small steps will not manifest huge life transformations overnight, they will take you one step closer to building a better life.

So, I encourage you to dream big.

Hold onto the vision of the life you want for you and your children. Do one small thing each day to work towards that vision and soon your bigger goals will be within reach.

What is ONE small thing within your Circle of Influence that you can focus on today?

Photo by Abigail Keenan on Unsplash