The Wifey is no more. I am officially The Ex-Wifey.
My final court date was this past Monday, those damn Monday court dates!
Below is what I wrote that night (thankfully it was Pap’s night with Kiddo) while inebriated. I wanted to save what I was feeling in my drunken state. It took me four days to even consider looking at what I wrote.
Life Goes On
I have been told more times then I would like to count through this entire process that “Life goes on”. I was so tired of hearing it. Then this morning as I changed the calendar in the kitchen to February, I cried. It came fast and out of now where. Life and time does go on.
So with a lot of proofreading and deleting (mainly profanity) here is what I composed the night of my divorce:
***
I said I would be honest and here is honesty.
My husband popped the divorce discussion when my son was five months old and I am now divorced, Kiddo turned 2 a few months back. This shit is hard. It hurts. It hurts badly.
Everyone says it will get better. At this moment in time they can suck the balls I do not have. I hurt…it’s a pain I have never experienced in my life.
I feel worthless. I tried to cover my pain my alcohol. I went to my local watering hole and that did not work. Alcohol never fixes anything.
I divorced my husband today.
The pain is intense. 
I had no control over my divorce. I feel like the odd ball. Everyone says I should be happy. I do not feel happy. I feel I am having an out of body experience.
I lied under oath. The judge asked if I felt my marriage was beyond repair. Does she not know that I had no choice? By the time I was in my right mind, my husband was in love with someone else.
I have had no control through out my entire divorce.
I play the tough gal role. I am totally non-violent. But I left court wanting to punch something, anything. I still have not punched anything yet.
The pain is intense. Shit. Especially if you are the one who did not want the divorce. I did not want this. Never did. This shit utterly sucks.
One funny moment, Pap arrives and it is just us in the courtroom and I say “ the fat lady has not sang yet”. He was already emotional and with that comment he leaves the courtroom for a moment.
I was so strong. No tears, till the judge brings up my son and how she commends us for thinking of the Kiddo first. Which she clearly saw in our parenting plan. So often she has to make what she thinks is the best decision for the kid (s) involved because many times the parents only think of themselves during this difficult time. She thanked us for doing what we thought was best for our son. I freaking lost it, the tears rolled.
The day was a good one. I woke up early. Made breakfast and started a load of laundry. I was like it’s a new day. It’s the first day of the rest of our lives. I felt lighter. The dreaded day was here and I was okay.
When it was time for court and I had to hug kiddo goodbye. I caved. This 2-year-old kid had no idea what I was about to do and how it would change his life. He was so happy. I did not want to leave him. I totally squeezed the stuffing out of him.
Time will tell if it was good or bad, no matter, his life changed today. And for that I cried, no I bawled.
Everyone says he is young and he will recover. How do you recover from your parents divorce? He may have a freaking awesome life. But there will come that day when he wonders what the hell happened.
As his mother, I know it is coming and decided I will never tell him, so that his dad never is looked as the bad guy. It will always be his dad’s decision to share.
I want better for my Kiddo. I never want him to ever know the pain his mom is feeling right now. It hurts. And all the people who tell me it will get easier does not make me feel better right now.
Marriage is truly becoming a situation of convenience and when it becomes an inconvenience, screwing the marriage and the kids is becoming the norm.
Which leads me to what the fuck is wrong with this society, cause the pain caused is no where near the freedom I am supposed to be experiencing right now?
***
Today as I was deciding if I would share this or not, Cuckoo Momma posted a blog regarding it being her 2-year divorce anniversary. It gave me strength. Life does absolutely go on. It will include happiness and good sex. Yep, I honed in on the good sex part. I would like to fast forward to the best sex ever part, but I will be patient.
Oh, completely forgot about the good news. The Judge dated our divorce December 31, 2013 nunc pro tunc. Hells yeah!!!! The tax savings for me is HUGE, considering I was unemployed six months out of 2013 and in school. This may be the first time in a very long time that I will not owe the State or Federal governments.
Plus, 2014 is now truly a fresh start for me.
Peace out,
The Ex-Wifey
P.S. I wore butterfly socks!!
Oh! I’m so glad I helped you. I loved what you wrote about changing your child’s life on that day. I felt so much like that and I still feel so guilty about that sometimes. My ex didn’t blindside me quite like yours did, but he did tell me wasn’t willing to work on our marriage, so that kind of left me no choice. I still can’t believe I’m divorced. One day I have to forgive myself.
Good for you on the socks. You are going to be fine!
CM
Hugs to you, as you begin this new chapter in your life! Love the butterfly socks! Fly away into your new beautiful life!
@CM – So often as parents, moms, we have no idea til much later the date/time when something affects our child(ren). I am working on being thankful that I am fully aware of one of these life changing moments for my son.
Forgiveness – the allusive component we all share in life. But once reached, you wonder why you held on for so long. I look forward to that day when I can truly say I forgive Pap and myself.
@SC – Thanks so much.