This father, if he listens to Dear Abby, could make a choice that will have a negative and life-long impact on his relationship with his son. Dear Abby definitely got this one wrong!
I read a Dear Abby column recently from a dad who was divorced when his son was 9. His ex-wife married the man she had an affair with and they now have a 12-year-old son. This Dad’s son, now aged 24 brings his half-brother with him on visits to dad. Dad is remarried and says he is in a “good place” but wants his son to stop bringing his half-brother because his presence stirs up emotions about the past.
Dear Abby agrees with Dad that he can write to his ex and explain that it’s too painful for the boy’s visits to continue and that dad can have a conversation with his son to explain it.
I disagree with Dear Abby. Before Dad writes to his ex, I’d like him to think through the consequences of this. There’ll be many occasions in the future when is son might wish him to be present – his wedding, birth of a grandchild, family Thanksgiving, family celebrations. If Dad sends the message now that he can’t be in the presence of half-brother, he’s telling his son that he won’t be able to deal with these family occasions.
At best, his son will be trying to figure out how to have Dad at special occasions in his life without causing a scene or making it awkward. Can you see this Dad sitting at the head table at a wedding?
At worst, Dad won’t even get invited to the main occasion and if he’s lucky he’ll get invited to a secondary event, held because he can’t be comfortable around his son’s half-brother. No word on how Dad feels in the presence of his ex. If he doesn’t want to be around the half-brother, I can’t imagine he is going to find being around his ex-wife anymore comforting.
Dad’s proposed action will be forcing son to choose between his half-brother and his Dad and that’s not a smart parenting choice even if the child is an adult.
Dad says he’s in a “good place” now however the marriage ended fifteen years ago and memories of his ex’s infidelity are still stirring up an intense emotional reaction? It sounds like dad still has self-work to do and I would suggest he start by examining his role in the end of his marriage. And the role he will want to play in his own son’s life in the future.
Most experts agree that both spouses play a role in infidelity and that an affair is usually a symptom of more fundamental relationship issues. So while mom had the affair, how did dad contribute?
Was he emotionally unavailable?
Was he disinterested in social activities?
Was he career-focused and absent from parenting?
What was Dad’s behavior during the marriage that may have contributed to the infidelity?
Identifying the real problem is the path to self-growth and healing after divorce and infidelity and offers potential rewards for his present relationship. It’s also the path to forgiveness and acceptance. That forgiveness may be for his ex but the most important person to forgive is himself. The potential benefit of that is huge: a continuing and improved relationship with his son.
No one forces someone to have an affair. It’s a choice. If you’re not happy with your spouse then leave. To say that the one cheated on needs to forgive themselves is ridiculous.
Sophie, well put. Infidelity is a game changer in a marriage. And I think 100% of married people know that. When they go there, there is seldom a happy outcome. The other partner might have contributed to unhappiness in the marriage, but they didn’t force the other person to be unfaithful. That was a choice made by an adult who should have known it would have a negative outcome and probably destroy their marriage. Why tell someone to forgive themselves for contributing to a partner’s infidelity?
I’m not suggesting that Dad is responsible for the affair – clearly he’s not. He is responsible for his own choices and most people I work with, do see choices they made that they would do differently, if do-overs were an option. It’s not about self-blame, or would have, could have, should have. It is about recognizing how you got to where you are and how you might choose differently in the future.
You’re right Sophie – having an affair is a choice and it is almost always an indicator of a deeply troubled relationship which is the result of the dynamics between both spouses. I’m in no way excusing the choice to have an affair. I wish people had the courage and strength to confront the problems before they have an affair. That Dad still finds the end of his marriage so painful after 15 years means that he still has work to do and personally, I don’t believe he’ll be able to be his true, authentic self until has done the work.
I would advise taking the middle road, the one that respects the Dad’s own feelings and also keeps the door open to be a part of his son’s future life. He should tell his son that he’s always happy to see his half-sibling and praise him for included him in things, but then ask if they can have some alone time, just the two of them when the younger half brother doesn’t tag along. The issue doesn’t seem to be seeing the half-sibling, but having him intrude on the personal visits with his birth son.
Doreen – I love your suggestion of finding some one-on-one time for Dad and his son. That would seem to be something that they would both appreciate.
So your blaming the man for his wife bring a whore and expecting him to babysit her kid with one of her affair partners? BULL.
the father should tell the son he wants father son time. Period. It’s crude to expect this man to want that kid around. As for a place at the head table…should the step father be allowed there? After all he was having sex with the grooms mom. Should the mom be there? She is the one who whored around.
Your attacking this man for not wanting his ex wife’s child with her affair partner around is messed up. The son obviously learned some selfish rude behavior from the mom. The father should just tell the son that he doesn’t want the boy intruding on father son time. Period.
YOUR putting all the blame on this father, and assuming he would be person non grata at his sons wedding is ridiculous. He didn’t break up the family. The slutty wife did. Is she off having sex with other men while she pushes off her kid, and expects her ex to babysit?
the son should know better, and should immediately understand why his dad doesn’t want that kid around. It’s simple common sense. Shame on you for blaming this man for a thing. His wife was the slut. If the son should shun anyone it’s the mother and her husband. Not the father.
Lynn, son’s feelings about his little brother are more important than anything that happened between this father and his ex. Daddy needs to grow up, get over it or risk losing his son who is a heck of a lot more mature than Daddy is.
There’s rather a large leap from the information we’re given (Dad asks son not to bring half-brother, unrelated to Dad AND stark reminder of Mom’s infidelity, *to Dad’s home*) and what this writer assumes (“Dad sends the message now that he *can’t be in the presence of* half-brother”).
It’s sort of like saying, “Gee, Mrs. Kennedy, I know this is the same rifle that was used to murder your husband, but I really love this rifle; you should just get used to me bringing it with me on my visits to your home.”
Dad is remarried, in his own words is in a “good place.” Dad has been divorced for 15 years. But Dad is still bothered by the reminder caused by the visits of the 12-year-old boy. Dad needs to work on getting over the fact that his first wife cheated on him. For his own sake and the sake of his present wife. Dad needs to grow up and stop holding onto a grudge.
And, you actually believe that being cheated on is related to watching your husband’s head being blown off. I’m thinking you’re being a bit of a drama queen and may need to get over being cheated on too.
I am confused as to why the 24 year old son needs to bring along his 12 year old half-brother to visit his father. I see no reason to. Each child has their own father. I am surprised that the stepfather would allow it, knowing full well the circumstances surrounding the end of his wife’s marriage and his involvement in it. Not everyone is nice to children born out of those circumstances, even though they should be kind to those innocent children, but there is no reason to keep aggravating an old wound. Besides, and this sounds awful, who knows what the 12 year old is relaying to his parents when he goes home?
I don’t find it confusing at all. The older boy is close to the younger boy…they are brothers regardless of who the fathers are. It isn’t either child’s place to compensate or give up what they want and need just because Daddy is uncomfortable. Daddy needs to grow up, get over it and think about his grown sons instead of himself. Good Lord, he is a grown man, he needs to stop sulking over his wife leaving him. He has after all gone on to remarry and rebuild his life.
I am on the fence about this one. I do not understand why a 24 year old, an adult, is bringing over his little brother, unless he lives there. (again, 24 year old is an adult, what does this 12 year old have to do with this dad?) Yes, the dad obviously needs self-help, but why does anyone think this kid coming over is a good idea? It’s like the annoying kid next door in sitcoms that always come over, and everyone keeps telling him to go home.
Reading the comments below were ten times more interesting than the artical. Amazing how many people want to judge the victim of a cheated-on spouse, no matter how much time has passed. If I had been the Dad, I would Have explained to my son that while I admire and respect his wishes to love his little HALF- brother, that honestly the kid reminds the father that his son’s mother was a lying skanky ho and yes while, he’s moved on with a better person, nothing except a full lobotomy would take the memory of his ex’s enormous selfishness and treachery completely away, especially with the little < > around. The End.