I had not thought about divorce much at all until I got separated and then divorced myself. I had not known anyone going through a “nasty” divorce. I did know a number of women who were unhappy in their marriages but not even considering divorce. So when things in my own marriage finally ran off into the gutter, I had no prior experience with how people dealt with divorce, viewed divorced people, and, most importantly, no good plan of action for myself.
My soon to be ex-husband was viewed as “a really nice” guy. People really liked him. We never really showed signs of stress in the relationship. We lived in an upper-class area with traditional type households ( i.e. mom-dad-two or three kids-dog). A lot of people driving around with those stupid people/animal stickers in the back of their rear view windows depicting their family.
Even though my ex filed for divorce, said he wanted the divorce, he refused to leave our marital home. I needed some sense of stability and peace for myself and my children. However, on my income alone, in the area we lived and where our children went to school, there was no way I could afford a place to keep us all. So, I left the marital home and moved out. Even then, I had people crying foul. Telling me to fight for the house, fight to be able to live with my kids, fight, fight, fight. Some people do exactly that and I do not disparage them. You need to figure out what is best for yourself. No decision is easy and hindsight is always 100 percent different.
I moved into a small apartment near the marital home and my kids school. Actually it was my first rental all my own! I never rented an apartment by myself ever. I had no washer and dryer and lived among a lot of twenty-somethings who started their evenings at 10 pm. At that time of night I was struggling to stay awake to watch the 10 pm news! People close to me were incredulous. They really were. A lot of them stopped talking to me and a few could not stop giving me advice and telling me everything I was doing wrong. I wanted to curl up and never wake up.
I can recall someone saying to me: “What!” “Even if I had to sleep on the floor with all four of us in one room, I would never leave my kids!!” Um, I did not leave my kids!! I left my horrible marriage! I did not leave my children. I never ever even thought of myself as a “non custodial” parent until three years after the divorce someone referred to me as that!
Well, my first apartment during the separation was a one bedroom and when my kids were over, I had one in the bed, one on an air bed, one still at his dad’s house, and I slept on the loveseat. All this luxury for over $1000.00 a month. We lived in an area where rents and mortgages were costly. I took nothing when I left except my clothes and personal items. No spousal support, no division of anything. We split expenses for our children 50/50. I had to go to the local food bank that first year because after I paid all my bills I had nothing left over for groceries.
I remember those early days searching the Internet for other moms who did not reside full-time with their children and who were going through divorce and separation. I was looking for support and information. I found NOTHING. Not one thing. Back then I was too tired, too wound up, and too overwhelmed to help anyone else. A few years later I am in a place to let others know that you are not alone and you can shape your “non-custodial” motherhood any way you want it!
There are always challenges. The schools never seem to be able to mail you, the non-custodial parent, the same information your ex gets. No matter how many calls and e-mails you send to them. Yes, you still meet those people who have the balls to say to you, “What? Why aren’t you living with your kids all the time?” There are no Mother’s Day cards for you.
There is still guilt to deal with. However, there is also a whole lot of pride. Pride in what you have accomplished since the divorce and pride in who you are now. I am about to send my oldest to college and need to pay half of his Fall tuition and also plan a graduation party for him. I am doing all of that on my own. My money, my time, my accomplishment! I still struggle financially. I do not take vacations. I can’t afford to give my kids a vacation either. If my sister, who is a hair stylist, did not cut and color my hair for me, I would really have a problem because there is nothing extra in the budget. I dream of getting a pedicure and eyebrow waxing.
I want any non-custodial mom to understand that I do “get you.” I really do. I am wishing you all the best.
Related Articles:
- In Defense of Non-Custodial Mothers
- How I Protected My Child From Family Court But Lost Custody
- Stop Judging Me People!
- What Happens When The Non-Custodial Parent Moves Abroad
photo credit: Focused Memory via photopin (license)
I have been a non-custodial mom since 2013, and it has been so difficult!! If I have learned one thing…it’s that these non-custodial mommas need some extra encouragement. I felt as if my identity as a mom had been stolen. If anyone on here is in Atlanta, GA, I have started a support group for us! Please feel free to check it out!
http://meetu.ps/c/3sk85/BnBJ6/f
I agree, encouraging one another is vital. Stay strong
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your story. I too am a non-custodial mom (ugh I hate that wording) who lived the same realities you experienced and described in this article. At the end of the day, I left my son’s father’s house knowing I did everything possible to make a difficult situation work and that in my heart of hearts, I am thinking of the relationship and example I want to be for my son and that included not allowing my son’s father to continue to disparage, demean, and disrespect me. To add to the irony, I am a family therapist, 32 years old, unmarried, Master’s degree educated snd recently had to move back home with my parents after struggling 2 yrs to rent an apartment that was nearby where my son and his father live. We too split our sons daycare and clothing etc 50/50 and co-parent well overall but I knew my son’s father would fight me terribly if I insisted on being the custodial parent. My son is also more attached to him moreso than myself and I truly want him to be happy, comfortable, and as possible with the transition. His needs will always supercede any natural desires I have for loyalty and needing to feel love from him. If you are still looking for support, I am here and willing to provide such for you and other mother’s in our lonely, misunderstood shoes.
Your story is so similar to mine. I had been battling depression for years and made some really poor choices, not realizing that what I really needed was to get away from my husband (I’m fine now, most of the time). When it came to divorce he said if I fought him that he would drag it all out in court and I would still lose. His family had money and my shame and self loathing kept me from realizing any different. I couldn’t afford our house on my own, and didn’t really want it any more. My kids were 3 and 5, and I wasn’t about to turn their whole lives upside down to satisfy my needs. So I packed up my meager things and moved. I rented a cheap apartment nearer to my work than the marital home, to save on commuting expenses, furnished it with cast-offs from my parents and Craigslist, but still spent plenty of time wondering how I was going to feed the kids on “my” weekend. Instead of splitting expenses I paid (and still pay 11 years later) child support. Things are ok now, and I am ok now too – remarried very happily and sharing a nice home where my kids have space and everything they need when they are with me. I like to try to make it sound normal, and it all feels normal to all of us now, but I still see the looks on people’s faces when I tell them, “oh, the kids don’t live with me full time…” or, “You’ll have to ask his dad about that, I can’t make that decision.” When the topic of divorce comes up in conversation, or someone asks why I don’t have my kids, I just say, “It was the best thing for them at the time,” and I truly believe that it was, and then I change the subject. I still sit in my 17 year old son’s room sometimes after they go home Sunday evenings but now I smile at, instead of cry over, his stuffed animal on the floor. I re-make my daughter’s bed where she has been melting into youtube for 24 hours and smell her hair on her pillow and remember how many times she has saved my life and doesn’t know it. So to all of you struggling with this fresh grief, please know that it does get better. It doesn’t go away but it mellows into acceptance and appreciation that you have this acute time with them and then the space to appreciate the joy that it brought in between.
Thanks for sharing your story. I am a non-custodial mom and it’s terrible As the “career spouse,” my ex handled most of the day to day tasks for the kids. I asked for the divorce because he stressed me out too much, but I allowed him primary custody because I knew they’d be in daycare less with how much I worked. So much was promised and I naively signed things away out of trust. Then, I found myself stuck with child support bills that were more than half my take home pay, and a giant empty house that I could no longer afford. With a crash in the housing market, I couldn’t afford to sell it either. I was forced to take a “temporary” relocation with my company across the country to cover the loss on the house. My ex agreed to so much to make that move happen and get his equity from the house. Now I’m a 24-hr drive away, practically living in poverty and no end in sight due to a company restructure after I moved that can’t promise me a move back. I’d give anything to just have my kids but I don’t see a legal way to have that. They keep asking me when I will be the one who takes care of them and it breaks my heart. I don’t know when healing will ever occur and it’s so hard to talk to anyone about. It’s nice to hear it may be okay one day.
I understand.
Thank you for this article and thank you ladies for sharing your stories. On paper, dad is the primary custodial parent during the school yeat but i get
days during the week and every other weekend. We split Summer 50/50. Its still very difficult knowing that you dont have your child every day! Especially as a mother. It feels un-natural. Be encouraged. Control what you can to ease the pain
I am a noncustodial parent as well, but my ex, their dad, can take care of them better than I do and he does a very good job with it. I get my kids 10 days a month and I’m very active in their lives. But I know with me, there is no stability, and I can’t provide them with a comfortable home compared to my ex. I get judged for being noncustodial mom all the time but I learned to let it slide, after all, those people and their opinions do not matter. What matters is my kids are well taken cared of.
Hi
I’m also a non custodial mom. My ex husband was abusive to me. I left him 11 years ago. However he has not left me alone. He uses the court system to abuse me. He is keeping my children from me. He wants to hurt by keeping my kids away from me. All while I m paying child support for my kids. I get no support. It’s very hard for me. I love my kids.
Thank you all for sharing. I am the non-custodial mom and this was not by choice. I was the stay at home mother and the ex-husband was able to be the custodial parent b/c money and power win. I have a fairly good visitation schedule with the children, however that was not obtained easily and a huge financial cost. I am still baffled, shocked, and having trouble accepting the new normal. Everything is still very fresh. Thank you all so much for sharing
I left the dad with no job and no where to go. If I could take that one day back… I regret so much!
I left the home. I never thought I’d be the noncustodial parent. Not for a second. I guess that was my mistake for being ignorant.
I had plans but no one else saw it out with me. The world was against me and all I wanted was to raise my children. It is very difficult watching them leave. I never show them this sadness. They are happy where they are. Taken care of. New shoes on their feet. I have to check the shoes for the size, though… doesn’t feel right. None of it feels right. Part of me is missing and that status “non custodial”! What is that! Seriously! The court papers say they are the ones controlling the “parent-child relationship”
I wish there was an easier way.
I appreciate the other moms who posted here. Thank you
Happy Mother’s Day 2020!