“Hostility.” This is how my ex just described my attempt to re-gain the court-appointed alimony payments from him; the ones he randomly decided to stop paying a few years ago. This description (hostility!) was eye-opening for me. I’d had no idea! Can you follow the logic?
After years of me offering alternatives to court, such as a commonly agreed written negotiation, collaborative divorce or maybe mediation, this last-ditch-effort hearing, according to him, had:
- Nothing to do with the fact that he went against a court order when he stopped paying me alimony;
- Nothing to do with general financial need or fairness;
- Nothing to do with me needing the means to live in the expensive area where he lives with my children (my old neighborhood); and…
- Nothing to do with me just standing up for what is right, given our own story.
You’d think that I was making up this whole new concept called “alimony” and was trying to press this wacky new idea on an unsuspecting court system as a sole result of my hostility against him! I mean, he may not like paying alimony, but alimony has nothing to do with hostility. It was invented for a reason.
The funny thing is, my response to him that it was “nothing personal” was absolutely true! It’s been far too long since our separation. I have moved on and healed in an amazingly powerful way. Yet, part of my healing has been to acknowledge when I have rights and when I need to stick up for myself.
There was a point before heading back into court that I almost decided to “just let it go.” But that decision would not have been made based on what is best for me, overall, it would have been made out of a wariness of his crazy and a desire to keep his negative energy at bay and far, far, far away from me!
I could have swaddled such a decision in some sort of high-road agenda to “leave the past and his negativity behind me.” I practiced that in my head, actually. I could tell family and friends, who’d stuck by me all these years, that I had made this more-or-less “spiritual” decision. I could make it sound good. I could pretend I wasn’t being chicken and once again letting my ex get every single last thing he wanted. I almost convinced myself that it would be better to walk away from asking for what was right.
However, as I contemplated “the high-road,” and I mean an authentic one, it occurred to me that taking the high-road can be done without leaving myself and my own interests in the dust. Plus, I felt that my decision might just go beyond me. After all, I am training to be a divorce coach and a personal coach!
What if my decision somehow informed others? Or my daughters, God forbid? What about all the women on the planet now and in the future, all these women who, if I knew them, I would encourage to stand up for their rights?
We all need to be able to stand up to that one big bully who just wants to get his own way 24/7 and who would hold us down out of the mere fact that he could and that he was fairly certain we just might allow him to hold us down. Thinking of it this way, I knew for myself I only had one choice. I had to hold my nose and go back into the courtroom.
So into the courtroom I have gone. The “jury” is still out. I cannot know if I will succeed, but I do feel that I have done the right thing for me. And, it doesn’t matter who except me believes it, I feel nothing but peace as I move forward.
More about Alimony and Support:
- Alimony Angst: How Should It Be Allocated?
- Is Alimony “All In The Family?”
- The Real Truth Behind Spousal Support and Alimony
- You Won’t Believe What This Mother Has To Pay Her Ex
I wish you all the best luck in court, and i’m sure you will gain this adversity, somehow. Kisses Jacqueline
Jacqueline, thank you! I have already gained so much treasure throughout this that I feel blessed. Have a great day.
Next time, before you put out, get the cash up front. Oh wait a minute, the pic atop the article is NOT you, I saw your bio pic. You need to go back to school and resume work on your library science degree, you’re not a keeper.
Dear Leslie, I choose to publish and not delete your comment because this is a perfect example to show other women who’ve left behind men like you. You stand as a shining beacon and make us all thankful to be where we are now. Your comment is absolutely perfect and made me smile. Clearly, you don’t know me very well! My words of advice to you are this: be careful who you emulate on Game of Thrones http://gameofthrones.wikia.com/wiki/Joffrey_Baratheon
I am about to go down this path soon. I have been married for 34 years to the same man, but he walked out of our marriage and me a year and a half ago. While we aren’t legally separated, he now lives in another state, but still financially supports me and our sons, by giving me his entire military pension, so I consider myself to be very lucky.Most me who abandon their wives like my husband did me, without any clue that he wasn’t happy, and nothing was ever said, pull the financial “money rug” out from undr their wives, leaving them destitute and desperate.
I have kept myself and attitude above board with my soon to be ex, never yelled or cursed at him over the phone or told him what I really think of him as a person, who I loved and gave my heart and soul to for over 3 decades. But, except for myself, serving in the U.S. Navy for 4 1/.2 years and also int he Naval Reserves, I didn’t work during our married life together, yet supported all of “His” careers and goals from his acquiring his Bachelor’s Degree in Business to his Master’s Degree in IT at the Naval Post Graduate School in Monterey, to his military career of 20+ years, to his corporate career as an IT consultant for 9 years, or his francshise business, to his own real estate brokerage in TX. Yes, I gave up my life for his, and now I deserve a fair amount of “Spousal Maintenance” from my almost ex.
When my husband was angry and walking out, he mentioned to me that he would be “willing” to give me half of his military pension, in aN “Uncontested” divorce. Well that would be about $1400 for me to live on monthly, (which includes our mentally disabled 23 year old too) and wouldn’t be fair to me at all. That would leave me living in POVERTY, and feel I don’t deserve this at all not after 34 years of my marriage and also at 57 years old too.
I will be seriously looking for a divorce attorney, who will work for me on my behalf, and can obtain a decent alimony or spousal maintenance settelment for me to live on, because otherwise, my future does not look to bright for me financially and cannot fathom the cruelty of living this way either.
Also through my reading and research, I now know that I married a complete narcissist who sucked the life out of me, and when he ruined our credit, hated his job, could not love our two sons, was socially and emotionally stunted and could not tell me he wasn’t happy but threw me out of our marital bed, and didn’t touch me phsically for over 6 months, but knew I had no money or finances to leave him, he up and left me. The devastation and emotional truama was horrible to bear, yet I stopped crying eventually and realized I did nothing wrong, and never deserved to be treated like this either.
I just want what I deserve, enough money to live. As for any uncontested divorce, I never signed anything, nor will I until an attorney looks it over, and feels it will be the best deal for me.
Hi Deborah,
I am so glad you understand what has happened to you in the sense that you understand the personality disorder (or tendency) that your ex has to look ONLY through the lens of how things/decisions/finances impact him. And good for you that you understand you are deserving of continued financial support. Your new life can be great. Not just good, but great. Keep the faith:)