The temperatures have plunged and I am in a January funk. Top that off with the fact that I am no longer married, and it can make for a very lonely and dark time. Though I am not living with anyone now, it doesn’t mean my sex life should suffer. Besides, my life suffered for numerous years in a sexless marriage. And scientific research proves winter is actually the best time for some racy romps with a special someone.
Have you ever felt ashamed of your sexual desires? In my marriage, there were times I felt like a pervert for desiring certain things with lovemaking and for wanting it more than eight times per year – the true definition of a sexless marriage. Unfortunately, for many of us – and that included me – sex and shame are intrinsically entwined. It was until I separated about three months ago.
Being on my own has given me a lot of time to read a lot of articles, blogs, posts, etc. on what a normal sex life is. It has enlightened me to know that holding on to what many call “sexual shame” keeps us from experiencing healthy and satisfying sex lives. American society has been very prudish on what I perceive as a very normal and much-needed part of our lives. We have been told many things that we should and should not do.
Many of us have been told that numerous aspects of sex are “dirty” (such as masturbation). Other forms of sex are considered kinky (such as being tied up) and out of bounds for us. That is changing as millions of women have embraced Fifty Shades of Grey – the 2011 erotic romance novel by British author E. L. James, which has brought S&M into the mainstream.
Thanks to the Internet, people like Galen Focus MTP are now able to help us realize our “erotic desires in a personally sacred and mature foundation.” There are bloggers out there such as Bobbie Morgan who are now posting open, honest and reliable information on what we were not supposed to talk about.
Sex is an important part of what makes us human beings. There’s nothing shameful or wrong about it, regardless of what we’ve been lead to believe. It is why I follow Erica Jagger online. This 51 year old divorced woman in southern California has discovered the world of sex since she divorced her husband. I certainly do not believe in her friends with benefits relationships (FWB), but do think she should have the sexual freedom to do what two consenting adults want to do.
Erica has realized that women do not peak sexually in their 30s. A recent study that was eight years in the making (published in JAMA Internal Medicine) analyzed the sexual lives and beliefs regarding sex of over 600 women ages 40 to 65. They found that women who have positive attitudes about sex are three times more likely to stay pleasurably sexually active during middle-age than other women!
I am approaching my new life by overcoming my sexual shame. Just because I am no longer living in the same house as my wife doesn’t mean there’s something shameful or wrong about wanting sex. With the encouragement of my online friends, I have accepted sex as part of who I am, and I want it folded it into my life now. I consider myself being sexually empowered. It is all about embracing the joys and power of sex. This 56 year-old man looks at it in a totally enlightened and different view than when I was in my 20s. The parameters for it were different at that my point in my life.
Top that off with the fact that I now know how to make love versus sex. As a young “stud” (I was an athlete), my goal was to climax. It was slam-bam-thank you, ma’am. I am sorry to be so blunt. Now after years of marriage, I know it is the whole thing, from foreplay to sexual penetration to bonding together afterwards. Baby Boomer women and men (like me) have been through so much. All of us are more interesting than we were when we were in our 20s.
To me, lovemaking is sex with love and compassion. It brings about the most intense and pleasurable times for a couple. Sex by itself is just for physical pleasure. I feel that it lacks the intensity and rewards that lovemaking provides. Because of this difference, I shall pursue lovemaking for the ultimate form of sex. Though I am now free to have sex with any woman, I will not go for what many call FWB.
Do not put off sex because you are not married! Many in society (especially the Millennials) will not look at you in a bad light for having sex before getting married. You’re not a virgin so you are not saving yourself for that special day. Besides, sex has many benefits. I am talking beyond the physical pleasures and the oxycodone mental high. Did you know sex boosts your immune system? Research shows sex reduces stress levels – perfect after separating and getting a divorce. I do not know how many times I have read that men and women who have an active sex life look between five and seven years younger than their actual age.
Let’s not forget that many experts say we live a longer (fuller!) life if we have sex in to our sunset years. Do not kid yourself that sex ends at retirement or after getting a divorce. Dr. Ruth Westheimer stated in her book, Dr. Ruth’s Sex After 50: Revving Up the Romance, Passion & Excitement!, that it is not unusual for a couple to make love in to their 90s. Why stop because you got divorced? I am certainly not going to do that! My goal is to enjoy this part of life for another four decades (The company that handles my 401(k) says I will live until at least the age of 92). Hopefully, it will be with my second (and last) wife.
Not enough good reasons? Professor Beth Montemurro from Pennsylvania State University interviewed 95 women between the ages of 20 and 68 as part of a study into sexual evolution. She found that divorce often gave women a burst of confidence. These divorced women were inspired with the attitude of self-discovery, giving them a chance to seek sexual relationships on their own terms.
Women in their 50s and 60s feel that they are still sensual, still full of desire, still yearning for intimacy, and still full of love to give! You are separated / you are divorced: Please do some self-examination about where your sexual shame comes from. Hopefully you can rid yourself of it and begin to discover your sexual self and finally enjoy life to the fullest.
How has divorce changed your attitudes about sex?
- Five Men Every Divorced Mom Needs
- How To Have Casual Sex With “Mr. Right NOW” Without Getting Hurt
- You’re Sexy and You Know It!
- Casual Relationships: Sexual Freedom Or A Lowering Of Standards?
You write, “Have you ever felt ashamed of your sexual desires?” How long do you have to listen to my answer?
My first marriage was to a man who I think was an amoeba. Extremely asexual. There was a span of 3 years where sex was off the table. Don’t get me wrong, I would initiate, approach, beguile, you name it. But it just wasn’t happening.
Did I feel like a pervert? Absolutely. Husband #1’s words, “I just don’t need sex as much as you do.”
Add that to a society that leads us to believe that men always want sex and women always have headaches. It felt so wrong to be a woman who liked, wanted, desired sex only to have her advances politely but firmly pushed away night after night.
Yes, I was ashamed. Yes, I felt like I was a pervert. And how do you speak up, get support from friends who are in the “my husband wants sex all the time” boat? What I would have given to have a husband who wanted me.
When Husband #2 and I got together, I specifically asked that we have sex twice a week (a lottery win based on my first marriage’s frequency level). Thankfully sex was never an issue for us (at least in my mind).
I never felt the shame with Husband #2 that I did with Husband #1.
Congratulations on meeting someone with your libido and desires!
I strongly feel that intimacy is a vital part of a marriage.
Society’s stereotypes of each gender causes problems with our lovemaking.
Society’s demands on what we should be doing in our bedrooms causes problems with our marriages.
Society’s moral values (such as a woman’s vagina is dirty) causes problems with our self-esteem.
Society’s thinking concerning sex causes problems with marital communications. Many married men and women cannot openly discuss sex. It is why so many marriages fail. I think it is a huge reason my marriage ended after almost three decades. Despite me telling my wife numerous times that I was unsatisfied and me suggesting several things to spice our sex life up, I failed to get my message across.
The bottom line is that no one is a pervert! Find that special man and woman, and openly discuss sex with them. Talk about your desires and needs. Why should you be afraid to discuss sex with the one you truly love? Once you do it, there is a huge mental and physical reward. D�j� Vow is a great example that it can successfully be done.
Sex was the one thing we didn’t disagree on. The other relationship pieces fell apart, which is why I blog on DivorcedMoms! 🙂
Great post, Dan, and thank you for the shout-out. It never ceases to amaze me how many of us are stunted by sexual shame and end up in relationships that just exacerbate our difficulty expressing our sexuality. Glad to read about your sexual (r)evolution.
Dan,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on sharing your thoughts about embracing your sexuality. I get so excited whenever I hear about anyone who comes across this breakthrough in their life … especially in the prime years of their lives. I am so happy for you!
Many thaks for including me as well as Galen Fous and Erica Jagger as people you respect and follow. We all work so hard in getting the word out that sex is a happy, wonderful and joyful part of life. I’m so flattered to know that I’ve had a positive impact on your life.
I’m also thrilled to hear from a man to make such powerful, intelligent and mature statements on this topic. I wish more men would speak out and make their voices heard. If you ever need another spot to make your voice heard, I’d be happy to have you write a guest post on my blog.
Dan, I applaud you for taking steps to understand and express your sexuality–and for having the courage to write about it. I’m exploring the male view of sexuality on my blog, with a new section devoted to stories about and for men–“His Turn” with a focus on the older male. Love for you to pop over. www.walkerthornton.com
Dan: You need help. I’m being serious. Your writing clearly shows that you have serious issues away from which you’re trying to run. You compare your decades-long marriage to planting bushes. You take marriage advice from an actor. You equate married life to a basketball game. Seriously? I initially thought that your articles were actually jokes. Your wife could be a horrible person; we obviously don’t know. That wouldn’t give you the right to destroy her life now, though. Based on your egotistical, selfish (yes, you’re right about that) excuse-making, I don’t know that anyone could presume, though, that it was your wife who was at fault. Please: Get help. Fix your marriage. Stop being a child.