I recently met up with a friend who discovered her husband had cheated on her. She was devastated and cried through most of our lunch. By the time the second glass of wine had been poured, she admitted what weighed so heavily on her mind since he’d asked for a divorce. “I should have seen the signs of his infidelity.”
If you think about it, there are “signs” for nearly everything. Signs that you are getting sick, that you’re getting fired, that your mother-in-law is coming to visit. Yeah, all of these examples are ominous, but let’s face it – isn’t that what we do? We go through life, hoping for the best, but planning for the worst – fearing it will happen despite our best efforts to the contrary.
We scan articles hoping to strengthen our marriage, our friendships, our relationship with co-workers – all out of (likely) irrational fears that the worst could occur. Until, one day…our husband has to work late/take a weekend meeting/go out of town and it forces us to hyper examine our most basic fear; that all of our work and planning will be for nothing and we, too, will fall victim to the most painful of betrayals – infidelity.
When someone learns that my husband had an affair for 14 months prior to our divorce, without exception, the next question is, “Did you know beforehand?” Or, roughly translated, didn’t you see the signs? I mean, the connotation there is, “How could you be so blind as to NOT see the fact that was right in front of your face? For so long!” The answer is…easily. Because I was blinded by love and trust.
I am, by no means, advocating that you should distrust your husband’s actions or that he is guilty until proven innocent. I’m merely saying that, if you’re reading this to discover some secret method for predicting whether he is cheating, there is none. Any article that promises you they have “the secret” that you can use to tell if he’s cheating…well, it’s a myth. A punch line, something to draw you in and make you paranoid. Sure there are obvious, telltale clues…but every situation is different.
The truth is, it was little things. A weekly trip to Starbucks he took alone that took a half-hour too long. Then the inability to leave his cell phone out anywhere that anyone could see it. Deleting his browser after using the computer. Nothing glaring, nothing horribly conclusive. But after a few months, it began to worry me. And then came the questions. The accusations. The fights demanding to see his phone, only to discover that all the texts for certain (unrecognizable) numbers had been deleted. “Business” lunches that never showed up on our account – or his business account. All of these things – signs – that something was horribly wrong. But after fifteen years of marriage and two children…we had a happy life together. Maybe not perfect, but – I had thought – happy.
I recently met up with a friend who discovered her husband had cheated on her. She was devastated and cried through most of our lunch. By the time the second glass of wine had been poured, she admitted what weighed so heavily on her mind since he’d asked for a divorce.
“I should have seen the signs.”
Despite my protests to the contrary, she was adamant that she should have known, should have seen…somehow should have intuitively guessed that he was having an affair. I think, as a society, we are too anxious to cast that first stone. How COULDN’T she have known! Was it her fault? If they had been really in love, he wouldn’t have cheated! They couldn’t have been THAT happy if he chose to stray! That’s what we are afraid that people will say. And, sadly, people do. And their criticism is the poison that blackens our self-esteem.
The bottom line is this: if you have a feeling, an inkling, some horrible nugget of doubt that is gnawing its way through you…don’t dismiss it. Get to the bottom of it and find its root. It could be nothing. It could be paranoia or that that business lunch really IS for the merger coming up. I’m not saying that every stolen phone call or private lunch has the possibility of supporting your fears. I’m saying that you shouldn’t ever casually dismiss a gut feeling because you have no evidence to support it.
Marriage is a challenge, a crap-shoot, and a roller coaster ride. In hindsight, everything is clearer. Should I have seen the signs? Maybe. I suppose I wanted to believe the best of the person I trusted the most. Does that make me blind, gullible or naive? Maybe. It took me fourteen months to figure out the truth. Then again, just because we don’t see the “signs” doesn’t mean we can’t read.
When my first husband had an affair and left, it changed who I am. Not in a good way.
I am no longer that trusting person who sees the good in people. After my second husband was seeking emotional affairs, that often lead to phone physical affairs, I had enough.
It was like something snapped in me, and said enough is enough. I started to care about my needs first and foremost. I then told him that we needed counseling. At which I told him that I love myself first and foremost, and that he could gtfo of my life. He was floored.
This formally timid person had made the choice to think of herself first. I let him know there would be no friendship or amicable separation. I then set out ground rules with the help of our counselor.
He was no longer to have any female friends, including coworkers. If I ever saw any text from a female, other then a subordinate about strictly business, there would be no discussion or anger. It would be over.
If a friendship means more then your marriage, then I would be gone. Divorce with a person who could care less about your wellbeing would begin.
Perhaps I have become a bitter old selfish soul, but I wasn’t always that way. Cheating is the absolute way of showing someone that you no longer care for them.
I am so sorry you’ve been through that. Coming through such an intense emotional journey makes us realize what we need and it sounds like you’ve been needing to care about yourself first and PUT yourself first for some time!
I hope he was able to realize that what he was doing was killing your marriage and that you worked it out. Either way, take care of your emotional health and keep loving yourself.
You’re worth it and the benefits are amazing!!
Honest people don’t “go there” while dishonest people only survive using honest people. When a honest person finds out they’ve been deceived it’s more devastating because they would never have done that to someone they loved or supposely loved.
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Try him anytime, he is the answer to your problems. You can contact him and get your problems solved today! His direct cell number:+2348112060028 you can also add him in whatsapp:+2347064358629 Email:[email protected]
Didn’t you in fact cheat on your husband first? All this husband bashing you do is vey cruel and unnecessary when it is you who did the cheating in the first place. You are the one who made life miserable for him. You who attacks him on a constant basis and he takes it out of fear of you not letting him see his kids. If these women you play the victim to knew the truth about how you actually behave none of them would stand up and support you. Your children are old enough to get in the internet and read this crap you are falsely stating about their father. Most divorce decrees state you are not to speak in a degrading manner about the other parent. I think this qualifies as well. WE both know children are tech savvy.
Didn’t you in fact cheat on your husband first? All this husband bashing you do is vey cruel and unnecessary when it is you who did the cheating in the first place. You are the one who made life miserable for him. You who attacks him on a constant basis and he takes it out of fear of you not letting him see his kids. If these women you play the victim to knew the truth about how you actually behave none of them would stand up and support you. Your children are old enough to get in the internet and read this crap you are falsely stating about their father. Most divorce decrees state you are not to speak in a degrading manner about the other parent. I think this qualifies as well. WE both know children are tech savvy.
Thank you for this article. I felt so stupid after my husband told me he no longer wanted to be with me because he wasn’t having fun with me. He was leaving me for another woman who he was having fun with and that person was my closest friend. I was floored! I was hurt and felt horribly betrayed! I am that nice person who gave my closest friend a shoulder to cry on when she left her husband. That nice person who allowed my husband to give her a hand with the painting, the mowing, shopping for a new lawn mover. That nice person who didn’t like to go hiking so I had no problem with them going hiking together because it meant I didn’t have to worry about him or her being alone and getting injured. What an idiot I was! My husband and her were friends as teenagers before I ever met her so I guess to her that meant she had no integrity or loyalty towards me, same for him. Supposedly they never slept together but they sure as hell were having an emotional affair. It’s absolutely amazing to me that these two people can wake up every morning, look at themselves in the mirror and like what they see. 22yrs of marriage (together 24yrs) down the drain and 24yrs of friendship totally screwed over. I hate them both!
Stef,
I am so sorry or your loss, and so sorry that you are going through this! Despite what anyone tells you, an emotional affair is still a horrible betrayal of trust! There is nothing that compares to it, regardless of whether there was sex involved!
I have a lot of comments from women whose husband say it’s not “cheating” if they don’t have sex and my reaction is, “THIS IS RUBBISH!”
Cheating is a betrayal, and you have suffered. I al so sorry that you’ve had to deal with this, and also sorry you felt blindsided by it! We all do, so don’t get down on yourself!
I’m so proud of you for recognizing it and being strong. It’s hard to be, given the circumstances! I hope that all is going better now, and that you are fighting hard to regain your self love and self esteem!
Love,
M
It’s funny, I saw this article and clicked on it totally forgetting that I had all ready read it and commented on it. It’s 2 months later and I’m doing better. Divorce is final and I’m trying to learn all the ins and outs of running a household on my own. I’m still very angry at both of them and I still hope that Karma finds its way into their household. I will say that every day I think about them a little less then I did the day before. I’m learning to love myself by exercising and spending some time going out with friends. I’m taking it one day at a time.
Stef, First of all I’m SO PROUD of you for taking care of yourself! Second, the best “karma” is to live well. When you thrive, you re-invent yourself and enjoy your life again…that in itself is karma. We do the very best we can some days, and others are a struggle. I’m wishing you all the very best in your new life; lots of adventures, laughter and happiness. XOX
My ex husband had an affair and I wasn’t aware of it either until I saw a text and then texts every night on his phone when he went to sleep. I was in denial for 6 months- than I told him that I knew!
That was 2012-2013 I finally had enough and kicked him out filed for divorce 2 months later-after 32 yrs of marriage I was divorced took 2 1/2 yrs and he moved to NY and married his daughter wifey 28 yrs younger 2kids from first marriage and now has a 1 yr baby and he’ll be 71 in April. My 2 kids 31and 24- needless to say I was totally devastated and he didn’t care what was going to happen to me. A yr 1/2 ago I had cervical spine surgery in my neck and I’m still recovering from this major surgery but doing well considering the magnitude of the surgery- I now have been divorced a little over 3 yrs and I am moving forward and don’t care about him but I’ll never be the same. Just thought I’d share this!