blame – adj : expletives used informally as intensifiers; “he’s a blasted idiot”; “it’s a blamed shame”; “a blame cold winter”; “not a blessed dime”; “I’ll be damned (or blessed or darned or goddamned) if I’ll do any such thing”; “he’s a damn (or goddam or goddamned) fool”; “a deuced idiot”; “tired or his everlasting whimpering”; “an infernal nuisance” 1: an accusation that you are responsible for some lapse or misdeed; 2: a reproach for some lapse or misdeed.
I was 45 years old, divorced and raising two sons on my own and for six years I had needed someone to blame for my predicament. I was finally able to blame someone after a conversation with my son. He was having some difficulty, emotionally, with the financial problems we faced to keep him enrolled in his college courses.
He was struggling at a time when his only concern should have been what courses he would take and living the carefree life of a college student. He was upset and through his tears, he said to me, “Mom, if we had played a role in this I might be able to deal with it. If I held some responsibility for the way things are with Dad it wouldn’t hurt so deeply.”
I began to reflect on my role in the pain of my divorce and the damage done to my children. Isn’t it human nature to want someone to blame your problems on? If there is someone to blame then we might be able to extract some justice and feel vindicated for our suffering.
As I sat thinking back I realized that the ultimate blame lay with me, the person who had fallen in love with and married his father. I had looked across a room one night a little over two decades ago and with one momentary look at his face, my fate and the fate of my children had been sealed. What came in between then and now has been, at times, powerfully loving and incredibly cruel.
How I Met my Narcissistic Ex-Husband
Connie and I chose a table close to the door and ordered a couple of drinks. We hadn’t been there long when I glanced over at the bar and noticed a group of guys sitting at the bar. I had an immediate and intense attraction to the looks of one of them.
He had a square jaw line, full lips with a perfect receding hairline. If there is such a thing!
He had a little boy look about him. He smiled at one of his friends and there were dimples, deep dimples that lay right below beautiful, icy blue eyes and rosy cheeks. He had a sweetness to his face and before I had even spoken to him, I knew, from his look, that he would be able to grab my attention and hold it.
I look back now and realize that look was the look of the “walking wounded” and that my attraction to it had to do with my need to rescue, take care of and love unconditionally anyone who needed to be fixed.
And, wounded he was. Wounded beyond fixing no matter how hard I tried. He was one of nine sons raised by a devout Catholic mother who thought it her religious duty to procreate but not mother and an absent father who thought raising the children was women’s work. He became the love of my life, the father of my children and a man who would do immeasurable harm to those who loved him most.
To be continued…
Wow, I can totally relate and I hope to learn from your experience. When my ex wanted a divorce and some people were saying how narcissistic he was I defended him for a few months, until he turned on me and all of the sudden things didn’t make sense or they did if you know what I mean.
I met my husband later in life, I was 45, he was 44. We fell instantly in love. He was by all standards the “perfect” man so within 4 months we were married.(yeah I know, hindsight right). We struggled to find our common ground on issues, but I thought we had done that, I worked hard to meet in the middle, bend, accept. We built our lives together, raised his son, saw him off to college and get his degree. My son through high school and into college, the cars, the new siding on the home, the repairs, life. Then just 4 years ago he started to change. he stopped communicating, he began to have anger outburst, I was to blame for everything he perceived was wrong in his world. 2 years ago things went from bad to worse, he made me feel as if he hated the ground I walked on and the air I breathed, then like a switch, would love me and be so good to me, only to flip flop back and forth. I wanted out, I hated this life, but I loved him so much how could he not see this, and there were times he was really good. He wouldn’t go to marriage counselling, he got worse, taking off and being gone for hours, not answering his phone or text, only to come home and once again tell me how much he loved me, until the next time. This October I asked him to take off work to take me to the doctor, I was really not feeling well so he did, spent the day with me at home taking care of me. The next day was our 6th wedding anniversary and I was still not well so he was going to go buy a few tools he needed to fix something around the house and be back. He was gone for hours and when I called, he started yelling at me he needed time, he didn’t know if he wanted the marriage and shut his phone off. He went to a bar, picked a woman up, went to her house and slept with her, then stayed with her the entire next day. Of course he lied to me about it all, but I eventually got the truth, or enough truth to figure it all out. He’s now out of our marital home until my son and I can figure out our next steps and leave. My son is in college, my job is the other way in another town (part time because the husband told me just do something to occupy my time). I now have to find full time employment in the town my son is going to school, go through the things at the house as we will be downsizing, find a place to live, and literal start over. I’m 52 years old, not exactly a spring chicken. I’m devastated, I’m confused, I’m ANGRY. Oh yeah then there’s this. He told me last night he wanted the marriage and within a few minutes told me he didn’t and wanted to see this other gal again! WHO DOES THAT? MIND GAMES AND ALL ABOUT HIM WITH NO REGARD FOR ANYONE ELSE. He did these things on our 6th wedding anniversary! I’m running in circles trying to catch my breath and hoping the shock of everything ends soon.
Your husband isn’t a narcissist, he is a cheater. He probably started his cheating 4 years ago when you saw the changes in him. He is typical…wants the marriage one day, wants the other woman the next. The shock will wear off and next time you’ll not marry someone within 4 months of meeting them