My Affair. He said he loved me and I believed it. I fell hard and fast and I had never felt so seen or heard before. There was a passion and a connection between us that I had never felt before, but now that I had that, I didn’t know how to live without it.
Our souls are always whispering to us. The whispers of our lives tell us there’s more. The whispers of our souls speak of and point us toward the desires of our hearts. The whispers of our hearts appear all the time in our marriages. But we don’t always listen, do we?
When we don’t listen to the whispers, they don’t go away. They only become louder. If we continue to ignore the whispers in our lives, over time, they get louder and begin screaming.
My life had been whispering to me for a while, but I hadn’t been listening.
I met my first husband in graduate school and we married at 27 years old. He was (and still is) a good, kind man.
We lived in a four-bedroom home in a suburban golf community. We had nice cars. We took vacations. He worked in the technology field and I was in marketing at the time. We had investments, 401Ks, and pension plans. We had one dog and no children.
From the outside looking in, I had no reason to be unhappy; but I was. I was unhappy, lonely, and disconnected.
Most of that is mine to own.
I married my husband because he was safe. I knew he wouldn’t lie to me, cheat on me, or hurt me. We rarely fought, but we didn’t take the time to connect with each other either. Because he didn’t require me to share much of my soul with him, I could stay safe and hidden, but not necessarily in love.
What I didn’t know at that very tender age is that there’s very little passion in taking the safe approach.
I didn’t know about affection and connection.
I didn’t know about intimacy and vulnerability.
I didn’t know what it was I was missing, but I knew that something was missing.
I began noticing other couples that had a natural affection between them, the kind where a hand lands on a leg or a head gently rests on a shoulder. I would notice couples for whom conversation flowed easily and their eyes never left the other. There was a comfort, an ease, and a connectedness between those people that was so foreign to me, but that made my heart ache and made me long for more in my own relationship.
I didn’t know how to have that with someone, and neither did my husband.
If I could have created a checklist for my husband to do each day to make me feel loved and adored, he would have tried to check off every box dutifully. But I didn’t know how to ask for that, how to receive it, or how to return it.
The longing and loneliness I felt became increasingly present until it was a big, gaping hole in the center of my heart.
That’s when the whispers of my soul turned into screams.
And then I captured the attention of someone who was the polar opposite of everything I had ever known.
Michael was tall, broad-shouldered, strong, and confident. He had money, a career, and a personality that was magnetic, a little dangerous, and more than a little narcissistic. He was also younger than me and very used to getting his way.
He texted. He flirted. He leaned in hard. I didn’t resist.
I knew it was wrong. I knew it was destructive… and yet, I couldn’t or wouldn’t turn away.
I walked out of my marriage and ran into Michael’s arms.
He said he loved me and I believed it. I fell hard and fast and I had never felt so seen or heard before. When we couldn’t be together, sometimes we would fall asleep on the phone together so he could fall asleep to the sound of my breath. There was a passion and a connection between us that I had never felt before, but now that I had that, I didn’t know how to live without it.
Not surprisingly, this short, but intense relationship ended badly for me.
Michael became very secretive and manipulative and I felt suddenly unimportant in his life. He would make promises and dates he seemed to have no intention of keeping. He would lie to me or only tell half-truths and then make me believe there was something wrong with me when I doubted his sincerity. I probably would have forgiven him 100 times, but mercifully he did what I could not do: walk away.
I went through a dark period where I lost my confidence. I lost a lot of weight, I barely slept, I was on a cocktail of anti-depressants and sleeping pills. I drank more than I should have and cried more tears in the six months that followed than I had over my entire life up until then.
These were all just crutches to avoid all the unanswered questions that faced me: about my marriage, about letting someone like Michael into my heart, about who I was and what I was really wanting.
I knew I couldn’t go back to being the lonely and guarded woman I was when I was in my marriage, but I also didn’t know who this new woman was: the woman with all these emotions, all these desires, and all these dreams for myself that didn’t exist months ago. And I had to make peace with some of my choices. The only path through all that was through both truth and love because those are the only two things that have ever healed anything truly important.
That journey is the reason I now serve in the area of struggling marriages. Not because I did everything right and have the model for everyone else. But because I know what that longing for a deeper, more intimate connection feels like in a marriage. I know what it’s like to experience that kind of love and lose it; once you know what a deep, intimate connection feels like, you can’t un-know it. And I know what it’s like to heal, move forward and become a woman who can attract and sustain the kind of love we desire and deserve.
You might think the lesson embedded in this story is to stay in your safe, secure marriage because even though it makes you feel empty and alone, at least you’ll never experience deep heartbreak.
You might think the lesson embedded in this story is to not cheat with someone else because clearly that never works out with a happy ending.
It’s actually neither of those.
The lesson is that we need to pay attention to our longings, to the whispers on our hearts. When we have a longing for more…more connection…more meaning…more love, it’s time to wake-up and pay attention. Our lives are talking to us. We didn’t place those desires on our hearts so we’re not going to be able to get rid of them either; maybe it’s time to begin embracing them.
This is almost exactly what I went through when I left my safe husband 4 years ago; complete with narcissist and all – exactly as you described it. My narc was abusive in every way. Thank you for your story.
You’re so welcome.
Sharon, you should be ashamed of yourself. You destroyed a perfectly good man and you encourage other women to do the same. The fact that you feel perfectly moral and righteous in the damage that you have done (and continue to do) means you are a sociopath, full BPD. The laws in our country need to change to prevent people like you from destroyed good people.
After getting my heart ripped out like this the first time, I will never marry again.
Any idea of the pain you gave your first husband? must not of ever loved him to do this to him. Except when my former daughter in law did this to my son.
Hurts worse when someone hurts your child like this. This will be deleted soon.
You will all die alone, ignored in a corner of a nursing home, you chose this, you chose not to love.
lady. You are a very irresponsible person.
Do not enter in a relationship ever again. You have no control, selft respect.
do not advice anyone ever again.
its all about you, you and you.
the world is full of selfish people like that and the last thing we need is them giving advice.
you are a bad person, mean, dirty and with no conscience.
have a nice life but you don’t deserve it.
You can read my response to the other “hate mail” received above if you so desire. But, if not, please know that your judgement of others keeps a lot of women in incredibly painful – and even abusive marriages – because of the way they know other women, like you, will judge them. I’m grateful I can endure that now on their behalf (without any impact on my own life 🙂 so they can find their own truth, even when it’s not pretty or tidy or convenient, according to other women. I think, as women, we’re stronger when we don’t judge one another; but clearly you’re not of that same opinion, so I wish you peace and love. I genuinely hope you are able to fix what’s broken in your own relationship (you wouldn’t be on this site otherwise…) and not judge yourself or him for the mistakes that have led to the troubles. Xo
You’re only regretting it because you gave up the golden goose for a pump and dump by Chad Thundercock. Had Chad stuck with you, you would have been singing your praises to the heavens. What a wonderfullly smart move that would have been. You managed to get away from that “unfulfilling” provider who didn’t give you the ‘gina tingles for Mr. Chad Thundercock.
Resident bad boy. The sexually attractive guy you wanted from the start. Not the guy you “settled with”. You are not a special snowflake, and certainly not a “pretty princess” that society and Disney, and daddy have brainwashed you lot of women into thinking you are. You are all the same. Society is littered with females all around the world (and the other commenter on this page verifying her story exactly the same as yours) is proof enough.
Then you’ll run around saying “where are all the good men?” You know, the nice guys, the funny guys, the ones with jobs to give their women everything. The ones who hold the door, and buy flowers, and pay compliments. The reality is, women like you took a massive shyte on them and sent them away with their tail between their legs. I would not be the least bit surprised if you didn’t clean him out in divorce court either.
Probably told your friends “I could have gotten more, but I’m not a b*tch”. No, you are a b*tch. You kicked the guy who cared about you to the curb for a guy who didn’t. Because you thought Chad Thundercock was a trade up. When reality is, Mr. Chad Thundercock saw you for what you are. Soon as he got what he wanted, he kicked you to the curb in the same fashion you kicked that “nice guy” to the curb. And where are you? Single, and paying for your mistake. You gave up the dream life, and the dream provider. You get what you deserve in life and folks like you are a wonderful example out there for men. Good job. I see being a lonely cat lady in your future.
Maybe it will make you angry or irritated to know that I am not a lonely cat lady…if so, sorry. I am a happily married woman to an amazing, strong, and confident man. I now have a marriage that most are enviable of because I have learned from my mistakes (in case you were wondering if I had not and needed to be told by you). I am a woman who knows who she is and a coach who knows who she serves. Because I am able to see my mistakes and even write about those mistakes openly and the lessons learned (while enduring all your hate), so that other women in my situation know they’re not alone, my love reaches and touches more women than your hate ever will. I’m sorry that you feel the way you do, truly, but not because it will make any difference in my life…only because it is reflective of the anger and hate you carry in your own. That judgement you carry keeps women in painful relationships because they’re not able or willing to endure it like I do here. I hope you find some peace within yourself. Sending much love and light to you, your relationship, and the mistakes you may make in your own life…..
A typical article full of all the typical excuses from an all too typical middle aged whore.
Ms. Pope is a “certifed Master Life Coach” who decided on a whim to destroy her and her husband’s lives. She is also an “International Best Selling Author of six books on love, marriage, and relationships” who mistook lust for love, destroyed the only marriage she was a part of, and has failed in every long term relationship. Be sure to ask her advice, ladies.
You’ll notice how Ms. Pope takes responsiblity for absolutely nothing. Her marriage confortable rather than full of the mythical sparkling rainbows everyone “deserves”, but she made no attempt to fix it or even end it as an adult would. “Michael” apparently seduces her through magical means because she accepts no responsiblity for the decisions she made and writes about them with an almost third person detachment. Even when she admits to a disastrous choice, she excuses it away by pointing to some nebulous long term benefit. Meanwhile real people in the here and now have been irrevocably harmed by her actions.
Marriage rates are plunging and, as usual, media pundits are blaming it growing “fear of commitment” among men. Just why that fear exists is never really discussed because such a discussion would lead directly to Ms. Pope and the millions of women like her. As Ms. Pope repeatedly explains in her article, women are never to blame for anything and, whenever a woman makes a poor choice, it’s always because someone else forced her to do so.
These are the women society demands you marry, gentlemen, and this is how they think. Make your decision very carefully. Remember, MGTOW saves lives.
I truly believe every soul is allowed their own experiences and opinions (and judgements) in this life, even when they are sitting in judgement of me. It’s okay……I know who I am…..I know who I speak to….I know that they need me. Part of the reason there’s so much shame my clients face is because of all the women who sit in judgment of other women who haven’t done it perfectly or the way they would judge as “perfect.” We will be stronger, as women, when we support one another (even when it’s different than our own lives), rather than shaming and judging one another.
Ms pope.
There is something called law. Law came to be from morality. Becouse people with no morals hurt other people, so a punishment was needed.
Now for emotional damage there is no physical punishment, but a moral one, shaming is your punishment. Someone has to judge you, well I am judging you. And I hope if I ever hurt someone I will be judged as well.
Now WOMAN UP, grow a pair, take it like a woman and accept reality.
1) you are a psichopat, you could kill an entire family and be fresh for breakfast. Only reason you don’t do it is because of punishment and we both know it.
2) you are a bad example of a human been, stop advising people.
3) a long life full of regrets is your punishment, put on your grown woman pants and carry your sentence.
Interesting that you’ve been placed in charge of everyone else’s morality…that must be a big task. You’re probably exhuasted. Let’s get clear on a couple things: (1) You don’t know me…you know what I’ve shared in a 600 word article and think you know the whole story and judge me based on those 600 words, (2) you don’t know who I serve and what they’e going through, and (3) I am educated and know how to spell and clearly, you do not. Grown. Pants. On. Peace.
Ms pope.
its not only me. There is two more comments of people here.
1) a psichopat has no remorse at all for their actions and you git the description.
2) im part of society and I can and will judge you. You see world doesn’t work on feelings, but on facts.
3) this is my third language and I don’t see how that is relevant. You just trying to undermine and diminish my credibility and it ain’t gonna work.
4) if been education make you an heartless person, I give back my degree.
have a nice life.
by the way.
i wold love to know the opinion of your ex husband. About you.
now that is something relevant.
Interesting u value the opinion of her ex husband over hers. It’s almost like you’re proving her point
So, seven comments tallied but only two shown? Where did the missing five go?
Did they contain too much truth for the self deluded hosebags reading this site to process?
Doesn’t matter anyway. This article has been linked thorughout the manosphere so your censors are going to be kept busy for some time to come.
The “manosphere?” That is hilarious! I’m sure the owners of this website don’t mind deleting your comments. Every comment you leave is a pageview for them and a higher ranking on Google. Let the manosphere comment! All they’re doing when they do is helping this site and the writer.
Good, it makes this website more accessible. More people, especially men, need to see the true nature of women. Drivel like this puts that nature on full view. Laugh all that you want to, because shaming tactics are all that you have in the end.
Why do all of the comments keep getting deleted?
It’s like Ginger said, we don’t mind deleting comments. The more offensive the comment the more we like deleting them.
What a childish thing to do, Cathy. Then again, it isn’t surprising given the demographics of the site.
Keep up the good work, girls, and never forget you’re the reason why marriage rates are at their lowest in over a century.
MGTOW, If you’re “going your own way” why are you so concerned about what is going on at a website for women? If you’re trying to get us to care that you’re “going your own way,” that isn’t going to happen. Now, go on, you won’t be missed by the vast majority of women.
You open more men’s eyes then you can imagine. That is the reason why. You serve as the example. And you do it so well.
Didn’t like the answer to your question?? We want you not to care, do more of what you’re doing. The more you do it, the more we grow. Take care, wh@re. Remember, men build, c@nts like you destroy. Now quick, delete this comment before your mind explodes.
MGTOWs, MRAs, and the manosphere aren’t concerned about you, your opinions, or your site per se. Our interest is in the utility you, your opinions, and your site have as a teaching tool. Ms. Pope’s article and many of the others here are wonderful “bad examples” for men new to the manosphere.
You see, we can link to words written by women which honestly express the opinions women hold as a way of teaching men about the true nature of women. Articles like Ms. Pope’s and sites like this one provide perfect examples of why marriage should be avoided and why women should never be trusted. It’s always better when women damn themselves from their own mouths.
Keep writing and posting, ladies. Every time you do, you help us out a little more.
Just to let you know, several other manosphere sites have picked up Ms. Pope’s article excusing away her egotistical behavior. You’ll be getting more page views which should help you pay the bills. I’d suggest monitoring the many comments sections however. A lot of your new visitors aren’t going to be shy about stating their opinions.
Finally, why is a childless woman like Ms. Pope writing for site devoted to divorced MOMS?
Go your way. But if you stumble around a fallen brother, give him a red pill.
And this my dear is a huge red pill.
Bros before ….
camaraderie, the same reason one guy went to war and his friends enlisted. If you die I die and that’s the way it is.
Captain goes down with the ship.
I don’t hope you to understand.
And remember as sandman says One red pill a day…
Nothing could help this writer; her self-absorption is chronic, if not terminal.
Probably people calling this the fake BS it is
Wow, Divorcedmoms.com, really? So a website dedicated to toxic women with more baggage than Delta Airlines?
This article personifies the type of mentality that turnes so many men off. Entitled, emotionally driven, and as loyal as fruitfly.
Look “ladies,” you wonder why you don’t get taken seriously? Look no further than this article. It doesn’t pay for a man to treat a woman “right.” It got this chicks exhusband crapped on. No she went for the guy who treated her poorly. THAT’S REALLY WHAT Y’ALL WANT. So enjoy your miserey author, you’re a real dud!!!
Just another miserable **** with tons of regret. You are just feeling bad for yourself for destroying a good man. You deserve no sympathy. You acted like a petulant child, and failed to uphold your marriage vows. You are a whore. Girls like you have tarnished all hope men had for women. Instead of pouting, why don’t learn to behave like an adult and own up for your mistakes. It is just easier to ***** and moan. And you claim to have a soul??? From where I’m stading I see nothing but a little complaining about her own self imposed problems. Go **** yourself ****!
This is a tremendous article! I was in a similar situation – needed to leave but did with the hopes the other man would too. Thank you for sharing your honesty. I’ll listen to the whispers!
This made me cry!. I married for money and quickly got bored after the initial thrill of the chase. I cheated on my husband of 4 years with a mutual friend and divorced soon after. I have enough money from the divorce to support myself as a strong independent woman and now I am with the friend. Love works in mysterious ways.
I hate to burst your bubble, Hope but you aren’t a strong, independent woman. You are a parasite living off your ex-husband. You cheated on someone and walked away with a windfall. That makes you WEAK and very DEPENDENT.
“I have enough money from the divorce to support myself ”
What a delusional dunderhead, a pathetic financial fabulist.
“Love works in mysterious ways.” No honey, that was plain unvarnished lust.
Bilking some poor sod for his money makes you strong and independent?
About listening to your heart . . .
Matthew 15:19 For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.
Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
I hope it’s worth it. This is one hell of a laugh. The men who treat you all like the dumpsters you are get the full reward for doing so. The men who would do right by you, get divorced and hammered. I hope there are many men paying attention. You treat them as they want to be treated, watch what they do, not what they say.
Use her and then leave her for the next man.
Twenty seven years old is “that very tender age? Are you asking to be treated like a toddler until you’re 40? Apparently, you are, or maybe you want to be treated that way for the rest of your life, since apparently your only concern in lfe is with YOU want and if someone doesn’t give you that, you walk. Shoot, most toddlers are less selfish than that.
This is a textbook case of why men are fearful of marriage and are opting out of the institution all together. When women can so cavalierly and selfishly rationalize their “whispers” to justify a needless divorce, then trust in all women is eroded. To think you destroyed a family for the sake of your whispers makes my head spin. If this is what my sons have to look forward to, then I’d rather see them lifelong bachelors.
You are a horrible, evil human being.
“You might think the lesson embedded in this story is to not cheat with someone else because clearly that never works out with a happy ending.”
Seriously? How about the moral being not to cheat because it is simply, foundationally, fundamentally wrong? You and people like you are ruining the prospect of marriage for today’s young people by sowing a well-deserved distrust in the hearts of men that any woman is worth the risk of their hearts, their hard work, and their children’s futures.
Why should any man invest the time and effort into being worthy of marriage if the woman he chooses as his lifetime companion is going to desert him when the “whispers” in her treacherous heart become more interesting than the decent, comfortable life he works daily to provide for her?
You destroy your family and poison the well of trust for everyone.
I wonder, what percentage of women who come to you for counseling are encouraged to stay, and perhaps work on being a better and more fulfilled wife? Or is it that they have already made up their minds to leave, and are simply looking for someone to give them encouragement?
I pray that God will open your eyes to the truth before more families are destroyed by your helpful advice.
Yes, trust is being drained out of our society. I don’t think anyone – man or woman – is going to like what’s on the other side.
Yes, trust is being drained out of our society. I don’t think anyone – man or woman – is going to like what’s on the other side.
Your ex-husband is better off without you. Seriously, who wants to be married to a flighty unfaithful person like you?
You should consider the posibility that you never really had a deep emotional connection with your narcissist. That feeling you had was a bit like high-fructose corn syrup–an artificial, ramped-up version of something natural that, in its artificial form, is habit-forming and very, very bad for you. Non-narcissists will never give you that feeling just like a happy, fulfilled life will never give you the high of heroine. Good luck.
That’s not your soul whispering to you, dear. It’s the enemy of it.
Truth is found in correspondence. For example if you tell lies, then you are a liar. Or if a female commits adultry, then she’s an adultress. See how this works Sharon? The “divorce whisperer” is an adultress. Read Proberbs 7 to learn more about her.
Once you decide to listen to the “whispers of your heart” it will never stop.
The whispers will come in your current relationship.. they will come in the next. Because no mate is perfect, the voices will never stop.
But whatever happens you will never be alone. You will always have the voices in your head.
I thought by the age of 40 this middle school BS would end. Apparently not. And let me guess. “Where have all the good men gone?”
For every lady reading this change the he to a she and see how you would feel if your husband wrote this. She was everything my wife wasn’t. Big breasted, kinky in bed, liked my sport team etc.
My wife was loyal and fat. I was bored by her fat body and the ‘whispers of my heart’ told me to start burying cash (off the books), buy jewels with the cash, file for bankruptcy and then file for a divorce from my fat wife and take 400k worth of diamonds to Eastern Europe and chew on hot 19 year olds. Let those ‘whispers of your soul’ turn to screams gents. Listen…they’re whispering…
“Buy handbags…for 19 year olds…they’ll walk around your apartment…in a thong,”
Shhhh….listen to the whispers.
@Try This – good point. Imagine the condemnation if the story was:
My wife was kind, good to the kids, a great cook and very loving. But I kept thinking I was missing something. Then I met Katrina, a 24-year old fitness model from Belize. . . .
Aaaaaaannnnnnnd a few more men walk away from marriage. This hurts everyone but the cohort bearing the highest price are realtionship minded women. Which, sooner or later, ends up being most of them.
Good job ladies.
Well, there you have it. In a world of instant ‘Likes’ it can be hard for women at such a ‘tender age of 27’ to stop the hamsters in their head from making clear choices. Social media and MSM tell them they can have it all and when they try it usually ends hopelessly and with them being alone.
Another thing I notice, women don’t age well in general. I know that’s not the PC thing to mention but it’s true ladies. Every woman’s absolute best years are from 16 to 25…30 maybe. Then you start becoming a ghost to the kind of men you want. Why you ask? Because men instictively want younger healthier women. And, here’s the kicker, men don’t even hit their best years until after 30-35 and they typically marry below their age level. So what’s a woman to do? Stop trying to climb the corporate ladder and buy McMansions. Use the best feature nature (or God) bestowed upon you, your youth and beauty. Secure a sollid relationship with a solid man with ambition, leadership traits and family values. Pair bond with him and develop a strong unbreakable relationship with him. Then, when the wheels fall off your looks (and they will) his attachment with you will mean he doesn’t toss you aside like a used tissue.
Basic. Stop being so selfish, discuss your needs and desires. Picking a good man takes work, just like picking a good wife. Problem is, most don’t screen for strong character and qualities. They screen for the moment.
“I’d like to invest in a long term commitment and relationship, but the goods are so damaged they’re of no use for me. And for that reason, I’m out.”
That whisper is telling you that only Jesus Christ can satisfy the emptiness in your heart.
>1. You are not having a mid-life crisis.
Correct, you’re too old to have one.
>2. You’re not afraid to tell the truth.
Better late than never.
>3. There’s space now for you in your life
Irrelevant since women are by nature very narcissist and hence are always the center of their own lives.
>4. You know who you are and what you want now.
What you want and what old ages will deliver are two differents things.
>5. Next time will be different because you’re different.
Seriously, this is the real clincher, you see because you are so old now you will likely spend the rest of your life alone, because men who have market value, want youth, beauty and feminity.
Officially statistically according to the US gov’s figures, you have little chance of ever marrying again when a woman reaches her 50’s and if she has aged badly even earlier in life.
But don’t worry, there are always cats.
It’s beautiful, when a person has an affair and destroys a decades-long marriage because of short term insecurity and the guarantee/entitlement of a healthy financial settlement.
Forget it. I’m going gay before I date single moms. This is completely unacceptable, mental, and childish behavior. You girls “you go girl” yourself to the grave. You should all be ashamed of this pathetic behavior.
great job….. did your husband end up with a younger second wife?
Another dumb whore – what a shock! Thehamster is strong in this one – what a joke she is! What absolute garbage she says to cover up for the utter stupidity she is guilty of. I hope she ends up homeless and loveless and with 6 cats in a basement apartment.
You want love but you act in a way that makes it impossible for men to love women. You are turning relationships into a cynical, follow your selfish desires wherever they take you, landscape. Very poor that you seek to drag other women down with you.
Which one in that story was the narcissist, again?
I am curious as to what you feed your hamster that keeps it spinning the wheel of rationalization so fast?
Thank you for your courage, I feel very responsible for what I have done and hope one day I too can accept it and move on. Years later I just reflect on all I have done and somehow have (and continue) to self discipline myself for the negative impact I have had on others. I have not quite figured out how to accept a life of emptiness nor fullness. I would have loved the story to end differently and only continue to struggle through for my two little ones. Provider I shall be and me… I hope I figure it out before I look back at an old age and see what life I let go. Thank you. One day at a time-or shall I say years at a time.
Sharon I am truly sorry for the hate you are getting on here As a guy I have been enormously helped by you and your seminars and online stuff so a heartfelt Thank you from me