“Closure” brings things full circle after a relationship ends. What happens when it isn’t available?
‘I NEED closure!!’
When we’ve been dumped from a relationship – romantic or otherwise – it is somewhat of a realistic expectation that we be told WHY we were cut loose. In a perfect break-up world, the dumper would sit the innocent party down and tell her exactly what went wrong – why he no longer saw fit to be a part of the relationship.
This conversation would result in relationship closure for the girl, and she would henceforth be well equipped to go out into the world and put that chapter of her life firmly behind her. Although heartbroken, she would take some comfort in that final conversation.
No bones about it, closure brings comfort. So what do you do when the ‘dumper’ is unwilling OR unable to provide that closure? When there IS no final conversation to wrap everything up and make it all nice and tidy? When you’ve pleaded for answers … and have been met with silence/unanswered texts/ignored calls/blank stares?
Well, believe it or not, you don’t NEED him for closure. You need to HEAL. And healing can happen without the pleading and begging and stalking of an ex who, in all probability, doesn’t have the answers himself. Once we accept that there will be no external closure, we allow ourselves to look within for the closure we so desperately crave. And that is when our healing can really begin.
So if you’re looking for closure, keep your dignity – DON’T become a stalker! Do these four things instead:
1. Reconnect with YOURSELF
I did the stalker thing when my husband left. I begged for answers. Even when it was evident he was struggling to come up with anything (other than ‘midlife crisis’) I persisted. When it became clear that he was literally plucking answers from thin air, I made myself back off.
Hard as it was (and it was BLOODY hard), I made myself accept the fact that I may never know his reasons. That maybe he didn’t have any good reasons. So I grieved (boy, did I grieve) and turned my attention elsewhere. I focussed on being a good mom and looking after myself.
Some days I felt horrible, other days I felt half-okay. On the bad days, I would force myself to spend time alone. I would lie in the bath, close my eyes, breathe, and just FEEL. At the time, I did this because I couldn’t face being with people, but I soon began to recognize the transformative and healing processes taking place DEEP within me.
Without the distraction of people, places, television, books and noise we are able to focus purely on ourselves – not our ‘ego’ selves, but our REAL selves. We can feel whatever we are feeling and know that all feelings eventually pass. We can allow answers to come to us in their own time, without help OR interference from us.
2. TALK it out with someone else
On the days that I felt up to being with friends, I would talk their heads off. I would tell them how I was feeling and they would listen. I would ask questions of them (stupid questions a lot of the time – but questions nonetheless) and they would do their best to answer. Even when they didn’t have the answers – they provided reassurance.
Just as it’s important to spend some time alone to reconnect and reflect, it’s important too to spend time with the people you love. Don’t go to your ex for support and answers – your friends are there for this. Your friends WANT to help you – just as you would want to help them in their hour of need.
Give YOURSELF the closure you are craving
If you can’t get it from him – do it yourself. Take charge of your life and tell yourself, very deliberately, that you will no longer be a prisoner of your past.
As I eventually realized with my ex, you cannot wait forever for answers OR for permission to let it go and move forward. Consciously choose NOT to torment yourself by staying in a place of uncertainty and grief.
On a practical level, remove traces of your ex from your living space. Take down photos, ensure that none of his stuff is hanging around, redesign your space to make it more ‘you’. Have a big clean out and TELL yourself that you are moving forward – even if you don’t believe it at the time. You will eventually, I promise!
And if one day your ex decides to come forward with answers for you, guess what? You’ll no longer care. If you’ve done the work on YOURSELF, you’ll find that you no longer need anything from HIM. You’ll realize that closure that comes from within is infinitely more valuable than anything external.
4. And lastly, give it TIME
Even after doing all of the right things, you will still need that most precious of resources – TIME. Why? When you and another have been joined at the hip for a significant period of time, emotional bonds and attachments will have been formed – there is no escaping this fact.
So, go easy on yourself. Use the time valuably. Reconnect with yourself. Find out who YOU are. Spend time with friends. Remove visible traces of your ex. Think positively. TELL yourself that you are moving forward and that you are OK. One day, you will wake up and realize that you actually are OK.
After a 36 year marriage to my now ex after he walked out at the 33 year point-without a word as to why he was leaving suddenly, I felt like the floor beneath me had given way. Asking myself questions like “did I do something wrong”? or “What could I have done to avoid it?” it took me a few months later to realize it was him and his issues– and not me that he left.Trying to find answers as to what and why this happened…. the book called “Runaway Husbands” by Dr. Vicki Stark helped me to put things in order and read about how to move on after what she called Sudden Wife Abandonment Syndrome or SWAS.
No remorse nor apology from my now ex- and that too is him because many people cannot ever say they are sorry because they feel it is an attack on their character and they never want to be that vulnerable.
Fast forward to now, 4 years later after he left. I am still lost and alone. Yes, I speak with girl friends all the time who know what I have been through including finding out 4 months after he left me that I had been adopted, Wow, another double- whammy that blind-sighted me again as I had never known this either and rocked me to the core in my late 50’s.
I have moved on a bit more, buying my first home in 2017 and moving to a further area north ( hours away) from my ex. He has no idea where I live and that’s great.
Hi Deborah,
I’ve heard many stories in which no (or very little!) explanation was given by the husband on leaving – including my own story. This is what inspired me to write this post. The moment I realised that I didn’t need to wait for answers from him was the moment I really made the decision to move on. Until that point, I was obsessed with finding reasons. Now, I don’t care, and that is truly a beautiful thing!
I really wish you all the very best. Feel free to check out my site www.thrivingsistas.com – I love to share my experiences with separation, divorce and grief and the strategies I use to move forward.
Shona
From a black males perspective…I mention that because there’s no sense of entitlement but the same drive and desire to make situations work in a white males world where there are many unexplained entrances and exits to be equal and/or successful as a woman wants for her relationships; but yet, from a male perspective, there are a number of reasons why a man has walked out without saying anything: 1. He told u more than once what he needs/ wants to be happy but u never heard him so he’s done talking and leaves, 2. He didn’t tell u because he thinks that if I put a lot time/effort into ur wants/needs I shouldn’t have to tell u what I want or need. Pay attention to my needs and wants and if u don’t then ur selfish and F the relationship, I’m out, 3. White men believe in having kids but not out of wedlock so getting married, have kids and getting a divorce works, 4. Women can be so wrapped up in the marriage or relationship that she fails to think that the relationship is not just hers and men feel isolated or trapped in the corner thinking, watching, and coping until the day he explodes out the door. Yes, he may have personal issues and so should she because no one is perfect, but the disconnect in a relationship is women and men have to be conscious of each others wants/needs but the problem is men have to be conscious of being conscious and women have the option to forget or choose not to be conscious of being conscious of a mans wants/needs. Sure there are men who fall in the other category but majority of men who want to spoil their woman and have her feel like a teenage girl feel trapped if their spoiled woman forgets to spoil her man. Why can’t he sit down and tell her or talk it out as a woman would want to do? because just like an employees annual at work it would require to finds a way to fix something already broken, and hurting the woman u love with telling her that her relationship, the one thing most important to her, has failed, it’s easier to be out then go back and forth how to fix it. Would she finally listen or be conscious of being conscious? Who wants to take the chance…
Hi Bill,
I hear what you’re saying. I believe that a fundamental problem in relationships/marriages is the differing communication styles between man and woman – women like to talk things through; men not so much.
I was personally conscious and tried very hard in my marriage – I was completely blindsided when my husband left. And I don’t use that term lightly – I was shocked to my very core. A little communication on his side would have been nice. I understand that he exited the marriage emotionally long before he left – but I was not aware of this. We all go through rough patches and do the best we can with what we’ve got.
I do think it is easier for men to leave without any or much explanation – women would usually want to talk and discuss and dissect what went wrong. Again, a fundamental and sad difference to our communication styles.
I appreciate your feedback – thank you 🙂
We feel like closure is what is needed as that first step for moving on. I agree with everything that has been written, but want to add:
1. Look within yourself and take stock of what you have to offer the world. Get friends to remind you of the awesome qualities you possess if you ‘lost yourself’ in a relationship and can’t see what those qualities are at the moment. Write these down and read them aloud daily as affirmations of your self worth.
2. The begin the process of re-inventing or renewing yourself. Of discovering new passions (outside of relationships) and building a new relationship with yourself.
3. Recognize that everything happens for a reason and that this serves as an opportunity of a fresh start in life. Keep the belief that the man that will not leave still exists and that as long as you hold onto the past, you will not be allowing him to enter into your life.
Spot on – brilliant, Sara 🙂 We are on the same page.
Pop on over to my site http://www.thrivingsistas.com – I love talking and writing about all of this.