When I thought of a guy going through midlife crisis, the image that came to mind was a guy in his mid-forties to late fifties driving down the highway in a sporty red convertible with a much younger, trampy looking woman seated next to him.
He has one hand on the steering wheel and the other holding on to his toupee.
The day my life changed, I didn’t recognize the man who told me in a flat, emotionless voice he needed some space and he wasn’t sure he wanted to be married anymore as he looked at me with a blank stare. Then he hastily grabbed about three t-shirts and two pairs of underwear in his arms(no suitcase) and rushed out the front door of our home, jumped in his sports car and drove off without looking back.
I stood looking out of the living room window in shock, hurt and anger as I watched the man I had been married to for over twenty years drive out of my life. The crazy thing I couldn’t understand was, we had gone out to dinner the day before and there was no indication from him that he was unhappy and wanted out of the marriage. I felt like I had been sucker-punched.
I had to catch my breath because I felt like the room was spinning and if I didn’t sit down I would pass out. Now I’m not saying our marriage was perfect, but never in a zillion years would I think the man I knew for over two decades would tell me he wanted out of our marriage. About a week after I received the news, I was online searching for information about what may possibly going on and came across a website talking about men’s midlife crisis.
It seemed like I was reading a description of my ex-husband as he was before he walked out. Several of the characteristics this website stated as signs of men going through a midlife crisis described my husband of the last few months. For example, it seemed like his personality changed overnight.
He really was a changed man because his attitude toward me and our marriage seemed to change from day to night. The last year of our marriage seemed to be fine even though we were overcoming some challenges with other family members, we were still doing date night every Saturday and going to church together every Sunday. Then like the wind he changed to a stranger who didn’t want me or the family we built together for so many years. He tossed us away with the flick of his hand as he drove away.
I also noticed his likes and dislikes had changed and most of his conversations were always about him and what was going on in his life even if the conversation initially started out concerning the other person. It was like he was so obsessed with himself that he couldn’t hear or focus on my concerns when we were talking. He was more concerned about dying the grey in his hair, buying a new sports car. Even when we went out, he would take me to these bars, diners and places that were not typical for us as a couple. These places had a different more casual atmosphere.
After he left our home, conversations with him became weird and sometimes made no sense. He became even more secretive or his answers to questions didn’t match what he had said previously. He just did not sound or act like the man I married. He became a stranger that I really did not like.
After going through the trials of divorce, I now know that part of the reason this man one day, out of the blue, decided to destroy his family, destroy my trust and my respect for him was that he HAD to be going through a midlife crisis! That had to be it, or he was possessed or just plain crazy. But I am determined not to let this stranger destroy my life.
Since my divorce, I have discovered I’m stronger physically and mentally than I thought, I can survive on my own and am very self-sufficient, but most importantly I truly know who my real friends are. It takes a life changing event to show you who cares about and will be there for you and it also shows you who you really are. I’ve lost friends and family members, but I’ve also gained new relationships and my Christian faith has become stronger because of what I’ve gone through.
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Boy, can I relate to this! Though in my situation there was the added dagger of another woman. It’s mind-boggling to me how people can change so abruptly. I wish I could make sense of it. I published an article on this site last week about the same subject.
Here’s to all the women who have been onthe receiving end of a midlife crisis.
It is amazing how many woman either have gone through this or are going through this situation. But we women are stronger than we we think. I wanted my story to let other women they are not alone. Thanks for your comment Robin.
I also am on the receiving end of this behavior, however I am way older now, and am angry and sad that this is happening now. I now have to navigate a divorce process at 65, and my future is in limbo to say the least. This should be recognized more in society and psychological circles than it is, it is devastating to a family, especially when the wife is blamed for everything from day one. This is not the man I knew and lived with for 29 years, but just occurred over the last few years incrementally.
Glad it’s not just me! My husband left 10 months ago and he’s nothing like the man I married. He never would have walked out on his wife and two small daughters before. The things he says to me now when we do have to talk about the kids are completely out of character for him. This once kind, sensitive, caring, loving, good-hearted man left me in a puddle on the floor weeping and didn’t even look back. So yeah, it’s either an alien abduction or midlife crisis. I’m not waiting around for him to come back though!
Thank You for this! It is almost exactly my story. I thought I was the only one. After 29 yrs of marriage… He left! Moved to Canada! He hasn’t seen his adult children in 5 years. He didn’t come back when his grandmother passed nor his mother (and he was the only child & grandchild). He saw our grandson the day he was born (5 yrs ago)and never since. I have been beating myself up over this for a very long time! It’s not me… It’s him! I too am stronger, wiser and still ever strong in my faith!
Thank you again for sharing!
Thank You for your comment. Stay in Faith!
Thank you for your comments Kristy. I am doing better everyday. This process takes time for you to heal. Don’t rush the time but use each day to appreciate you and the people around you who are your support. I find the best way to get through the hurting, healing times is to focus on helping someone else. It takes your mind off of yourself and your hurts. Also work on forgiving your ex, not for him but for your healing. It does work.
Hey , I know it’s been a few years since you posted this , but I wanted to ask you how you are doing ? I just found found myself in same spot after 24 years of marriage . Little afraid . Time is just going so slow , hard to move on after that long . I keep remembering the good times .. how long till I feel normal or happy again ? Any help would be appreciated ..
Hi Kristy like you I was married almost 24 years (23 years 8 months) when the man that I was married to decided to walk away from me and our kids with a coworker that’s 29 years younger. She worked with both of us. He became someone that I barely recognized. It takes about 1.5 to 2 years to start to develop a new normal and remember how to be happy again. Look at how far you have come to this point. Hang in there it can be scary but you can do this! What helped me was to not look back (easier said than done) but instead to focus on the way things were currently and I would never date the man my ex husband is now. Wishing you much luck and happier days 🙂
Thank You Valerie. Faith works if you work it!
Thank You Valerie Power for your comments. Faith works when you work it.
Okay ladies, hate to burst this innacuous “mid-life crisis” bubble but men NEVER move on unless they have something to move on to. Men are spineless idiots, have a fear of aging, and this wierd thing that seems like an alien abduction or brain tumor that can overtake a man seemingly out of the blue wasn’t out of the blue. Usually it’s an ultimatum from a skank that has genitals that he craves and a predatory need in life to take other women’s men.
Okay, my response: Don’t be Bitter, be Better!
I feel like I’m going through this very thing right now. He took me out to dinner, we came home, he said we have to talk and boom. He hasn’t been happy, we don’t have anything in common and he wants a divorce. He found someone who fits the bill and moved in with her two days later. She just happened to be someone we were both friends with and was recently divorced from her husband. Since we were such good friends he would help her with some household repairs and spent time with her hiking because I didn’t care for it. Guess the joke was on me. This was after 22yrs of marriage.
now someone else can be the most useless helpful person in his life and i can be myself again
75% of divorces are initiated by women. You are taking the easy egotistical way out if you accept a midlife crisis as the reason for your failure. I have seen it over and over. Heard it from both sides.
Answer this question, when did you start resenting your exhusband? If your honest to yourself, the answer was not when he left you. Have a think. I am monly being crass because a proper postmortum will save your next relationship.
And shame on all the others her for brring sympathetic.
You obviously have zero experience with personality disordered people. How dare you rip into women victimized by heartless cruelty? We give up certain personal freedoms when we commit to spouses and children, and one of those freedoms is this perceived “right” to sleep around and upgrade your partner because life became too boring with responsibilities!
I so agree with you Anne! I got the “I love you but I’m not in love with you “ speech after 23 years of marriage. At midlife we had a lot of stresses- my illness, death of husband’s father, an airing of a family secret, moves , husband was unemployed for 6 months and demanding new job. My husband decided he didn’t want any more responsibility or stress so he’s created a new life, new friends, goes scuba diving all the time, got his own place. He prevented me from the online credit card information and has created a tremendous amount of debt. He repeatedly wouldn’t respond to my requests for communication and financial information. I ended up serving him divorce papers. The chickens are coming home to roost. Love isn’t limerence. Love is about commitment, respect and communication. Now I have more access to his reckless financial information that he was keeping from me. He’s been going on vacations to scuba dive, hotels and going out to eat all the time. No doubt with a new woman “that gets him”. This woman doesn’t know his warts that all of us humans have. My soon to be ex is blinded by limerence. I really wonder how he can sleep at night?
Omg, Abby! I thought I was reading about my own life, minus the scuba diving! Yes, I got the I love you but not in love with you speech on Christmas Day. He left right after daughter went back to college at the beginning of January and moved right in with “her”. I think he is in Limerence as well because he is not rational and has been spending money like crazy!! Out to dinner every night and little weekend getaways. It is some bottom of the barrel woman from work. She knew he was married and didn’t care. She thinks he has money but she’s about to find out he’s about spent it all! His credit cards are now maxed out. I’m now waiting for the lawyer to draw up the divorce papers. Just had our 20 year anniversary. Can’t believe this is my life. Throwing away his wife and daughter for what??
Trust your gut. Buffer yourself with good friends and good lawyers. Don’t try to figure them out and set up boundaries. Enjoy your daughter.
I am going through this right now All started with a sport cars and him going out every night. He end up with a young women of 20 years younger! Found out the affair and he blames me for all his unhappiness. I treated him badly bla blal. But cheating is worst! We are friends now because we have a child together. I don’t know him anymore. I don’t know if this is a midlife crisis or an exit affair or both. I will never know. Very hard situation i am going through for over a year now. I feel for everyone that is going through this.
I’m going through it now. I did not realize that he is having a midlife crisis. It started off with me finding out that hubby is having an emotional affair with another married woman online. D-day was almost two months ago. He refuses to stop talking to the OW, even though he knows it hurts me. I’m waiting for their relationship to fizzle out with time. I believe she has tried to end it a few times, but he keeps dragging her in.
He says he loves us both, but that I don’t make him a better version of himself. He doesn’t know what he wants and won’t talk to me about how he feels. So, I have stopped asking about his feelings. I give him space to wallow in his depression, but give him a sense of worth when he deserves it. At one point he said I was competing with the OW. I told him I was not! If anything else, she is. She can never be me. I’m not the one telling another married man that I love him. I’m a much better person…still have my flaws, but not like her.
So I wait and have faith that God will work in my husband’s heart and cause him to open his eyes to the mess he has created. It’s hard waiting it out, but I know that in the end (whether he stays or leaves) that God loves me and will give me the strength to be a better person.
My experience has been identical to all of yours. On Mother’s Day, my husband of 23 years (together 27), my husband died. On no, not literally, for that would have been easier, there would have been closure. He told me that he had so much resentment that he couldn’t forgive me. He informed me that this life is about him and his happiness, not mine. He deserved to be happy and I don’t make him happy anymore. He is going to be selfish because he deserves it! In our 23 years of marriage, he has been unfaithful and untrustworthy, but I always forgave him, yet he can’t forgive me. I’m not perfect, no one is; however, what have I done? It is so very sad to me that my husband, soon to be ex, is trying to find happiness in flesh and worldly things. He doesn’t contact or care about our son. He is drinking, having an affair, buying things…all to fill a void that I believe can only be filled with God’s love. The betrayal and pain is so unbearable. As a police officer, I thought he understood the notion and importance of a partnership. I do know that even though we are all walking through this fire storm, and feel as though we are going to be burned, new growth will always come. When the smoke clears, new life and vibrant landscape will exist! Our faithful God has good things planned for all of us! True joy is felt when we walk through deep pain. Prayers and hugs to all going through this heart wrenching life crisis.
Beth, that was very uplifting. Continue to keep that same way of thinking.
I am now part of this club. To a T. He’s tossed out his faith along with it all making a convenient escape route from a covenant. We are a happy couple with our own issues (like anyone) and it makes no sense. He’s spreading pain to everyone we know and even his best friend says he doesn’t know him overnight. He tells me almost euphorically of his plans to date lots of women and try them all on because he’s running out of time for true love nd happiness. He absolutely has a personality disorder according to our therapist who he no longer sees of course. No surprise: this comes on the heels of a crap ton of important people deaths in our family, less than successful business endeavors and unresolved childhood abuse and abandonment. He’s not well. I’m sad for him and also this is a deep pain worse than any death. The worst part? He will absolutely regret it at some point down the road. But along with that regret will be the fallout of pain and destruction he caused unnecessarily to our family. It is a horrible situation. I’m not happy to be in this club, but I’m thankful not to be alone.
You all have my empathy! Five years later and it still seems so surreal. The only thing that saved me what studying the psychology of midlife crisis in depth. I had to… he ‘was’ the best man I knew for all the 26 years prior to bomb drop. With that, I needed something explanatory for his swift, odd & peculiar behavior. It’s a nightmare I wouldn’t wish upon anyone!
I’m so sorry you had to endure this. I am curious if he’s ever snapped out of it and regrets what he’s done to you and your family? I’ve recently with through this same thing, but with a fiance’. It truly is like possession or something and clinically i would love to know what happens in their brains that creates this chemical imbalance or whatever the cause. The worst part is not the just the pain I’ve felt but that his son that we were co-parenting has been greatly affected. When men or women go through these mid-life crisis (or….second bounce) they are so self-centered they think of no one but themselves and as we all know every decision has a consequence and one day this will all come back around to bite him in the ass.
Thank you Christine. I am doing better every day. I can’t answer your question about if he regrets what he has done. But I’m living life free, happy and with no regrets. You can also, just take it day by day.
Great article Tanya.
I found this while trying to see if I was having a midlife crisis.
Obviously I’m not a divorced mom, but I worked with a lot of single moms in Scouts, Little League, and soccer. I’ve always been blown away by their strength, which forced me to man up to their level.
My issue came about when I started processing out a lot of childhood abuse and neglect, all while parenting, working, being married, etc. As I went through the stages, I changed. Due to bad timing, I was needing a lot of love when everybody else did so there wasn’t any sympathy to spare. Oh God yes did I want to leave (take the truck, camper and dog and go) but that wasn’t right so I stuck it out. I can verify that keeping the faith, having friends/family support, and always looking forward help. Forgiving your partner frees you, along with moving forward every day. I learned that being aware of your passive aggressive acts is important because you hand over to fate important things you should be handling yourself. Instead, get comfortable with asking for what you need politely, but firmly.
My urge to cut and run was due to my family’s constant hen pecking; over tiny things like how I folded towels. I will tell you all that your husband is still part ‘little boy’, so taking a little time now and then to build up his sense of worth is a good thing.
Last point: I love my wife but I’m not in love with her. What? Translated: I’d do anything for her BUT she’s not allowed into my sacred space. She can’t say or do anything that hurts me any more. So, if your man still loves you, you’re half way there. Lure him back by loving him unconditionally. It works on cats and dogs, it will work on him.
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